


Cutting Through the Ice

by Artistwolf



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Cutting, Disordered Eating, Everyone is a bit OOC, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gang Violence, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Little bit of graphic injuries, Loki Has Panic Attacks, Loki has PTSD, Panic Attacks, Past Attempted Suicide, Past Drug Addiction, Past Torture, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rico is basically Thanos, Self-Harm, Stabbing, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy Dog, Thor and Jane Wedding, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Vomiting, community improvement club, figure skating, figure skating AU, marvel AU, ooc Loki, past self-harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2020-08-16 02:26:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 121,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20164696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artistwolf/pseuds/Artistwolf
Summary: Alternate Universe--Loki is a figure skater, attempting to recover from a troubled past involving gang activity by joining a community improvement group with his brother, Thor. There, he meets a girl he likes, but haunted by the torture he had gone through at the hands of his gang leader and his troubled youth, will Livvy be able to accept him for who he is now? And to make matters worse, it seems that his former gang leader, Rico, is trying to hunt him down... All this as Loki reconnects with his skating and tries to discover who he truly is now."You know what’s scarier than watching death, Wanda? What’s scarier than watching people suffer? Knowing that you’re the one who’s made it happen, that you stood behind the person who caused that and did nothing, even partook in it, because what? Because of threats? No, no truly good person would ever even let themselves get to that point. Do you get it now? Do all of you get it now?"Basically just a storyline that came to me randomly. Tried to research PTSD and whatnot as much as I could to keep this as accurate as possible. I’m sorry if it’s not.





	1. Through the Forest

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this first chapter is pretty different from what's to come and is probably the worst chapter I've written. I'm sorry it had to begin like this. Haha. Please just hang with me, it picks up dramatically around chapter three. It's all fluffy and then suddenly chapter three crashes into you like a bus... lol.

The sun climbed higher in the sky as two cars drove uphill. Loki looked out the window, enjoying the sight of the brightness filtering through the leafy expanse surrounding them. He could almost hear the birdsong in his head through the crunch of the gravel getting compressed under the car’s tires. As he stared out, he felt his shoulders relax slightly, the nervous tension almost leaving him. There was something about the serenity of nature that settled him in a way that was otherwise only achieved when he was out on the ice, skating.  


“Are we almost there?” A voice asked, shaking Loki from his thoughts. He turned his head toward the dark haired girl who had spoken—Wanda—who was sitting on the far right side of the backseat of the SUV. Loki was sitting on the left, with a girl Loki had noticed at the community meetings for a couple weeks, but hadn’t formally been introduced to, squished between them.  


“You’re interrupting the silence,” Loki said to Wanda, with a flash of irritation. “I was enjoying it.”  


“Well, I sure wasn’t,” Tony said from the driver’s seat.  


“That’s just because you’re overly social,” Loki muttered. He glanced at the group again. Such an odd arrangement. Tony was the oldest of the group, being in his 40’s. By all logic, he should be the dad of the group, but preferred to act like more of a naughty teenager. He was constantly flirting and teasing, and acted as the life of the party in most situations. Thankfully he had just gotten married last month to Pepper, who was sitting in the passenger's seat. She had strawberry blonde hair and a patient expression. That would be necessary, dealing with Tony, Loki thought. They had been the ones to organize the event, and had spread the word throughout the community group that all of them attended—it was a weekly group that met on Wednesday nights to discuss changes to the community. Loki’s brother, Thor, had been eager to go, and had convinced Loki to join. Loki hadn’t been sure, as he knew that most people struggled to get along with him. He was also a little nervous, as he was new to the group and wasn’t sure if people would accept him. He had a rough past and he knew that no matter how hard people tried, they wouldn’t forget that easily.  


Loki shook his head quickly to dispel those thoughts and focused his attention on the rest of the group. There was Wanda, who was about 16—the youngest of the group. She was a quiet one with a bit of a Romany accent, and was also new to the group. Her brother had died in a car accident only a few months ago, and her parents had died when she was younger. Loki got the sense that most felt sorry for the now orphaned girl and thus tried to include her in everything they could. She was currently living with Clinton and his wife. Clint was one of the group leaders and had two kids of his own, with another on the way. He was the one driving the minivan behind them (much to the man’s embarrassment). Thor was in the van, along with his fiancé Jane. Thor had also invited his friend Steve, who was a quiet, well-built blonde group leader with an insufferably good attitude, and was about the same age as Thor (that is, a couple years older than Loki--so around 25. Loki was 23). Steve’s friend, Bucky, was also tagging along--he was only now considering joining the group, and had attended a couple meetings here and there. Then, of course, there was Bruce, a mild, awkward tan man with greyish dark hair and a surprisingly violent temper which not many had witnessed, yet which the group leaders—who acted as a sort of family to everyone in the group—had helped him deal with several times (if the rumors were anything to go by. Not that there really should be those sort of rumors out there, but of course, there always were). Finally, Natasha had tagged along. She was an avid charity worker and seemed to have endless energy. She could accomplish anything with a cool efficiency, which really was something that Loki admired. She was in her early 30s, and Bruce was in his 40s.  


Tony, Pepper, Wanda, Thor, Jane, Steve, Bucky, Bruce, Natasha. Nine people… and then there was also the girl sitting next to Loki. He frowned and turned to her. “I don’t believe we’ve met.”  


“No, probably not. I just moved into the community from Portsmouth.” She took his outstretched hand and shook it somewhat awkwardly. “I’m Olivia, but you can call me Livvy.”  


“Well, pleasure to meet you, darling. I’m Loki.” he smiled somewhat slyly, watching her face. He had gotten into the habit of calling most women ‘darling’ a while back, both because it felt like a chivalrous thing to do and because for younger women, he enjoyed the reaction that he never failed to get. Sure enough, a slight color came to her cheeks, and he watched with amusement as she shook her red hair, trying to get the long side of her uneven pixie cut to cover her face a little. The only result she got was that her hair became slightly trapped in her large brown glasses, making her blush further.  


“Sorry. I’m a bit clumsy.”  


She was saved from hearing Loki’s answer as the car rolled into a gravel parking lot. “We’re here!” Tony called out.  


“Finally,” Wanda said with evident relief. “That drive was not fun. Bumpy roads don’t agree with me.”  


Loki could feel Livvy stiffen slightly and shift closer to him, and he chuckled. Clearly this girl didn’t take to being around people who felt sick very well. “Can we get out now?” She asked, sounding impatient.  


Loki opened the door on his side, and, after grabbing his dark brown backpack, stepped out gracefully despite the height of the car. He caught Livvy’s eyes on him and smiled as he turned around and offered her his hand. She took it, and jumped out of the car enthusiastically, although of course not nearly as gracefully as Loki had.  


Now that she was standing in front of him, Loki finally got a good look at her as he slung his backpack over his shoulders. She was pretty short—Loki was at least a head taller than her at his 6’2”. He estimated that she was probably somewhere around 5’4”. Her body was pleasantly slim yet still curvy enough, and she was wearing brown leggings with a cute knee-length flowery skirt, with a white jersey bearing the pink words “wild at heart” settled on her shoulders.  


Loki reached his arms over his head in a stretch as the minivan parked in the next available bay. The car ride had made him stiff, and he was hardwired to stretch before any sort of physical exercise due to his years of athleticism. He bent over to touch his toes as Thor climbed out of the passenger’s seat of the van.  


“Hey Brother, going to teach us all some yoga? Rather impressive stretch, I must say.” Loki straightened with a snort.  


“I can’t even touch my toes,” Olivia said with a laugh from where she was standing next to Loki.  


Loki grinned and wrapped his arms around his back in a final stretch. “Sorry—stretching is second-nature to me. I’ve been taught to do it since I was five.”  


“He does yoga every single morning at, like, five o’clock,” Thor said with a chuckle. “It’s almost annoying.”  


“Says the man who spends all day in the gym,” Loki retorted.  


Thor looked at his biceps appreciatively. “These muscles don’t build themselves.” Everyone laughed as Jane came over and put her slim arm through his heavily muscled one. Thor smiled. “You like my muscles, don’t you, Jane?”  


“Of course,” she laughed. “You can’t have a rugby coach who doesn’t have muscles.”  


“Oh, so you’re a coach?” Olivia asked, sounding surprised but also as if she had figured something out.  


Thor chuckled, looking at her with his kind blue eyes. “You could say we’re an athletic family.”  


Livvy opened her mouth as if to say something, but was interrupted by Steve calling out, “Hey guys! Are we going to start this hike or not?”  


Bucky smiled. “You lead the way, Steve.” The blonde man laughed and motioned for Bucky to follow him. Loki ran his fingers through his short hair, which still felt odd to him. Only a few months ago, he had had it at shoulder-length. Now it was cut to just below his ears. It was still slicked away from his face, and he actually rather liked the slight messiness of it as it curled playfully around his head. He stepped away from his brother and moved toward the trail, eager to get moving. Bucky waved as Loki walked up, and paused to speak to him.  


“Hey Loki,” the brunette said. Loki remembered that he had also once had long hair, but his too was now clipped short. It suited him. “How’s it going?”  


“I’m pretty good. Trying to get better at socializing,” Loki chuckled. “It’s why I joined the group—Thor convinced me that I needed it. How are you enjoying it?”  


“It’s really good. Nice having a group of friends, even if I do tend to be more quiet.”  


Loki smiled. “That’s exactly how I felt.”  


“I find that I just want to tell others about it all the time. I was at work yesterday, and I was soldering some sheet metal pieces together, and I spent nearly the entire time talking to my coworker about how we can help with the recycling in the community.”  


Loki smiled wryly. “Good for you. I’m not very good at that. Whenever I talk to people, they act like I’m trying to shove my opinion on them.”  


“No offense, but you do kind of come across that way,” a new voice said from behind Loki. He laughed good-humoredly and looked behind him to glance at Tony.  


“I’m sure you’ll pick it up quickly,” Pepper hurriedly reassured him from where she was walking next to Tony. “You’re a very good speaker. Just be gentler about it and I’m sure it won’t be too hard.”  


Loki shrugged. “Well, I suppose they didn’t call me Silvertongue for nothing.”  


“Who called you that?” Loki noticed that Livvy was hiking between Tony and Pepper. He stepped aside, letting Bucky, Tony, and Pepper pass him so that he could fall in next to the redhead.  


“The gangsters I lived with for a while.” He chuckled at the expression on her face. “That surprises you, doesn’t it? Yeah, I was a part of a gang a while ago. My father pulled me out of it and got me back into sports, which helped a bit, although I still held onto some violent tendencies before I started up with sports and met some friends via this group.”  


“Wow, I just didn’t think you looked like the type. Like, your brother is more the strong--” she stopped herself. “Wait, no, but he looks too nice to be--you know what I mean.” She threw her hands up into the air, obviously despairing at her ability to speak and not be offensive.  


Loki was laughing heavily now, clutching at his side and wiping a tear from his eye. Livvy looked confused but soon enough began to simply laugh with him. It was quite contagious, and he had the funniest ‘hehehe’ laugh. Loki stopped walking, taking a moment to compose himself before responding. “So, you think I look mean enough but not strong enough?” he chuckled again. “Honey, you should see me with a dagger. I may not be as well-built as Thor but I’m double as fast. I have to be. I’m a dancer, for all intents and purposes—being quick and light on my feet is all part of it.”  


Livvy started walking again, and Loki followed suit. “You keep mentioning sports. What is it exactly that you do?”  


“Ooh, so quick to change subject now, aren’t you?”  


“Stop it.”  


Loki flashed a mischievous smile at her before letting himself become more serious. “Has no one told you that yet? I’d think that’d be the first thing people would use to describe me.” He leaped onto a rock in the path and paused to give Livvy a hand in climbing onto it. She seemed to be slightly breathless but not at the point of being tired yet, just not nearly as fit as Loki was. His heart rate had barely increased yet.  


“No one’s really even talked to me about you,” Livvy said. “There are so many people I haven’t met yet, so I really haven’t had time to talk about anyone else. But you say you’re basically a dancer? That makes sense--you’re very graceful.” She seemed to realize what she had said and awkwardly started scratching at her hand. “Um, sorry.”  


Loki smiled disarmingly. “No need to apologize. Really, I’m glad I seem graceful to you, because if I wasn’t, that would make what I do very difficult.”  


“What, are you going to make me guess? I really hate guessing.”  


“You’re just afraid of getting it wrong.” He winked. “Alright, another hint: most people in this sport are females, so I get judged a little for it.”  


Livvy nodded. “Mm, same here. I’m an architectural drafter, and most people in that field are males.”  


“Really? That’s an interesting job. But stop trying to distract me.”  


“Oh, fine. Um… I don’t know. Ballet?”  


Loki chuckled. “Yikes, no. Too elegant, not passionate enough.”  


“That’s probably arguable, but since I don’t know anything about ballet, I’m not going to argue it. So… your sport is something to do with dancing, gracefulness, and passion, and it’s not ballet.”  


Loki raised an eyebrow. “Wow, I just realized how scandalous all those clues could be. Let’s go ahead and say that I don’t dance at a nightclub.”  


Olivia laughed, her ears turning a bright shade of pink. “Yeah, I didn’t really think that would be you.  


Loki chuckled. “Good. Keep guessing.”  


Livvy scrunched up her face thoughtfully, and Loki looked down at her fondly. She was a pretty little thing, and her shy inquisitiveness was rather adorable. He felt a flash of nervousness as he wondered what she’d think of him being a skater. Her being in a male-dominated career was one thing, but him being in a female-dominated sport was another. Would it make him seem weak to her?  


And then--why did he care?  


“Hold on. Don’t tell me you’re a figure skater?” His nerves renewed as he heard the surprise in her voice and saw her wide-eyed gaze looking up at him. He quickly decided to not let her see his fear--he didn’t like for others to see his insecurities. They were his to hold, and his to release onto the ice. Through his art--that was the only way they would see them. Through the art of drawing lines in the slick white ice.  


“That’s me,” he said, spreading his arm with a flourish. What will she say now?  


“Woah, that is so cool!” Well. He had not been expecting that. Tension he didn’t know he had flooded out of him, and his shoulders relaxed. He raised one eyebrow.  
“Cool?”  


“I love ice skating! I mean, I’m not very good at it compared to you, I guess, but I do love it. I have my own skates and everything. I didn’t think they had a skating rink down here, but I guess they do, huh?”  


Loki’s smile broadened. “That’s great! It’s more of a private skating rink, really, but I’ll have to invite you to come join me when I get it to myself.”  


“I would love that! You’ll probably think I’m terrible at it though.”  


“I doubt that. If you can skate at all, that’s something--you should have seen my friend Sif the first time she tried to skate. It was a disaster. I had to teach her, and even now she’s not very good at it. Only gets on the rink if there’s the promise of a good game of ice hockey, preferably with my brother.”  


“My sister and I took lessons a few years ago. We learned the basics of how to skate and, like, do a one-foot glide and the thing where you kneel down and let your back leg drag behind you, you know?”  


Loki raised his eyebrows. “A lunge?”  


“Well. That makes sense.” They laughed. “My sister’s better at that than I am, though.”  


“Well, you’ll have to show me sometime,” he said with a smile. “I can help you with your technique.”  


Livvy blushed. “I feel like that would be more embarrassing than anything.”  


Getting slightly ahead of her on the trail, he turned around and walked backwards, facing Livvy. “Well, up to you,” he said, shining his signature mischievous smile. “Whether or not you really want to go skating again…”  


“Are there really no other skating rinks around here?”  


“I mean, there’s one about an hour away. Which I would definitely drive if it meant being able to skate. But yeah, I go to a professional rink, it’s just not really open to the public. I have a key though.”  


“So do all students there get keys then?”  


“Noo, I stole it,” Loki said sarcastically.  


Livvy laughed. “Right, stupid question.” There was a moment of comfortable silence, and Loki reflected on how well they were getting along. Usually when Loki was involved, there would be some level of tension, if not an argument, but this--he was having more fun than he had in a long time whilst in a social situation. Olivia really seemed to.. Understand him somehow. He shook his head quickly to dispel the thoughts. She was no doubt just being friendly. Not that the thought of inviting her to the rink didn’t excite him. Not as if he didn’t intend to do just that. It wasn’t a date. No. Of course not.  


“So do you work anywhere, or?”  


Loki smiled. “Mm, I work part-time at the library. Yep. I’m a librarian and a figure skater. Not exactly manly.”  


Livvy laughed. “But I love books and skating! So I love your jobs.” Loki resisted the sudden urge to hug her. What was that about? He hated touching people. Hugging was something he bore but didn’t enjoy. What is going on here?  


“You’re so sweet, darling,” he said instead.  


“Stop calling me that,” she said, but her smile gave away the fact that she really hadn’t meant any of her words.  


“I call everyone that, it’s nothing personal.” He flashed her a smile and tentatively touched her arm. “Hey, we’ve fallen behind the rest of the group a bit. They’re probably at the waterfall by now. We should probably try to catch up before they start talking.”  


“You think—”  


“You’re such fun to tease.” She glared at him, her hazel eyes glimmering. “Race you to the group,” Loki challenged.  


“That’s not even fair! You’re practically a foot taller than me and more fit!” Livvy protested, but started running after him.  


It turned out that they weren’t far behind the group at all—their walking pace really hadn’t been as slow as they had thought. The group was, however, just walking toward the sign announcing that they had arrived at the waterfall. Loki and Olivia came running to the back of the group, Loki just ahead but obviously slowing himself down on purpose. They lapsed into a fit of breathless laughter as they joined the others.  


“Having fun?” Natasha asked, looking amused as she held onto Bucky’s arm. “You two seem to be getting along well.”  


“You guys didn’t tell me he was a figure skater!” Livvy said with a grin. “That’s awesome!”  


Thor snorted. “Not very manly though.”  


Loki made a face. “Not everyone sees that as a disappointment. Stop subscribing to Odin’s feelings.”  


Thor lifted his arms in surrender. “I was just saying that I didn’t think you would exactly want me to tell a girl that first thing. And anyway, Father doesn’t think you a disappointment.”  


Loki crossed his arms, feeling offended. The familiar anger against his family bubbled up inside of him. Would they never accept him for who he was? Never accept that not everyone felt the same as they did?  


Bruce stepped between the brothers, sighing. “Guys, break it up. Loki, you’re a good man and you’ve changed your attitude. No one in this group is disappointed in you. And seriously Thor, you need to learn to think before you speak. You know Loki’s sensitive about these things.”  


Loki stiffened. “I am not sensitive.” Although, he had to admit that Bruce’s words had some merit, so he took a deep breath. It was true. He had changed. He couldn’t let himself go off the rails again because of his family. Knowing that he had friends at his back also felt surprisingly good.  


“Sorry, Loki,” Thor said. “That was rather stupid, I suppose.”  


Loki simply grunted but patted him on the shoulder in an accepting and apologetic way.  


“Hey Clint, can we go down to the waterfall now?” Wanda was speaking, tugging on Clint’s arm impatiently. “You can already hear it.”  


Loki tilted his head. Sure enough, he could hear the pounding of the water. His eyes lit up. “Come on, Livvy!” He said quietly, although his tone of voice belied his excitement.  


“It’s a very steep trail,” she said somewhat nervously. Sure enough, the trail down to the falls was very rocky and very steep. The dampness of the area contributed to making it look like a rather treacherous path.  


“I’ll help you,” Loki found himself saying, much to his own surprise. He walked forwards, beginning the tricky descent before turning around and grabbing the girl’s hand. It felt so good, so natural. I’m just helping her out. This doesn’t mean anything. I’m not technically holding her hand, I’m just… helping.  


He stepped down another rock with his natural grace, testing it to see how slippery it was before setting his whole weight on it. Livvy followed him carefully. “It’s not as bad as I thought,” she admitted. “Rather a fun trail, actually.”  


Loki smiled. “I didn’t think you were the type to shy away from things.”  


“Oh, but I am a bit of a scaredy cat. Once I know what I’m in for, then it’s okay. But I’m generally afraid of heights and any dangerous sort of activity.”  


“As I said earlier, you’re simply afraid to fail. Aren’t we all? But you learn that when you fall, you get right back up and try again.”  


She smiled. “You have got a way with words.”  


Loki jumped off of the last rock on the trail, feeling the momentary weightlessness and smiling at it before landing lightly on his feet. He looked down at his hiking boots and jeans wistfully, suddenly wishing that he was out on the ice. He shook his head and refocused on his surroundings.  


The waterfall truly was beautiful. The violent torrent swept over the rocks, foaming white before plummeting twenty feet to the rocks below, where it bubbled into the relative calm of the river. Bright green vegetation grew up around the waterfall, glistening with dampness.  


Several large boulders had been washed up on either side, and Loki watched as his friends sat on them to gaze at the water. Livvy opted to sit on the gravel closer to the riverbed, and Loki sat down next to her, pulling his backpack off and searching through it before finding what he was looking for: a bag of trail mix. He opened it and offered it to Livvy, who took a handful as he took a deep swig from his water bottle.  


“So, Silvertongue, tell me more about this gang thing,” Livvy said tentatively.  


Loki shrugged, setting his water bottle down and grabbing a handful of trail mix. “There’s not a whole lot to say. Odin—that’s Thor’s father—more or less called me a disappointment for losing a competition in the sport that he hadn’t even approved of me doing in the first place. Frigga—that’s my mother—was the one who had introduced me to skating and paid for the lessons. Odin never liked it though, and that, combined with several other things, caused us to have a bit of a falling out. I decided that it would be better if he had a good reason to be disappointed in me, and truth be told I was feeling like the whole world was just run wrong, that nothing was right in it. Which, of course, is true, but now I know why. I didn’t back then though, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.  


“Some stuff happened in my life… I’m not sure I want to talk about that though. Long story short, I ended up meeting a gang leader who was very anti-government and even rooted for communism. I agreed with his philosophy. My slogan was ‘freedom is life’s greatest lie.’ I believed that people were made to be ruled, needed someone to follow. Hence the communism thing. I thought that they just needed a strong hand to tell them what to do.”  


“I mean, you weren’t wrong, just… severely misguided.”  


Loki laughed humorlessly. “I suppose so. Anyway, I never got very far with it. I was involved in some vandalism of government buildings, graffiti and all that. I learned how to wield a knife, how to fight. Knocked a couple people out to prevent the gang from being caught, did some stuff I’m not proud of, but overall I was just the guy in the background. Which, by the way, I really didn’t like at all. Considered starting my own offshoot and even put some moves forward to get there, but the police found me and sent me home. Odin hadn’t seen me in a while. He got really angry and all but disowned me.  


“Mother was the one who took me back to the rink and reminded me how I could redirect my anger, reminded me how relaxed the ice made me. Then Thor came to me and asked me to join this group, hoping that having some friends might change me a bit. Mother was interested too, but…” he paused, his eyes shining in a way that had nothing to do with the glare of the sun. “She was killed in a car accident not long after.” He blinked, turning his head to look at the waterfall. “I regret wasting that time in my life. Wasting that time that I could have shared with her.”  


He felt a tentative hand on his arm, and looked back at Livvy. “You can’t blame yourself for who you were in the past. You’re here now, and you’ve changed.”  


He smiled. “Thank you.” He paused, his smile fading. “I’ve probably confused you with this whole thing about my parents. You see, I’m actually adopted.” He said it quickly, forcing down his feelings on the matter and trying his best to sound blasé about it.  


Livvy glanced over at Thor, who was wading into the river with Jane holding tightly onto him. “Well, that certainly makes sense.”  


Loki chuckled. “It does, doesn’t it?” He picked up a round stone from the ground and flicked his wrist, skipping it across the water three times before it fell in. “Well, enough about me. What’s your life like? What do you like to do?”  


“I love drawing, painting, crocheting, knitting, that sort of thing. And reading, of course.”  


“Ooh, so you’re an artist too,” he said with a smile. “I always said skating is just another form of art.”  


“I like that. Yeah, I don’t paint a whole lot anymore, because I’ve really gotten into digital art and it’s just so much cleaner and easier to set up.”  


“Mm, that definitely makes sense.”  


“Oh, I’ve also got two cats named Salt and Pepper.”  


“Cats, eh? That’s pretty cool. I’ve got a husky named Fenrir, but I absolutely love cats.”  


“Huskies are cool! Very high-maintenance though, aren’t they?”  


“A bit. I take mine out for a run every morning and he seems pretty happy.”  


“How do you fit all this in? Thor said you do yoga, and you have to go to practice skating probably quite regularly, and now you run as well?”  


Loki laughed. “Yeah, I’m pretty active. I get up at 6:00 to do yoga for half an hour, then I go for a half hour run with Fenrir. So it’s only an hour of exercise. I take a shower after that and head to the library at 8:00, work until 4:00, and then I go to practice until 6:00. Most of the time I stay until at least 6:30 though, just free skating for a sort of cool-down and just general relaxation. It’s a busy schedule, but I can handle it.”  


“When do you have dinner then?”  


“I’m currently living in an apartment with Thor, which is quite trying but useful in that we can switch off on who cooks dinner each night. We both make easy food though, mostly just fry up a fish or a steak and a potato. Thor likes to make spaghetti and other pastas. Since we’re both athletes, we’re on a similar protein-rich diet, so it’s pretty easy. I’ve been getting into making crock-pot stews recently, which has been interesting. Anyway, what I’m saying is that we don’t tend to make anything that takes too long to cook, so we usually end up eating around 7:30. Pretty late, but it’s the best we can do.”  


“Makes sense.”  


“So, what’s your schedule like?”  


Livvy laughed. “I wake up at 7:30, thank you very much, go to work at 8:30, work until 5:00, and come home and relax. I’d rather die than exercise as much as you do.”  


Loki laughed. “I’m sure you would.” He threw a handful of trail mix into his mouth, enjoying the salty-sweet flavor. The other hikers began to get up, and Natasha called something incoherent to Thor. Loki turned to Livvy with a sigh. “It looks like it’s almost time to head back.”  


“Aww, I was rather enjoying this.”  


Loki gave her a sideways smile. “You know what? So was I.” He stood up, offering a hand to her, which she accepted.  


A mischievous twinkle appeared in Loki’s eye. “Race you to the trail.”  


“No fair!” Loki heard Livvy call after him, as they ran together for the second time that day.


	2. Triple Axels and Italian

Livvy smiled as she looked through the photos from the hike that Wanda had just texted to her. The girl was a budding photographer, and the photos all managed to catch the late summer colors they had marveled at on the trail. The redhead tapped on the group photo and enlarged it, looking closely at the image of herself standing next to a tall, slim, dark-haired man.

A man she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about.

He was truly everything she wanted in a man--slightly older than her, but not much, fairly confident, loved books, was slim yet not weak, and added to that, he was a figure skater. If that wasn’t awesome, what was?

She thought back to when she had seen Loki at the meeting on Wednesday night. He had arrived right at 7:30, when the meeting was seconds away from starting, looking breathless and tired yet still flawlessly elegant in his black suit and white shirt. Thor had traveled separately to him and had gotten there earlier, which had made her doubt as to whether he was even going to show up. But of course, he had, and Livvy had found herself feeling relieved about that. So, he wasn’t the type to just casually miss community meetings. He had probably come right from skating practice and had had to rapidly throw on some clothes, but he was here nonetheless.

She had gone to talk to him afterwards, trying not to be too obvious about how much she liked him, but probably failing. There was something about him that made her feel comfortable, made her laugh. Despite his rough past--she still couldn’t believe he had actually supported communism--he was pleasant to most people. He did have a fairly quick temper, as she had witnessed on the hike, but that was nothing new to her. After all, so did she.

“You look tired,” she had commented when she had finally gotten the courage to approach him. His response had been to run his fingers through his hair--that glorious raven-black curly hair that was layered and rested softly against the back of his neck--and inform her that his coach had kept him slightly later than usual due to them arguing about what skating move would go in his routine. It turned out that he was practicing for a very small competition.

“I’m not trying to be too competitive in my skating, but I do enjoy competitions. I’m not planning to go anywhere big with them--some are using these small competitions to springboard themselves to bigger ones and eventually to the Olympics. I’m just involved in the local shows. The prize money is something that I could obviously use, so that’s definitely one of the motivating factors.” He had shrugged. “It’s fun to be practicing for something, too. Slightly stressful, of course, but fun nonetheless.”

After that, he had surprised her by pulling out his iPhone and asking for her number. “I realized that I can hardly invite you over to skate if I can’t even contact you,” he had said with a chuckle.

Olivia looked back at the photo Wanda had sent, studying Loki’s narrow figure and broad shoulders under the green cashmere jersey he had been wearing. He seemed to somehow look good in everything he wore.

The 20-year-old tore herself away from the photo and glanced at her watch. It was 5:30, and she had just gotten home from work. It was a Friday, thankfully--a whole weekend of relaxation was ahead. That was always a nice thought. Standing up, she grabbed her phone and walked to the kitchen, trying to decide what to cook just as her phone tweeted with an incoming text. She gasped.

It was Loki.

Despite having given him her number, he had yet to use it before now, and she had begun to wonder if perhaps he was chickening out of the idea. But no, here was a text from him! She hurriedly opened it.

_.Hey Livvy, it’s Loki. I was wondering if you’d like to come down to the rink. Practice will be ending soon and I’ll stay here for a while if you’d like to join me. Maybe we could grab something to eat afterwards. Here’s the address. _

Livvy yelped slightly, feeling excited, and gave herself a moment to think before responding. She found herself wondering how awkward that might be, and quickly typed out, _.Will you be alone there, or…? _

A reply came back almost immediately. _.Still a few people here. I’ve currently got the ice to myself for my lesson but afterwards a few will no doubt join me to grab some practice time. No worries. _

Livvy smiled, putting her shoes on as another text came in. _.I need to get back to practicing now--Coach was just giving me a quick breather. Come or don’t, it’s fine--up to you. I’m heading back, see you soon--I hope. :) The door will be unlocked; just walk right in and find the ice._ A second passed before another text came up. _And, um, if you do come--I apologize for what I’m wearing. _

That took her mind places it shouldn’t be going, and she shook her head quickly to clear it. Livvy smiled and hurried to the car, sending off a text. I’ll be there! She considered adding more to address that last part, but wasn’t sure what exactly to say. Her text remained on ‘delivered’, not stating that he had read it, and she assumed that meant that he was back on the ice. She mapped the rink on her phone--only ten minutes away--and set it to direct her. The British accented Siri voice directed her, and she couldn’t help but think about how Loki’s voice was better. He also had a British accent, but with a deeper voice that had a melted chocolate feel about it. She shook her head roughly to dispel the odd thought and turned her Bluetooth music volume up, singing quietly along to the song Astronauts by Rachel Platten.

The song Mad Season, by Matchbox Twenty, was just starting as the girl pulled into the parking lot of the skating center. It was a square brick building, with a flight of steps leading to double glass doors. The only sign that it was an athletic skating center was the plaque on the wall that read UKFS. Getting closer, Livvy saw that underneath the letters was written, ‘United Kingdom Figure Skating’. Parking the car, she hopped out and walked up the steps, taking a deep breath before pushing open the double doors. She hated visiting new places for the first time--there was just something deeply unsettling about it.

It was cool but not freezing inside the building, and Livvy was pleased to find that she was comfortable wearing her white jersey with her black and white stripy dress and fleece-lined leggings underneath. In the lobby area, there was a receptionist sitting at a counter, typing away on her computer. She looked up as Olivia walked in, offering her a quick smile before going back to her computer work. Feeling slightly awkward, Livvy didn’t say anything, instead turning toward a hallway that she figured was the way to the rink. The hallway came off of the end of the room, with a door next to it that lead into a room that sounded like it was being used to sharpen skates. Continuing down the hallway, she saw a door marked ‘Women’s locker room’, and, further down, another marked ‘Men’s locker room’. She heard a couple muffled voices coming from each room--it didn’t sound like many more than two people were in there, but it pointed to signs of life nonetheless.

Finally, the hallway opened up into a large room with a huge rink covering the right-hand side. There was only a narrow piece of carpeted area to the left that was outside of the rink. Benches lined the wall of that side. Livvy walked into the room and immediately heard Loki’s voice.

“Can’t we just change it to a double axel?” the man was saying in a breathless, slightly irritated voice. Livvy looked toward the rink but didn’t see Loki, only a black man standing on the ice looking downwards. He was wearing a pair of tracksuit-type skating pants with a gold stripe down the side, matching his gold jacket. Livvy walked closer to the rink, leaning on the boards and peering at the rather torn up white ice.

There was Loki, laying down on his back on the ice, spreading his arms dramatically around him. Livvy chuckled, looking at his outfit. It certainly was something. He was wearing a tight button-down white shirt, which was tucked into a tight pair of black pants which closely hugged his hips before loosening slightly the further down they went. There was a nice green triangular inset on the thigh, which Livvy thought was a nice touch. He was wearing fingerless gloves on his hands. The costume as a whole definitely showed off his figure without being overly revealing, and Livvy found that she wasn’t complaining about how good his body looked.

“Get up, Loki. You’re doing the triple axel because I know you can. The judges, and the audience, love that move.” The black man, who was obviously Loki’s coach, spoke.

“And everyone else hates it,” Loki said dryly, but obediently pushed himself up into a sitting position. He glanced around the rink with a sigh, then startled when he saw Livvy. “Oh, hi,” he said, blushing slightly as he scrambled to his feet. Livvy caught the wince he tried to hide as he rubbed his back. “Sorry. Um. Coach Heimdall, my friend Livvy is here. Can we end off?”

Heimdall grinned. “By my watch, you’ve still got ten minutes left. You can’t impress a girl by laying on the ice.”

Loki blushed deeper and bit his lip. Livvy shivered slightly from something other than the cold. He really did look gorgeous, with his chest heaving and a slight dampness to his face. Never mind the fact that his hair and back were covered in ice shavings. The man ran his hand through his hair, quickly shaking it out. “Alright,” he finally said quietly. “But I’ll probably just fall again and that will not be impressive.”

Heimdall winked at Livvy. “From the top, then?”

“What?”

“You heard me. We need to practice the entire routine.”

Loki sighed, skating slowly and effortlessly away from his coach, obviously trying to calm his nerves, before heading back. “Right. Music?”

Heimdall nodded, skating to the boards and fiddling with a radio that was perched on top of it. Loki skated to the middle of the ice, stretching out his arms and looking downwards. The music started--a gentle tapping sound. Loki looked up slowly, then started skating in smooth, leisurely curves. As the music sped up, so did he, performing neat little curves seemingly off the cuff. The music suddenly paused slightly, and he hitched his step with his toe pick, swinging himself around and abruptly changing directions. The music came back more forcefully, and he launched himself into the air, spinning once, twice, three times, and another half--triple axel. Livvy held his breath as he made to land--and land he did, skating backwards at high speed on one leg, his other held back at a ninety-degree angle. He sank back into familiar curves, then as the music began to speed up into a steady pulse, he began to lift his leg, gliding on his left leg in a sharp curve, which he sharpened further, twisting in on himself until he was spinning, leaning his body over so that it and his back leg was parallel to the ground. Suddenly he changed his pitch, grabbing the ankle of the leg he wasn’t spinning on and crouching down toward the ground, spinning faster and faster as he tucked his forehead onto his black skate. As he began to lose momentum, he rose slightly and leapt to his other skate, switching legs and neatly folding back toward the ground again with the leg he wasn’t spinning on now stretched out in front of him and his arms bent in front of his chest. He slowly raised them upwards, grabbing the blade of his shoe in one of his hands as he lifted his body from the ice again, impossibly still spinning. He held his skate at chest level, lifting the arm not holding the blade high up over his head in an elegant gesture. Finally he let it fall, lingering slightly in his hair before slowing as he dropped his leg and stopped with his hands both held in front of his chest. As the music stopped, he made a dramatic gesture with his arms out at his sides.

Livvy was breathing hard from just watching him, having felt the tension of every move that Loki had attempted, wondering if he would injure himself during one of them but ultimately just in such awe of the beauty of the dance. She found herself clapping enthusiastically, and Loki smiled and bent himself over in a bow, his hands still held out at his sides.

“Alright, not bad,” Heimdall said seriously, obviously used to seeing the routine and hence not nearly as awestruck as Livvy found herself being. “The triple axel’s landing was a little sloppy, but for the first time today, you didn’t fall, so that’s something. We’ll continue to practice that move tomorrow, and then I want to see if we can squeeze in a combination near the beginning of the song.”

Loki nodded, clearly out of breath. “Right. Yeah, I could feel that that one wasn’t perfect.”

Heimdall let himself give Loki a pat on the back. “You did well though. You little showoff.”

Loki let out a breathless laugh before skating slowly toward Livvy as Heimdall left the ice.

***

“You liked that, didn’t you?” Loki had just finished his routine, and his heart rate had yet to settle. The flush on his cheeks matched that of the girl standing in front of her, breathing nearly as heavily as he was. Well, that certainly had her turned on. He smiled mischievously and turned away, toward the ice rink’s exit door.

“That was beautiful! I can’t believe you can do all that. That ending spin was gorgeous. How do you not get dizzy?” Livvy was all questions.

“Apparently when you skate long enough, your brain learns to ignore the dizzy signals. A skater starts off slow, with about two spins at a time, before they begin to build up a tolerance to it. We do practice spotting too, like in ballet, but really a lot of it is relying on that brain signal blocking itself.” He smiled, enjoying the explanation as he grabbed his skate guards and a rag from the boards. He wiped off his blades before slipping them on.

“Aren’t we getting on the ice?” Livvy asked, looking a little confused.

Loki chuckled. She was the impatient one, wasn’t she? He walked to the benches for a second and collapsed on one before answering. “They’ll resurface it in a minute,” he explained. “I’ve rather torn it up during practice.”

“Wait, you did all of that?” Livvy looked at the ice--which really wasn’t at all smooth anymore--, her eyes widening.

“Mm. I’m exhausted.” His eyes drifted closed for a minute.

“We don’t have to stay,” she offered considerately.

His eyes sprang open again, fixing their green gaze on her. “No way. I need to take a couple cool-down laps anyway and I highly doubt I’ll be doing anything too physical. We won’t stay long though… mind if we leave in a half hour or so?”

“Sounds good to me.” He smiled a thank you and pulled the hem of his pants up and over the edge of his boots, bending over to unlace them. He pulled one off and flexed his toes painfully. They were throbbing under his black socks and he was fairly sure that they were bleeding.

“The things I do for the ice,” he said wistfully. “The sense of freedom I get from it makes it all worth it though.”

“I get the feeling,” Livvy said. “Sort of, at least. With my art, I always feel like it’s not good enough, like I hate my style, and it’s sometimes enough to get me really upset. But it’s worth it because when I’m drawing, I can let all my worries slip away. Of course, that’s not physical injury. Are you okay? Your coach seemed to indicate that you’ve been falling all day.”

Loki pulled off his other boot and set his leg on the bench, stretching himself to grab it in one hand. “Mm,” he said tightly, before exhaling and straightening his back. “Sorry. Requisite post-practice stretches. Sorry, where were we? Right. Yeah, I’m fine. Nothing but a few bruises and some sore feet. You should see how many bruises I’ve got by the end of the day.” He continued to do his stretches, the fact that Livvy was watching him not escaping his notice. The familiar sound of the Zamboni drifted through his ears as he stretched. “Alright, I’m going to run to the bathroom quickly--you can stay here and start putting your skates on if you’d like,” he said, nodding to her bag.

He reflected on whether he had really expected her to come as he walked toward the locker room. Part of him had expected her to feel nervous about what he was afraid might have marked a rather big step forward in their relationship--whether or not she saw it that way was up for debate, of course. He cursed himself for letting her walk in while he was laying on the ice, of all things--something like that always ended up happening at almost every practice, but he hadn’t really wanted her to see him basically having a tantrum over a triple axel. He idly wondered if she even knew what a triple axel was. She almost definitely wouldn’t grasp quite how hard it was to do. She had been so impressed by that sit spin--but that was easy compared to the axel. Any sort of jump was just such a leap of faith--floating above a rock-hard expanse of slippery white.

Shaking his head, he pushed open the locker room door and nodded to a couple fellow skaters who were sitting on a bench chatting to one another. “Resurfacing?” One of the boys asked, glancing up at Loki.

“Mm, it’ll be ready to go in about five minutes,” Loki responded, glancing over his shoulder as he continued walking.

After having used the bathroom, he stood by the sink and took a second to look at his appearance. He wet his hand and ran it through his hair, trying to fluff it out a bit and get it away from where it clung in sweaty strands to his face. Whatever, it would have to do. He’d take a quick shower in here before they went out anyway. He checked his watch—the ice should be nearly ready now—and walked back out of the room, his socked feet making no sound as he made his way back to Livvy. It felt interesting having someone else with him, and he was looking forward to seeing her on the ice, even if they didn’t have a whole lot of time.

“Hey,” he said, sliding back onto the bench next to her.

“Hi,” she responded, lifting a foot slightly awkwardly. “How do you like my skates?”

He smiled, leaning over and grabbing her foot, hoisting it up to rest on the bench. She was wearing a nice pair of white figure skates, with a padded purple interior and short purple laces, which he tested for tightness—not bad for her strength. “Look comfortable, that’s for sure. The purple is nice.” She had soft purple skate soakers over the blades, and he extended her leg further, resting her ankle on his lap before removing the fabric cover and running his finger over the blade. “Nice and sharp,” he said approvingly. “Actually not bad quality skates at all. Certainly a lot less beaten up than mine.” He chuckled, placing her leg back on the floor, grabbing his own skates as he did so. He shoved his foot in and quickly laced it nice and tightly.

“Can I see yours?” Livvy asked shyly. Loki looked up at her hazel eyes with a smile, taking a moment to appreciate her dark purple makeup. It lent her a somewhat mischievous look that he loved.

“Of course, Darling.” He finished lacing the second skate and flung one of his legs onto Livvy’s leg.

“They are rather scratched up, aren’t they?” Livvy said with a laugh. “Well-loved.”

Loki smiled. “That they are. I’d like to get some new ones for the contest, but I doubt that’ll happen on my salary.” He pulled his leg closer to himself and ran his hand against the leather lovingly, his fingernails catching on the light grey scratches caused by sharp ice fragments when he had fallen. “Oh, look at this.” He removed his plastic skate guards and ran his fingers lightly against the cold steel blade. “So this is about four millimeters thick. One of the finer points in figure skating involves skating on the edges of the blade—certain jumps need to be landed on either the inside edge”—he moved his fingers to the right side of the left boot—“and certain other jumps need to be landed on the outside edge,” he said, indicating the left side of the boot. “Figure skating isn’t just gymnastics on ice—it’s all in the way you’re skating, how you’re using the blade to dance, to create momentum that will put you on a spiral or that will allow you to land a jump in a smooth, elegant way.”

“I didn’t see anything wrong with your triple axel landing,” Livvy said, looking at him curiously.

Loki slipped his skate guard back on and stood up, walking to the rink. “That’s actually a good example of the rules that are involved in figure skating. It’s a funny thing, really—we’re expected to be virtually weightless on one four-millimeter blade over an expanse of slippery ice.” He lifted his legs alternately, slipping the plastic off his blades and placing the guards on the boards before stepping out onto the ice. He glided forward on both feet before lazily turning around to look at Livvy. His blades felt extra sharp against the newly resurfaced ice. “Any figure skating jump requires that one lands on one leg, moving backwards. I landed that jump correctly, but with too much impact and on the flat blade, not on the edge. It was a bit of a mess really; if you would have known what to look for, you would have seen it. My height actually makes it a little more difficult to keep my center of gravity for a jump—if I leave the ice at an angle, it’s harder for me to correct it.”

“That’s interesting,” Livvy said, following him into the ice. She looked a little wobbly for a split second before straightening out. He had to give it to her—she looked quite natural once she was on the ice. He watched as she thrusted with her right leg, moving toward him steadily. He smiled and skated backwards effortlessly for a while, watching her form. She had good posture, yet looked fairly relaxed, and spent enough time gliding instead of actively thrusting that she didn’t look too much like a novice.

“Not bad,” he said with an appreciative frown, his gaze graveling down her curvy legs—with a bit of exercise, those could have been skating legs—before he corrected himself, turning around to fall in next to her. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the two boys from the locker room step onto the ice, talking to each other and pausing to practice spins and jumps as they critiqued each other’s performance. Loki settled with skating in circles around the half of the rink the others weren’t using, enjoying the feeling of skating with someone.

On sudden impulse, Loki grabbed Livvy’s hand, using their combined impulse to swing around in front of her and grab her other hand so that they were facing each other. Caught by surprise, she stumbled slightly, and Loki found his hand meeting her hip to steady her. He blushed slightly and quickly moved it back to her hand.

She gazed at his green eyes and he caught the sparkle of green in her own, highlighted by the sparkle of the ice. “I’m really the right height for couple’s skating,” he said quietly. “Maybe we can play around with that if you keep coming here. Never to go anywhere serious with it, but… it’d be fun.”

Livvy smiled. “That sounds awesome. Should we just meet every Friday?”

“I’m fine with that.” Loki smiled. “Or we could try Saturday’s. I don’t come in for lessons on a Saturday, but we can all have free ice time then.”

Loki noticed a hint of suspicion in her face. “So then why didn’t you just ask me to come here tomorrow?” she asked.

He swung out of her grasp, skating out in front of her, speeding up before kicking off with his toe pick, his leg muscles rippling as he tossed himself into the air, spinning around one and a half times, relishing in the cool air lashing against his face as he tucked his arms close to his chest before releasing the spin, slowing his momentum as his legs moved back towards the cool surface below. He straightened his leg as it impacted the ground, landing smoothly and neatly on the inside edge of his blade. He glided forward for a second before grinding to a halt. “That’s how an axel is done,” he said proudly and breathlessly. Add two more turns to that and you’ve got a triple.”

“It’s beautiful,” Livvy breathed, and Loki looked over his shoulder at her face with a smirk before pulling a headphone-wrapped iPhone out of a slim pocket in his pants and checking the time.

“We should get going.” Loki waved her over to him as he stepped off the ice. “Wish we could stay longer but I am rather starving.”

“Hey, don’t sidestep my question, Loki.”

But he did, because that’s what he did best. He slipped on his skate guards and headed toward the locker room. “I’m going to go wash up and get changed, then we can get going. I won’t be too long. Maybe you can look up places to eat in the meantime.” He walked off swiftly, his long legs taking him forward in swift strides. He glanced back at Livvy, who was clearly still looking for an answer, and grinned. “Maybe I just couldn’t wait to see you again.”

***

Loki stepped out of the shower stall, quickly towel-drying his hair before slipping on a pair of well-fitting black denim pants and a grey-blue hoodie with a skate club emblem on the breast. He took a minute to look in the mirror, trying to tame his hair, which was beginning to curl wildly. It’d just have to do. At least he wasn’t sweaty anymore.

Heading back to the benches, he unlocked his locker, exchanging his skates for his tan suede Timberland boots and pulling them on over some thick grey socks. He stuffed his skating clothes into a satchel which contained a couple books from work and his laptop, as well as his wallet, which he removed and stuck in his pocket. Hoisting the bag over his shoulder, he grabbed his phone and hurried out of the locker room.

Stepping out, he saw that Livvy was leaning on the wall, waiting for him. She had a drawstring bag on her shoulder alongside her handbag, which he assumed contained her skates. “Oh,” he said suddenly. “I can put your skates in my locker if you’d like. It’d be easier.”

“That’d be great,” Livvy said appreciatively, handing it to him.

“The locker room is empty, if you want to come in,” Loki said, pausing as he opened the door.

“Sure.” There was a hint of hesitation in her voice, and he frowned.

“We’ll only be there for a second. You can hear anything that goes on in this building.”

“I said sure.”

He shrugged, letting the issue go. Her hesitation made sense—he wouldn’t want to get into a situation where he was alone with a strange guy if he was a girl, either. He got a slight thrill in his spine as he realized that clearly, she was thinking of him in that way. He walked in, kneeling in front of his locker as he spun the dial to unlock it. “Does it feel scandalous to be in the boy’s locker room?”

Livvy chuckled. “A little. It’s quite nice in here actually.” She looked around at the yellowish floors and red lockers. It was quite a modern look, clearly having been recently built.

“Mm, not too bad, is it?” Loki stood up again, kicking the locker shut. “Time to go.”

Once they were back in the hallway, Loki spoke up. “So, did you find anywhere you liked for dinner?”

“I don’t really know. What kind of thing are you looking for?”

Loki shrugged. “Someplace nice.”

“Are you on some sort of special diet for your skating?”

“Not really. It’s a bit of a difficult one really, as figure skating does rely rather heavily on aesthetics, but I’m trying not to fall into that trap.”

“What trap?”

“Starving yourself.” Loki chuckled. “Most skaters do it at some point. It’s not healthy and it really doesn’t improve one’s performance. I don’t eat a ton, but I eat as many calories as I burn—which isn’t nothing, I might add—and I choose to ignore the judges who tell me to lose weight.”

“You’ve been told to lose weight? But you’re already so slim.”

“You’d be surprised. I’ve got a very low body fat percentage and yet they always want thinner, sleeker. It’s slightly easier for me since I’m tall and thus can usually look slimmer than most shorter skaters. Anyway—when I go out, I don’t let myself think about what I’m eating. Besides, I’ve got a fair allowance to go through,” he said with a chuckle. “I’m lucky to have Heimdall as a coach--he’s more often telling me to eat more than to eat less. Stress makes me lose weight, so he’s always extra concerned. So, most of the time, I’m free to eat as much as I’d like.”

“Good, because I certainly love food. What do you mean, how many calories can you eat per day, on estimate?”

Loki frowned in concentration. “Um… well my exercising alone probably burns around 2,500 or so, and then adding regular calorie burning, I can easily get to about, oh, I don’t know, 5,000 calories? I don’t tend to count them. Usually doesn't work well. To put it simply, it’s not so much how much we eat as it is what we eat. I have to stay lean, so there’s a lot of stuff like chicken breasts and fish involved, lots of vegetables, just basically clean eating. But like, tonight, I’m quite happy to have a cheat day. I can’t promise you I’ll go crazy with it but I’m happy to do it.” He shook his head. “Where were we?”

“Deciding where to go for dinner,” Livvy replied, laughing.

“Well, I don’t know; what’s your favorite food?”

“Umm… well, I love any kind of pasta.”

“Oh, there’s an Italian place around the corner that I’ve been meaning to try. Why don’t we go there?”

“That sounds great.”

Loki pushed open the door to the skating center and walked down the steps. He held up his bag. “I’m going to toss this into my car. Mind if we walk there? It’s not far at all.”

“We can do that. I like walking.”

He walked up to his car—a dark green 2015 Toyota Corolla—and, after unlocking it, placed his bag on the floor, hiding it from view. Olivia stood behind him. “I like the color,” she commented, running her fingers over the car’s metal.

“You might have noticed that I love the color green,” Loki said with a chuckle. “Which is your car?”

Livvy pointed to a light blue 2015 Ford Focus. “I’m saving up for a purple Jeep though.”

“Oh, but I like that color. Reminds me of ice.”

“Mm, I call my car Snowflake, because it’s hubcaps look like snowflakes.”

Loki leaned over sideways for a better look. “So they do. That’s pretty awesome actually.” He slammed the door shut, locking the car and sticking the key into his pocket with his wallet. “So, how’s your day been?” He turned onto the street’s sidewalk, Livvy walking next to him.

“It’s been alright. At work, I’m trying to draw up some plans for a few houses in a subdivision they’re building.”

“Well, that sounds like fun.”

Livvy shrugged. “Yeah, rather fun. Software is giving me issues though, as usual. I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job of it.”

“I’m sure you’re doing fine. You’ll have to show me your work sometime. What else have you been up to? Read any good books lately?”

“Not really. I’d love to read something but I can’t find anything I’m really in the mood for, and to be honest, I don’t really have the time. I could probably make some if I found something really good, of course.”

Loki smiled. “Well, maybe I can find you something you’ll enjoy.”

“I’d like that.” They walked in silence for a moment before Livvy hesitantly spoke up. “So… how many skating outfits do you have?”

Loki laughed, his face coloring slightly. “I was wondering if you’d mention that. Did you like my one today?”

Livvy blushed. “I mean, I didn’t dislike it.”

The dark-haired skater laughed again. “Of course. Um… I’ve got a couple pairs of skating pants—the one from today, black with the green inset, and then one that’s just a plain, very dark grey. Occasionally I’ll just wear regular old yoga pants, although I like the thickness of the actual skating pants. Only rule there is that men can’t wear leggings, thank goodness.” He chuckled. “When I’m practicing, I just wear whatever shirt I feel like that day. Today my coach wanted me to wear something slightly nicer so I wore that shirt. We’ve got skating club hoodies and jerseys that we usually wear for about half our practice before we get too hot and take them off. I almost always wear fingerless gloves for the simple reason that I like them.”

“What do you wear for competitions?”

“Hehehe. I’ve got a couple outfits. They’re… interesting.”

“Do tell.”

“Don’t you think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself?” he teased her, nudging her shoulder to signal for her to turn into the restaurant. “I think someone’s a little too excited to see my body,” he hissed into her ear, reveling in the way his words sent a shiver down her spine. “You’re not half bad yourself.”

“Stop,” she muttered. “Anyway, I’m not nearly as fit as you.”

Loki made a rumbling half-laugh sound, still not raising his voice above the hiss. “And who told you I like girls as fit as me?”

Her face flushed as she resolutely stepped into the building and walked toward the counter where the waiter was. Loki smirked, knowing fully what his words had done to her, and walked quickly behind her. “Table for two, please,” he said, flashing a smile at the man.

“Right this way.” The man grabbed two menus and walked toward the end of the small restaurant, setting the menus on a small booth table.

Loki nodded appreciatively, sliding onto the booth and picking up the menu. He watched Livvy do the same. “Order whatever you want,” Loki said decisively. “Dinner’s on me.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind—”

Loki leaned forward a little and raised one eyebrow. “You really want to argue this?”

“I—alright, fine. Thank you.”

He flashed a smile. “Much better. Pleasure, darling.”

“Haven’t I already told you not to call me that?”

Loki frowned and tilted his head from side to side as if considering her words before looking back at the menu. A minute passed before a lively waitress arrived at the table. “What can I get you two to drink?”

“I think I’ll get the endless coffee,” Loki said.

“That sounds good,” Livvy commented.

“Alright, same for her then. Hehe.” He was quite enjoying this. “And water on the side for both of us.”

“Great, I’ll be back in a second with that.” She walked off quickly.

“What are you thinking to eat?” Livvy asked after a second, looking over her own menu at Loki.

“The penne Romano with Italian sausage looks good. Either that or the chicken broccoli penne.”

“Oooh, that looks good. I was actually thinking the chicken broccoli penne too.”

“Well then, we can get both and then we can try each other’s.”

“Good, so you’re not one of those that has a problem with sharing then.”

“Nope.” Loki assured her. “I’ll quite happily steal half of someone else’s food off their plate. It’s become an almost competitive thing with Thor and I.”

Livvy laughed. “That’s actually great. I bet Thor wins that one most of the time.”

“Hey, I’m pretty competitive! Hehehe, no--you’re totally right--Thor eats way more than me. Watching that guy pack down the carbs can be almost sickening sometimes. He’s like… a wolf sometimes.”

“Well if he’s a wolf, then you’re a cat.”

Loki wiped at tears in his eyes as his body shook with laughter. “That’s--not inaccurate.”

Livvy frowned. “I’d think Thor is more of a golden retriever though.”

“And--right again. Much more him. Not vicious enough to be a wolf,” he gasped, trying and failing to stop his laughter.

He was still trying to recover when the waitress arrived with two coffees, a small pitcher of milk, and two glasses of water on a tray. She placed them on the table before pulling out a notepad. “Are you ready to order?”

“Yes,” Livvy said, looking sternly at Loki. He got the message that he needed to pull himself together, and he struggled to push down the humor. “I’d like the chicken broccoli penne.”

“Right. Em--I’ll have the penne romano with italian sausage. Eheheh. Sorry.” The waitress gave him a slightly amused look before walking back toward the kitchen.

“Loki!” Livvy hissed, looking unamused.

“You started it,” he said with a chortle. “Oh, you’re such fun to go out with.” He reached for the milk and poured a small amount of it into his coffee before taking a sip. “Ah. So good.”

Livvy narrowed her eyes at him before tending to her own coffee. She stirred it slowly before finally raising her eyes to look at him and murmured a quiet reply.

“You’re not half bad yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, both the first and second chapters have been a little boring so far. I assure you, it gets better--more intense--come next chapter. Hang with me ;) It's not all mushy sweetness. Lol.  
I should probably mention that originally I had them all as Jehovah's Witnesses, so yes, they wear suits to their community service meetings. I didn't want to offend anyone so I removed that detail... not sure if that was a good idea or not but whatever.


	3. Not Alone Anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this one's not super interesting but we do learn a little about Loki's past. It's a shorter chapter... the next one gets a lot heavier.

“I’ll take Natasha, Bruce, and Loki in my car group,” Steve was saying to the field volunteer group. “Sound good to everyone?”

Loki nodded, secretly wishing he was put with Livvy but not arguing the point. It was probably better this way--he was new to the community, after all, and he could benefit from getting taught by an experienced leader. Today they were knocking on doors, soliciting canned food donations. Steve was a good leader, and Loki knew that the arrangement was probably for the best. He’d just talk to Livvy quickly and make their plans for later before the group left. It was a Saturday morning, a week after Loki and Livvy had skated together last.

Steve dismissed the group, and everyone began to stand up, chatting with the person closest to them. Loki patted Thor on the back. “Hope it goes well for you today.”

“Thank you, Loki. I always enjoy feeling like I’m making a difference to the community.”

“You and me both, surprisingly enough,” Loki said with a smile. “Who were you working with this morning, again?”

“Jane, Wanda, and your girlfriend.” Loki instantly punched him in the gut hard enough to elicit a quiet “oof” from the larger man.

“Shush. Nothing’s official yet,” Loki hissed at him.

“Should be. It’s not exactly subtle that you two have got a bit of a spark.” Thankfully, Thor was speaking in his almost-whisper voice. He seemed incapable of going any softer than that.

Loki decided to ignore that. “Well, you’re rather outnumbered by females,” he said in a normal voice.

“Yes, that I am,” Thor agreed with a grin. “Ought to be interesting.” He lowered his voice. “I can get to know Livvy better, at least.”

Loki crossed his arms and bit his lip. What would Thor have to say about him? He hoped he wouldn’t put Livvy off--although, then again, Thor wasn’t exactly the vindictive type who would purposefully thwart Loki’s attempts at getting to know somebody. “We’re going skating later,” he finally said. “I have to go figure out the arrangements.”

Thor placed a hand on Loki’s shoulder, a suddenly serious look in his eyes. “Be careful, brother. You’re still fresh from the gang and she deserves to know your story.”

A shadow passed over Loki’s eyes. “You mean the--”

“Wouldn’t you like to know if your girlfriend had tried to--” Loki held up his hand, stopping the thought.

“I’ll tell her. I just--I don’t want to scare her off.”

“You really do like her, don’t you?” Loki raised his green eyes to look into Thor’s blue ones. A slow smile spread over Thor’s face and he found himself suddenly thrown into one of Thor’s all-encompassing hugs. Usually he was able to dodge them--seemed he was off his game today. He pushed fruitlessly at Thor’s massive shoulders.

“Get off.”

“For what it’s worth, Loki, I hope it goes well for you.”

“Thor, I swear, if you don’t--”

“No swearing in the community hall, Loki,” a new voice--Tony’s--said with a hint of amusement. “Thor, for goodness’ sake, you’re going to crush him.”

“Thanks,” Loki said with an embarrassed chuckle as Thor released him.

Thor frowned. “He’s too full of muscle to crush.”

Loki blushed deeper. “Um, I have to go talk to someone quickly.”

“Good luck!” Thor called out.

“Stop it.” Loki marched off, hearing a distant question from Tony as to what that was all about, and a reply from Thor that was thankfully vague. He ran his fingers through his curls, tugging slightly both to smooth them out and to calm himself as he stepped up to Livvy, who was talking animatedly with Jane.

“Yeah, I just got tired of being in the same city as my parents,” Livvy was explaining. “I wanted to be more of an individual, so I asked around for where I could find a town with a nice community atmosphere. I got sent here--a little further away than I expected, but I’m enjoying it.” She turned slightly, allowing Loki into the conversation. “Hello, Loki.”

“Hey, ice guy,” Jane said with a smile. “What’s up? Thor says we need to do something together sometime.”

“I suppose we could. When are you thinking of?”

“Oh, whenever. Just at some point. We could stay at your place if you’d like.”

Loki thought about that for a minute. “Why don’t we all do something sometime? Livvy, you can come too, over to my place. I’ll cook something.”

Jane made a face. “Not your so-called fancy ‘grilled chicken breast over a bed of greens’ again, I hope?”

Loki laughed. “Hey, it’s not that bad!”

“It is! It’s like the driest thing ever. With barely any taste. Seriously, Livvy, you’d understand if you tried it.”

Livvy chuckled. “Loki was telling me about his diet last week. It does honestly sound rather bland.”

“Hey, why don’t we make something?” Jane asked, grabbing Livvy’s arm. The redhead laughed.

“Great idea!”

Loki crossed his arms. “But I wanted to cook.”

“Patience, Frosty. You’ll get your chance.” She patted him on the shoulder, laughing. He leaned away from the touch slightly.

“Fine, okay. Just be careful because my coach always monitors what I eat.”

“You’ll be fine, Loki,” Livvy said with a laugh. “I’ll find something good to make. Anyway, speaking of coaches--what’s our plan for today?”

“Right, that’s what I came to talk about. I was thinking I could pick you up and we could go to the rink together after service.”

Jane looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “Are you two a thing?”

Loki opened his mouth, awkwardly glancing at Livvy. “Er, I…”

“We’re friends,” Livvy said quickly.

Jane laughed. “Might want to consider discussing that. Anyway, I think Thor and Wanda are ready to go, Livvy. See you tomorrow, Loki!”

He nodded, still feeling awkward, and turned around to look for the rest of his car group. Steve nudged him as he walked past him, toward the door of the hall. “We’re off, Loki. Natasha and Bruce are waiting in the car--we’re driving with them.”

“Right.” Loki followed Steve out, and walked toward a light brown SUV--that would be Bruce’s car. Reaching it, he pulled open the door of the backseat and slid onto the leather seat. Steve climbed in on the other backseat, and Loki noticed that Natasha was driving. She seemed to Loki to be rather a control freak, so it didn’t surprise him to see her up there. Bruce settled himself in the passenger’s seat.

“Hey guys,” Bruce said, smiling. “What’s up?”

“Not much,” Steve said. “Work’s going well. We’ve been pretty busy--I guess a lot of people are buying cars right now.” Steve worked at a Ginetta Cars plant. “How’s it going for you, Loki?”

“Work has been pretty slow, for the most part. There are a few college students coming in for research papers, so it’s been nice to help them find what they’re looking for, but that’s about it. I’ve been spending most of my time at the library just reading whatever books strike my fancy.”

“How’s skating?”

Loki shrugged. “Practicing for a contest. It’s been somewhat exhausting, but fun, as it always is. I’ve got a lot of bruises from trying to land the triple axel my coach is determined I do. I always think I’ve almost got it, and then it turns out that I’m landing on the wrong edge, or I’m overcompensating for my skew takeoff, and half the time I wind up sprawled on the ice.”

“Sounds thrilling,” Natasha said dryly. “Why would you torture yourself like that?”

Bruce laughed. “Says the one who does marathons in her free time.”

“That’s different,” Natasha said sternly. “I don’t ever fall. I just run out of breath, or have sore legs.”

Loki smiled and let the conversation swirl around him as he sat back in his chair, watching the scenery pass by as they drove to Steve’s territory. Finally they pulled over on the side of a quiet street. “Why don’t we work together?” Steve suggested to Loki as they removed their seatbelts.

The man simply nodded and smiled. “Figured we would, anyway.” He suddenly felt nervous. He was working with Steve—a group leader who knew so much. If he wanted to talk to anyone about what was going on right now… Steve would be the right man. It had only been a week though--was it soon enough to be speaking to the others about? Loki got out of the car and started walking down the street with Steve as if on autopilot.

Steve nudged him slightly as Loki began to walk right past a driveway, and chuckled. Loki shook his head to clear it and headed up the driveway. “What’s bothering you, Loki?”

Loki sighed. “It’s nothing, really.” His mind firmly resisted sharing his thoughts with the man. Loki preferred to keep to himself, so speaking to others about his issues went against all his instincts. It reminded him of a time he didn’t want to be reminded of.

“If you’re worried about anything, no matter how small, I’m here to talk to,” Steve said, his light brown eyebrows knitting together in concern as he knocked on the door. The two men stood for a couple minutes, waiting to see if anyone would answer the door.

Loki took a deep breath. “You’ve probably noticed that I’ve started talking to Olivia.”

Steve chuckled. “Thought this might have something to do with that.”

“Mmm.”

“Carry on. I’m not going to judge you or tell you what to do.”

Loki gave him a sideways glance, a smile flickering on his lips. “Thank you for that.” The two started walking down the driveway again, heading to the next house. “It’s just… This morning, Thor mentioned how I’m still… fresh from my past. Do you think it’s… okay to be pursuing her? I mean--she’s had a good upbringing, been an exemplary person, and I’m… not.”

Steve paused and turned to look at Loki, placing a hand on the brother’s shoulder. “Just because you’ve had a rough past, it doesn’t mean that you’re not just as good as the rest of us. We’re all rooting for you, Loki. She could be good for you.”

Loki gave him a small smile. “Thank you.” He hesitated. “Thor reckons I need to tell her about… the incident.”

Steve frowned. “What have you told her so far?”

“I told her about my involvement with the gang, and how the police got involved, which ended my time there and got me back into skating and led me into here. She knows all that, but not… not why I got out of skating in the first place, or the specifics of how I met the gang.”

“The thing is, Loki, it’s in the past. It might be nice to let her know, but ultimately, you’re not in that place anymore. It’s not something you would do today.” He paused. “If it is, of course, you need to talk to me about it.”

“No, no, of course not. I’m fine now. Everything’s looking up. I wouldn’t--”

“No, I didn’t think so. So why do you feel like it’s a big thing to tell her?”

Loki made a frustrated noise in his throat. “I just--I stood on the edge of that bridge, staring at the gap between life and death, and I chose death.” He looked up at Steve. “That’s… not normal. Surely that side of me is still in there somewhere.” He looked away as his throat began to tighten.

“Hey, hey. Why don’t we go back to the car and discuss this there? Natasha and Bruce can do the street. We’re obviously overdue for a chat.”

Loki nodded, and the two turned around, backtracking down the sidewalk toward the car. Steve stepped away from Loki for a second to speak briefly to Natasha. She unlocked the car, and Steve and Loki climbed in and shut the doors.

Steve sighed. “The thing is, Loki, sometimes the stress of the world does some awful things to us. It makes us doubt ourselves and our own worth. Even the prophet Jonah cursed the day he was born. Job longed for death many times.”

“But they had good reason for that.”

“And so did you. You told me that--”

“That I felt I would never be good enough to my family.”

“You had issues of self-worth, Loki. And that’s exactly what’s rearing its head again right now.”

Loki shifted uncomfortably. “I guess so.”

“But right now, you’re not depressed, and you’re in a good place, so it’s not effecting you the way it did back then. We’re all here for you, Loki. The whole group loves your story. Just the other day, Bucky was telling me how he’s so inspired by the way you decided to join this group and change yourself after all you’ve been through, and he only knows the gang part of it. You’re an encouragement to him--he feels like if you could do it, he can too.”

Loki smiled, and found himself reaching out an arm to shake Steve’s shoulder appreciatively. “Thank you. I should tell her, then?”

“She’ll find out soon enough anyway, so it’s probably best to hear from you. It’s not a bad thing to suffer from depression, Loki. It’s an illness, not something personally wrong with you. You were in a bad place, but you got through it, even if it took you awhile. You got through it, and now you’ve got friends who will support you. There’s nothing wrong with dating someone.”

“Do you think I’m moving too fast, though?”

“We all move forward at different paces. What do you think? Do you think she’s ready to move forward to officially dating?”

Loki thought about that, reminiscing on the previous week and remembering how she had occasionally seemed to be purposefully flirting with him over his costumes and such. “I do, actually.”

“Then go ahead, Loki. It’ll be easier if you can officially call her your girlfriend anyway.”

Loki exhaled deeply, suddenly noticing the drying tears on his face. “I’m sorry. It's just been so much recently. All good stuff, but sometimes I just take a second and think, is this all real? Do I really deserve this? And meeting Livvy now… it just all seems too good to be true.”

“Just remember, Loki—you’re not alone anymore. We’re all here for you. The whole group, and even Livvy. Just take the time to get to know her. We don’t know her all too well, but the reports on her and her family seem to be favorable. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t push it—make sure to take the time to get to know her. But don’t let the opportunity slip past, either. Go ahead and court her. You’ve got the time and I think you’re doing very well with moving on.”

“Thank you, Steve. You don’t know how much this chat has helped me.”

The blonde man smiled. “Anytime, Loki. Don’t feel bad to talk to me. Now, how about we go get some doors?”


	4. Just You and Me and the Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting interesting :) Trigger warning for description of an attempted suicide.

Loki stood by his car in the parking lot of the ice rink, leaning gently on the driver’s door as he waited for Livvy to show up. He had to have a full conversation with her—and the thought was causing him a considerable amount of stress. He longed to run inside and skate away the weight on his shoulders, but he knew he couldn’t. Livvy needed to hear this, and he needed to say it.

Finally, Loki looked up as a light blue car drove in, making a whooshing sound as it drove over the damp ground—it had started raining just as Loki had finished up the community service, and it was still drizzling as Loki stood there.

The car parked and Livvy jumped out, locking it before walking over to Loki. “Hey Lokes, what’re you doing out here in the rain?”

Seeing her brought a half-smile to Loki’s face. “Just waiting for you.” It wasn’t quite right, but he didn’t want to start out with something too dramatic. He led the way into the building, walking to the rink and sitting down on a bench before turning to her.

“Shouldn’t we get our skates?” Livvy asked, looking a bit confused.

Loki picked at a piece of dead skin on his hand. “Actually—there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Here?” She caught on to his serious tone, and matched it with one of her own. “I’m glad to talk, Loki, but can’t we do it elsewhere?”

That gave Loki an idea, and he quickly stood up. “Actually, yes, I know just the place.”

“Lead the way.”

Loki exited the building and walked along the sidewalk outside with Livvy following. “I live right around here, so this is a route I run most mornings,” he explained quietly. The two began to ascend a concrete bridge built over a river. It was a quiet road, with only the occasional car rushing past. Nevertheless, the two remained safely on the sidewalk. Loki slowed to a stop as they reached the top of the bridge, and he walked carefully over to the short railing, his breathing suddenly fast and irregular.

“Are you okay?” He knelt down in front of the edge, and he felt a steadying hand on his shoulder before Livvy knelt next to him.

“I’ve been back here so many times before, but it’s always just a reminder of what could have been.” A feeling of nausea pulled at his stomach and he swallowed hard, trying to steady his breathing.

“What do you mean, Loki?” Her voice was soft and gentle.

“This is where it all started, Livvy. I think you should know this.” He paused and looked at her, blinking through sudden tears in his eyes. She nodded. “To jump right in… Odin was raised in the cold-war era. I hate to say it, but Thor and I were always raised with the concept that Russians were bad. We had quite a lot of prejudice against them—it’s rather a long story. Anyway, every chance we got, we were told to look down on them as lesser people. It wasn’t fair, but we were children and we didn’t know better.

“Everything was fine until three years ago, when Thor decided to challenge two Russian students to a game of ice hockey. Thor’s not bad at skating, and obviously neither am I, but the Russians were really good. I was trying to get out of the situation, but Thor kept throwing insults at them and they kept goading him on. Thor was… different back then—boastful, you could say. He acted as though he was the greatest thing to walk the earth. He was easy to rile up and would never back down from a challenge. I—I was different too. Quiet, kept to the background, and if I tried to stop him from doing something, he would remind me that he was older and knew more than me.

“Anyway, Thor and I won the contest, but we were all rather riled up, so they wouldn’t let it go. As we left, they called out that I looked like one of them anyway, and I couldn’t possibly be related to Thor. The words struck a chord in me—probably because I had partly thought the same thing before. I have black hair—but Odin has light grey hair which was light brown back in the day, and Mother has blonde hair. It hadn’t ever seemed correct to me, and my lithe build compared to Thor’s muscular figure had always confused me.

“So I went to Odin and asked him point blank who I was. Turns out, he went to Russia some time ago and found me neglected in an orphanage. Took pity on me, I guess, and brought me home. He’s got a lot of money, so I suppose he was able to take me right there and then.”

“You didn’t know you were adopted until three years ago??”

Loki chuckled humorlessly, a tear slipping from his eye. “Yeah. I told him that he needed to have told me this much earlier, and have not fostered a hatred of my own people in me. How could Odin—no, I almost understand Odin doing this. He’s always focused primarily on himself. But Mother? How could Frigga—” his voice broke, and he looked away quickly, gathering himself again before speaking. “I told him it all made sense, why he had favorited Thor over me—Thor was blood and I wasn’t. He told me that I could at least try to be a good son to him and accept that he was trying his best. I took that as a dig at my skating—he was using similar wording. He always said that I was selfish, not even trying to be the son I could be, because I was a skater and not something more… masculine and impressive.” Loki tugged at his long black trench coat, pulling it tighter around his skating clothes underneath.

“So is that why you ran off and joined the gang?”

Loki took a deep breath, which wavered slightly. “Not so fast. After Odin and I’s argument, I spent a day locked up in my room. Thor tried to get through to me a couple times before Odin told him to stop, let me sulk. The next morning, I got up and went for a walk. Came onto this bridge. Told myself that was the last time I’d leave that house. The last time I’d walk up this bridge. The last time I’d feel the cool air on my cursed Russian skin.”

“Loki, what are you saying?” Livvy’s voice was urgent, almost a whisper, and Loki held up a hand, steadying his voice.

“I told myself that the only way I’d leave this place was on a stretcher. I stood up right here, stared over the edge, looking at the dark water and the grey sky. It was a day much like today, actually. Full of hopelessness. There was life on the bridge, and death in the water.” He took a deep breath. _Lose the poetry, Loki. Just say it._ “I chose the water. I stood up here and I climbed over the railing and... I jumped.”  
“No.” The word came out in a breath, and Loki glanced at her briefly to notice tears streaming down her own face, matching his own.

“Yes, I did. I remember the free fall, how it felt almost as good as flying before I hit the concrete-hard water, and the world went black. There was a moment of clarity after that, when I looked up to see a man with a purple snake tattooed on his face dragging me out of the water. I told him to finish me off, but I think he called emergency services instead. There was probably quite a crowd.”

“Were you badly injured?”

“I had broken both of my legs and had to wear a neck brace for a long time. I had a couple of broken ribs that took a while to heal, too. Was in surgery for a while afterwards. The healing process was long, and I spent most of it isolated in my room at my parents’ house. Finally I got to the point of physical therapy—another ordeal. Odin made me go to a therapist—psychiatrist, that is.”

“Well that was good, right?”

“Not really. I’m… not a very open person and the idea of sharing how I felt with someone I didn’t even know felt wrong. Once I could walk fine, I ended up skipping the sessions and instead wandering around town. It wasn’t a good area.

“One day I was wandering and two men came at me to take my wallet. I evaded them quite well—I might have still been recovering but I wasn’t completely unfit, and I was once a skater, after all. I would have gotten away, except that a man came at me from behind and managed to grab me.

“When I turned around to look at him, we were both taken aback to realize that we recognized each other. He promptly dropped me, and we chatted—it was the man with the purple snake tattoo who had pulled me from the river. He was impressed at my recovery and my evasive skills, and offered for me to join his gang. His name was Rico, and he was leader of it. I asked what his mission was and almost instantly agreed. He let me travel with the gang—we moved around to different abandoned buildings and warehouses, mainly. My family apparently thought me dead during that time. Guess they thought I had tried again and been successful. I bet Odin was furious.” He let out a bitter laugh. “Although Thor did eventually figure it out and track me down once. I still didn’t go with him, though. He was the only one who really cared, anyway, I’m sure.”

“Don’t say that. I’m sure they missed you. That story does make sense though, I suppose. I’m surprised you were able to get back into skating after those injuries.”

“They still bother me sometimes, but I’ve wondered if maybe that’s psychological rather than physiological. I’m actually rather surprised myself. I felt very hopeless after my… failed attempt because I was sharply aware that I may have ruined everything for myself when it came to skating. I didn’t want to even try it again for a while because I was terrified that I would just see myself fail. But Frigga encouraged me, and I got back on. It took a little while to get used to it again, and I’m fairly sure I skate slightly differently than I did before, but I got back to it. Especially after… the accident, I started trying even harder because of her. She would have wanted me to.” Tears were falling freely down his face now.

“Anyway, I’m sorry to have to tell you all this. I just wanted you to hear it from me, not from someone else. I guess I just wanted to let you know that… I’m not perfect. I’ve got issues. I’ve struggled with depression and feelings of worthlessness in the past and I wouldn’t be surprised if they came back to bite me again in the future. And I battle with bad memories to this day.”

Livvy suddenly leaned over and gave him a hug. “It’s okay, Loki. I’m here for you.” He hesitated for a second before hugging her back and standing up, lifting her with him. “I’ve struggled with depression before too,” she said quietly into his chest. “It wasn’t too severe, but it was awful.”

Loki ran his hand through Livvy’s short hair, noticing its dampness before pulling away from the hug. “Sorry, I’ve made us stand in the rain here.”

“No, thank you for being honest with me and telling me all that. I can tell it isn’t easy for you to do.” Loki offered her a half smile and they walked back down the bridge with a small space between them. “Are you still okay to go skating, or would you prefer to just take the rest of the day off?”

“Would you prefer that, darling?” he looked down into the green-brown of her eyes. “I feel like decompressing on the ice isn’t a bad idea.” Livvy nodded. “Besides--I feel like we just need a moment where it’ll just be you and me and the ice.”

“You and me and the ice,” Livvy repeated. “I like that.”

Loki smiled and sidled a little closer to her before taking her hand in his, enjoying the feel of her skin rubbing against his fingerless gloves. Maybe it was a bold move, but he found he simply couldn’t help it.

***  
Loki smiled as he walked out of the locker room. He was wearing a pair of black skating pants, socks, and a well-fitting short-sleeved black shirt with a satin collar and button-down front. It was basically a Latin dancing shirt in skating form. It leant him a rather masculine look that he couldn’t always achieve in figure skating. He walked up to Livvy, holding a pair of skates in each hand--one white and one black.

“Woah, Loki,” Livvy gasped appreciatively as he walked up. “I love that outfit.”

Loki laughed. “I have to give you some reward for sticking with me this afternoon.” He looked at Livvy’s outfit, which consisted of a black A-line dress with red butterflies on it, with a pair of black leggings underneath. “You look great too. We need to get you an actual skating outfit so that you fit in with everyone else though.” He flicked his hand at the handful of people practicing on the ice. There were a couple people who were clearly the guests of figure skaters, but most of them were professionals. “You can’t do a spin in that,” he said with a wink.

“Come on, I’ll never be able to do a spin anyway.”

He frowned. “I can toss you into one if you can just learn how to land it.”

“That,” Livvy laughed, “Sounds terrifying.”

“Hehehe. We’ll see.” He winked before handing her her skates. “I am serious about the costume thing though. How about we head to a store next Saturday? The place I go to has stuff for females as well. Somewhat pricey, but…” He sat down next to her, leaning into her ear. “It would be totally worth it.” His hand hovered by her hip for a second before he dropped it and went back to his putting on his skates.

“You’re so sneaky,” Livvy said, punching his arm lightly.

“I do have a bit of a reputation as a trickster,” he admitted with a chuckle.

“You seem to come with quite the reputation,” Livvy said, raising her eyebrows.

“I’ve no doubt you’ve been talking to my brother. Keep talking to him and you’ll get my personality down.”

“Or, you know, I could just spend more time with you and figure it out for myself.”

Loki looked up quickly, a surprised smile spreading across his face and his green eyes sparkling. “I’ve got no objections to that.” He tugged hard on his laces, neatly tying his skates before glancing over at Livvy, whose face was a mask of concentration as she pulled on her own laces. Loki chuckled. “Here, let me.” Getting up, the man knelt down and pulled tightly on the laces, getting them to a safe level of protection. “There. No broken ankles on my watch.”

“Thank you,” Livvy said with a smile. “Shall we?” She stood up, holding an arm out for him. He grabbed it and pulled himself up, gathering his heavy skates underneath him. They walked to the ice together, where they pulled off their skate guards before stepping onto the slick surface. Loki glided along the ice, turning in lazy curves as he wrapped his arms around himself, stretching them, before leaning over and touching his toes to stretch his hamstrings. “I did yoga this morning, but I just realized I haven’t stretched for this yet.”

“Is it really that important? I never stretch for things.”

“There’s obviously a lot of flexibility involved in skating, and the cold works against that, so if one is doing anything too involved without warming up first, there’s an increased chance of pulling something.”

“I guess that makes sense.”

“Mm. Let’s do a few warm-up laps before we try anything.”

“What exactly are we trying, Loki?”

The skater chuckled. “Um… I’m not exactly sure actually. I need to study up on couple’s moves.”

Livvy laughed. “Alright then.” They began to skate around the rink. “I remember when I was taking lessons and they were trying to teach us that move where you skate on one foot while holding your other leg and body parallel to the ice.”

“Ooh, can you do that then?”

Livvy laughed. “Nope. We practiced on the wall for a while and it always felt like I was going to slip. I started getting the hang of it but when we moved to doing it without the wall, I wasn’t parallel enough and when I tried to correct that, I fell forward and landed really hard on my wrists. They hurt for weeks afterwards.”

Loki winced. “Yeah, you’ve got to be careful how you fall. This stuff is as hard as concrete.” He stabbed the ice with his toe pick as they were skating, resulting in a slight skip in his step. “I should share some of my injury horror stories with you.”

“I honestly think I’ve heard enough today,” Livvy replied, sounding slightly stiff.

He put a hand on her shoulder. “Sorry.” He paused for a second. “For what it’s worth… here’s how it’s done.” His curls flipped onto his face slightly as he lifted his left leg, keeping it level with his body as he leaned forward until he was in a straight line with the ice, his arms extended to his sides. After a minute, he straightened back up to round the corner. “At this point, that’s quite easy. I can take that a little further if you’d like, into a Charlotte spiral.”

“What’s that?”

“Basically a sideways split,” he said with a chuckle.

“You can do that?”

“Of course.” He smiled, waiting until they reached a long, straight section before turning around and lifting his left leg again and leaning forward, this time continuing beyond parallel, bending his body forward until it was held tightly against his skating leg and nearly parallel to his free leg. It looked great, but Livvy noticed as he began to wobble before toppling over completely and landing on the ice in a heap, his face red.

Livvy couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s what happens when you show off.” She grinned, offering him her hand as he groaned and rubbed his back.

“That’s not one that men do very often,” he said regretfully.

“You okay?”

“Mhmm. Just a few more bruises for me.”

“I’m honestly just impressed that you can do the splits.”

Loki barked out a laugh. “I told you I do yoga every morning. I’m incredibly flexible.” He noticed as her cheeks colored slightly and he punched her lightly on the shoulder. “Keep it clean, darling,” he whispered cheekily.

“Stop it, you heathen.”

His jaw dropped in mock indignation. “Now now. Do you really think a heathen could do this?” He swung around to face Livvy. Her speed faltered slightly in response to how close he was. “No, don’t slow down, I can keep up skating backwards. Nobody’s behind us right now.” In truth, most had left the rink—only a couple girls were left in a corner of the rink, practicing positions with each other. Loki smiled, looking almost shy as he stretched his hands out toward Livvy's arms. “Can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Just—try something.” She nodded, looking slightly suspicious, and he quickly moved before she could change her mind, grabbing her under her armpits and lifting her up off of the ice. He hobbled slightly as he adjusted to the new weight, leaning slightly forward as he circled into a two-foot gliding spin. He chipped into the ice with his toe pick to speed it up slightly. Finally he set her down, holding tightly onto her as the spin slowed and they came to a stop. “Woah, that was interesting.”

Livvy was laughing. “That seemed to be way too easy for you to do. I probably don’t even weigh that much less than you.”

“To be honest, I thought we were going to fall for a second there,” Loki admitted. “But hey, these muscles are conditioned for stabilization on ice.”

“For—what? 180 pounds?”

“Very close. 174 actually.”

“What? I weigh 124.”

“So, I’m fifty pounds heavier, makes sense.” Loki laughed.

“Not really, seeing as you’re… how tall are you?”

“6’2. Shall I give you all my statistics here?”

Livvy’s brow furrowed. “So you’re… ten inches taller than me. And hey, no, I just find it fascinating, okay?”

“You’re 5’4”, then?”

“Mmhmm.” She paused, thinking rapidly. “So you’re just under two and a half pounds per inch tall, and I’m just under 2 pounds per inch. That’s interesting.”

“Why are you doing this?” Loki asked, chuckling. “It’s neither here nor there.”

“You make me feel out-of-shape, so I’m trying to fight that with the power of math,” Livvy responded. Despite her jesting tone, her words seemed serious, as she reached out and ran her fingers along the muscles in his arms appreciatively.

Loki bit his lip and suddenly grabbed her shoulders and slid her to the wall in front of him. She looked up at him, her eyes widening, and he caught a quick flash of a mix of annoyance, arousal, and fear in them. He opened his mouth slightly, suddenly feeling out of breath as his gaze traced a line from her throat down to her chest. “Darling,” her paused. “Have you seen how flat-chested girls who work out too much look?” He traced his finger along the center of her chest and he felt a shiver go through her body, and she bit her lip.

“I’m not exactly—”

He stopped her mid-sentence with a light kiss, which she quickly returned. He reached up to card his fingers through her hair, deepening the kiss before they both broke off, panting. “Darling. You’re perfect the way you are.” He kissed her on the forehead. “Livvy, can we make this official? Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

“I would love to.” Loki suddenly found hands in his hair, pulling him down into another kiss. He gladly obliged.

“Hey, you two, no making out on the ice.” Loki swing around quickly, looking across the boards. The man who had spoken looked to be the weekend janitor.

“Right. Er, sorry. Didn’t mean to—”

“Yeah yeah. Get outta here; the rink closes in fifteen minutes.”

Loki glanced around him, noticing that the two girls who had been practicing in the corner were gone. “It’s already 4:45? Shoot. Alright, we’re leaving.”

Loki skated quickly toward the exit, glancing over his shoulder to see Livvy following. The janitor simply grunted and walked on. Once he left the room, the two burst out laughing.

“I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life,” Livvy gasped, her face bright red.

“I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t apologize… that was great.”

Loki chuckled. “Yes. Yes it was.” He leaned over to unlace his skates. “Where to from here, darling?” He paused. “Do you still object to that nickname?”

“I never honestly did,” Livvy replied, blushing. “Although it does things to me that it shouldn’t.”

“You do things to me too, darling.” He leaned over to kiss her temple as she untied her laces. “So, where to from here?”

“Um, what?” Livvy looked up. “Loki, I—I’m not comfortable with doing—anything before marriage, you know?”

Loki laughed, looking surprised as he blushed. “I mean—do you want to get dinner or something? I’m not sure I can swing another restaurant night but we can go to the supermarket and get something.”

“Oh my goodness, sorry.”

He burst into another peal of laughter at the embarrassed look on her face. “I’m actually of the same opinion, for what it’s worth. But you didn’t need to bring it up now.”

“I know. Stop.” She pulled off a skate and hit Loki with the leather part of it. “Yes, I’m happy to get dinner. And then go back to your place after we get the food?”

“Mm, sorry. Yes. I’ll let Thor know—I think Jane was planning on heading over there tonight anyway. He’ll be happy if we supply the food. Maybe something simple like a roast chicken and some baked potatoes and vegetables?”

“That sounds good.”

Loki smiled as he stood up. “I’m so glad today has gone well. I wasn’t sure what to expect.”

“What did you think? That I wouldn’t want you because you’ve been depressed before?”

“Maybe. Some people wouldn’t. There’s no guarantee that I won’t ever go back to that.”

“I know,” Livvy said. “But I’m willing to deal with that. I like to feel useful anyway.”

Loki smiled, taking her discarded skates and walling to the locker room. “Thank you, Livvy.”

***  
Loki settled on the couch, now wearing a pair of leather pants and a plain white t shirt instead of his skating outfit. He could hear Jane and Thor talking in the kitchen, where they were trying to make a cake together. Loki and Livvy had slipped away to the lounge. Loki was idly reading a book, and Livvy was leaned on his shoulder, not-so-subtly reading along with him. Fenrir, Loki’s husky, lay at his owner’s feet contentedly. Livvy had taken a liking to the dog, who had calmly greeted her at the door, his tail wagging, when she had arrived. She had commented about how well-behaved the husky was, and Loki had felt a surge of pride in that.

“What kind of book is this?” Livvy asked suddenly.

“Well, in my defense, you are starting right in the middle.”

“Seriously though. This guy is being such a stalker.”

“That’s kind of the point.”

“It’s slightly terrifying.”

“Again, that’s the point. It’s a bit of a mystery horror novel. Don’t judge me.”

“I’m not. In fact, I’m almost enjoying this.”

Loki smiled, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. “I’m exhausted from all the emotions today.”

Livvy nodded. “I am too.” Loki gave her a kiss, and she shifted somewhat awkwardly. “Since we’re telling all today… um… could I ask you something?”

Loki didn’t open his eyes. “Of course. Ask me anything.” He made a waving gesture with his hand.

“It’s… kind of personal.” Her voice had dropped in pitch considerably, and she sounded a little stiff.

Loki opened his eyes, sensing that this was something a little more than a trivial question. “What is it, darling? I’m listening.” He sat up a little straighter and closed the book, following her example and speaking quietly.

“Um. This is awkward. I guess I kind of know what the answer will be, giving your past, but...”

Loki ran his fingers through his curls, his imagination running amok. “Just ask, Livvy. I’ll answer whatever questions you’ve got about my past. I want to be an open book for you.”

“Have you… Are you a virgin?” She spoke in a tiny whisper, a blush coming over her features.

Loki took in a sharp breath, suddenly wide awake. Why hadn’t he expected that question? It was logical for her to want to know. “Oh. Um. Well.” He shifted in his chair awkwardly. “Does—does it matter?”

“You said you’d answer anything, Loki. I’d just like to know. I mean, have you ever been in love with someone?”

“No, I’ve never been in love before.”

“So that’s a yes, you are then?”

“No. Well—not exactly.” He scrunched his eyes shut at the slight disappointment on Livvy’s face.

“Loki, it’s either a yes or a no. There’s no in between.”

“Look, I can explain—”

“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to.”

“No no no no. I do have to explain. I want to, or otherwise it’s weird.” He set a hand on Livvy’s arm, and she recoiled slightly, causing him to quickly withdraw it. “Please, Livvy, hear me out.”

She glanced at him hopefully. “Okay.”

“When I first joined the gang, they expected me to prove my loyalty to them somehow. The first opportunity I got came when we were trying to stage a vandalism of City Hall. There was a female guard there, and the other gangsters told me that it was up to me to sway her to our side and let us in, or at least distract her while they did what they did. I wasn’t sure how to go about that, short of threatening her with a knife, but I decided to go talk to her the day before. She, um, clearly thought I was good looking, despite the fact that I loathed my appearance at the time, and made no pretenses as to the fact that she… wanted me. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go this route, but I mentioned it to the guys and they all encouraged me, telling me that if I didn’t take this opportunity, I would either have to hurt her or I’d be punished and kicked out of the gang. You understand, at this point, they were all the family I had. I felt like going back to my family would be a death sentence, and let’s just say I didn’t want their punishment… it was bad. I’m not going to get into it, but they rather enjoyed torturing us to bend us to their will. Anyway--so I went back to her and made her an offer. She’d give us the key in if I gave her what she wanted. Turned out she was leaving the job anyway and so wasn’t too afraid of getting in trouble, although she refused to budge without, er, my incentive.”

“So, you were basically forced into it?”

“No! I mean… well. I don’t really see it that way but… I guess I sort of was… coerced into agreeing to it by the other guys. You really don’t want to make a gangster angry.”

“That’s what I mean. Sounds forced to me.”

Loki sighed, rubbing his chin. “Well, on her side at least, it was all consensual, so you don’t have to worry about that. I spent the entire time pretending to be more experienced than I was, which was somewhat awkward. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was the virgin of the gang. Luckily it seemed to go okay, and the guys got into the bank and I got to stay in the gang with them.”

“So… you didn’t enjoy it.”

“Absolutely not. I was doing it to climb my way to the top, but I really wasn’t at all attracted to the woman and the whole affair was awkward for me, really.”

Livvy nodded. “That’s a bit reassuring, at least.”

“Does it bother you that I… that I did that?”

“Maybe a little. I’m not sure I like the idea of you being more experienced than I am.”

“So you are a virgin?”

“Yes, absolutely.”

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I’ve never taken anyone else’s virginity.” Livvy offered him an awkward half-smile, and there was a moment of silence. “You alright?”

“Just need a second to figure out how I feel about everything. Not just this—I mean, it’s really all sinking in now.”

Loki sighed, stretching his arms in front of him before bending down and scratching Fenrir on the head. “If I could have a do-over, there’s a whole lot I would change about my life.”

“I know. And I can’t blame you for what you did in the past. I just need to make sure I can have peace with it now, so that I don’t wind up doing just that later.”

“Look, the whole virginity thing—it only matters for one night. And even then… I mean. There’s no… evidence either way. It’s not quite the same for men.”

Livvy held up a hand. “Yes, yes, I know. I know how that all works, Loki.”

“I don’t want to lose what we have because of my past, Livvy. I understand if you can’t overlook it, but if you can, I’ll do my best to make it up to you. I promise you that.”

“This conversation seems serious,” Thor’s voice boomed out as he walked into the kitchen. Flour covered his shirt, and Loki chuckled weakly before untangling his fingers from Fenrir’s grey and white fur and leaning back on the couch.

Livvy surprised Loki by grabbing his arm and wrapping her own arms around it. “We’re fine.”

Loki smiled, turning his head and looking at her fondly. “That’s good to hear, darling.”

Thor stood in the room with a confused and almost concerned look on his face. “Well. Livvy, Jane wants your help in the kitchen. I did something wrong with the cake and she kicked me out.”

Livvy laughed, removing her arms from Loki’s and standing up. As she left the room, Thor sat in the spot on the couch she had vacated. “What’s going on with you two, brother?”

“Nothing. We’re fine.”

“So you told her about your past?”

“Mm. We went up to the bridge before skating and I told her everything.”

“And she was okay with it all?”

“Surprisingly, it didn’t seem to bother her much at all.”

“Then what were you discussing now?”

Loki winced. “That’s none of your business.”

“I mean, I’ve spoken to Jane about things before, so I might have some advice on the subject.”

Loki rolled his eyes. “Why do you care?”

“I’m fascinated.”

“Terrible reason. Why would I tell you if that’s all the reason you’ve given?”

“Well, for one thing, I won’t stop pestering you until you tell me.”

“You’re insufferable. She asked after my virginity, alright? You happy now?”

“Well, why would that be an issue? You are—” He paused, his eyes widening as he caught Loki’s guilty expression. “Hold on, you’re not?”

“Thor, I spent a year away from you, living with a handful of gang members. I’m just grateful it only happened once.”

“This is really a story I should know.”

“No, it really isn’t, and I’m not explaining it again.” He stood up quickly, heading to the kitchen. “I’m going to go supervise this cake baking.”

“Ooh, I don’t know if I’ve ever succeeded in embarrassing you before, brother. This is more fun than I thought it would be.”

“Shut. Up.” He reached the kitchen and stood leaning against the granite countertop of the island, watching the two girls place a cake tin into the oven. Thor followed Loki, standing next to him and still laughing. Loki elbowed him hard in the ribs.

“Loki! That’s the second time you’ve punched me today.”

Jane glanced over, looking amused. “What’s he done now?” She addressed the question to Loki.

“He’s the one hitting me! I’m sure I’ve got a bruise from this morning,” Thor whined.

“I thought I saw him punch you at the service group,” Livvy said, leaning against the other side of the island and narrowing her eyes.

“Seriously, he did?” Jane started laughing. “At the service group!”

Loki scowled. “If you’re all just going to laugh at me—” The expression didn’t last very long though, as he started chuckling along with them. “I suppose that was a bit of a bad place to do that, wasn’t it?”

“You’re lucky Steve didn’t catch you,” Thor said. “On second thought, I should have reported you.”

“And admitted that a small guy like me managed to bruise a big guy like you?”

“Hey, you do know how to throw a punch,” Thor chuckled.

“That I do,” Loki said with a wink.

“Seems you know all sorts of things, some I don’t even know about.”

“Thor.” Loki shot his brother a warning glance. “So, how’s the cake? Did my brother manage to ruin that, too?”

Thor raised his hands in the air in defeat. “It’s not my fault, I haven’t the experience--”

“You are playing an incredibly dangerous game right now.”

“What are you even talking about?” Jane interjected, stepping between the brothers. “Thor, stop teasing him, for goodness sake.”

The blonde man laughed, finally releasing Loki from his teasing and looking into the oven. “Wow, this cake is rising strangely.”

Livvy glanced at it. “Oh, that’s apparently a normal cake thing.” She walked over to Loki. “What in the world did you just tell him?” she hissed suspiciously.

“More than I should have, apparently,” Loki said with a laugh. “We’ll probably end up punishing each other at the gym over it tomorrow.”

“You go to the gym, too? I thought that was Thor’s thing.”

“I do occasionally go on Sundays. I hate it, but I need to do some leg strength exercises and balance myself out from skating. Otherwise I’ll end up with one strong leg and one weak leg--we’re pretty one-side dominant in skating, so yeah. Off the ice jumping is important, and bench pressing and whatnot.”

“Ah.”

Fenrir trotted up to Loki, and he absentmindedly patted his head. “So, I guess tomorrow I’ll just see you at the meeting. What are we doing this week?”

Livvy shrugged. “I’m not sure. It’s rather busy for me actually, but we can do something next weekend.”

“Sounds like a plan. We should get more skating done on Saturdays than we did today--we wasted a lot of ice time on the bridge.” He winced slightly at the words.

“I’m happy to do that. We can go straight from service next time and head over there, if you’d like. I can bring tuna sandwiches.”

“Ooh, that sounds good. Wait—weren’t we going dress shopping next Saturday?”

“Right! Yes, let’s do that. We can move the tuna sandwich day to the week after that.”

“Sounds like a plan.” He paused before starting to laugh.

“What?”

“You just called it a tuna sandwich day.”

Livvy joined him in his laughter, realizing how ridiculous that sounded. Glancing over at the oven, Loki noticed that Thor and Jane had disappeared to the lounge. He leaned over slightly to see them talking quietly together on the couch. He looked at them for a minute, thinking about what a good couple they made and remembering how jealous he had been when Thor had first met the girl. Livvy’s voice interrupted his thoughts, and he turned his head back to her with a grateful smile.

“Loki, can I come watch you practice sometime?”

“Why would you want to do that, darling? My practices aren’t particularly elegant—I mean, I’m always improving, but I’m always trying harder moves and it’s quite often not only my blades on the ice.”

Livvy chuckled, scratching at her hand. “I just—I like seeing you on the ice. Even if you fall, it’s just nice to see you out there. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, really.”

“Well, unfortunately for you, I’m almost finished with practice by the time you get out of work.”

“I guess so.” Livvy looked a little disappointed, and Loki put a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, I’m not saying no. If you ever get the chance, just give me a call or something.” Livvy brightened, and Loki leaned in to kiss her forehead just as the oven beeped. Thor stood up quickly from the couch, turning to look at the oven. Loki could tell from his brother’s expression that he had noticed the kiss, and gave him a smug smile before turning back to the redhead girl with the pixie cut. “If you’ll stick with me, Olivia, I’ll give you whatever you need.”

“You know what, Loki? I’d say the same applies to me.” She stood up quickly on her tiptoes to give him a quick peck on the lips. Loki’s green eyes widened in surprise. “Now, let's take that cake out of the oven, shall we?”


	5. Texts and Threats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of everything in this chapter... we finally meet Rico, Loki has a panic attack or two, and goes skating. It's warming up, getting interesting. I love this chapter. I'm sorry it's so long.

Black hair tumbled across Loki’s eyes as he stretched his body into a plank position. Fenrir sat next to him, occasionally thumping his tail on the floor whenever his owner turned his head to look at him. “Fen, calm down. We’ll be able to go on that walk soon enough.”

At the word ‘walk’, Fenrir jumped up, all renewed energy and vigor. Loki groaned as he realized his mistake. “Stay, Fen. You can wait. Sit.”

The dog obediently sat, although Loki noticed his whole body vibrating impatiently. _Well, sorry Fenrir, but I’m not cutting this yoga session short._ He turned his body to perform a sideways plank, his slim body held up by his left arm and leg, his other limbs stretched upwards.

He was just finishing up his yoga with a trikonasana pose when he heard his phone’s text tone. Too excited to stand it anymore, Fenrir let out a frustrated bark.

“Shush, boy. Uncle Thor is probably still sleeping.” He would never let on to anyone how he babied his dog, but if you asked him, Fenrir deserved it. He was just so well-behaved. Loki remembered how patiently he had trained him as a child and smiled, straightening up and ruffling the dog’s fur before walking over to his phone.

_Cute photo of my cats._ It was from Livvy. Loki waited a second before an image of two cats, almost identical except that one was black and white and one was grey and white, cane up on his screen. They were hugging each other, all in a tangle of limbs and fur, looking unbelievably soft and snuggly. Loki chuckled.

_I want to do that with you right now,_ He shot back cheekily. _Instead, I’m about to eat breakfast and then I have to run this dog of mine before he explodes._

_Ooh, send me a photo of Fen!_

Loki smiled and held up his phone, aiming it at the husky. “Fenrir, look here!” The dog opened his mouth, cocking his head and panting slightly. Loki snapped the photo. “Adorable.” He sent it off and walked into the kitchen, still wearing his yoga pants and a green T-shirt.

Loki’s phone pinged with another text. _Aww, he sure knows how to pose for a photo, doesn’t he?_

_Sure does._ He grabbed a box of Cheerios from the top of the refrigerator and poured it into a bowl he took out of the cabinet. _You’re up early, he added as he grabbed the milk out of the fridge._

_Yeah, I woke up weirdly early this morning,_ came the reply. _Now I’ve got an hour to kill._

_I’ve already been up for an hour doing yoga._

_You’re nuts._

Loki smiled. _Probably._ He finished pouring the milk into his cereal and scooped up a spoonful.

_So, what are you having for breakfast?_ Livvy asked.

_Cheerios._ Loki shoveled another spoonful into his mouth as Livvy responded almost immediately.

_What? I would have thought you’d be the type to eat eggs every morning or something._

_Doing cardio on an egg-filled stomach is an awful idea,_ Loki replied with a frown. _I’m going for a run after this, remember? I need something light. Hence, cereal._

_Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Don’t want you throwing up in the park._

Loki snorted. _Definitely not. Been there, done that._

_I did not need to know that. Anyway… I like cereal too, so you’re alright. In fact, I almost prefer it over eggs._

_Well, then we’re all good._ He paused for a second, not wanting the conversation to end but also not sure what to say next. _How’s work? I’m actually taking off work tomorrow to practice._ It was a Thursday.

_Nice. Work’s been fine. Still drawing floor plans for a subdivision. Kind of want one of the houses I’m designing. Wouldn’t it be cool to live in a house I set up the floor plan for?_

Loki laughed. _Yes, it would, actually. Just be sure you get my input on it before you turn it in, then! ;)_

_Ooh, getting ahead of yourself there, aren’t you?_

_Hehe. Sorry Olivia. I’ve got to run now—quite literally. Fenrir will probably bite my hand off right now if I don’t. I’ve only got an hour and a half until I need to go to work, so I need to dash._

_Alright, that’s okay. I’ll just draw something quickly before I head out to work._

_Be sure to show me what you draw, okay darling?_

_I’ll consider it. Bye Lokes._

Loki smiled, placing his bowl in the dishwasher before heading to his room to put on some shorts instead of the yoga pants. It was autumn now, but the temperature was still quite warm, hovering at around 60 degrees. Loki wondered if there would be one last heat wave before the cold set in—Thor had mentioned that the meteorologists were indicating something of the sort. He had hoped that they would be able to use the pool in their apartment complex one last time before winter, and Loki found himself agreeing with his brother.

Smiling, Loki grabbed Fenrir’s leash and a harness. The dog stood obediently, wagging his tail as Loki slipped his legs into the harness. His leash clipped on with a snap, and Loki stepped out the door into the early morning sunshine. He checked his watch—it was 6:45. Right on schedule. He only needed to be at work by 8:00, which left him enough time to run for half an hour, take a quick shower, and dash off.

Stepping outside, Loki began to jog on the sidewalk, heading toward the river on his usual route. He pulled out his phone and put on his earphones, turning to the song Carnivore by Starset. He had always wanted to skate to this song, and idly wondered if he could make a routine for it. The song was nearing its end when Loki felt a sudden weight on his left shoulder. He swung around, pulling out his earphones as a familiar face greeted him.

“Hello, Silvertongue. I was wondering if you ever came back this way.” Loki stared at the man, his eyes tracing along the purple snake tattooed on his face. He was a short, burly man, meaning that Loki stood several inches over him, yet he would still be difficult to beat in a fight. Loki knew firsthand that the man knew how to hold his own.

“Rico.” Loki choked out the name. “I thought I’d never see you again.”

“Wrong answer,” the man sneered. “You _hoped_ you would never see me again.” He began to circle around the taller man. “I hardly recognized you. You look so fit and your hair has changed so much.” His manner was almost conversational now, but Loki’s eyebrows remained furrowed. He knew better than to fall for it.

“What do you want?”

The man’s expression twisted into one of rage. “I want to know how you could’ve just left us like that. We were a family.”

Loki forced out a chuckle, successfully making it appear genuine—he wasn’t called Silvertongue for nothing. “Well then, a very dysfunctional one, I’d say.”

“Don’t you get smart with me.”

“Look, Rico. I was caught by the police and only my father’s money prevented me from being thrown into prison. As is, I was basically on house arrest. You should be grateful I didn’t pull one of you into it.”

“You would never. Have you forgotten how I saved your life?”

Loki’s eyes darkened. “You and I both know that I never wanted you to.”

“Well, you should be grateful. You don’t seem to hate your life now.” He grabbed Loki’s arm, and suddenly Fenrir, whose hackles had been silently raising, leapt forward with a growl and a snap of his teeth. Rico quickly withdrew. “Call your stupid dog off.”

“He’s an excellent judge of character,” Loki snarled in response.

Rico shifted, subtly letting his leather jacket flap open slightly, revealing a glint of metal. “I warned you, Silvertongue. I warned you that if you double-crossed us, you would face something worse than death.”

A shiver went down Loki’s spine, but he was careful not to show it. He was quite aware of how quickly this standoff could turn ugly. A sudden idea came to him, and he closed his eyes for a minute, taking a deep breath and saying a quick prayer. “Rico, I’ve changed. I’m a much more peaceful person now. I’ve joined a community improvement club and am working for good now.”

The man’s face shifted, from one of anger to disbelief. Good, that’s something. “Well, then you’re an idiot. You’re being brainwashed.”

Loki resisted the urge to frown, instead smiling disarmingly. “Actually, I’ve felt better than I have in a long time. It’s been good.”

“Who are you, Loki? Who have you become? I can hardly believe you’re the same man I knew just a year and a half ago.”

“What can I say? Coming home has changed my life.”

Rico pressed his lips into a thin line, looking Loki up and down. “You’ve gone back to your stupid figure skating, haven’t you?”

“I have.”

Rico took another step toward Loki, but was halted by a low growl from Fenrir. The taller man grabbed the husky by his collar, holding him back. Attacking Rico would be a very bad idea for both Loki and the dog.

Still trying to control his dog, Loki almost didn’t notice the sharp glint of metal flashing through the air toward him. He dove out of the way quickly, the knife still catching his left arm with a relatively deep scratch. Blood seeped from the wound, and Loki gasped at Rico as Fenrir lunged forward again. It took everything in Loki to hold Fenrir back with his right arm as fear and pain combined to create white-hot anger.

“Ohhh, there’s that familiar look in your eyes,” Rico taunted.

Loki bit his cheek sharply, trying to control himself. “Why—it’s broad daylight. You can’t—”

“I believe one of your favorite expressions was, ‘I do what I want’. This is just a little warning, and a reminder of who you are. Bye now. This isn’t over.” With that, the man ducked into a back alley, disappearing in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly Loki felt himself shaking, and crouched onto the ground, throwing his arms gratefully around Fenrir, who was licking his owner’s face in concern. Loki kept shaking, a feeling of panic and relief washing through him too quickly to comprehend. Blood sank into Fenrir’s fur and dripped onto the concrete.

“Loki?!” A sudden familiar voice cried out his name, and Loki glanced up for a second, trying and failing to pull himself together even slightly as Bruce knelt next to him.

“Bruce—what are—”

“Loki, deep breaths. I’m a Doctor, remember? I can help you.”

“Did someone—”

“I was just going for a walk before I found you. Are you on drugs?” Loki shook his head frantically. “Panic attack, then?”

Loki paused before nodding tightly. “Of—of a sort.”

“Alright Loki, I want you to close your eyes and picture something calm.” His voice was gentle and soft. Loki followed his instructions, imagining a large frozen pond, and skating along it with Livvy, the rest of the congregation spread out around them, skating along to Vivaldi’s Winter. His uncontrollable shaking began to lessen somewhat.

“Good, good. Could you take off your shirt for me?”

Loki’s eyes sprang open. “What?”

“Shh. I just want to wrap up your arm.”

Loki nodded stiffly. Right. That makes sense. He dropped Fenrir’s leash, knowing that the dog wouldn’t run off while he was in this state, and flung his now stained white T-shirt over his right arm before carefully easing it off his left. He began to wrap it around his arm clumsily, but Bruce took it from him. “I can do it. You need to focus on staying calm.”

Loki closed his eyes again, taking deep breaths—they were coming easier to him now. “Bruce?”

“What do you need, Loki?”

“Can you call Thor? I need to—need to talk to him.”

Bruce finished his makeshift bandaging work as Loki shoved his phone toward him, obviously not feeling steady enough to find Thor’s contact himself. The tanned man nodded, his dark hair shining silver in the sunlight. He took the phone and quickly dialed Thor, turning the phone onto loudspeaker so that Loki wouldn’t have to worry about holding onto it.

“Hello, Loki?” Thor’s voice was calm and sleepy, and Loki imagined that he had only recently gotten up and was making coffee. “Aren’t you still on your run?”

“Hello, Thor.” Despite the deep breaths, his voice still shook, and Thor immediately noticed.

“Loki? Are you alright? You sound—”

“Rico found me.” The words came in almost a whisper, and there was a beat of silence before Loki heard the sound of keys rattling.

“I’ll get your location and be right there. Did he hurt you? Are you alright?”

Loki looked over at Bruce, his eyes suddenly asking him to take over. The vulnerability of the situation was getting to him, although finally the shaking had subsided, leaving him feeling exhausted and slightly dizzy. A flash of nausea overcame him and he leaned forward quickly, vomiting on the curb. Bruce looked at him in concern, and Loki shakily told him he was okay. Bruce took the phone, turning loudspeaker off and holding it to his ear. “Hey, this is Bruce. I was going for a walk and I found him here on the sidewalk…. He’s fine, except for a quite a large cut on his left arm. He just threw up but that would be due to the shock.... Yeah, I think it’ll need a couple stitches…. Police?... Oh. Right. Okay…. You’ll be here soon? Good. Hurry…. he’s calmed down a lot but looks rather pale…. yes, we’re alright. Thank you. See you in a minute.” He turned off the phone and looked back at Loki. “Your brother will be here soon.”

Loki nodded weakly, sitting back on his heels and hugging Fenrir again. “I’m sorry. I haven’t seen him in so long—I didn’t expect to react this badly.”

“What exactly happened?” The older man asked, setting a comforting hand on Loki’s shoulder. He had calmed down to the point that Bruce could see no reason not to ask.

“The leader of the gang I was part of found me. I’ve always hoped he wouldn’t find me--he threatened me with ruin when I was caught if I ever double-crossed him.”

“And you did?”

“Not really. I don’t exactly understand it.” Loki ran a hand through his hair and winced. “I suppose I have to now--talk about him, that is--if Thor wants me to talk to the police.”

“He hurt you. It makes sense to tell them.”

“I know, and I will.” He took a deep breath. “Honestly, Bruce--he’s not a good guy and if it wasn’t for Fenrir…” he paused and looked down at his dog for a minute before looking back at Bruce with shining eyes. “We were like a family once,” he said softly. “But that means nothing to him.”

“That must have been scary to see him again, then.”

“In the moment, I was fine, but once he left--I just couldn’t help imagining what could have happened. And he’s not done yet.”

“How did he know where to find you?”

“I always run around the same circuit these days. This bridge here--I reckon he guessed I might come back. I’m an idiot to not have seen that.”

“You’re not an idiot. And the police will find him.”

Loki let out a bitter laugh. “If they do, it’ll only be because I’ve led them to him.”

***

Thor arrived very quickly, and to Loki it was all a blur of heading to urgent care to get his arm fixed up--Loki found he couldn’t quite recall that and wondered if he had had another panic attack--and then to the police station to give a statement. He had called in to work, briefly explaining the situation--that he had been attacked by a gangster while he was out walking, and was at a police station giving a statement and wouldn’t be able to come in to work--and now he was leaning back in a chair at the police station as the last of the papers were filed. Thor was seated next to Loki, ignoring his brother’s halfhearted protests telling him to go to work. Bruce had stayed at the urgent care, where he worked.

He looked at the policeman who was stacking his notes together. “Do you think you’ll find him?”

“We’ve got all confidence of doing so,” he replied with a smile.

“He’s a slippery snake,” Loki warned, raising an eyebrow. He fiddled with the tight bandage over his arm, the blanket he had been given slipping off his shoulders slightly. Regretfully, neither Loki nor Bruce had thought to ask Thor to bring him a new shirt, so here he was, sitting shirtless in a police office. “He’ll come back for me, though.”

“Does he know any of your family members?” the policeman asked.

Loki winced. “I hope not. I know that he knows that Thor exists, but last he heard, I don’t get along with him at all, so I’m sure he won’t think it’s worth his while to target Thor to get to me. Same with my parents.” He paused. “He doesn’t know about my girlfriend, and I intend for it to stay that way.”

The policeman nodded. “I’d avoid going anywhere alone, if I were you.” He handed Loki his phone back--they had taken it to look through some old photos of Rico that Loki had on it. “I put the police into your contacts, so if you see him anywhere, at any time, just give us a ring. Of course, if it’s serious, feel free to dial 911.”

“I will.” Loki nodded. “Thank you.”

The chime on the door of the station dinged. Loki, sitting on the chair with his back to the door, didn’t bother to turn around until he noticed that Thor was standing up and greeting the person. “Thor, I told you not to call anyone,” he groaned as he stood up, dropping his blanket and turning around. A familiar shock of red hair greeted him, and he shook his head. “No no no no, you should not be here right now. Thor!”

Livvy answered his protests. “Hey, come on, Loki. He told me not to come, but I just had to. I also thought maybe I could take Fenrir over to my place.”

Loki sighed, admitting to himself that that made sense. At the moment, the husky was locked up in a kennel with the police dogs, a situation Loki wasn’t too happy about. He ran his hand through his hair, wincing as he moved his injured arm. “I’m afraid he might need a bath.” Sighing, he turned back to look at her and gave up. “It’s good to see you, Olivia.” She responded by coming up and giving him a hug, leaning her forehead against his bare shoulder. “Sorry about the shirt situation.”

She flashed him a small smile. “I can’t say I really mind.” Her hands moved to touch the white bandage on his arm. “What happened?”

“He didn’t tell you?” Loki glanced quickly at Thor, who shook his head.

“Thought it would be better if she heard it from you.”

“I honestly do not have the energy or the willpower to explain this again,” Loki sighed, dropping into his chair again and pulling the blanket around himself. Livvy sat down next to him and placed a hand on his arm.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me now.”  
Loki shook his head. “I’d rather you knew. Just give me a second.” He leaned his head back on the chair and took a deep breath. “I told you about the whole gang thing, and the man with the purple snake tattoo, yes?”

“Right, yeah.”

“Well, I’ve always hoped he wouldn’t come back, but he has found me and made it his personal goal to torture me over the fact that I apparently abandoned the gang. I think he has some twisted idea that I told the police about him. I have now, of course. He threatened me with this cut, telling me that this was a warning, it’s not over yet. Fenrir protected me admirably, but it was still a scary situation.”

“It sounds terrifying. What did you say?”

“I told him that I was changed now and wasn’t interested in violence. He gave the impression that he thought I had gone soft and wasn’t happy about it.” He turned suddenly to look at Livvy. “I don’t want you to get hurt. If he knows you exist, he’ll come after you, I guarantee it. In fact…” he paused, looking away with darkened eyes. “Maybe you should stop seeing me.”

Livvy reached out and grabbed his hand. “I won’t do that, Loki. I’m willing to deal with whatever happens, but I’m not willing to throw you away because of your past. I made peace with that last week.”

“But back then, you didn’t know that you could be in danger. This isn’t a nice man we’re talking about. I had a panic attack after he left just imagining how differently it could have gone. He wouldn’t hesitate to kill me, and he won’t hesitate to hurt you to get at me. I don’t think he would kill you, but…” he trailed off, squeezing the bridge of his nose anxiously. “I don’t want to think about it. But I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“You’re not going to push me away, Loki. I love you.”

He looked up, his head clearing slightly at the words. His vision suddenly got blurred slightly with tears, and he blinked quickly. “Thank you, Livvy. I… I love you too.” He squeezed her hand, which he realized she was still holding, and leaned his head back again, closing his eyes as fatigue overtook him.

***

Loki woke up on his own couch, blinking at the sunlight streaming through the windows. He lifted his body up with his arms, grunting slightly as his left arm began to throb. He saw Thor in the kitchen, stirring something on the stove. “Brother?”

“Loki! You’re awake.”

“What time is it?”

Thor checked his watch. “12:30.”

“That early?” Loki flopped back down onto the couch. “How did I get here?”

“You passed out at the police station so I carried you out and brought you home. Livvy took Fenrir over to her place to give him a bath and run around her yard.”

Loki grimaced. “You actually carried me?” Thor shot his brother an amused look and nodded. “And, you know that Livvy has a slight case of haemophobia? The girl who is now washing my blood off of my dog?”

Thor laughed. “She said it would be okay.”

Loki smiled. “Well, I’m grateful for it, anyway. You know, Fenrir didn’t like Rico at all.”

“Who would?”

“He did save my life once,” Loki said with a sigh. “As he reminded me today.” He pushed himself into a sitting position and walked to the kitchen. “Why do I feel so exhausted?”

“Well, you have had quite a shock. I’m making some chicken soup for you.”

“I’m not sick, I don’t need chicken soup.” Despite his words, Loki took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the warm broth. “Never mind, thank you. This smells perfect. Since when could you make chicken soup?”

Thor blushed slightly. “Um, actually, Jane dropped it off.”

Loki raised an eyebrow. “Can you stop making other people baby me? I’m fine. I just had a bit of a scare.”

“I actually didn’t call anyone besides Olivia,” Thor said with a chuckle. “It seems that Bruce told the group leaders what happened, and the news just spread from there. I’ve had a number of phone calls asking after you.”

Loki’s eyebrows knit together, and he sat down at a stool by the island. “Wow.” The idea that people cared so much about him surprised him. “That’s… wow.”

“It’s what comes with being in a group of people who all support you, Loki.” Thor gave him a gentle smile, ladling some of the soup into a bowl and placing it in front of Loki. He handed him a spoon before getting a portion for himself.

“This is so good,” Loki said, closing his eyes as he took a spoonful. The warmth of the soup spread through his body, calming him and providing him with some much-needed energy. “I didn’t realize how hungry I was until now. Tell Jane she makes an excellent soup.”

Thor laughed. “I’m not used to you being so nice.”

“Should I be nastier? Don’t tempt me.” Loki winked, and Thor chuckled and shook his head.

Loki finished off his bowl and stood up. “I think I’ll head to the rink early. No reason to stay here. I need some space to relax.”

“You’re still going to practice?”

“I feel like it would help.” Loki flexed his left arm, wincing slightly. “I’m feeling a lot better now but I’m still a little rattled and… yeah. I think being on the ice would be good for me.”

“You don’t want to make your arm injury worse though,” Thor pointed out.

“I’ll ask Coach to go easy on me, if it makes you feel better. If I feel like anything is exacerbating the injury, I’ll pull out, okay?”

Thor nodded. “Thanks, Loki. I don’t think you should drive there though, or be there alone. You said that Rico knows you skate again now, so he could easily find you there.”

Loki stood in the doorway to the hallway, thinking about that. “Did Livvy take the day off today?”

“Yes, I believe she did.”

“Could I ask her to come with me? I know that she probably wouldn’t be much help if he showed up, but I think he would avoid showing himself to witnesses. He probably feels a little safer now because it’s only my word saying that he showed up. Somehow he caught me during a very quiet moment this morning.”

“Planned, no doubt.”

Loki frowned. “I wonder what his original plan was.”

“Thank goodness for Fenrir.”

“You can say that again. I’ll pick up a steak on my way home. He deserves it.”

Thor nodded. “Definitely. Um--I’d really rather she drive you.”

Loki had begun walking toward his room, but now he paused and turned around slightly. “Do I seem that bad?” he asked softly.

Thor winced and hesitated before replying. “I think… you look a little pale still, and I mean--you’ve been through a lot this morning and you’re still not quite acting like yourself. I think you’re just a little unsettled.”

“I--I think you may be right.” He leaned against the wall, visibly sagging slightly. “I never thought it would affect me like this.” Thor walked over to him, putting a comforting hand on Loki’s shoulder. “It’s just like, as soon as I thought I was finished with that chapter in my life, he comes back, and all those old emotions rush back to me. When he cut me, my first instinct was to reach for my own knife and fight back. It was so hard to stop that emotion.” Loki paused, eyeing Thor nervously. “I’ve never told you this before, but…”

“What is it?”

“That was one of the ways he used to teach us to fight. He’d come at us at the most random times of the day and stab us with something, and we’d have to be quick and agile to fight back at all times. It became reflexive, but… yeah, it did hurt. He hurt us in other ways too, just to teach us to fear him and accept pain. You’ve witnessed my nightmares… they’re from that.” He looked at his chest, realizing that he was still shirtless. “I’m surprised you’ve never asked about the scars.”

Thor ran his fingers the small scars that littered Loki’s arm. “I figured they were caused by minor fights. Well, I thought there were a few too many for that, but--” he paused. “Um. I kind of thought you had--”

Loki’s eyes widened. “You thought I cut myself?”

“Well, you did jump off a bridge. It was natural to--”

Loki chuckled slightly, looking at the floor and biting his lip. “Come here.” He walked into his room, grabbing a pair of black skating pants before removing his running shorts and tossing them aside. He pointed out some scars along his thigh. “You’re not wrong. Some of the scars on my arms are from that, and these scars here are my doing. They’re from long before I met Rico though.”

“Wait, before then?”

Loki chuckled humorlessly. “I didn’t just one day decide that my life wasn’t worth living and jumped off a bridge. I was depressed for a long time before that.”

“I’m sorry, Loki. I know I was an awful brother before then. I should have noticed.”

“I mostly cut myself here so that no one would see them, Thor. And I know--you’ve done your best since then. I know that I haven’t been as good a brother to you as I should have been either.”

Thor chuckled. “Yeah, I suppose I wouldn’t have had a chance to see the scars--I haven’t seen you this naked since we were kids!”

Loki laughed weakly. “Shut up.” Standing up, he pulled on his pants and threw on a white t-shirt and hoodie with a skate club emblem on it. “Alright, I’m going to call my coach and Livvy now.”

Thor smiled. “I am dismissed,” he said dramatically. He paused in the doorframe and looked back at Loki. “Thanks for telling me all that. I’ve helped you through your nightmares and flashbacks before, but I was never sure where they were from.”

Loki pointed to the door. “Out.” He smiled as he pulled out his phone and dialed his coach’s number.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Coach, it’s Loki.”

“Hi Laufeyson. Are you alright?”

Loki paused. “What? How--”

“I mean, why are you calling me so early? Do you need to cancel practice?”

“Oh. No, actually I was wondering if I could come in early.”

“Aren’t you at work?”

“No, I… it’s been a bit of a weird day, and let’s just say I got a sudden day off.”

“You feeling alright?”

Loki set his jaw. “Yes, it’s not that. Just--I’m fine. Can I come early?”

The voice on the other side hesitated. “Sure, Laufeyson. I’ll see if I can get here sooner, but you can do stretches and free-skate beforehand.”

“Thank you.” Loki was about to put the phone down when he remembered something. “Oh, also, I got a bit of a gash in my arm this morning. I got a couple stitches but it’s still wrapped up. So could we be a little careful with it?”

Loki heard a sharp inhale on the other side. “Will it heal in time for the contest?”

“That’s still three weeks away. It should be fine by then.”

“You need to be more careful. We can’t afford injuries right now.”

“I know,” Loki said in a frustrated voice. “This wasn’t my fault.”

“I’ll see you later, Loki. I’ll try to get there around 2:00, if that’s alright with you.” It was currently 1:00, and Loki agreed and put the phone down.

“Well, I didn’t expect him to be very understanding,” Loki muttered to himself as he dialed Livvy’s number. She picked up on the second ring. “Hi, Livvy.”

“Loki! How’re you doing?”

“I’m okay. How did you fare with Fenrir?”

“He must be the only dog I’ve met who loves being bathed.”

Loki chuckled. “Not what I meant. I’m sorry for you having to wash--”

“Don’t remind me,” Olivia’s voice said, and Loki could imagine the disgusted look on her face. “How deep was that cut?”

“I’m not entirely sure, actually. It’s all kind of a blur. I had a couple stitches put in but most of it should heal naturally. Anyway, that’s not why I called you. Are you at home now?”

“Yeah, I went ahead and took the day off after I heard about what happened to you. I only finished washing Fenrir just before lunch.”

“What time did you leave the station?”

“Just after you.”

There was a beat of silence. “Um, and that was when?”

Livvy laughed. “Around 9:00.”

“I slept for three hours?” Loki whistled.

“Thor was so sweet.”

“Yeah, he told me,” Loki cut her off. “You are by no means allowed to speak of that ever again.” The sweet sound of Livvy’s laughter flowed through the phone, and Loki smiled. “I was wondering if you could pick me up and take me to practice.”

There was a heavy pause. “Why? Are you not alright yet?”

“Thor’s not convinced I’m okay yet. I think he told me I’m being nicer than usual.”

“Well, I don’t know about that. You’re always nice.”

“I’m definitely not.”

“Really though, how are you feeling?”

The dark-haired man sighed heavily. “Like I need to skate. Can we discuss it on the way there?”

“Of course. You want to go now?” Loki said yes and the arrangements were made for her to pick him up in fifteen minutes.

He walked to the kitchen, where he found Thor standing, drinking a cup of coffee. Loki walked over, pouring some water into the electric kettle and turning it on. “Alright, I’m all set. Olivia will drive me to the rink, and Coach will come in at 2:00.”

“Sounds good.” The water in the kettle started boiling, and Loki poured it into a mug with a teabag in it. He swirled it around for a minute before removing the teabag and pouring in a bit of milk.

“Mm, that’s good,” he said, taking a sip and heading to the couch. He propped his feet up on the dining room table and leaned his head back contentedly, holding his warm mug in both hands. Soon, Livvy would be here.

_Just a warning. This isn’t the end, Silvertongue._ Loki’s eyes flew open. Why couldn’t he get that out of his head? He took another sip of his tea, willing his heartbeat to slow down.

“You okay? You’re looking pale again.” Thor had walked into the lounge and was now staring at Loki concernedly.

He was saved from having to reply by the doorbell ringing. Loki leaned forward, placing his mug on the coffee table and resting his elbows on his knees, burying his face in them.

“Come in--the door’s unlocked,” Thor called out.

The redhead stepped into the house. “Hey, Thor.” She walked up behind Loki and started playing with his curls. “Are you okay, Loki?”

He lifted his face from his hands. “I don’t appreciate being threatened,” he said shortly, standing up. “And if anyone asks me that one more time, they’ll be on the receiving end of some threats.” His anxiety was making him irritable and he knew it, but there didn’t seem to be a way to escape it. It seemed that he was either too nice, too vulnerable, or too angry. And hidden beneath that was a pit of fear and regret deep in his stomach.

He headed to the bathroom. As he washed his hands, he looked into the mirror. Sure enough, he didn’t look okay. His face was pale, his eyes slightly red-rimmed from the stress. His hair was greasy from missing his shower this morning. A frustrated sound escaped his lips, which quickly turned into a sob. He perched on the edge of the bathtub and let vent to all his emotions through his tears. After about five minutes, he took a deep, shaky breath and went back to the sink to splash water on his face.

Exiting the bathroom, he heard quiet voices, and softened his step, pausing in the hallway to listen to Thor’s voice.

“--is different. Loki’s not the sort that is concerned about what happens to him--you know that as well as I do. But this time, he seems truly afraid.”

“Well, maybe he’s learned the value of his own life,” Livvy’s voice responded.

“I don’t think that’s it. I wonder--I wonder if he’s worried because of you.”

Loki smiled bitterly from his place in the hallway. _You know me better than you think you do, brother._

“Because I’m potentially in danger, or because he’s worried that something will happen to him and then I’ll be on my own?”

“It sounds to me like you’ve already thought this out,” Thor’s deep voice said with a hint of amusement. “But… I’d think it’s both. That’s how I’d feel if this happened to me--I’d be worried about Jane. And myself, because I think I have a tad bit more self-respect than my brother.”

Loki smiled wistfully in the hallway. That was probably true--but then Thor had always been treated like something of value, unlike Loki.

“Do you think it would be easier for him if I… ended it?” The question was so quiet that Loki could hardly catch it. He quickly walked forward.

“Darling, don’t you think it’d be just as bad if thought this man had ruined everything for you? You told me this morning that you don’t want to leave. So don’t leave for my sake. Don’t do anything for my sake, okay?” He looked around him, at Livvy’s gentle, concerned smile, and Thor’s surprised blue eyes. He turned around quickly, feeling awkward after what had basically become a confession of his feelings. “Come on, Livvy, can we go skating now?”

The two headed outside, and Loki climbed into the passenger’s seat as Livvy slid into the driver’s seat, handing Loki her phone. “Here, you can choose some music if you’d like.”

Loki took the phone and scrolled through it. “Ooh, you’ve got some good stuff here.” He clicked on one, and the heavy beat of Disease by Matchbox Twenty filled the car. Livvy smiled as she listened to it. “Did you choose this song for a reason?”

Loki glanced over at Livvy for a second, a small smile on his face, before turning his head to look out the window, enjoying the lyrics about a man tortured by the fact that he’s in love with a girl--both trying to push her away and draw her closer.

Neither of them said anything more during the drive. Livvy kept shooting concerned sidelong glances at Loki, obviously wanting to say or do something but not sure what. The dark haired man tapped one finger on his knee, feeling emotionally exhausted and really not wanting to talk to anyone, so he was glad she wasn’t pushing him.

She pulled into the parking lot, swinging the car into an empty bay as Loki impatiently unbuckled his seatbelt. She turned the car off, and he climbed out and hurried up the stairs with Livvy close behind him. Loki turned his head to talk to her as they entered the building. “If you want to stay, you can sit in the bleachers and watch. You don’t have to though.”

“Haven’t got anything better to do,” she replied with a shrug.

“I can’t guarantee I’ll be any good today. I’m in a bit of a weird mood and I’m feeling a little off so…”

“I’m sure you’ll be fine.” She gave him a thumbs up before walking off, leaving him to enter the locker room and put on his skates. He emerged about ten minutes later and set about doing a series of stretches next to the rink.

He was just finishing up his last stretch when Heimdall walked in. “Hello, Loki. Haven’t gotten on the ice yet?”

Loki shook his head, standing up. “Not yet. Just completed my stretches.”

Heimdall looked Loki up and down. “Are you aware that you look like a mess?”

His hair felt greasy as Loki ran his fingers through it. “Yeah. As I said, it’s been a weird day.” He took off his hoodie and threw it into the stands with more force than necessary. “I don’t want to talk.”

“I’m not teaching you in this mood.”

“What? I’m paying you to teach me.” The man crossed his arms irritably.

“And I’m your teacher, so I can tell you what to do.”

“You have no idea--”

“I don’t care what your day’s been like. I’m your coach, not your therapist.”

Loki stiffened at the words. “Don’t you dare.”

Heimdall smiled suddenly. “Yep, you’re a mess. Thought so.”

Loki stared at him in confusion. “What--”

“I said, I’m not teaching you. Go do a free skate. Whatever song, whatever routine you come up with in your head.”

Loki stepped onto the ice, muttering to himself as he skated to the radio, where he plugged in his iPhone and looked for a song. He paused before choosing the song he had been listening just before he had run into Rico--Carnivore, by Starset. As the song began to start, he skated to the middle of the rink, staring down at the ice before slowly raising his arms and lowering them again to the beginning music of the song. As the music sped up quickly, he thrusted out with his left leg, turning backwards and moving to the rhythm of the song. As the lyrics began, Loki did a small jump, which quickly turned into an elegant spin. He continued to loop and away with the music, extending all of his emotion into the performance. _Carnivore, carnivore,_ the music went, and Loki leapt into a double toe loop, smashing his anger into his toe pick as he took off and landed, onto to spike himself back up. The chorus continued, and Loki threw himself into a triple axel without a second thought, for once landing it neatly. The music’s pitch lowered again, the chorus finished, and Loki continued with the small loops and arm gestures that made figure skating a dance. _Inside, the beast still glows…_ Loki loved his hand toward his chest, gesturing dramatically before tipping himself sideways, his body parallel to the ice as he began to spin. _Chewing through the ropes!_ He bent his leg, drawing his limbs closer as the spin morphed into a sit spin. He spun faster and faster before rising back up. _Who are you to change this world? Silly boy!_ He gestured wildly outwards, kicking his leg out to emphasize the points. _No one needs to hear your words… let it go._ He bent his legs swiftly, leaning his arms back so that his fingertips skimmed across the ice as he assumed cantilever position. He flipped back up quickly, flipping between backward and forward skating as the song went back to the chorus—_carnivore, carnivore, won’t you come digest me?_ He lifted his left leg, grabbing it behind his back and lifting it halfway above his head into a fast, wild half-Biellmann spin. His hair whipped around his head, making him feel free for the first time that day. As the music began to slow, Loki went back to his calmer movements, finally gliding to a gentle spot in the center of the ice, posing with his toe pick stuck into the ice in front of him and his arms pulled in to himself.

He closed his eyes, panting, surprised to hear applause from what sounded like two people. Looking up, he saw both his coach and Livvy clapping at him from where they were standing side-by-side at the boards. He skated up to them.

“Yes! Loki, yes. That’s exactly what I wanted to see from you. I wrote down everything you did—when you walked in today, I could see that all your emotions were at the fore, so I brought them out a little more in order to goad you into this. Sorry, but it was necessary.”

Loki chuckled breathlessly. “I can’t say I blame you. I think I needed that.”

Livvy beamed at Loki. “That was just so beautiful.”

Heimdal clapped his hands together for attention. “Alright, how happy were you with your competition routine?”

Loki frowned. “I don’t know. I never could really get it right, but we’ll keep practicing.”

“I’m not sure it’s worth it. I’m thinking… what if we change it to this?”

“Woah.” Loki held out his arms at his sides. “This was—improvisation. Emotion drove me to accomplish all those moves, I’m not sure I can replicate—”

“I keep telling you, Loki, you’re the only one holding yourself back. Today you weren’t holding yourself back, and the result was a glorious exploration of who you are. I felt like I could get to know you through your performance. We’ll figure out how to replicate it. You need to show the judges that.”

A smile had found its way onto Loki’s face partway through his coach’s speech, and he realized for a start that he was actually happy. He felt almost carefree again, and he reached over to pull Livvy into a sideways hug across the boards. “Yes. Let’s do it.”


	6. Black Leather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another run-in with Rico leaves things quite tense. Weird, random sweet moment with Heimdall at the end here. Don't ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering, yes, I have finished this entire story and am halfway through the sequel. I'm just editing as I go along. I could technically slap the whole thing on here, but I don't want to overwhelm everybody with an immediate 28 chapters, lol. Some of them are pretty long, too.

It was Saturday, and Loki was just finishing up putting his ice skates into his locker at the rink. The day before had been thankfully uneventful, with Thor offering to take Fenrir for his morning walk. Loki had spent most of the day at the rink, talking over the new routine with Heimdall and spending an almost equal amount of time on and off the ice. He had gone out for community service on that morning--Saturday--and had spent most of the time in a coffee shop with Steve as Loki filled him in on everything that had happened on Thursday. After all that explaining, Loki had felt the desire to get on the ice, so he had headed down to the rink and skated aimlessly for an hour before calling Livvy to come and meet him there to go to the dress shop. It may have been a chaotic couple of days, but Loki was determined not to let that get in the way of his previous plans. Loki slipped on a pair of black denim pants and a light blue polo shirt, pulling a leather jacket out of his locker and throwing it on as he thought of the cool fifty-degree weather outside. He began to close the locker before remembering something, and hesitantly reopened it to find a small leather case. He flipped it cautiously in his hand and stared at it for a minute before shoving it in his pocket and slamming his locker closed.

He stood up, slipping on some tennis shoes and hurrying outside, where he noticed Livvy was waiting for him. “Hello, Darling,” he said, kissing her head as he came up behind her. “Come, we can walk there.”

“Hi Loki! How was your skate?” Livvy asked, stepping beside Loki as he began to walk.

“Relaxing. Ready to go buy some skating clothes?”

“You bet!”

“I’m actually going to be looking for something as well,” Loki said. “Something for the competition.”

“Ooh, that’s cool! So, you’re going ahead and skating to Carnivore, right? What color are you going for? Red?”

Loki made a face. “Red is Thor’s color. I always skate competitions in green. No particular reason except that I’ve always loved that color.”

“Alright then,” Livvy said with a chuckle.

“You should totally get green too,” Loki whispered into her ear.

They reached the store quite quickly and entered, the bell on the door chiming as they did so. A short, plump 60-year-old Asian lady quickly moved from behind the checkout counter and hurried up to Loki, wrapping him in a hug which he chuckled and obediently bore. “Hello, Loki, dear!” She released him and turned to Livvy, grabbing the girl’s arm sweetly. “And who’s this?” she asked Loki. “Finally got yourself a girl?”

Loki laughed and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “This is Livvy. I wanted to get her something for skating in--she’s still a beginner but we enjoy skating together and I think she should look the part.”

“Oh, such a sweetheart, aren’t you, Loki? It will be added to your tab, dear.”

“Thank you.” Loki smiled as Livvy turned to him in protest, and put a finger to his lips. “Mother loved this place and payed for everything,” he said quietly. “Odin kept doing so in her memory. He buys my costumes—unfortunately, not my skates though. Anyway, get whatever you would like.”

“Wow--thank you.”

Loki turned back to the shopkeeper. “While we’re at it, I thought I would choose something for my competition.”

The lady winked. “Green, I’m guessing? I’ve actually got just the thing. It came in yesterday, and I was actually going to send you an email about it.”

“Oh? Show me.” Loki followed her to a shelf, and watched as she brought down a pair of black, leathery-looking pants, and a matching shirt. She shoved them into his arms and pointed to a dressing room.

“Go try while I help the lady. I assure you, you will look fantastic.”

Loki frowned, patting his pocket for a moment before walking up to Livvy and handing her the light brown leather case he had shoved into his pocket. “Could you keep this in your purse for me?” he asked quietly, feeling the weight of the object in his hand.

“What’s in it?” Livvy asked, frowning.

“I’ll tell you later, okay?” He turned around and hurried to the dressing room, closing the door and stripping off his clothing. The pants, he noticed, were attached to an undershirt in a sort of jumpsuit style. He slipped that on before pulling the long-sleeve leather-like shirt over it. He looked in the mirror appreciatively. The shirt fit well--it was made of a spandex material that shone like leather, and was sewn in diagonal strips to create a pleasant pattern. It was all black except for some green patches on the shoulders, and a green piece over the bottom half of his arm. The sleeve extended to loop around his thumb, reminding him of his typical fingerless gloves. The pants were black except for a couple diagonal stripes of green midway down his thighs. He frowned slightly as he adjusted the pants--they were slightly tight, but not unattractively so.

He unlocked the door to the dressing room, standing with his arm against the doorframe as he watched Livvy being ushered into a dressing room, holding a small dress and a pair of thick spandex skin-tone tights. She didn’t notice him, and locked the door behind him. The shopkeeper looked over at Loki and smiled. “Yes, you look just as good as I thought you would in that! I was afraid I would have to hem it for the shorter skaters, but it fits you perfectly.” She cast an appraising eye over him. “Yes, very good. Do you think it needs any alterations? Would you like to try anything else?”

Loki chuckled, holding his hands up to stop the flood of questions. “It’s perfect. I’ll get Olivia’s opinion before settling on it, though. What’s her dress like?”

“Oh, it matches yours nicely,” the shopkeeper said with a pleased smile. “You’ll love it.” Loki shot her an amused glance. Leave it to her to get them matching outfits.

Loki moved around in the outfit a bit, testing its flexibility. It moved nicely. He stepped out of the doorway and, grabbing his ankle, lifted it into a splits position over his head just as Livvy’s dressing room stall opened and she peaked out, immediately dissolving into laughter at Loki’s odd position.

“Wow,” Loki said, chuckling. “Your timing there was just… impeccable.” He paused, turning to look her over as she checked him out in turn. Her dress was made of the same shiny material as Loki’s, and consisted of a green heart-shaped bodice with strips of black fabric over it, the pieces fitting together to create a triangular shape. The dress had long sleeves made of a diaphanous fabric, and the skirt was made of flowing black fabric with a gold stripe along the bottom. The flesh-colored tights clung to her legs attractively. “You look beautiful,” Loki breathed. His eyes flashed to look at her’s, and he smiled as they moved up and down his body. Loki caught them resting briefly on his pants and snorted. “What do you think?”

“I love it,” she said. “You look very… sexy.”

Loki laughed. “Well then, I’m going to take that as a good thing.” He toyed with the collar of the shirt. It was a nice touch--the collar stuck out of what would otherwise be a rather boring round neckline. Below the neckline was a triangular golden shape that tied together the outfit, and Loki realized with a smile that it fit nicely with Livvy’s outfit’s triangular theme.

“I think we’ll take these,” he said with a laugh.

“I don’t ever want to take this off,” Livvy chuckled. “I feel awesome.”

“You should.” Loki walked over to her and grabbed her waist, enjoying the feel of the thin fabric against his hands and surveying her chest with his eyes before leaning in for a kiss. “I can’t wait to see you skating in this.”

***

Loki speared a piece of chicken in his cobb salad and watched as Livvy dug into her Mediterranean sandwich. The two had gone to Panera Bread for a late lunch after buying their outfits.

“When exactly is your competition?” Livvy asked.

“November second--so three weeks from today.”

“Wow. Think you’ll be ready by then?”

Loki chuckled. “Why, do I still look that bad?”

“No! Just--you only just changed up your entire routine.”

“True.” Loki shoveled another bite of salad into his mouth and glanced out the window, only to immediately start choking. Livvy looked up, slightly alarmed, and he quickly managed to swallow his food before putting his fork down, his eyes still fixated on the window.

“..Loki? What’s going on out there?”

His eyes flicked to her face briefly. “That thing I gave you--could I have it back?”

A nervous and suspicious look crossed her face as she removed it from her bag and handed it to him across the table. “What’s going on outside, Loki?”

“Someone’s watching us.”

Livvy paled slightly. “Rico?”

“One of his men. Hang on.” He pulled out his phone and dialed a number. “Yes, hi, could I speak to Officer Barker?... Yes. I think one of Rico’s men is watching us. I’m at Panera Bread on Ingram Street with my girlfriend… I think his name is Arnold… Hold on. I’m getting another call. Can you record it if I pick it up with you on hold? Yes? Okay. Switching.

“Hello?” His brow furrowed and his eyes darkened. “How did you get my number?... Yes, of course I changed it… Talk to me? Right, because that’s a good idea.” An eerie calm had settled across Loki’s face, a calm that told Livvy how dangerous the situation was. “I’m in public. What’s your plan here?... Fine. Where are you?” His eyes flicked to Livvy. “No way. She’s staying out of this…. No. We had a deal, Rico. You never said I couldn’t ever leave. I did not double-cross you. Don’t you understand? I’m not Silvertongue anymore. Leave me alone, or I will get the police involved. Fine, yes, that’s true. But I didn’t before. You were never mentioned before you came back into my life now. I promise you that.” He rubbed his neck with his hand and stood up. “Fine. We’ll talk. Yes. Both of us. Just--leave us alone after that.” He turned to Livvy, mouthing a quick apology before grabbing her hand. “We’ll be there in a second.” He clicked the ‘end call’ button, switching back to the police.

“I have to go out there and talk to him. He’s got his men in this place; I don’t know what they’ll do if I don’t. You heard where he is. I’ll make sure we’re safe.” There was a pause, and Loki’s hand tightened against the leather case. “Yes, I’ve got it. I’ll use it if I have to.” His voice was grim. “I have to go.” He put the phone down and led Livvy toward the back exit, speaking rapidly. “He’s got men in here, situated out of earshot of my call to the police, but it’s dangerous nonetheless and we’ve got no choice but to go talk to him. I’ll talk--don’t say anything unless you have to. I--I’m so sorry. It’ll be okay. I’ll protect you.” He paused. “I don’t think he’ll try anything.”

Livvy nodded numbly, looking up at Loki briefly. “Are you okay?”

He nodded. “I’ve been expecting this. I wanted you to stay out of it, but… that doesn’t seem possible anymore.” He gave her hand one last squeeze before exiting Panera through the back door and heading into a nearby alley. A man was leaning against the wall of the alley, looking relaxed. Loki slowed his pace, circling up to him slowly and releasing Livvy’s hand to toss the leather case between his hands.

“Hello again, Rico. Did you forget something in our last conversation?” Loki’s words were friendly enough, but something cold and dangerous had slipped into his tone.

“You know, Loki, you never told me you had a girlfriend.” The man didn’t move from his relaxed position, although Livvy noticed him eyeing the object Loki was still casually flipping between his hands. Rico raised his eyebrows, nodding at it. “You planning on using that?”

“Only if you make me,” Loki said, in a reasonable tone.

“I gave that to you, Loki. You should be more grateful.”

“Oh.” Loki paused, holding it firmly in one hand and extending his arm toward the shorter, stockier man. “Would you like it back?”

“What are you playing at, Silvertongue?”

“I’d actually like to hear _your_ answer to that question. I think what I’m doing is minding my own business.”

“I just want to reconnect with my son,” the man said with a completely ingenuine smile.

“You are in no way my father,” Loki snapped. “Don’t even try to tell me that you are.”

“Oh, from what I recall, you told me I was a father figure to you.” The man took a step forward, and in a barely visible flash, Livvy noticed that Loki had removed the item from the leather case. There was a glint of metal, and she realized that it was a knife, folded in half with the blade neatly tucked away. Her eyes widened.

“You’re not.” There was a cold fury in Loki’s voice now. “If I thought you were, it was because I was an idiot. Real fathers don’t hurt their sons.”

“Oh, but I saved your life.”

“Will you stop holding that over my head? I’ve already told you several times that I never wanted to be saved.”

“No need to be so cynical. You’ve turned out quite well. I can’t help but believe I’ve given you something to contribute to that.” He nodded to Loki’s hand. “Is there a reason you kept that old tactical knife? It’s only really any good for self-defense.”

“That’s all I’ll use any weapon for, nowadays. I’ve told you, I’ve changed. If you would just believe that--”

“People can’t change.” The words came out in a snarl. “You’re fooling yourself, pretending to be above everybody, you and your stupid community group and your ice skating and your purity.”

“I have changed, Rico, but not because of you. All you left me with were scars. We’re done. Whatever we had before, we don’t have anymore. Whatever family you thought we had, is gone. I’ve got a new family now. You’re welcome to come visit the group if you’d like.” Loki narrowed his eyes and nodded at Rico’s leather jacket. “If you’re willing to not bring any of those weapons, that is.”

Rico laughed suddenly. “If you remember that I’m always armed, why did you think coming at me with a tactical knife would be useful?”

Loki raised an eyebrow. “Clearly you’re forgetting how good I am with a knife.”

“See, Loki, that part is still inside you. You will never be able to escape it. Come home and I’ll forgive you for telling on me.”

Loki hesitated for a fraction of a second before stepping backward and stretching his arm around Livvy. “This is my home, Rico. I’ve told you. We’re done here.”

“Don’t you owe me an apology?”

Loki scowled. “I owe you nothing.”

Rico laughed, a harsh grating sound. “Always so proud. I have to go now, before your meddling police arrive.”

“What are you after?” An oddly desperate sound had crept into Loki’s voice. “What do I have to do to be left alone?”

“I loved you, Silvertongue.” Rico spat, his face suddenly contorted in anger. “You were my greatest project. You could have been something great. But you gave it all up, and I lost you. And you didn’t even care. You think you can go back to life and do whatever you want, without me? That won’t happen, ever. I won’t just let you get off scot-free. You ran, and that’s dishonorable. You always said I had a way of getting in your head, didn't you? Well, expect that again. You can’t protect everyone. You can’t protect them from who you really are. Hasta la vista, Silvertongue.” He turned around and winked at Loki. “I’ll be seeing you.” With that, he hurried down the alleyway until he was out of sight.

Loki didn’t move, silently trembling as he held onto Livvy’s waist, his grip vice-like. Livvy was sure she would have bruises from it in the morning, but said nothing--Loki needed her. “It’s okay, Loki. I’m right here.” They stood still for several seconds before Loki let go of her, walking stiffly to where Rico had been standing. He placed his hands on the wall and leaned forward as if he was trying to push it away. Out of nowhere, he let out a feral yell.

“He’s right,” he said, his voice shaking. “He does know how to get in my head.” He left the wall to pace in a circle. “I can’t even have a good day with you without worrying about him showing up.” He looked down at the knife in his hand, unfolding it and running his finger over the edge. Suddenly not trusting him with it, Livvy walked up to him.

“Give it to me.”

Loki stared at her, his eyes slightly unfocused, before he blinked and understood. “I’m sorry,” he said tiredly, putting it back in its leather case and handing it back to her. Livvy smiled gently, slipping it into her purse and wrapping Loki in a hug. He leaned into her.

“Don’t let his words get to you. They aren’t true.”

“I’m trying to believe that.” The two stayed wrapped in each other’s arms until they heard the police approach, at which point Loki pulled away regretfully and turned to them. “You’re far too late.”

***

Loki and Oliva sat back down in Panera, simply because neither of them felt like driving. Loki had just finished calling Steve and Thor, letting them know what had happened and assuring them both that he was alright. “Thank goodness we put the skating outfits in the car before coming here,” Livvy said with a small smile.

“You bet.” Loki offered her a lopsided grin in return.

“Loki?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t need to be protected from you. You’re who you are, and I don’t judge you for what you’ve done in the past. People can change.”

Loki stretched his hand across the table, and Livvy took it. “Thank you.” He looked away. “I truly am sorry. I hate how you’ve been dragged into this. I’m worried about you.” He met her eyes. “Would you--would you mind keeping Fenrir with you? Just until we figure out this whole thing, or until I know what move he’s going to make. I don’t like the idea of you being alone in your house. Fenrir will protect you with his life, I know that.”

Livvy nodded. “Of course…. do you really think I’m in danger?”

“He always said that the best way to get to someone is through their loved ones, so… it’s possible. I think he’ll go for me first, but you never know. I’m fairly good at self-defense though.”

Livvy sighed. “So… what now?”

“I’m rather angry that our day has turned sour,” Loki responded.

“I know. We didn’t even get to finish our lunch.”

Loki chuckled. “The idea of food right now honestly makes me feel nauseous.”

Livvy laughed. “I guess I’m more of a stress-eater.”

“That makes sense. I’m the exact opposite. When I’m stressed, I tend to just lose weight.”

“I could see that.”

The man sighed, combing his fingers through his hair. “I suppose we should go home. We can swing past my place so you can grab Fenrir if you’d like.”

The girl looked hesitant. “I—”

“Are you alright?”

“I don’t know that I want to be alone right now, with or without Fenrir.”

Loki nodded understandingly. “Is there anyone you could spend the night with?”

Livvy shrugged. “I just moved here. I’m not sure I feel comfortable enough to call someone up yet, and my family lives two hours away.”

She looked quite worried, and her vulnerable eyes pulled at Loki’s heart. “Well, we’ll go back to my place until you feel okay again.”

“I’m sorry. It’s probably stupid of me,” she said, standing up.

“It’s not,” Loki said with a smile, also standing up and wrapping her in a quick hug. “After the first time I saw him again, I wouldn’t have wanted to be left alone either. Come on, let’s go to the car. I can drive.”

“You sure? You still look a bit pale.”

“As do you,” Loki said with a chuckle. “I’m handling this one a lot better I think, after the initial reaction. It’s not a shock to me anymore. I’m trying not to let his words get to me.” They reached the car, and he slid into the driver’s seat but didn’t turn on the car, instead simply sitting there, tapping the steering wheel with his fingers as he debated what to do. “Okay, I’m actually feeling really restless right now.”

Livvy chuckled. “To be honest, so am I. I’ve got a lot of nervous energy.”

A weight had begun to settle in the pit of Loki’s stomach, and he felt slightly nauseous from the stress and anxiety pooled there. Moving around might help his digestion. “Can we go to the rink?” He asked hesitantly. “I don’t want to overwork myself, and I don’t know if that’s what you need, but…”

Livvy touched Loki’s arm. “Of course we can. It sounds fine by me.”

Loki smiled weakly, finally turning the car on and heading to the rink. Once they entered the building, Loki glanced around to ascertain who was there. “Looks like two of the girls are here,” Loki said. “No guys.” He nodded to the receptionist at the desk before walking to the men’s locker room. He peeked in before waving to Livvy. “Yep, no one here. You can come in if you’d like.”

“Thanks,” she said gratefully, knowing full well that he hadn’t wanted to leave her alone. “You’re looking really pale, are you okay?”

Loki didn’t quite respond, instead suddenly turning away and rushing to the bathroom, and throwing up into the toilet. It wasn’t unusual for him to get sick when he was anxious—it cleared his mind and prepared him to work off the rest of his feelings. He splashed some water on his face and rinsed out his mouth before walking back to his locker, flashing Livvy an apologetic look. “Sorry. Um—stress has that effect on me. I feel a lot better now. Let me just get changed, then we can get on the ice.”

“Are you sure you’re okay to skate? You won’t throw up on the ice?”

“I’m not sick. That’s a stress reaction, and once my stomach is empty, I feel great. Ask Thor—it always makes him freak out.”

“I think I identify with him there.” Loki gave her another apologetic smile. He hesitated for a second pulling off his polo shirt before noticing that Livvy was still watching him. “Livvy, trying to get dressed here, turn around, would you?”

Livvy blushed. “Um, right. Sorry. I wasn’t expecting—right. Never mind.” She quickly turned around, closing her eyes and trying to ignore the sound of his clothing rustling. “Loki? Why do you have so many scars on your chest?”

Loki chuckled. “You notice quickly. All due to that abusive man who now claims I was like a son to him.”

“What did he do?”

“Cut us randomly to improve our reflexes so that we could jump into a fight without prior warning, hit us when we did something wrong, but mostly he got in our heads. Made us think like him. I’m not sure how he does it, but he’s very good at it. Would probably make a nice psychiatrist if he were to dedicate himself to something constructive.” He finished pulling up his pants and turned around to Livvy’s back. “Alright, I’m done.” He was wearing a simple green T-shirt and the pair of black skating pants with the green inset. “You don’t happen to have a mint or something, do you?”

“Actually, I grabbed some from a restaurant not long ago,” Livvy replied helpfully, scratching through her bag. A second later, she triumphantly held up a starlight mint and tossed it to Loki.

“Thank you,” he said, handing her her skates as he unwrapped it and put it in his mouth. “That’s much better.” He grabbed his own skates and quickly laced them up, pulling the ends of his pants over them. “Need some help with yours?”

“Sure, but just because I like the way you tie them.”

_And, on my end, because I really want to touch you._ He grabbed her feet and swung them onto his lap, sliding her entire body so that she was sitting sideways on the bench. She laughed, and he laced her skates tightly. His hands began to wander upwards, tracing her calves, the thin covering of her leggings the only thing between his long fingers and her legs.

Loki raised her eyebrows, leaning forward to grab Loki’s arms, halting them in their exploration. “Someone’s being a little handsy,” she said, chuckling. “Does stress also make you amorous?”

“Apparently so.” He leaned forward, catching her lip gently in his teeth. His breath smelled fresh and minty, almost making Livvy forget that he had just thrown up. Almost. His tongue came out to require for entrance into her mouth, and she quickly shoved him away.

“Loki! That’s disgusting; you just threw up.”

The dark-haired man chuckled, reluctantly withdrawing and placing her legs back on the floor and standing up. Livvy gave him a quick kiss on the neck, which was rewarded with a quiet groaning sigh from Loki. “Ooh, have I found a sweet spot?”

“Stop teasing me, woman.” Loki pulled her closer to him in a sideways hug before exiting the locker room with Livvy following.

Loki stepped onto the ice first, but instead of skating off, he grabbed Livvy’s hands in his and skated backwards with her keeping the pace going forward. His hands moved to hold her by her hips, and she winced.

“Sorry, are you okay?”

“My hip’s a little bruised.”

Loki noticed Heimdall approaching the ice out of the corner of his eye and waved briefly to him. He must be coming to have some ice time himself, or perhaps for an irregular session with another student, Loki mused. “Wait, how did you hurt your hip?”

Livvy laughed. “Actually, you hurt it.”

Heimdall began to skate up to them, but, suddenly concerned, Loki ignored it for the moment. “When did I bruise your hip?”

“You know, in the alleyway behind Panera, after—”

Heimdall, having reached them and caught the end of the conversation, cleared his throat. “I do not want to picture what you’re talking about here.”

Loki laughed. “No, you’ve got the wrong idea. It’s not what you’re thinking. We’re, er, saving ourselves for marriage.”

“I’m still not sure I want to hear this.” Heimdall chuckled. “Anyway, what are you two doing at the rink today?”

“There was another incident of sorts earlier and I needed to come here to decompress.”

Livvy interjected. “It wasn’t just you; I also needed to do something.”

Loki smiled. “Well, there you are. It’s been stressful but we’re both feeling better now. What are you doing here?”

“Actually, not too different for me. I was feeling restless so I headed over here. Nice to run into you two.” He looked at Loki perplexedly. “Why do you smell minty? You don’t seem like the minty type.”

“Well… um, yeah. It’s been a little stressful so I may have thrown up when we first got here. Luckily Livvy had a mint.”

“You’ve got to become better at controlling your emotions, Loki. What have you eaten today?”

Loki frowned. “A bowl of Cheerios, some coffee, and half a Cobb salad at Panera which probably doesn’t really count anymore.”

“Yeah, you should be eating more than that. I don’t want you to become one of those thin sticks that some coaches root for. It’s not healthy, nor does it make one perform better.”

“Don’t worry, Livvy likes to eat, so she’ll probably get me to eat more.” He couldn’t resist running his finger along the curve of her hips.

Heimdal frowned. “And, speaking of emotions, stop whatever you’re feeling right now because it’s getting a little awkward for me. Get a room or something.”

Loki laughed. “You know, if anyone’s a father figure to me, it’s probably you.”

The black man’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. “Where did that come from?”

“Someone from my past keeps popping up, which has to do with the stressful situations Livvy and I have been having. Today he insinuated that he was a father to me.”

A small smile crossed the older man’s face. “Well, I’m glad if you can see me in that light.” He looked at the two of them. “Would you like me to teach you two a few couple’s moves, while I’m here?”

“Would you?” Livvy cried out excitedly. “That’d be great!”

Loki smiled at her enthusiasm, taking her hands again. The pair managed to learn a simple circular glide together, and Livvy, now supported by Loki’s hands holding her up, managed to complete the move that had hurt her wrists years before. At the end of the quick lesson, Loki skated up to Heimdall and offered him a sincere thank you. “That was really just what we needed.”

Heimdal smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You saying I’m like a father to you means so much to me. Part of the reason I came here today was because it would have been my wife and I’s thirtieth wedding anniversary today. She died ten years ago.” He looked down sadly. “I always regretted that we never had children, but now, maybe you can fill that spot in my heart.”


	7. Sketches of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares are had. Emotions are talked through. Loki feels sick. Loki always feels sick. Slightly shorter one.

_The sound of voices yelling filled the air. Loki felt a vice-like hand on his arm, pulling him roughly to the side. “Are you going to join us, or what? If you can’t help, then why are you here, you useless thing?” Loki stared at the face of the man speaking to him, at the purple face tattoo. _

__

_“What do you want me to do? I’ll prove your worth to you.” _NO_, his whole mind screamed at him. _THIS IS NOT WHO YOU ARE.__

__

__

_“Good boy,” the voice responded smoothly. “Take this knife, and get in there. Open one of the vaults.”_

_Loki nodded numbly, stepping into the building through a side door. The sound of yelling drew closer, and Loki could see some bank employers laying on the floor with frantic eyes. “The government lets this happen,” Rico’s voice boomed out to everyone in the bank. “All this uneven distribution of wealth. We’re here to fix it!”_

_“You’ll never get anywhere,” a frail voice called out unexpectedly. “Men like you are never right. All you want is chaos.”_

_Rico turned to Loki. “Silence him.” Loki hesitated for a split second, and he felt cold metal against his skin. He rushed forward, flipping his knife menacingly._

_“Let’s show everyone what happens to those who don’t listen, shall we?” Loki found himself purring. This was exactly who he was. This was the monster. Yes--that felt good. He was the monster his father had told him he was. If he could just prove himself to Rico, he would have everything he wanted from everyone. He leveled the knife at the man’s throat just as distant sirens began to wail._

_“Get out,” barked Rico to the gang. “Grab what you can and meet me at home base.”_

_Loki slammed the man back against the wall. “It’s your lucky day,” he murmured cruelly, before slipping back into the shadows._

_“Good boy,” a voice growled at him. “Next time, you’ll get the chance to finish your job. You’re my greatest project, Silvertongue. Don’t you ever disappoint me, or I’ll be back to find you.”_

Loki gasped, opening his eyes suddenly to a small sliver of sunlight streaming through his window. He sat up, trying to untangle himself from his sheets. “I am not your project,” He hissed to himself quietly. His chest heaved as he fought to shake off the memory-dream. What if the police hadn’t come at that moment? Would he have killed that man? Did he really have it in him to kill a defenseless, elderly man?

You can’t protect everyone from yourself. The words rushed into his brain, and Loki found himself back in the bathroom, vomiting up bile. He leaned back against the wall as he flushed the toilet. Heimdall was right—this wasn’t healthy. He had been caught by stress like this before and remembered losing twenty pounds of weight he didn’t really have.

Loki checked his watch as he stood up shakily. 6:00am. Good, so Thor wouldn’t have heard him—he would still be asleep. As he brushed his teeth, he looked around for Fenrir for a minute before remembering that the dog was over at Livvy’s place—after dinner, she had felt okay enough to go back there, provided she had the dog with her.

Livvy. The one person in life who both kept him going and stressed him out. He grabbed his phone as he made his way to the kitchen and turned the coffee pot on.

_You awake, love?_ He texted.

He stood at the counter, but she wasn’t replying just yet—obviously she was still asleep. The coffee finished, and Loki poured himself a cup, adding a splash of milk as his phone chimed with a text. Oh, so she was up.

_Yeah, sorry. Jane just came over—she’s making scrambled eggs and bacon. You want to come join us?_

Loki hesitated. The thought of bacon made him feel sick all over again, but he should probably try to eat something, and scrambled eggs seemed like a good, easy to digest option. Most of all, though, he wanted to see Olivia.

_Okay, I suppose I could come over. I’m not really that hungry though, so don’t make me a ton of food._

The reply came quickly. _I’ll make you as much food as you can eat. You have to eat, Loki._

He sighed, finishing his coffee and placing the mug in the dishwasher. _Hey, I ate nearly half of that lasagna last night at the restaurant._ He thought back to their interesting night--Heimdall had invited him and Loki to dinner, and they had talked about a bit of everything. He had gone to bed the night before feeling almost upbeat. That dream just had to come along and push him back down. _I’ll be there shortly._

As he drove, he thought of the redhead girl. How long had it been since they’d first met? Was it really only three weeks? Wow. In that little bit of time, he had told her so much about himself… he frowned, a sudden thought occurring to him as he pulled into the driveway of the small duplex she lived in. A black and white cat trotted up to him and meowed as he climbed out of the car. Loki chuckled, bending down to give the cat a quick pet before walking to the front door, the cat following. He scooped up the cat, holding him gently in his arms, as the door opened.

“Hi,” Livvy said with a smile. “I see you’ve met Pepper.” She was cut off by the excited barking of a dog, and the sound of nails clicking against the hardwood floor as Fenrir ran toward his owner. Panicked, Pepper launched himself out of Loki’s arms, surprisingly not scratching him too badly. Loki kneeled down and held out his arms to hug the husky.

“Hey Fen, my boy. Yeah, I’ve missed you too.” He smiled, feeling considerably lighter already. “Make him a piece of bacon, would you, Livvy? He’s been a good boy.”

Livvy laughed. “Get in the house, you.” Chuckling, Loki picked up the oversized dog, who panted happily in his arms. “That’s quite an armful you’ve got there,” Livvy chuckled.

“He doesn’t realize that he weighs almost sixty pounds,” Loki said, grunting as he stepped into the house and set the dog back onto the ground.

He took a minute to take in his surroundings. The condo was rectangular in shape, and double-story—a flight of stairs led upwards to the left of the front door. The entrance to the condo opened to the living area, where a tv was mounted against the front wall. A three-seater couch was located across from the tv, a small oval wooden coffee table in between the couch and tv. Past the couch was the dining room and kitchen. The kitchen was L-shaped and pressed against the back-right corner of the condo, while a small dark wood dining table and chairs was set up toward the left side. In between the living and dining room, there was a tiny bathroom featuring only a toilet and a sink. A back door with a cat flap in it led to a small outdoor area. Loki smiled. “Nice little place.”

Livvy shrugged. “Yeah, it’s the best I could do on my budget.”

Loki walked up to the left side wall, gazing at the paintings hanging on it. There was one canvas painting of a fluffy grey and white cat in the snow, and another of a Bengal cat sitting in a field. He glanced further at the walls of the room and noticed a colorful painting of South Africa’s Table Mountain, and a cute framed drawing of two dragons. Next to the TV was a painting of three of the characters from Downton Abbey. He turned back towards the painting of the fluffy cat and reverently ran his fingertip along the signature. “Did you paint all of these?”

Livvy blushed. “Sure did. What do you think?”

“They’re beautiful,” he breathed.

“Remind me to show you my digital art sometime.” Loki flashed her a smile and nodded, ambling over to the kitchen and greeting Jane.

“You two can sit on the couch and wait,” Jane said with a smile. “It’ll be another couple of minutes. I didn’t want to start before you got here.”

Loki nodded and gratefully moved to collapse onto the couch. Livvy sat down next to him. “Tell me more about your art,” he requested.

“There’s not a whole lot to say,” she responded, looking a little flustered. “As I said on the hike, I don’t paint a whole lot, simply because digital art is just so much easier.” She leaned forward, grabbing a sketchbook from the coffee table. “I do sketch a lot.”

“Can I see?” He moved to take the sketchbook from her, but she unexpectedly grabbed it back and held it close to her chest.

“Um, sorry. I’m a little overprotective of this thing. It’s… kind of personal.”

“Ah.” Loki tried to stamp down the disappointment in his tone, but didn’t quite succeed. “I can understand that.”

Livvy hesitated, a flash of guilt shining in her eyes before she opened the sketchbook, shielding it from his view as she paged forward a couple pages, passing what Loki assumed were drawings she didn’t want him to see, before setting it between them, with one side on Loki’s lap and one on her’s. “I was trying to do an alphabetical animal drawing challenge for a while,” she explained as Loki looked at the anteater drawing on the page.

“Its so detailed,” he murmured.

She chuckled, flicking the page over slightly to check what the next page held before turning it. “Here’s the original sketch for a bat-eared fox for letter B.” She pointed to a lightly drawn, unfinished sketchy outline of the fox.

“A lot better than I could do,” Loki said with a chuckle. Livvy smiled and turned the page, revealing a fully completed bat drawing. He was hanging upside-down with his wings curled up around his body. “Ooh,” Loki breathed. “I like this one.”

Livvy smiled, continuing to show him a capybara, a California condor-- “I couldn’t decide which one I wanted to draw,” she had explained--, a colored pencil sketch of a bright orange dingo, an ermine, a frilled lizard, a gorilla, a giraffe, a hyena, an impala, and a funny cat-like animal called a jaguarundi. “I only made it to J, unfortunately,” the girl explained. “I got distracted by life after that and didn’t ever come back to it.”

“Well, no matter, it’s really nice to look at the ones you did draw,” Loki replied. Livvy smiled and peeked ahead in the sketchbook before turning a couple of pages to reveal a flying dragon.

“Here’s something I love drawing--dragons. This is my character Thistle--I’m sort of writing a book for him and his adopted brother, Astley.”

“That’s awesome,” Loki said appreciatively. The page turned again, and Livvy identified the dragon on it as Astley. “I like his mane.”

Livvy showed him several more drawings, including a nice realism piece of lady Mary from Downton Abbey, and even a self-portrait, before Jane called them for breakfast. Getting off the couch, Loki helped himself to some coffee before grabbing a plate and filling it with as many scrambled eggs as he thought he would be able to choke down. “Why don’t we sit on the couch and relax?” Livvy suggested, and the others eagerly agreed, setting their coffee on the coffee table and settling on the couch with their plates. Loki sat on the right, Livvy next to him, and Jane sat on the left side. Jane reached for the tv remote and flipped to Sky News on Livvy’s Roku.

Loki pushed around at the food on his plate with a fork, his stomach clenching slightly. He hated how it always felt like he couldn’t eat whenever he was anxious. Livvy gave him a concerned sidelong glance, and he quickly and mechanically placed a piece of egg into his mouth, chewing and swallowing it. It felt heavy in his stomach, and he fervently hoped that it wouldn’t make him sick later.

“You know, Livvy, I don’t feel like I know your personality as well as I should,” Loki pointed out as he forced another mouthful of egg down his throat. “Why don’t we make a date next weekend where you take charge. Whatever you want to do, we’ll do.”

Livvy smiled. “I’d like that. Would you judge me if we went to the zoo?”

The dark-haired man chuckled, stealing a piece of bacon off of Livvy’s plate and taking a tiny, cautious bite before handing it to Fenrir, who was laying at his feet. “Of course not, darling. You should take that sketchbook with you.” He leaned closer to her, talking quietly so that Jane wouldn’t hear. “I think, because of the stress and vulnerability I’ve shown you, I might have been moving a little too fast, and for that I apologize. It was only as I drove here that I realized that it’s only been three weeks since I properly met you. Forgive me, would you?”

Livvy leaned in, giving him a quick peck on the lips. “Don’t apologize. If I’m not okay with whatever you’re doing, I’ll stop you.”

“Thank you, darling.”

He sighed, watching him pick at the eggs on his plate. “I’m still worried about you, Loki.” The man didn’t answer, staring down at his plate. “Can I ask you something?” He nodded hesitantly. “What is it that’s getting to you the most about this whole situation?”

Loki sighed, placing his plate on the table before leaning forward with his head in his hands. “Oh, darling. Can we talk somewhere more private?”

Livvy hesitated. “Um, Jane, would you mind going somewhere else? We won’t do anything, I promise, but Loki’s got something he wants to talk to me about.”

Jane smiled and nodded, heading upstairs.

Once she was gone, Loki began speaking. “I’m angry at myself for getting you involved in this. I’m angry at myself for still holding onto my old self-deprecating feelings. I’ve always been told that I’m an awful person and am not worth anything. Now I’m being told I’m a failure all over again.” Livvy put her hand on his, and he looked up at her with puffy eyes.

“It’s not even that. It’s that on top of the fear of what could have been. I almost killed somebody, Livvy--did you know that? Do you know what a monster I am? Do you know that I held a knife to an old man’s throat and fully intended to go through with it? The police broke us up before I could. Do you know that I relished that sense of power over him? Do you understand now? How Rico’s getting in my head. This isn’t about him, about my feelings of inferiority--well, it is, in that they’re what drive me crazy. What make me want to lash out at the world. That’s still in me. Rico told me I couldn’t escape it. Of course, he was right. I was a power-hungry, angry man in desire of revenge. I wanted people to hurt the way I did. I wanted them to suffer. He’s just reminded me that I can’t sit back and imagine that all of that is completely gone.” He was breathing heavily, and felt a familiar clench in his stomach.

Livvy moved her hand to rest it on his belly. “Don’t.”

He swallowed hard and rested his head on the back of the couch. “I’m not sure it’s something I can stop.”

“I think it is.” She shifted on the couch to look more directly at him. “Breathe, Loki. Don’t you remember what Paul said? “Yet that is what some of you were.” Rico isn’t right--a person can change. I look into your eyes, Loki, and I don’t see a bloodthirsty monster.”

“They saw a monster.” He didn’t move his head, but Livvy could see his jaw clench, and she idly wondered who exactly he was referring to. “So, I became what they wanted.”

“You’re incredibly stubborn, do you know that?” Her hand moved back to grab his. “Let me talk to you. I don’t think you’re the monster you think you are. I see a man who’s been hurt by those close to him, who’s never been trusted in to make his own decisions. I see a man who’s been broken but has pieced that broken mind back together again. I look into your eyes and the most of that previous person I see is your self-hatred. But even that fades quite often. You’re the one whose hanging onto this, not anyone else. Rico, maybe, but he’s not worth your time. Take a deep breath, Loki, and remember that I chose not to judge you for who you were. You’re the only one doing that to yourself.”

He obediently took a deep breath in, holding it for a second before exhaling through his nose. “You’re not going to leave me, then?”

“You’re never going to succeed in pushing me away.”

He let out a breathy, humorless chuckle. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re also incredibly stubborn?”

Livvy smiled gently. “I think I have to be, to put up with you.”

Loki lifted his head slightly to look deep into Livvy’s eyes. “I’m serious,” he said softly. “About everything. I almost killed a man. I’ve got it in me to kill a man, Livvy. I don’t want you to take that knowledge lightly. I want you to think about it before you’re in too deep with me to get away from this relationship.”

She moved her hands to her lap, picking at her eczema on the back of her hand. “Honestly, Loki… I think it’s already too late.”

He groaned and let his head fall against the couch again as a fresh wave of nausea pulled through his veins. “I was afraid you would say that.”

Livvy’s hands moved to wipe the beads of sweat off his face. “We’ll be okay.” She kissed him gently before pulling away. “Now if you’re going to get sick, I’m leaving, because there’s nothing I hate more than being around sick people.”

Loki chuckled drily. “Then I’ll keep doing my best to hold it together. I’m trying my best to be good enough for you, Livvy, and I’ve been trying to change since long before that.”

She smiled, looking up at him with hopeful hazel eyes. “Your best is good enough for me.”


	8. It's All Up to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Livvy and Loki go to the zoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay--I considered removing the part about the guy hitting on Loki, but decided against it. I'm pretty much making fun of the fact that everyone thinks that every male figure skater has to be gay--but I'm not trying to be offensive with it. Let me know if it bothers any of you and I can remove it.
> 
> The zoo is based on the little zoo in Chattanooga, Tennessee--they're supposed to be somewhere in England but I originally set the story here. The whole geographic location is a bit up in the air... sorry about that.

The week passed by quickly. At the library, they had received a new shipment of books, so Loki was kept busy doing inventory for those. On top of that, skating practice was intensifying, Heimdall becoming more demanding for improvement as the contest date loomed closer. Thor had begun running with Loki in the mornings, something he admitted he should be doing anyway, and Loki couldn’t help but feel safe with the buff man running alongside him. Nobody, not even Rico, would want to pick a fight with the two of them.

And now, finally, it was Saturday again, after service, and Loki was in Livvy’s driveway, waiting to pick her up for the mysterious day she had planned for them. She opened the front door at his knock, and grabbed her purse before walking to the car. He chivalrously opened the door for her before heading to the driver’s seat.

“So, first of all, I’m starving, since you told me not to have lunch,” he said with a chuckle.

“I’m just glad you’re eating better, you thin thing,” Livvy teased, poking his flat belly.

“Well, you’ll break that cycle if you make me miss lunch.” He made a face. “Seriously though, this week has been surprisingly wonderful. There’s been a lot going on to distract me, and there’s been no hint of any further disturbances.”

“You think you’ve run him off?” She didn’t bother to explain who she was talking about.

Loki frowned. “I wouldn’t go that far. I’m fairly sure he’s got something planned, but we’ll deal with that when we get there, won’t we?” He shook his head. “Anyway, let’s not speak of that. It’s our one-month anniversary today, did you realize that?”

“Really?” Livvy laughed. “It feels like so much longer than that.”

“It sure does. What a better way to celebrate than with a day dedicated to you?” Loki grinned as he started the car. “Might I ask why I’m driving, seeing as I don’t even know where we’re going?”

Livvy made a face. “I don’t love driving. It’s kind of fun when it’s just me, and I don’t hate it as much as I used to, but I still prefer being a passenger.”

“Well, there we go--I did say I wanted to learn more about you, and that’s one thing added to the list.” He smiled at Livvy. “So, where to?”

“We’re going to start at the zoo,” she said, setting her sketchbook on her lap. “Also, can you connect me to the car’s Bluetooth?”

“There’s good food at the zoo?” Loki looked skeptical.

“Someone’s hungry,” Livvy laughed.

“Got to make up for barely eating last weekend,” he said, only half-joking. “I think I lost a couple pounds. Heimdall started yelling at me for it.”

“That quickly?”

“When you’re as active as me, yes, unfortunately I burn a ton of calories a day.”

“Right, I remember, we had a conversation about that once.”

Loki chuckled. “Yes, we did.” He reversed out of the driveway and headed down the street, clicking a few buttons on the steering wheel. “Try connecting your phone now.”

Livvy fiddled with the settings on her phone, and a song began to play. “This is my favorite singer, Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness.”

“Never heard of him.”

“Most people haven’t. Just listen and enjoy.” The synth-pop beat of Learn to Dance filled the car, and Loki smiled at the chorus.

“Did you know I love dancing?”

Livvy laughed. “I suppose that makes sense.” She blushed slightly. “We’ll have to try dancing sometime, then.”

His eyes sparkled as he glanced at her for a second before turning onto the highway’s onramp. “Definitely. But next weekend is reserved for the ice. I want to see you in that dress again.”

Livvy laughed. “The feeling is mutual.”

He raised one eyebrow. “What, you want to see yourself in the dress, or you want to see me in my costume?”

She chuckled. “I’m 100% sure you know exactly what I mean.”

“Heheheh. Just wanted to hear you say it.”

“Alright, fine, I can’t wait to see you in that costume again. Not that you look half bad today. You always dress so nicely.” She looked over at his charcoal-grey skinny jeans and leather jacket, which was zipped up around a white undershirt and a grey and black houndstooth patterned scarf. His shoes were grey suede Aquatalia Ace boots.

He chuckled. “As do you, darling. I love that outfit.” She was wearing a light brown leather jacket with a fabric hood over a cream shirt featuring a red fox. Under the shirt was a dress with a chaotic splotchy orange, black, and grey pattern. She had put a pair of brown leggings and short brown combat boots that were designed with a folded over look that revealed an orange and white checkered pattern. “You look adorable in it.”

She blushed. “Well, we’re quite the team with our leather jackets. People will think we came here on a motorcycle.” Loki laughed.

“Wouldn’t that have been interesting?” He turned the steering wheel, taking the offramp and heading into the city proper. “Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle?”

Livvy shook her head quickly. “Nope. My sister rode with my grandpa once, but I opted out.”

“Why?” She paused, her face coloring as she hesitated. Loki glanced over at her, the look on his face stern. “Hey now, no fair not answering my questions when I’ve told you so much personal stuff about myself.”

“I guess… well, I’m a bit of a scaredy cat. I don’t like to see people take unnecessary risks, and I shy away from taking them myself.”

Loki raised an eyebrow. “And you didn’t want to tell me this because…?”

“Well, I mean, you’re obviously not like that. You—I mean, I literally will yell at someone if they get within a couple feet from the edge of a cliff, or lean over a railing, no matter how sturdy or safe it is. You’re not like that. You’re the type who isn’t afraid of anything, aren’t you? You’re willing to take big risks. Like, even carrying around that knife. I’d be terrified simply by its presence. You literally threatened a gang leader, who you were fully aware was well-armed, with a three-inch knife blade.”

Loki frowned. “Darling, for one thing, I don’t expect you to be just like me. I’d be disappointed if you were. For another, I think the reason that I’m willing to take such risks is mostly because I don’t respect my own life as much as I should, which really isn’t healthy in itself. I’d hardly call avoiding risks being a scaredy cat. Besides, being protective of other people like that”—he flashed her a smile—“is kind of adorable.” With a deft motion of his long fingers, Loki turned on his indicator before guiding the steering wheel to the left.

“No, but that’s the thing, it’s not just about life-threatening things. Like… you spend hours every day recklessly leaping over an expanse of hard, slick ice. I’ve never even tried any big skating moves because I’m afraid of falling. I didn’t take my chance to ride a motorcycle because I was scared we’d crash. I mean, for goodness sake, I’m even scared of being around sick people.”

Loki pulled into the zoo’s parking lot, guiding his car into an empty bay quite close to the entrance. There weren’t a lot of cars, and Loki was thankful that it wouldn’t be too busy. He switched off the ignition and sat back, looking at Livvy. “We’ve all got our fears, darling. Being afraid of hurting yourself or seeing others hurt isn’t exactly a bad one. Look at me—I’m afraid of myself half the time.” He chuckled drily. “I get so anxious about who I am that I can’t eat. So, you get anxious around sick people? So what? That’s just who you are. It doesn’t make you a sissy. I’m not saying that my problems are worse than yours. I’m just pointing out that what you’re feeling self-conscious about really isn’t as bad as you think it is. I’m sure you’ve got deeper issues in there.” He rapped his knuckle lightly on her chest. “Honestly, having someone around to remind me not to hurt myself might be useful.”

Livvy smiled gratefully, opening the car door and stepping out into the unseasonably warm 70 degree weather. “Shall we go in now?”

Loki laughed, climbing out of the car and walking up next to her, grabbing her hand gently. “Alright, add another thing to the list of what I’ve learned about you so far: when you’re complemented and feel awkward about it, you somewhat ignore what happened and change the subject.”

“Shut up,” Livvy snapped, and he looked at her with humor sparking in his eyes. They moved toward the gift shop, which was the entrance to the zoo, still holding hands. Loki pulled out his wallet, but Livvy held up her free hand. “Surprise! I’ve got a membership. You can get in for free with me, and we get 15% off in the gift shop and at Wild Burger. Which, by the way, has amazing food, as you’ll soon find out.”

Loki chuckled. “You’re full of surprises.”

Livvy made a face. “I love the zoo. Don’t judge me.”

“I am in no position to do that, darling.”

The redhead smiled, brushing a strand of short hair out of her face as she stepped up to the register and presented her card. The cashier acknowledged it and welcomed them. They stepped out of the shop and back into the sunshine. Livvy inhaled deeply. “Have you been to this zoo before, Loki?”

He shook his head. “Nope. Going to the zoo wasn’t exactly something my family really did.”

“I’d like to hear more about your family,” Livvy said, pulling on his hand slightly to guide him toward a building with a picnic table outside.

Loki frowned. “There isn’t much to tell. Odin lives on the coast now. Moved there shortly after Thor and I got our place together. So, he lives about three hours from here. Big place; we’ve always had money. We don’t see each other often, which is fine by me. I don’t get along with Odin at all, as I suppose you’ve noticed from what I’ve told you. Mother was great, but I felt like even she sometimes didn’t understand me.” He made a small noise in her throat. “You know, I don’t really want to talk about this.”

Livvy pulled herself into his arm. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up bad feelings.” Loki shrugged. “Well, here’s Wild Burger. You still hungry?”

Loki grinned, forgetting the annoyance and inner conflict he always felt when he spoke about his adoptive parents. “You bet.” They walked into the small building and looked at the chalkboard, making their decisions.

“I love how this place uses humanely raised meat,” Livvy said. “Makes you feel good about what you’re eating, when usually you feel bad for eating out because you don’t know how the animal was treated.”

Loki turned to her, his eyebrows furrowed. “You think about these things?”

“I can’t help it. At school, we watched a film called Food Inc., and it really exposed what’s going on with the animals we get our food from. Cows that are fed corn, which they can’t digest, instead of grass, and just general abuse. I only buy grass-fed beef and humanely raised pork and free-range chicken now. It costs a little more, but it’s worth it. I eat a lot of vegetarian meals to offset the extra cost.”

Loki smiled, looking back at the menu as he gave up the struggle to contain himself and ruffled her short hair with his hand. “I love that side of you. So sensitive where I’ve never even thought about it. Do you know what you’re getting?” Livvy nodded, and he stepped up to the counter, telling the cashier his order. “I’ll get an ale house burger, and she’ll have…” He paused, and Livvy quickly filled the gap.

“Chicken tenders. I’ve got a membership, too.” She flashed her card as Loki pulled out his wallet. Livvy made a noise of protest, trying to snatch his wallet away, but he held it up, easily out of her reach.

“Darling, this day is for you.” His voice was firm and somewhat dominant. “I’m paying, non-negotiable.” The girl nodded, and he lowered his arm, flashing an apologetic smile at the cashier before pulling out a credit card and swiping it.

The couple waited for a couple minutes, chatting about the zoo. Livvy informed him that it was a small zoo, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t nearly as good as a big zoo. Back where she had lived before, she had often gone to the big zoo there—which was free, as an added bonus—and she loved it, but one also couldn’t hope to explore the entire zoo in one day. This zoo was just big enough to walk around in a couple hours and relax in. The food was soon ready, and Loki took the tray before heading outside and settling at the picnic table.

He took a bite of his burger. “Wow, this is good. What kind of zoo makes such good food?”

“Right?” Livvy chuckled. “I love it. Also, fun fact about me—when I’m at a restaurant, unless it’s Italian, I almost always order chicken tenders. I just love them.”

“That’s interesting,” Loki said with a chuckle. There was a brief silence as they both dig into their food. “So, Livvy, what’s your favorite animal here?”

The girl swallowed before responding. “It’d have to be a tie between the Komodo dragons and the sand cat.”

“Ooh.” Loki chewed on one of his chips thoughtfully. “I do like Komodo dragons. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one in real life though.”

“Of course you do,” Livvy said with a laugh. “You definitely seem like the Komodo dragon type.”

“You’re one to talk, you dragon-obsessed girl.” He chuckled. “Don’t think I didn’t notice the dragon doodles laying around your house.”

“Fine, yeah, I’ve got a soft spot for dragons,” Livvy admitted with a laugh. “And komodos are the closest I’m going to get to seeing one in real life. Oh, they’ve also got a new anteater exhibit now. Those things are cool. Did you know that they walk around on their wrists because otherwise they would injure themselves with their claws?”

Flexing his own wrist, Loki winced. “That sounds painful.” Livvy agreed, taking Loki’s empty dishes and her own back to the restaurant. “Mm, that was a good lunch,” Loki said appreciatively as they began their walk through the zoo.

An hour passed quickly, filled with the two of them companionably exploring the zoo and pointing out various animals they enjoyed. Loki liked the herpetarium—“I love snakes. They’re such fascinating creatures. I’d love to have a pet snake someday.” Livvy had responded that although she also loved snakes, she had also wanted a pet mouse or a couple rats for ages, so it might be difficult for her to deal with a snake’s diet. Loki simply laughed.

The Komodo dragons were, as Livvy had said, rather impressive. Loki enjoyed the way they ambled around their enclosures. He paused at the outdoor enclosure, watching a dragon pull at a pig’s leg he had been given, a little surprised yet pleased that Livvy didn’t seem at all concerned about the pig’s leg. Clearly, she wasn’t that much of a sissy. Not at all, really, he thought with a shrug. He turned to watch her as she made excited noises, chattering on about how difficult it must be to not use one’s hands and a knife and fork to eat, how the animals seemed to be struggling to bite off a chunk of the meat. What have I done to deserve this darling girl? Loki thought with a smile. He loved how she could be so sweet and seem so girlish in this sort of situation, yet still be able to deal with complex situations such as Loki’s past in a serious, fully comprehensive manner. She was obviously smart, and retained information well—Loki could tell that was the case through the way she loved to use big words and casually spout out information she had picked up about certain subjects. They walked into the reptile building, looking at the indoor Komodo dragon, who was laying down peacefully.

“Hey, Loki?”

The man looked at Livvy with a smile. “Yes, darling?”

“Can I sketch this girl quickly? She’s in a perfect position and isn’t moving like the guy out there.”

Loki chuckled at how she knew which Komodo dragon was male and which was female—clearly this wasn’t the first time she had been here. “Of course you can.” Smiling at him, sat down on the ledge next to the glass of the enclosure, pulling out her mini sketchbook and a pencil. He watched for a minute as she drew quick, soft lines, gradually getting the shape of the animal.

Smiling, he wandered off to look at the other animals in the small building. There was a round glass enclosure in the middle of the room, and Loki moved around that, looking at the glass tanks on the perimeter. He was gazing at a particularly bright frog when a voice interrupted him. “Well, if it isn’t Loki Laufeyson!”

He turned around quickly, briefly surprised at himself for not noticing the man earlier—he had been told many times, including by his therapist when he had designed to talk to her, that he was a bit hypervigilant. The high-pitched voice had come from a man who was now standing in front of Loki. He was short, probably around 5’6”, and had short light brown hair. He was dressed in a zookeeper’s outfit that didn’t quite hide the fact that he had a slim, lithe build similar to Loki’s own. He recognized those brown eyes… “Wait—Patrick?”

“Long time no see, buddy!” Loki thought back to when he had last seen the man. He had probably been only about twelve at the time. Patrick had been a friend, but he had had to drop out of figure skating due to being unable to afford the skating fees. The man eyes Loki up and down. “You’re looking good! Are you still skating?”

“I am,” Loki responded. “What have you been doing?”

“I actually work as a health teacher at the local high school now,” Patrick said with a smile. “It’s been good. I still skate quite regularly at the rink downtown in the winter. The rest of the time I spend swimming.”

Loki nodded at the man’s figure. “I can tell you’ve been staying fit.” He glanced at the man’s face and immediately realized his mistake as a spark appeared in the man’s eye and Loki realized with a start that he was looking at him almost appraisingly. “I mean—you look like a figure skater still,” he quickly added, trying to backpedal.

“I’ve got to get back to work soon,” Patrick said. “Maybe we can meet up at a bar or something sometime to catch up.” The man grabbed a piece of paper from his pocket and scribbled something on it before handing it to Loki. “Call me sometime, and we can set something up.”

Loki shifted awkwardly and cleared his throat, not taking the paper. “Ehm, Patrick, I think I’ve given you the wrong idea.”

Patrick stepped a tad bit closer, and Loki reflexively stepped back. “I know the skating world, Loki. But ignoring your true nature just because you’re afraid that the judges might dock points isn’t fair to yourself. Think about it.” He shoved the paper into Loki’s hand. “See you around, Laufeyson!” he said as he strode off.

Loki stared at the wall for a minute, quite mortified, before he heard laughter coming from behind him. “Was he seriously just—”

Loki rubbed the back of his neck, his face heating up, as he turned around to look at Livvy. “Why didn’t you come rescue me?” He asked somewhat accusingly.

“I didn’t quite realize where it was going until the end,” Livvy replied, still laughing. “At that point, I got up to come to your aid, but at that point he had already left. Honestly, you sort of asked for it with that comment.”

Loki willed himself to stop blushing, but it wasn’t quite working. “Hey, it’s easy to identify a figure skater by their body shape,” he said defensively. “I was curious as to how he kept that up without skating, so it was a natural comment.” He sighed. “Alright, fine, it was a little stupid. I should really be expecting this sort of thing by now.”

“You mean you’ve been mistaken for being gay before?” Livvy looked at her with wide eyes.

“A few times,” Loki admitted, wondering if it was possible to turn redder than he no doubt was already.

“Why? You don’t seem…”

“I’m slim, I dress well, and I’m a male figure skater. Hence, I must be gay. Rather annoying really, especially when you stop to consider the origins of figure skating. You know it started as an aristocratic sport for men? They would show off their skills on the ice because one had to have money to have a skating rink. It only became a women’s sport later.” He tentatively looked at the paper in his hand, unfolding it and reading the writing. _Meet me for drinks sometime!_, it read, followed by a phone number. “Please, please direct me to the nearest trash can to destroy this in.”

Livvy laughed, taking his arm and leading him out of the reptile house. “So who was he, anyway?”

“A friend from back when I did group lessons,” Loki said with a shrug. “Long time ago.” He paused. “Don’t you dare tell anyone about what just happened.”

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t do that to you.” Narrowing her eyes, she continued: “But don’t think you’re ever going to live that one down.”

Loki groaned. Thankfully, at that moment, they arrived at the sand cat enclosure, and he was quick to change the subject to the cute little cat. It was hard to believe that the housecat-sized animal with huge ears was something that could survive in the wild. “I’m particularly sensitive to heat, so I’m quite in awe of animals that can survive in a desert.”

“You’re sensitive to heat? That’s interesting.”

“Yeah, the doctors aren’t entirely sure what causes it, but I can get heatstroke incredibly quickly.” He smiled. “That’s why I prefer the winter.”

“Well, that’s a problem, because I would way rather take heat over cold,” Livvy said, wrinkling her nose. “The cold is awful.”

“I’m very tolerant of cold,” Loki said with a laugh. “But hey, you like skating, and that’s a cold sport.”

Livvy shrugged. “Somewhat, but you get warm quite quickly when you’re doing it.”

“That’s a point.” They continued to wander through the zoo, finally nearing the end. They took their time looking through the gift shop afterwards, and Loki bought Livvy a stuffed animal anteater after learning of her weakness for stuffed animals.

After leaving the zoo, Loki followed Livvy’s directions to Starbucks, where they picked up two iced hazelnut coffees, which Loki learned was Livvy’s favorite drink. He drove to the park, where they sat on a sunny bench as they drank the coffees. Loki removed his leather jacket so that he was just wearing his white t-shirt and grey and white houndstooth scarf.

“It’s been a good day,” Livvy said with a smile. “This was a good idea.”

“It was, if I do say so myself,” Loki agreed. He leaned toward her and kissed her on the cheek. “You know, Livvy, you say you’re a scaredy cat, but I don’t think you are. You’re not afraid of me, for one thing.”

“Why would I be afraid of you, Loki?”

He chuckled. “You know exactly why, darling.”

“Is this about last week?” She narrowed her eyes as he nodded. “I told you, Loki, I’m not going anywhere. You’ve just got… emotional trauma. I can deal with that… or, I’ll try my best to. Honestly, I’m not very good at that at all. Consoling people isn’t my strong suit.” Livvy chuckled.

Loki shook his head. “My mother once told me that I’m perceptive of everyone but myself. I think that applies to you just as much as it does me.” His voice had become thick with emotion, and he paused, squinting up into the sky.

“Are you okay?”

He shook his head and made a small sound in his throat. “I’m sorry. It’s just—I love those words of hers and—” he stopped, swiping a hand across his eyes. “Well, we were arguing about something while at the rink—I was still trying to resist her help because I knew that she didn’t understand what I had gone through. She called Odin my father and I yelled that he wasn’t my father and—and she asked if she was my not my mother, then.”

Livvy’s eyes widened. “What did you tell her?”

Loki turned away, taking deep breaths to try and stifle the rush of emotion and not break down into sobs. “I told her she wasn’t. And then she told me that, and I wanted to apologize, but I couldn’t. So I reached out my hands to her and she… she left.” His voice sank into a whisper. “And that was the last thing she ever said to me.”

“Oh, Loki.” Livvy reached over and put her arm around his slim figure. Loki closed his eyes, taking a deep, calming breath before straightening.

“Anyway, as I was saying—I don’t think you understand yourself, sometimes.” He turned back to look at Livvy. “I don’t think any of us do. And from what I’ve seen in my experience with you, you’re not exactly callous. You’ve been really good at comforting me through all of last week’s mess.”

She smiled. “Well, thank you.”

Loki took another sip of his iced coffee and swirled the lightly sweetened liquid around his mouth before swallowing. “Tell me about your period of depression.”

“What?” Livvy looked surprised. “There’s not a whole lot to tell.”

“Well, tell me what there is. You don’t have to if you feel uncomfortable about it, but…”

“No, it’s fine. My family had just moved, and at the time, in the previous city, I had begun to feel like I might actually be getting somewhere with making friends. So moving was a little… jarring. Then my sister met her future husband, and I had to deal with that, too. On top of all that, I was attending college, doing a course I didn’t really enjoy for a semester. And learning to drive.”

“Sounds… overwhelming.”

“You could definitely say that. I just sort of felt… constantly sad. I would get angry about the stupidest things, or I would start crying over nothing. I felt like the joy in my life had been left behind. I can’t really identify what was depression and what wasn’t, but I think I sort of drifted in and out of it for about a year. I ended up having a complete breakdown whilst on a camping trip, and my mom put me on a natural mood-boosting supplement, which worked surprisingly well. I started putting myself out there and made a couple friends, and everything improved a lot. I started feeling like myself again.” She paused. “I also said during my depressed times that I wasn’t interested in getting married, but almost as soon as I finished taking the supplements, I started taking more of an interest than I think I even have before.” She chuckled. “Not sure why I just told you that.”

In response, Loki pulled her closer to him and kissed her forehead. “Thank you,” he said with a smile. “And I’m sure there’s a correlation.” He pulled her closer to his chest. “I’m grateful you changed your mind on that, darling.”

“See? Not much of a story to tell.”

Loki shook his head. “It still hurt you, and so I still want to know about it. Depression isn’t fun; I know that.”

“No kidding.”

“I won’t let you get hurt again, darling. You’re my sweet, innocent girl and I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Livvy snorted. “I wouldn’t really call myself innocent. I’ve read a few things I shouldn’t have, and I’ve thought a lot of things I shouldn’t have too.”

Loki laughed. “Quite honestly, I wouldn’t want you any other way.” The man shook the ice around in his cup, draining the last of the coffee before reluctantly standing up, taking Livvy’s empty cup as he did so. He tossed them one at a time into a trash can not far away. Livvy commented on his good aim, and Loki laughed.

“So, Thor and Jane are getting married the week after my tournament,” Loki said conversationally as they walked back toward the car. “You’re invited, right?”

Livvy frowned. “When did the invitations go out?”

“Probably about a month and a half ago. Right… they didn’t know you very well then.” He knit his eyebrows. “No matter. I’ll get you on the list if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Good. I wouldn’t want you dancing with some other woman.” Livvy gave him a cheeky smile, and he coughed to cover up the sudden flush that came to his face. “So where are you going after their wedding?”

“I’m staying in the apartment. I’ll get it all to myself.”

“How do you feel about that? Especially after all that’s happened last week.”

Loki shot her an irritated look, pulling his arm away. “You’ve got the entire wrong idea,” he said irritably. “I’m not a baby that needs looking after. Last week was hard and I was probably acting more dependent than I am, but I’m a very independent person, make no mistake.”

“I wasn’t saying you weren’t.” A flash of irritation was evident in her words now, too. “You don’t have to be so sensitive about it.”

“I am not sensitive, for the hundredth time.” Loki set his jaw, trying to stop himself from getting angrier than he already was. It was probably stupid, but he was sick of people treating him like a baby. “If you went through half the trauma I have, you would understand. You never will.”

“Don’t you dare use that against me,” Livvy snapped back. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m trying as hard as I can to understand what’s going on in your head.”

“I don’t need a psychiatrist.” He was being awful and he knew it, but it was a seriously frustrating thing for him. He was a very independent type, but last weekend had brought back so many repressed emotions that he knew that he had let those walls fall and had seemed anything but independent. He didn’t want Olivia to see him as someone weak, incapable of taking care of himself.

“Maybe if you could stop feeling sorry for yourself--”

“What?” Loki swung around to face her, seeing the angry glint in her eyes that matched his own. “I have not been feeling sorry for myself.”

“Haven’t you? You’ve taken nearly every opportunity to point out how hard your life has been. Maybe for once you should try to move past it.”

“I did move past it. You have no idea what you’re talking about. How I suffered in my past. I don’t want to remember it, don’t you understand that? The only reason I brought it all up is because I cared about you, and then that stupid man had to come back. No, you have no right to accuse me of feeling sorry for myself.”

“Then why do you keep acting like I’m so perfect and you’re so awful? Does it not count to you at all that I’m still here? A thousand other girls would have left by now because let’s face it, you’re not an easy guy to deal with.” She crossed her arms. “But I’m not an easy girl to deal with and I’m telling you how it is.”

There was a sound of a stick cracking behind Loki, and he leapt around, standing defensively. Nothing was there, and he sighed as he looked at the forest. Something inside of him deflated as he admitted to himself that she wasn’t wrong. “I can’t get out of the mess inside my head. How do you expect me to do that?”

Livvy’s eyes softened. “All I’m asking is that you try not to focus on it so much.”

“I drive myself crazy trying not to think, Livvy. I read books, I throw myself into skating, I do everything I can to stop my mind from--” Another stick cracked, and he spun around again. “Whatever animal is out there, get out and stop that,” he yelled with more ferocity than intended. Livvy watched, her head tilted slightly. “I keep waiting. I don’t know for what, but I can’t get out of this--this--expectation of something, someone, I don’t even know. I’m constantly on edge, I can’t escape it. Don’t you see? This isn’t about my own self-deprecating habits, which, by the way, I do admit that I have.”

Livvy took a deep breath. “No, I said that wrong. All I’m asking is that you don’t keep berating yourself over what happened, telling yourself that you’re not worth anything. You’re worth a lot and you need to learn to remember that. I’m not willing to give you a pep talk to tell you you’re worth something every single weekend. If that’s how it’s going to be, then I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with it.”

Loki looked away, staring at the trees around them for a couple minutes before finally moving back to Livvy and taking her hand. “I can try.”

She nodded. “That’s all I’m asking.”

“I really hate you sometimes.”

“I hate you sometimes, too.” Loki smiled and squeezed her hand. They stood for a while, hand-in-hand and lost in thought. “Do you get the sense we’re being watched?” Loki suddenly asked.

“Um, no? Well, now I kinda do, but I think that’s just because you suggested it.”

Loki shook his head, a frustrated sound issuing from his throat. “Sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into me today. But let’s get out of here anyway, okay?”

“Of course.” The two started walking along the trail back to the car, and Loki took the moment to close his eyes and breathe in the earthy scent of nature. Usually it relaxed him so much--why was he feeling so on edge? If he was being honest with himself, he had been feeling that way ever since the previous week. It wasn’t an entirely unfamiliar feeling, either, which somehow made Loki more nervous.

“...Loki? Can I ask you something? And can you promise not to get mad?”

Loki frowned. “Depends what it is.”

Livvy sighed, hesitating for a second before tentatively asking the question. “Do you have PTSD?”

Eyebrows shooting up, Loki turned his head to look at Livvy. “Do you think I do?”

“I mean—it seems to me like you do but you’ve been managing it, and what happened last week kind of acted as a trigger for you—it would explain the panic attack and the frustration and the hypervigilance.”

Loki shook his head. “I do have a diagnosis, but--I don’t want a diagnosis. We’re all different, and ultimately—I couldn’t point to one traumatic incident that would have caused that anyway. Rico was abusive, I suppose, looking back, and there was a… moment with another gang member that I don’t talk about but that’s all still relatively self-inflicted. I caused my own pain, you see that? I could have left Rico when he started hurting me, but I didn’t because I wanted to be there. He got into my head, but I think part of that is that I let him do it. The incident with the other gangster was the result of a stupid dare I took on, and he had every right to hurt me when he won.”

“What’s this incident?”

“As I said, I don’t talk about it.” He set his jaw and Livvy caught the warning in his tone and his eyes. There was a best of silence as he glanced over at Livvy. “No, nothing sexual, nothing weird.”

“I never said—”

“No, but you were thinking it. Rico wouldn’t let him kill me so he went a different route, okay? I don’t want to elaborate.” He hesitated. “I don’t think I’ve even told Thor. Anyway--as I said, I’m not looking for a diagnosis any more than I’m looking for sympathy. To answer your question straight, yes, I have been told by psychiatrists that I’ve got PTSD. But ultimately--I am who I am, and nothing’s going to change that. I’m not taking medication to change that.”

“Maybe you should, though. I mean, if it got really bad...”

They had reached the car, and Loki unlocked it. He opened the passenger’s side for Livvy, letting her get in before closing it and walking around the car to slide into the driver’s seat.

“I’m just saying, when you get anxious, you don’t tend to take very good care of yourself.”

Loki focused on reversing the car out of the parking bay and began driving off before answering. “Check out my bathroom medicine cabinet next time you’re at my house. Look, I know what I can handle and what I can’t. Last weekend was awful and sure, maybe I should have taken something, but you were there and ultimately, I was fine. I thought about it on Thursday, but seeing as I was at the station most of the day and then slept or skated for the rest, I got through it okay. I’m responsible, Livvy. I need you to stop worrying about me. I’m not the sort that wants to be taken care of, okay?”

Livvy nodded. “I can understand that. I just want to make sure you know your limits.”

“Okay.” It wasn’t quite a thank you, but Livvy sensed it would be the best she would get at the moment. Loki clearly wasn’t in the best of moods. The girl remained carefully silent—any more questions would clearly not be taken well.

About ten minutes later, Loki broke the silence as he switched lanes, heading toward the highway’s offramp. “Mind if we stop at Earthfaire quick? I’ve got a few groceries I’d like to pick up.”

“No problem at all.”

He navigated smoothly into the parking lot, swinging into an empty parking bay before getting out of the car, moving to open the door for Livvy. He may be irritated, but he hadn’t forgotten his sense of chivalry.

Why did her questions irritate him so much, anyway? He thought about that as he walked through the store, grabbing a bag full of organic apples, potatoes, and a jar of peanut butter before stopping at the meat counter to order some chicken. Vulnerability. The word popped into his head unbidden. That was it—he felt weak and vulnerable when she asked him those questions, and that wasn’t who he was. He wanted to protect her, not be some problem for her to solve. But she wasn’t saying that he was, was she? She had told him not to take pity on himself. Maybe the problem was that she didn’t want to baby him, but it had seemed that that was what he wanted—needed—at the time. He took a deep breath as his anger began to dissipate. “Livvy, darling?”

Her face brightened as she looked up at Loki, clearly pleased that he didn’t seem upset anymore. “Yes?”

“Can we go back to my place after this? I’ll get Thor to whip something up for us. I want to talk to you about something.”

“Of course.”

“I’m sorry I messed up our day, darling.”

She chuckled. “I’m not sure that you did. I rather like the fact that we had our first argument on our one-month anniversary.”

“Ehehehe. What does that foretell about the rest of our relationship?”

“I never expected to not argue,” Livvy said with a laugh. “I want to be able to argue sometimes, to be blunt and to get a reaction, if only to know that you’re listening.”

“Actually, I quite agree. I always hated it how when Thor and I would argue, he wouldn’t ever hit back. There’s nothing worse than being ignored.” He grabbed a box of granola off the shelf. “Olivia, do you know where the eggs are?”

She grinned mischievously and rubbed her belly. “I’ve got a few somewhere in here.” Loki snorted and shoved her away playfully.

“Go find me some, preferably from a chicken.” He shook his head as he watched her run off to find them, chuckling about her words. He made a face as he headed to the freezer aisle and tossed several bags of broccoli into his cart.

Livvy popped up again, a scowl on her face. “Oi, you’re not supposed to disappear to an entirely different aisle so that I can’t find you again when I’ve gotten what you asked for.”

“Eheheh. Come on now, I’m the one who’s supposed to be telling you what to do, not the other way around.”

Livvy raised her eyebrows. “Is that so? Dominant Loki, coming out here?

”  
Loki flashed her a grin but said nothing, grabbing a gallon of milk before heading toward the checkout. “Anything you want to get while we’re here, darling?” As they stood in the line, he whipped out his phone and started texting, glancing under his eyebrows at Livvy’s face.

“Hm… want some strawberries for dessert?”

Loki grinned. “I have a feeling you’re starting to understand how I think about food.” The phone chimed with a text, and Loki looked down again. “Alright, Thor’s making chicken with paprika, baked potatoes, and broccoli. That alright with you?”

“Sounds divine actually.”

Loki paid for the food, and soon they were back in the car, the grocery bags stowed safely in the boot. The car ride was uneventful, as Livvy continued to play music from her phone, causing Loki to comment a couple times on tunes he liked. “I bet I could do a free skate to this,” the man commented as Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness’ Fire Escape started playing. “When looking for songs, generally we want something with a good, gentle sound to it. Not too many variations in pitch. This song is probably a little too fast-paced, but it’d be fun to have a go at. Exhausting, but fun.”

“Exhausting but fun is good,” Livvy said with a smile. Loki snorted as he turned into the driveway. “What was that for?” Livvy asked, crossing her arms.

“Nothing, darling.”

“Get your head out of the gutter, Loki.”

“Your presence makes that difficult,” he said with a wink, before parking. He pulled the keys out of the ignition and walked to the boot of the car, opening it and grabbing a couple paper shopping bags, grunting slightly at the weight. Livvy took the last one and closed the boot firmly behind her. “Hey, could you grab the door?” Loki handed the keys to Livvy, his muscles straining at the heavy load.

Livvy unlocked the door to the apartment building, and Loki followed her up the stairs to his apartment. “Other key on there,” Loki said briefly, and Livvy inserted it into the door to the apartment, unlocking it after a second and opening it for Loki, who stepped in quickly. He rushed to the kitchen, where he dropped the bags on the floor, rubbing at his fingers. “Whew. Remind me not to put gallons of milk in these bags.” He looked around the kitchen, noticing three pieces of seasoned chicken in a pan on the stove, which was still turned off. Clearly Thor had decided to wait for them to arrive, knowing that the meal wouldn’t take long to make.

Livvy laughed and leaned over to pick up a gallon of milk, grunting slightly as she picked it up. Loki’s eyes darkened as he grabbed the milk from her, setting it on the counter before turning back to her. Quickly and unexpectedly, he grabbed her wrists and pushed her to the wall, holding her hands above her head with one hand. “This, darling, is what I wanted to tell you,” he began, speaking in a whisper. “I’m not going to be the weak one in this relationship. We can be more or less equals, but I would like some measure of authority, some measure of… oh, you know what I mean. I don’t want to be weak for you, darling. That’s not who I am at all. I’m strong. Stronger than you know, I’d bet. Inside and out. I’m a bit of a mess at times, but I want to be something different for you. If you want me to be someone to take care of, you need to tell me and I’ll back off now, because I can’t be that. That’s not who I am most of the time.”

“I know that, Loki, and I don’t want that. I want you to be who you are. I want you to be that strong guy I know you are.”

A breathless smile crept across his face, and he covered her mouth in a sharp, demanding kiss, still not releasing his hold on her wrists. His free hand wandered to wrap around his hip, where he pulled her slightly closer.

“Tsk tsk, Loki, this is why you need a chaperone.” A deep voice, featuring a mix of amusement and disgust in it, spoke up.

Loki let out a short, breathless chuckle as he stumbled backwards. “Thor!”

“What was that, Loki?”

The dark-haired man crossed his arms. “I wasn’t going to actually do anything.”

“Looked pretty advanced,” Thor said, laughing. He looked over at Livvy, whose face had turned a bright red. “Don’t let him bully you; I know he loves it.”

“She’s perfectly capable of pushing back,” Loki muttered. “Come on Thor, I wouldn’t—”

“I’m not saying you would, not purposely at least. I just don’t quite trust your sense of self-restraint once you get carried away.”

Livvy chuckled. “I’m rather inclined to agree with you there, Thor. I’ll keep him in line. I just wasn’t expecting… whatever that was.”

“Well, start expecting it,” Thor said, raising his eyebrows. His brother scowled at him. He couldn’t help but admit to himself that Thor was probably right, though. Even now, he was struggling to calm himself again, to get his heart rate and, er, other parts to settle down again. Would I have actually… he swallowed hard. Probably best that I make sure we’ve got a chaperone from here on out.

Loki walked toward the microwave as Thor turned on the stove to cook the chicken. As he passed Livvy, he reached out an arm and gently touched her arm. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” She chuckled quietly, biting her lip and shaking her head. _Well, shoot. So much for calming down. _

“Stop that,” he said with a huff as he stabbed the potatoes with a fork.

Blinking, Livvy looked at him innocently. “Stop what?”

“That lip biting thing.” She had moved to stand close to him in front of the microwave, and he spoke quietly. “It… does things to me and I really don’t need that right now.”  
She laughed outright at that, causing Thor to look nervously over his shoulder. Loki placed the potatoes in the microwave and turned it on. Leaning on the counter, he turned his head toward Livvy. “Seriously though, you’re fine with that? With what I’ve told you?”

Livvy nodded. “I think I’ll figure out exactly what you mean as we progress. I’m willing to ride it out and try, at least. That’s what dating’s for, after all, isn’t it?”

Loki smiled. “Sure is.”


	9. Stitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going off of mythology Loki... we get to hear a little more about his past traumas, and Loki learns the answer to whether or not his PTSD can be dangerous to others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fairly intense chapter, maybe? Idk. I'm fairly proud of it though.  
I researched these medications A LOT, but I've probably still messed them up somewhat. Tried my best.

It was the next Saturday, and Loki and Livvy were making sandwiches in the kitchen before they would leave for skating. Livvy had wanted to make them beforehand, but Loki had pointed out that his house was close enough to the skating rink that it really wouldn’t be too difficult to stop there. Fenrir danced around at Livvy’s feet, hoping that she would drop a couple crumbs for him. Livvy had returned the dog, since the danger of Rico oddly appeared to have passed, and she was feeling quite safe again. Loki watched as Livvy spread a layer of mayonnaise on the bread before scooping a packet of sweet and spicy tuna on top. She closed the sandwich, cut it in half, and handed the plate to Loki. “There you go. You can give that one to Thor, if you’d like.”

Loki nodded and walked down the hallway to Thor’s room. The door was open, so he stepped in, seeing the blonde man sitting at his computer with his headphones on. “Here’s some lunch for you,” Loki told him, placing the plate on the desk next to his older brother.

“Thanks.” Thor smiled at Loki quickly before going back to his computer work.

Loki walked back toward the kitchen, pausing and rerouting as he noticed Livvy standing in the living room, listening to the radio, which was playing. It was the John Tesh radio show, and he was explaining something or other. “Hey, what are you—”

Loki was cut off by Livvy slapping a hand over his mouth to silence him.

Suddenly the world seemed to go fuzzy around the edges, and all Loki could focus on was the feel of fingers against his lips, poking them with a sharp object that felt cool and metallic in his mouth, a contrast against the warm, dark taste of blood, grimy fingers on his lips pulling, tugging… Loki’s hand shot out with a speed he didn’t know he possessed, grabbing the wrist attached the the hand over his mouth, pulling it upwards slightly before slinging Livvy’s body to the floor. Her shoulder collided with the wooden flooring with a sharp bang and she screamed.

The haziness cleared from Loki’s vision immediately. “What—oh my goodness, Livvy! I’m so sorry!”

“Loki! What—agh, my shoulder!” Her teeth ground together as she forced herself through the pain. “Why—”

“I don’t know, I—I’m sorry, I’m sorry—” he had collapsed on the floor next to Livvy, the shock at his actions making him forget what to do next. He looked up as heavy footsteps rapidly approached, and saw his brother run up to them.

“Loki, what happened? Did you—” He looked at Loki’s pale face in surprise, quickly turning his attention back to Livvy. He moved to her shoulder, gently touching it with his fingers. “I think it’s dislocated. Don’t worry, we can fix this. Loki, hold her still, I’m going to pop this into place.” He looked Loki in the eye. “This will hurt.”

Livvy nodded, clenching her jaw. With a swift movement, Thor shoved at the arm, and a sick popping sound filled the room, punctuated by a brief scream from Livvy. She panted as Thor pulled away. “Okay, that feels better now. I bit sore, but okay.”

Loki sat back, grateful that she was okay, but feeling the adrenaline and the sudden realization of what could’ve happened hitting him. He jumped up quickly, running through his room and into his bathroom, just making it to the toilet before vomiting up coffee and bile.

The man kneeled there for a minute, panting, before flushing the toilet and walking to the sink, gratefully rinsing his mouth with the water. He stared into the mirror, tracing his fingers carefully along his lips, trying to piece together what had happened. A flashback, obviously. How could it have been so easily, so casually, triggered? His stomach spasmed again, and he dry heaved into the sink. Well, he had wondered if he was capable of hurting Livvy. Now it appeared he had an answer, even if he hadn’t realized through the fog in his brain that it had been her he had thrown to the ground. He stared into his own green eyes in the mirror. An explanation was definitely owed her and Thor, whether Loki felt like giving one or not. It had to be done. He took a deep breath, trying to chase away the last of his nausea. He grabbed some mouthwash from the medicine cabinet, swishing it quickly around his mouth before spitting it out and leaving the bathroom.

Back in the living room, he noticed that Livvy was now sitting on the couch, pulling her knees close to her chest. Thor was sitting to her left, holding an ice pack to her injured shoulder. Loki walked over and sat quietly on Livvy’s right side, putting a comforting hand on her knee. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “It wasn’t you I was throwing to the ground, if that’s any consolation. Not in my head, at least.”

She nodded, offering him a small smile as he pulled a blanket off of the floor next to the couch and wrapped it around her. “You haven’t got a very strong stomach, have you?”

He chuckled humorlessly. “Only figured that out now?”

She noticed his dismal expression and gave him another small smile. “Seriously, though, I’m fine now, Loki.”

“No, you’re not. You’re shaking. I’m sure you’re terrified that your boyfriend could do that to you.” He ran his fingers through his hair before leaning forward, covering his face with his palms. “You didn’t hit your head at all, did you?”

“No, I mostly landed on my shoulder. I’ll have a few bruises in the morning, but I’ll be okay. It’s okay, Loki. You obviously didn’t do it on purpose.”

“If you had hit your head—oh, darn it, this could have gone so much worse.” He lifted his head, throwing his arms out in frustration. “I’m not supposed to use fighting moves on you. That was a pure defensive body-throwing move; I knew exactly what I was doing.”

“But you didn’t know who you were doing it to,” Thor spoke up. “We all know self-defense, but it’s a case of when we decide to use it. I think you owe us an explanation of who exactly you thought you were using it on, Loki.”

Livvy turned to squint her eyes at Loki. “I did something to trigger you, didn’t I? What exactly was that?”

Loki shifted in his seat, leaning back slightly and running his fingers over his lips again. “Ehm. I really didn’t expect that reaction; I’ve never had a moment to… explore whether or not that could affect me, since…” He shook his head. “You touching my mouth like that, it—it was a perfectly normal thing for you to do, but it—I don’t know, it triggered a sort of flashback.”

“Flashback to what?” Thor asked. “I thought you’d told me most of what happened, but this isn’t lining up with anything I know.”

Loki fisted his hands. “I really don’t like to talk about it. It was stupid. A stupid bet that I lost, and had to bear the punishment for. Self-inflicted, really. I wasn’t the one doing the punishing but I might have well have been. I caused it to happen.”

There was a sharp intake of breath before Livvy spoke. “This is what you were referring to in the park?”

Loki nodded stiffly. “Thor… remember how you said the doctors had to sedate me to give me the—the, erm. To fix my arm?” He rubbed his arm where it had been cut two weeks prior, trying to feel the healing scar underneath his long-sleeved shirt.

“To give you stitches?”

Loki flinched. “Yes.”

“I don’t get it, what does that have to do with any of this?”

“I made a bet that one of the gangsters couldn’t get hold of a gun. We were drunk at the time; it was a bad decision. He said he’d shoot me to prove me wrong if he got it, and I laughed and said he would never be able to get away with that, which he admitted was probably true, but promised he’d think of something else if he won the bet. If I won, I’d get his favorite knife.”

“That doesn’t exactly sound fair.”

Loki shrugged, toying with his lower lip. “Well, I agreed to it. Whether or not it was stupid is beside the point. I wouldn’t exactly repeat it, I—” He stopped. “I think I’ve still got some scars from it, but they’ve faded to the point that you’d really have to look.”

“So he got the gun. What exactly did he do to you, brother?”

“Nothing I hadn’t suggested to him. I was the Silvertongue. I’m the trickster, for goodness sake. It’s not as if I didn’t have a backup plan, so I pointed out the Silvertongue thing and—he was a craftsman. Always designed various weapons for us. Was sewing a slingshot one day and I sort of planted the idea in his head in such a way that he wouldn’t realize I had done it. Listen, if you give these guys an inch, they take a mile. I had realized that I had messed up, so I had to give him a way to hurt me without, I don’t know, permanently maiming me or something. But something bad enough that he would go for it.”

“You’re not being very clear. This is a rather disjointed explanation,” Livvy pointed out.

“I’m sorry, I—helvete, his isn’t easy. I don’t like the idea of… reliving this, it hurt, it was humiliating, there was blood everywhere and Rico had to take care of it because I couldn’t even handle it myself, couldn’t see what I was doing through the blood that was choking me—” Loki felt a hand on his back, and heard Livvy gently shushing him. He realized just how fast and frantically he had been talking, and took a deep breath to calm himself.

“You don’t have to tell us.”

“I do.” His voice shook. “I hurt you because of it. If I hurt you, then you’ve got every right to hurt me by asking that I explain this.”

“What? Loki, that’s not what I’m doing. I’m not asking you for payback. I just want to know.”

“I know.” His voice was quiet. “I just—don’t tend to think like that.” He clasped his hands together, closing his eyes for a minute, his fingers not leaving his lips. The warm, syrupy taste of his blood that had lingered for days afterwards, the pain that kept him up at night, the unnatural sound of Rico’s laughter as he felt Loki’s blood on his fingers, roughly undoing what the other gangster had done. Loki’s body tensed. “He probably congratulated the man who did it,” Loki spat. “He enjoyed having my blood on his fingers.”

“Who? Rico?”

“I don’t know, both of them. I didn’t cry, you know. I took it like a man, I took it like the person Rico wanted me to be. It was all fair and square, although fishing line, I mean I was sure he would at least have used cotton thread. I’m lucky it didn’t get infected, although I suppose I drank enough alcohol afterwards to ward that off.”

“I’m completely lost,” Thor admitted, shaking his head.

“Wait.” Something sparked in Livvy’s eye. “He was trying to silence you?”

Loki nodded. _Please figure this out. I’m not sure I can say it myself._

“With… stitches?”

“Needle and fishing line,” Loki choked out, his jaw clenching and his fingers twitching by his lip. Livvy leaned closer to his face, her hands lifting up to trace his lips until she quickly stopped herself. Considering what he had done last time, that didn’t seem wise. She squinted slightly, and finally saw it—small, round, white marks trailed along the edge of his lips, both at the bottom and the top.

“Oh my…. Loki.”

“Thank goodness,” he gasped, realizing she had figured it out. He dropped his head back against the couch, squeezing his eyes shut.

“What? What is it?” Thor asked quickly.

“He—he sewed Loki’s lips together.” Thor clapped a hand to his mouth, and Loki got up, walking back to the bathroom. He had a strong desire to throw up, despite the fact that there was nothing left in his stomach. He needed to do something. He shut the door behind him and sank to the ground, his back resting against the wall across from the toilet. He leaned forward, forcing out a dry heave, before collapsing back again. _They know, now. They know the extent of the torture I went through when I was away. They know the extent of my humiliation in that room. The pain I went through, what I chose over all this. Over my family. Why? Why did I do that?_

He stood up, moving shakily over to the sink. He reached above it and pulled out a small pill bottle. His hand shook as he stared at it. Should I? Am I that bad? Do I want to go back to this? Do I have a choice?

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts, and he jumped. _Curse me and my skittishness. _“Loki? Are you okay?” The voice was quiet and female—Livvy. Loki looked back at the bottle in his hand, absentmindedly moving his other hand and turning the doorknob, opening it. Livvy stared at him, unsure what to do. “Are those…”

“Anti-anxiety drugs. Yeah.”

“Have you taken any?”

“Not yet. Debating.”

She walked behind him, wrapping her arm around his waist. “I want you to know that we’re not judging you for what happened, now or then.”

Loki grunted. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Definitely. No worse than any of your falls on the ice.” Loki gave her a sideways smile.

“I usually don’t dislocate my shoulder while skating.”

“You’re too hard on yourself, Loki. It’s not your fault. It was just a simple psychological reflex.”

“I wish I could just forget it all and move on.” His voice sounded flat and emotionless.

“I always thought that was interesting,” Livvy said suddenly, her interest piqued. “You know the psychologist Sigmund Freud? He always felt like traumatic memories were repressed in the subconscious. But if that was the case, PTSD wouldn’t exist, would it? Seems like a flawed theory to me.”

“You should have been a psychologist.”

“Nah, too much interaction with people. I’m not good at that.”

“Could have fooled me.” There was a moment of silence. “Sorry, I’m not doing a very good job with this normal conversation thing.”

Livvy said nothing, and Loki turned the pill bottle in his fingers, listening to the rattling sound of the capsules moving. “What’s your reasoning for not taking them?” Livvy asked tentatively.

“They kind of… dull my senses, I suppose. I feel not quite like myself. I’m relaxed, but, I don’t know, I’m so used to being tense and ready to fight that I don’t know how to behave when I’m stripped of that feeling.”

“So… you don’t know how to be normal?”

“I can achieve that on my own when I’m skating, or when I’m in nature, or even at the group meetings—there, I feel safe and in control and not like I need to be on guard all the time.” His fingernail scraped the top of the pill bottle.

“You still want to go to the rink after this?”

“We should. I’m not really sure I feel like it, but I need that relaxation. Are you okay to skate? You’ve been… sort of beaten up by me.”

“Hardly. My shoulder hurts, but other than that, I’m completely fine. I want you to eat that sandwich before we go, though.”

Loki’s lip twitched. “Might have to wait a while, then.”

“I can wait.” They stood in silence for another couple minutes, until Loki glanced at Livvy with a questioning spark in his eye. “I’m not going to tell you what to do,” Livvy told him gently. “I know you don’t want me to, and I respect that. I’m fine with whatever you decide.”

“Thank you for that.”

“Are you feeling any calmer, or?”

“A little.”

“What’s bugging you the most?”

Loki shook his head. “Please, Livvy, don’t.” He ran his fingers through his thigh black curls. _I’m horrified that I hurt you, and I can’t stop thinking about that needle now that I’ve brought those memories back up. I’m still feeling shaken and weird, as if I’m losing my grip on myself. I don’t know what to do or how to act, _he thought to himself, answering Livvy’s question in his head. _I feel humiliated for letting myself get in that situation. For putting myself there. Why is everything my fault? Why can’t I be stronger in front of my girlfriend?_ His hands shook as he pressed down on the lid, twisting to deactivate the child safety mechanism. He shook two tablets out of the bottle, shoving them into his mouth and drinking from the tap to wash them down his throat. Then he quickly closed the bottle again, shoving it back into the cabinet and slamming it closed. He leaned forward, taking a shaky breath as he held onto the sink with his hands. Livvy rubbed his back, and he straightened after a minute, leaving the bathroom, heading to his queen-sized bed, and laying down on it. He stroked the dark green cotton duvet cover with his fingers. “Those’ll work in a minute,” he said, closing his eyes and willing himself to relax.

He heard the bed creak slightly as Livvy climbed on, laying down next to him. He pulled her head into his chest, smelling the soothing scent of her hair. “You smell good.”

Livvy chuckled. “Lavender conditioner, I suppose.”

“Mm. I probably smell like sweat or something.”

“I don’t know. I don’t dislike it. You’ve got a tough, manly smell.”

Loki chuckled, feeling his body relax as the medication kicked in. “I don’t know if that’s the vibe I’ve been giving off today.”

“Not to me. I’m quite impressed with how you threw me to the ground there. And also, think about it. You’re quite brave. I don’t think I could have stood to have that whole… thing happen to me, yet you sat there and bravely took it on.”

Loki opened his eyes slightly. “Well, it was my own fault. The object was to humiliate me and I wasn’t going to give him more than he could forcefully get from me.”

“Mmm. I call that brave. Come on, you stayed with that gang when I would have run.”

“Was that such a good idea, though? I’m capable of violence, and you’re saying that’s a good thing?” Loki smiled slightly and ran his fingertips through Livvy’s short hair.

“No, no, not that. But you held your own. You didn’t get killed. I mean, not to be weird or anything, but… that’s quite an accomplishment.”

Loki laughed quietly. “I suppose so.” He closed his eyes again, relaxing against the pillow behind his head.

“Mm, your heart rate has finally gone down to what I assume is normal.”

Loki chuckled. “I wasn’t honestly aware it was any faster than normal.”

“It was.” Loki opened his eyes briefly to gaze down at her head on his chest, and noticed that she had closed her eyes, too. “I think I’m in love with you, Loki.”

“I think I’ve got the same condition.” He twisted a strand of her hair around his finger gently. “I love you too.”

“Mm.” Silence fell between them. Soft footsteps paused outside the door, and Loki looked up through lowered eyelids to see Thor, ever the helpful chaperone.

“Thor?” He asked quietly.

“Yes, brother?”

“Could you get me something to drink?”

Thor smiled gently and nodded before turning back to the kitchen. Loki closed his eyes again, his fingers still clutching Livvy’s hair. The weight of sleep caught up to him, and he felt a sense of peace as he drifted toward the darkness.

***

Loki opened his eyes, wondering at the weight on his chest before remembering Livvy. She had also fallen asleep, and looked infinitely peaceful, her hair spread across Loki’s light grey T-shirt. He felt a wet patch on his chest from her drooling in her sleep, and chuckled. His mouth felt like a desert, scratchy with its desire for moisture, and he turned his head to his nightstand to see a bottle of Gatorade there. Thor had obviously left it for him. He reached out gratefully, shifting into a slightly more upright position while trying not to wake up Livvy. He drank the sweet liquid greedily before stretching his arms in front of him and yawning. He gently lifted Livvy’s head off of his chest and lay her on the pillow next to him, causing her to groan to herself. She opened her eyes as he pulled off his shirt and got off the bed, walking to the dresser to find a new one for himself. “Hey, Loki,” she said softly, her voice thick with sleep.

“Good afternoon,” he said with a smile.

“How long were we asleep?”

“Only about an hour, I think. It’s 3:00 now.” Livvy yawned, sitting up. She began to stretch her arms before stopping with a wince, grabbing her shoulder.

“Let’s see the damage I’ve done,” Loki said authoritatively, walking over to Livvy’s left side. He gently pulled her long sleeve shirt collar sideways to reveal her shoulder. Ugly purple bruises were appearing around the joint, and Loki winced. “Does it hurt a lot?”

“Yeah, it does, actually,” Livvy admitted. “Is that normal?”

Loki nodded. “To some extent. It’ll probably take a couple months to heal completely.”

“What? I thought that once it was back in place, it would be fine.”

Loki smiled wryly. “If it was, darling, I wouldn’t feel nearly so terrible about it. Can I get you some painkillers?”

She nodded. “That sounds pretty good.”

“I’d actually like to get that checked out by a doctor,” Loki said. “You might want to keep it in a sling or something for a while.”

“No, I’m sure it’s fine. I really don’t want to go to the doctor.”

“Please, Livvy? I’ll take you to urgent care. It would give me a lot of peace of mind to know that nothing else is going on around there and it’s okay. Then we can go to the rink or whatever.”

“I really don’t like doctors.” She sighed. “But I guess, if you insist… just… can you stay with me the whole time?”

“Of course, darling.”

She gave him a small smile. “Think I’ll be needing some of your anti-anxiety meds.”

Loki laughed. “Those are prescription-based, Livvy. Sorry.”

“I’m rather surprised you went to a doctor for them.”

He shrugged. “Mother made me go when I got back home after… everything. I do take care of myself, darling.” He gave her a kiss on the head and moved her arm in a bent position, as if in a sling, before gently lifting her from the bed, bridal-style, and carrying her to the kitchen.

“Hey, my legs still work,” Livvy laughed.

“That won’t stop me from babying you, darling. I heard there are some uneaten sandwiches in here and I’m starving. Find yourself something to drink; I’m going to go get you some Ibuprofen.”

“Thank you,” she said, and he set her down on her feet again before leaving the room. He grabbed a couple pills for her before coming back into the room and handing them to her. She gulped them down with a glass of water she had gotten for herself. He noticed that she was holding her arm as still as she could, and he came over and gave her a guilty hug. “I’m so sorry, darling. I feel terrible about this whole thing.”

She smiled gently. “It’s okay. It was an accident, that’s all. Everyone makes mistakes. I could have just as easily gotten this from skating.”

Loki looked at her. “Actually, that’s a good story.”

“What?”

“I mean, unless you want to tell them what really happened.” He paused. “I suppose I deserve it if that’s what you decide. But, um… people will ask questions, including the doctors at urgent care… I’ve a feeling they’re going to think I’m abusive or something.”

“Woah, I didn’t even think of that.”

“Mmm. If we go ahead and say it was me, I could get in trouble. I mean, it’s up to you. I’m not going to ask you to lie.” Loki moved to the fridge and took out the forgotten tuna sandwiches. He took a bite of his before turning back to Livvy and handing her a sandwich.

“I’ll tell them it was an accident, and if they ask, I’ll tell them that you’re a figure skater and you’ve been trying to teach me some moves. That way, I won’t outright lie, but they’ll figure it’s from that.”

“Thank you, darling.” He took another bite of the sandwich. “I must say, this is good tuna.”

Livvy chuckled. “I really think those meds are good for you.”

He wrinkled his nose. “Maybe. But I don’t want to get too dependent on them. I feel weirdly calm right now. Feels like I’m… actually on drugs, you know? It’s technically an antidepressant--something called a tricyclic antidepressant. It’s for anxiety, panic disorder, and PTSD. But it’s got some side effects I don’t like, and one can easily become hooked on them.”

“So I was right about the PTSD thing?”

Loki hesitated. “Well, yes, I told you I’ve been told that I’m being treated as if for PTSD, but that doesn’t necessarily mean--look, as I said, I don’t like to label things. Can we please talk about something else? I might be calm right now but I’d rather not discuss any more of this stuff today. Let’s focus on you, darling.” He walked over to Livvy and, setting aside his sandwich for a moment, lifted her up by her waist so that she was sitting on the counter. “There. Now we’re eye-level.”

Livvy chuckled. “You really have got too much energy.”

“I just took an hour-long nap, for goodness sake.” He frowned. “Where do you suppose Thor is?”

Livvy shrugged. “Why?”

“I feel like I should talk to him.” He spoke quietly.

“Why’s that?”

“A number of reasons,” he said vaguely, waving his hand. “Not really in the mood to discuss it.” They finished their sandwiches quietly.

Loki headed toward the door. “Are you ready to go?”

“Go where?”

He walked over to her and put a hand gentle on her uninjured right shoulder. “To the doctor, silly. Don’t think I’ve forgotten.”

Livvy looked at the floor. “I really don’t like hospitals.”

“You’re not going to the hospital, darling. It’s urgent care. It’s different.”

“Is it?” Her voice shook slightly, and he wrapped her in a hug, being careful not to hurt her shoulder. “Still a place where dying people go and there’s blood and—”

“Shh. Quiet, darling. I’ll be there. I won’t leave your side. Give me a chance to take care of you.” He wiped a tear off her face and she nodded shakily.

“Come on, darling, let’s go.” She followed him as he walked out the door and down the stairway toward the door, quietly now.

He climbed into the car and looked over at her as she fumbled with her seatbelt, trying to buckle it with one hand. He reached out and put it in for her. “I really am sorry, Olivia. This is my own doing and I’m fully aware of that. I’m surprised that I’m not freaking out about that more than I am.”

“I think it’s a good thing you took those pills,” Livvy said with a shaky laugh. “I need you calm.”

Loki put a hand over hers. “It’s not just the pills, darling. I’m keeping myself calm through my own will as well. It’s taking up a large portion of my mind to do it. It’s like, a compartmentalized portion of my brain that works on keeping a smooth front for the world. Sometimes it’s more successful than other times, and it works most of the time but when it isn’t, that’s what the anti-anxiety drugs help out with. Calms the part of my brain that's fighting it.” He glanced over at Livvy, to see her listening intensely. “You alright, darling?”

“Keep talking. It distracts me.”

“It’s going to be okay. I can’t keep talking about myself, please. I mean, I can talk about other stuff, but I really don’t want to keep talking about my… issues anymore.”

“Skating?”

“Hm, I suppose I can talk about that. Practice has been going well enough—I’m still struggling with my triple axel, although the change in music makes it seem more natural. It’s definitely one of the hardest skating moves, unfortunately also one of the highest pointers though. I want to do well in the contest—it’s only a small thing, but I want the prize money if nothing else, and I like the idea of winning. Probably wrong of me, but whatever. Too bad.” He turned the steering wheel into the parking lot of the urgent care center and sighed. “I’m sorry, Livvy, but here we are.”

Livvy set her jaw and nodded, visibly paling as they walked into the center. Loki stood next to her, hoping that his presence was at least somewhat of a comfort. Her silence unnerved him a bit, and he wondered for a minute if this is how he acted when he was having one of his panicky moments—but no, hers seemed a little different in her stoic silence and ragged breathing which seemed to indicate that she was on the verge of tears. His panic attacks didn’t usually include crying.

They neared the reception desk, and Livvy looked up at Loki suddenly. “Can you talk?” He nodded briskly, guiltily realizing that he was enjoying taking care of her.

“Hello,” he said to the receptionist. “This is Olivia Reynolds. She dislocated her shoulder a couple hours ago and I wanted her to be checked out.”

The receptionist raised her eyebrows. “You had it relocated?” she asked, addressing Livvy.

Livvy merely nodded, and Loki took over. “My brother’s had a bit of athletic training, so he knew how to handle it. We thought it best if we reinserted it quickly.”

“I wouldn’t have recommended that course, but I’ll let the doctor tell you about that,” the receptionist said. Olivia looked extremely intimidated by the receptionist, and Loki’s hand twitched with the sudden desire to slap that know-it-all look off of the woman’s face.

“Could we just have the papers to fill out?” He tried hard to keep the irritable impatience out of his voice. There was a bit of a fine line here--he really didn’t feel like getting talked to about hurting his girlfriend.

The receptionist handed Livvy a clipboard, and the two sat down on a chair in the waiting room. Livvy started filling out the papers. “I hate all the questions doctors insist on asking,” she muttered.

“Darling, they’ve got your best interests at heart.” He put an arm around her, inadvertently giving himself a clear view of the clipboard and the information she was scribbling on it. “Sorry, do you mind me looking at this?”

She shrugged her good shoulder. “Not really.”

There was a pause, and Loki found himself scanning the paper. One eyebrow went up. “You’re on birth control?”

“Hey, I said you could look, not ask questions. It’s for my skin. Hormone regulation or whatever. Nothing else.”

He chuckled. “Never said anything.” He was silent as she turned the page, filling out the rest of the paperwork. “If it costs you anything--if the insurance doesn’t cover it all, I mean--I’ll pay the extra. It’s my fault, after all.”

“It was an accident, Loki.”

“Yes, and if it had been a car accident or something, I would be paying out. It was an accident, but I was in the wrong. Don’t argue this with me, Livvy--I want to make up for it somehow.”

“Won’t you allow me to pay for anything? You’re a librarian, not exactly a high-paying job.”

Loki chuckled. “Come on, darling. I want to spoil you.”

She offered him a small smile, and got up to turn in the clipboard. The receptionist took it, typing a few things in the computer as Livvy sat back down next to Loki, looking nervous again. He put his arm back around her and held her close. “It’ll be fine, darling.” She simply nodded.

A nurse stepped out of the door then--a blonde, slightly chubby female who was probably in her thirties. “Olivia Reynolds?”

“That’d be you, darling.” Loki stood up with Livvy. “Mind if I come back with her?” He asked the nurse.

“Sure, right this way.” She led them down a corridor and into a room. “Olivia, could you sit on the bed?” She got up obediently, and Loki sat on a chair in the corner.

“So, you dislocated your shoulder? What happened?”

“Um, yeah. He’s a figure skater and we were fooling around and I, um, fell on it.” Livvy’s voice shook slightly, and Loki was filled with the desire to hug her.

“My fault, really. I was being an idiot.”

The nurse laughed, looking at Loki. “These things happen. Could you take off your shirt, Olivia? I want to check out your shoulder.”

Loki raised his eyebrows. “Er, do you want me to leave, Livvy?”

She shook her head quickly. “It’s fine.” She pulled off her long sleeved shirt, being careful and deliberate in moving her left arm. Loki couldn’t help but watch, hungrily eying her narrow waist and then feeling awful for having such thoughts when she was clearly trying not to freak out. He eyed her leopard print bra appreciatively, trying to quiet the part of him that wanted it off.

“Alright, let’s check this out,” the nurse said soothingly. She looked at the purple and black bruises on Livvy’s shoulder. “This looks pretty typical of a dislocated shoulder. Still, I’d like to get an x-ray of it. I’ll get the doctor in here for a second opinion.”

She smiled as she left the room, and Loki stood up and walked up behind Livvy, putting his hands carefully on her bare shoulders and feeling her tremble under his touch. “I’m sorry, darling.”

“Can you… not?” Loki moved his hands quickly. “I’m sorry--this is awkward.”

Loki smiled, trying to ease the tension. “Let’s not pretend I don’t enjoy seeing your body.”

Clearly that wasn’t the right thing to say, as she shook her head quickly, sudden tears falling down her face. “Please, don’t.” Loki stood there, at a bit of a loss for a moment, until he realized that she obviously had no idea what she wanted at this moment. He walked around to face her and wrapped her in a hug, ignoring her protests.

“Shh, darling. I was only joking. You’re fine. They’re just going to give you an x-ray, it won’t be too bad. You’ve had those before, right?” He pulled back slightly to look at her, and she nodded, wrapping an arm around his back to pull him closer again. “I’m so sorry this day isn’t going as planned, darling. I’m right here. We’ll be fine.”

She sobbed into his chest. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why--” she stopped, her voice breaking. Loki rubbed his hand along her spine, shushing her until she began to calm down.

“The doctor will be here in a minute. Let me get you a tissue.” He released her and turned around to grab a tissue out of the box in the room, and she quickly took it and tried to clean herself up a little. Loki moved closer and wiped some smudged mascara off from under her eyes. “Everyone has their fears, Livvy. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Deep breaths--those always help. We’ll go get some chocolate after this or something, okay?”

Livvy let out a half laugh, half sob at that, offering him a small smile as her breathing evened out a little. “Thank you.”

There was a brief knock on the door and Loki gave Livvy one last pat on the back before moving to stand next to her, crossing his arms and leaning on the bed as the doctor stepped in. He was slightly shorter than Loki, with short, straight dark brown hair and kind brown eyes which lit up with recognition on seeing Loki. “Hey, you’re the man who came in with the arm injury a couple weeks ago, aren’t you?”

“I suppose I am. I don’t honestly remember it very well.”

“You were certainly in quite a state,” the doctor said with a chuckle. Loki’s eyes narrowed slightly but he said nothing. “How’s the arm doing?”

“It’s healing fine, I think. Doesn’t hurt at all anymore.”

“Good to hear. Could I have a look?”

“Going to get us both shirtless here?” Loki asked with a laugh, trying not to betray his nervousness in order to keep Livvy calm. He unzipped and removed his hoodie and followed that with his white long sleeve shirt before stretching his arm out for the doctor to look at.

“Looks like the dissolving stitches worked okay. We didn’t want to have to sedate you again to get them out,” he explained, laughing. “You’re quite strong when you’re upset about something, you know that?”

Loki shifted uncomfortably. “Yes, I do.” He glanced over at Livvy.

The doctor moved over to look at Livvy’s shoulder. “So what _really_ happened here? I would say that this wasn’t a simple blunt force landing injury.”

“Really?” Loki raised his eyebrows. “She did land on her shoulder.”

“Yes, but I’d say it was half twisted out of the socket before that.”

Loki sighed and glanced over at Livvy, who seemed at a loss as to what to say. “Honestly, it was my doing. She accidentally triggered a sort of flashback for me, and… I reacted badly and grabbed her by the wrist to throw her to the floor.” He hesitated. “Will I get in trouble for this? It really wasn’t a domestic abuse issue; we weren’t even arguing when it happened.”

“I won’t report you unless it happens again,” the doctor said. “But that sounds like an issue that needs to be addressed. Unaddressed issues like PTSD can put your loved ones in danger in situations like these. Imagine if you had a knife or something in your hand--can you vouch for how you would’ve reacted?”

Loki paled. “What would you suggest?”

“Have you been subscribed medication for this?”

“I’ve got a tricyclic antidepressant that I take occasionally, when I’m in a rough patch.” He paused. “I’m actually on it right now.”

The doctor nodded. “I’d recommend staying on it for a while, and perhaps getting some counselling. I can prescribe a refill if you’d let me do a quick examination, if you’d like.”

“I don’t like taking it, though,” Loki admitted. “It… makes me feel all wrong.”

“A lot of people describe that. It doesn’t make you feel suicidal or anything, does it?”

Loki shook his head quickly. “No, no, not at all. It’s just--it dulls my emotions a bit and I don’t like the side effects.”

“I’m not really sure why you’ve been put on that. I’d suggest switching… could I pull up your medical history?”

Loki glanced at Livvy, who was listening with some interest. “Shouldn’t we be focusing on her first? Not that I mind you checking me out, but--”

The doctor nodded. “Certainly. Would you mind if I get the nurse to give her an x-ray while we chat here? You wouldn’t be able to go in to the x-ray room anyway.”

Livvy nodded, and Loki put a hand on her arm. “I’ll be waiting,” he said quietly.

The doctor walked over to the door and spoke to someone in the hallway, and a minute later, the nurse came back in. “Here, put on this gown and we’ll head down,” she said cheerfully, hanging Livvy a hospital-style gown. Livvy shivered slightly, and Loki squeezed her hand before she got up and left the room.

“She’s a little terrified of doctors,” Loki explained as he looked at the doctor, who had moved his swivel chair over to the computer and was typing in information.

“I thought so,” the doctor said with a laugh. “You’re afraid of needles and she’s afraid of doctors, eh?”

Loki said nothing as the doctor pulled up his file and scrolled through it. “Ah, so I think they were treating you more for anxiety and depression last time.” He whistled. “You have got quite the background, haven’t you? Attempted suicide, hm. You’re not still depressed, are you?”

“No, I’m in a good patch right now, but of course it can always come back.”

“Struggling with your anxiety, though? This list mentions that you’ve likely got a form of PTSD.”

“Yes, that’s probably correct. I ran into someone from my past not long ago and… it brought a lot of stuff back for me. I’m sorry, are you a psychologist?”

“I minored in it in medical school,” he explained. “I’ve thought about opening my own practice a couple times--I find it all very fascinating. I don’t mean to pry, just trying to find the best course of treatment for you.”

Loki nodded. “Of course.”

“So it doesn’t look like you’ve ever been prescribed Prozac before?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Alright, well I’m going to write up a prescription for that. I want you to take it once a day, and I think you would benefit from seeing someone about all this.”

Loki sighed. “I really am not good at talking about my issues. I’m a very private person and I just don’t love the idea.”

“Well, think about it carefully, if only for the sake of your loved ones.”

“I will.”

“Okay, well I’ll send this in to the pharmacy. It should be ready within a few hours. Obviously, don’t start taking it until the antidepressant is out of your system. If you experience prolonged periods of dizziness, nausea, trouble sleeping, anxiety, tiredness, or sweating, please let me know.” The door opened and Livvy walked back in, sitting next to Loki and leaning into him slightly. He grabbed her hand again, looking at the doctor as he continued talking.

“It’s unlikely, but you need to contact me immediately if you experience hallucinations, loss of appetite, muscle twitches, unexplained fever, decreased interest in sex, a prolonged erection, or anything else that seems unusual.” Loki’s face reddened and Livvy twitched next to him, appearing both uncomfortable and amused.

“Right. Okay.”

“Alright then, moving on to Miss Olivia here.” He pulled up her x-rays. “A bit of torn tissue, but nothing too worrying, from what I can see.” He zoomed in. “Yep, it all looks okay. It’ll take two to three weeks to heal, probably. I’ll give you a sling to keep it in until it heals--you want to try and keep it still to heal the tissue.” He opened a cabinet and handed her a sling. “You’ll want to wear easy to put on, loose-fitting clothing for the rest of today at least, and try not to move the arm too much. A button-up shirt would probably be a wise option.”

Livvy nodded, picking up her shirt from the chair and moving to put it back on. “I wouldn’t recommend that, really,” the doctor said apologetically. “Have you got anything else to wear?”

Loki grabbed his hoodie and handed it to Livvy. “Here, take this, you can just zip it up all the way.”

“It’ll be way too big for me,” Livvy protested. She still had a slightly terrified look on her face.

“It’s fine. I’m not that much bigger than you, and you don’t have to move your arm a lot to put it on. Come on, now, that’s it.” Loki helped her slip her injured arm through the sleeve before moving on to the other side and zipping it up for her. “There. It looks fine. Now let me help you with this sling.”

“Alright, well that’s it for me,” the doctor said, turning away from his computer, where he had been writing out a prescription. “You should be okay with over the counter painkillers for the shoulder. Anything else either of you wanted to talk about?”

“I think that’s it,” Loki said. “Thank you.” He finished arranging Livvy’s arm in the sling and stood up, throwing on his own shirt. “We can go now, darling.”

***

Loki put another mouthful of chocolate cake into his mouth and groaned appreciatively. “This is so good.”

“I’ve always wanted to go here,” Livvy said with a chuckle, taking a bite of cake herself.

“It was a great idea.” The two of them had gone to a small cafe for chocolate cake to unwind from their doctor’s visit. “And the fact that you’re wearing my hoodie over nothing but your bra makes it even better.”

“Stop,” Livvy said, blushing and slapping his hand as he reached out for another bite of the chocolate cake in the center of the table. She looked around, making sure nobody had heard the flirtatious comment. Loki smirked, enjoying her discomfort. “Maybe it’d be for the best if some of those side effects the doctor was telling you about came true,” she shot back.

Loki choked on a bite of cake, laughing. “Hope you’re not referring to the last one.”

“You know exactly which one I’m referring to, creep.”

“Hey, come on now.” Loki chuckled, placing another forkful of the sweet cake into his mouth. He chewed it slowly before swallowing and licking the icing from his lips. He looked up, catching Livvy’s eyes watching him intently. “Ohh, I know that look. Don’t pretend you’re so innocent, darling.”

Livvy blushed. “Oh, back off.”

“I’m already across the table, love.”

“Ooh, that’s a new one.”

“What is?”

“Love, instead of your typical darling.”

“Felt too generic for a beautiful girl like you,” Loki purred.

“Not sure how beautiful I am, but thanks.”

“Hey, I’ve seen quite a lot now and I love all of it.” He licked icing off his fork. “You’re absolutely gorgeous.”

Livvy blushed. “Well. Thank you. I’ve seen you shirtless a couple times and you’re pretty good yourself. I can say I’m unimpressed with your strength, either.”

Loki laughed. “Alright, let’s stop flirting, lest this ends badly.”

Livvy snorted. “You started it.”

“Valid point.” He pulled out his phone, feeling it vibrate. “Steve’s calling.” He raised his eyebrows. “Weird. Hello?”

“Hello Loki, this is Steve.”

“Hi Steve. How are you doing? I’m at a cafe with Livvy right now.”

“Sorry, is this a bad time?”

“I don’t think so. What is it you want to discuss with me?”

“Well, Thor told me it’s been a hard day for you and I just wanted to check in.”

“Oh. Yeah, I’m fine. Livvy and I just got back from a visit to the doctor. I sort of accidentally hurt her shoulder—”

“Yeah, Thor told me about that.”

“Did he tell you about the…”

“He said you had a flashback to a traumatic incident from a few years ago. He didn’t go into the details.”

“Okay. Thanks.” He stood up and looked at Livvy, pointing to the bathroom, indicating where he was going. She nodded, and he walked off. “Hang on a second, I’m going somewhere more private.”

He stepped into the one-stall bathroom and locked the door. “I just want you to know that I’d never have hurt her on purpose. I’ve made over my personality the best I can. This was… I didn’t see her. I saw someone else, someone from my past. It was a flashback and I reacted like it was happening in real time. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not judging you for that. Would you ever consider getting treatment for this?”

“Actually, I just got described some new PTSD medication from the doctor. I’m debating therapy. Do you want me to go through with it?”

“It’s up to you, Loki. So you’ve got PTSD, then? I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah… I only really decided to accept that recently. Having flashbacks triggered by normal events is a definite sign.”

“I can look up some information on the website and send it to you, if you’d like.”

“Thank you, I would.” Loki sighed, leaning against the wall. “I really think Livvy’s been awesome for me through all of this. I hate the fact that I hurt her.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it too much.”

“I’m trying not to.”

“Good. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

“I’m fine right now, but thank you.” He said goodbye and put the phone down before unlocking the door and taking a deep breath as he walked back to the seat. Livvy was sitting there, looking down as she pushed the remaining cake around on the plate.

“Hey, darling. Steve just wanted to check in.”

“Are you okay?” She looked up, noticing his more somber tone.

“Mmm. Just tired, I suppose.”

“Want more cake?”

“I’m fine, you can finish it.”

“Loki…”

“I said, I’m fine,” he snapped. They sat in silence for a while, until Livvy began eating the cake again. Loki sighed heavily. “Sorry. I’m never sure how to react to kindness from others, and Steve…”

“Is intimidating?” Livvy finished with a chuckle.

Loki frowned. “I mean, I could beat him in a fight. But—maybe intimidating in his overwhelming goodness.”

Livvy laughed. “I find it really amusing how you think about whether or not you could beat someone in a fight.”

Loki offered her a small smile. “It’s actually something I do with everyone. Sort of a reflexive thing.”

“So… Tony?”

“I’m not sure, he might be able to beat me by using his expansive drone collection to spy on me. Hand-to-hand though, yeah, I bet I could win.”

“Bucky?”

“Bucky used to be a trained assassin for the army; did you know that? He’s fairly small but very muscular. I think we’d be pretty evenly matched.”

“You’re pretty confident about this.”

“Of course. I dedicated years of my life to learning this kind of thing.” He paused. “I should teach you some basic self-defense moves.”

“I know enough to use car keys in your favor and go for the person’s eyes if they’ve got you.”

Loki frowned. “That’s something, I guess. Do you carry around pepper spray or anything?”

“No. Never really saw the point.”

“Okay, I’ll get you some.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m worried about you! You’re so innocent and small and beautiful and anyone could decide they want to hurt you and you only know the basics of how to fend them off. And I’ve literally got an angry gang leader, and thus an entire gang, somewhere around here who wants to hurt me.”

“Wow, thanks for that.” Livvy paled slightly. “I don’t love that idea.”

“That’s why I gave you Fen for a week.”

“I thought Rico gave up?”

“I can’t ever be sure,” Loki admitted. “Seems a bit too easy, really.”

“Don’t be negative about it.”

“I’m not, I’m being realistic. There’s a difference.”

“Okay, I agree with that. I’m a bit of a pessimist myself.”

Loki chuckled. “Alright then. I promise I won’t let him hurt you. But I’d still like you to have something.” He snuck another bite of cake as his phone buzzed. He took it out of his pocket and looked at the message. “My prescription is at the pharmacy. Could we pick it up on the way back?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. Where are we going?”

“I don’t know. I think our skating plans were ruined long ago—I don’t want you skating with one arm. We’ll have to wait.”

“And the wedding is next week. Wow.”

Loki frowned. “We’re going to have to find someone else to chaperone. I think we need one.”

Livvy chuckled. “Yeah… probably. Unless your side effects—”

“Oh, shut up.” They laughed. “Thor and I are having some friends over tomorrow. Jane, Wanda, and you are invited to come join Thor and I at our place. We were going to make a pizza.”

“It’s supposed to snow tomorrow, isn’t it?” Livvy asked.

“Yeah, just a little though. There’s a massive snowstorm passing just North of us. We’re simply catching the edge. So much for the weathermen saying there’s a chance of it warming up again.”

Livvy laughed. “Yeah, it’s unseasonably cold instead!”

“At least cold means frozen ponds and ice. I love the cold weather.”

“That makes one of us.” They laughed, standing up to head to the car. “But sure, I’ll come tomorrow. Need me to bring anything?”

“I don’t think so. A dessert, maybe?”

“Okay. How about some brownies?”

“Sounds good to me.” Loki started the car and they drove toward the pharmacy.

“Hey, Loki?”

“Mm?”

“Thank you.”

Loki narrowed his eyebrows. “For what, love?”

“For being with my at the doctor earlier. For calming me down and not acting like I was stupid.”

“Oh, darling. I loved being able to take care of you for a change. I’m sorry that it turned into a thing for me as well.”

“I’m glad we’re both addressing our issues,” she said with a chuckle.

“You haven’t got any issues.” Loki smiled. “Being afraid of doctors isn’t an issue.”

“That’s not true, but okay. Thank you, though. Really.”

“You do realize that the only reason I had to go to the doctor with you was that I hurt you, right?”

“Still,” Livvy said stubbornly. “You stuck with me and you comforted me despite the fact that you’ve got other things to worry about. If nothing else, that bodes well for the future.”

“Ooh, we’re talking about the future already?” Loki raised an eyebrow and glanced at her briefly before looking back at the road.

“Well, you are planning on going forward with this, aren’t you?”

Loki smiled, a warmth in his chest. “Darling, there’s nothing I’d like more. We’ll take it slow for now though.” He paused, reaching over with one hand to touch her thigh. “I do love you, Livvy.”

“I love you too, Loki.”


	10. Snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so long! I think it's pretty full of action, though, so it should go fairly quickly. There's a pretty intense flashback/nightmare and some somewhat graphic(?) descriptions of violence, some vomiting, and... yeah. I'm not sure why I keep throwing that in, but like Loki's really skinny and a figure skater in this so I figured some sort of eating issue would be fitting to the story. I haven't really got a thing for people getting sick or anything, ahaha. It just sort of happened this way. Okay, I'm going to shut up now.
> 
> I'm so sorry I keep torturing Loki. My profuse apologies.
> 
> I tried my best with this one so don't hate me if it's inaccurate, haha.
> 
> Also--it might be hard to differentiate the flashback from what's really happening--I did it that way for a reason, so that we can see this more from Loki's perspective.
> 
> He's also sort of trying to backpedal because he's fell for Livvy far too fast and he's uncomfortable with that. Livvy's... not. She's a bit of a hopeless romantic, I guess, lol.

Conversational voices filled the house with bright laughter. It was Sunday evening, and Wanda, Livvy, and Jane were at Thor and Loki’s house. In the kitchen, Loki smiled to himself as he slid the uncooked homemade pizza into the oven. He could clearly hear Livvy talking to Wanda in the other room, telling her about the antiques store she was currently drawing a floor plan for. Thor’s voice was also heard, as he talked to Jane about the wedding plans.

Loki straightened up, setting a timer on the oven and moving toward Livvy and Wanda. “Hello, Wanda,” he said with a nod. “Glad you could come.”

“It’s good to get away from the baby over at Clint’s place,” Wanda said with a laugh, and Loki remembered that Clint’s wife had just delivered a baby about a month ago. “Thank you for inviting me.”

“Pleasure.”

Livvy smiled and looked at Loki. “So, I didn’t know you could make pizza.”

“Mm, there’s still some things you don’t know about me, yet,” he said with a wink. “Can you come help me with something in the kitchen, darling?” Wanda smiled and moved off to speak to Jane, and Livvy followed Loki to the kitchen.

“What do you need help with?” She asked.

“Making a salad. I don’t really necessarily need help, but… I wanted to talk to you.”

Livvy smiled. “Well, I guess we’re making a salad, then!” She opened the fridge with one arm and handed Loki a head of lettuce. He pulled a wooden cutting board out of a cabinet.

“Thank you.” He dropped his voice slightly. “So, I started my new meds today.”

“Good for you. How are they working?”

“It’ll take about two weeks to really build up in my system enough to notice the difference, apparently. So far, I’m not feeling any side effects, so that’s good.”

“I’m glad to hear that, at least.”

Loki looked at her sling. “How’s your arm doing, love?”

“It’s alright. A little sore though. It was really stiff this morning, and the bruise looks awful.”

Loki nodded, looking down as he chopped the lettuce with quick, easy strokes of a knife. Emotions warred inside of him—guilt, love, affection, want, self-hatred, anger… he couldn’t even identify them all himself. His mood the night before had taken a downward spiral, and he remembered crying himself to sleep over the thought that he had hurt Livvy and then once again acted so weak and helpless in front of her. He didn’t want that, at all. He didn’t want her pity or really even her forgiveness for her injury. He glanced at her briefly, noticing that she was watching him carefully. Loki wondered if he was showing too many emotions on his face. “Livvy, it’s okay if you’re upset at me for what I did to your arm.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t be. You didn’t do this to me, not in my mind at least.”

Loki sighed, scraping the chopped lettuce into a glass bowl before turning to focus on Livvy. She was wearing a green and black plaid button-down fleece shirt, neatly tucked into a soft grey pencil skirt. “You look fantastic, by the way.”

She chuckled. “Sling doesn’t get in the way?” Loki offered her a guilty smile and shook his head. “You look good yourself. I always like how men look in suits.”

Loki laughed, glancing down at his slim-fit black suit, light blue shirt, and royal blue tie. “Well, thank you, darling.”

She stepped at little closer to him, standing on her tiptoes to give him a quick kiss on the lips. Loki smiled, and hesitated a moment before leaning down a little to give her a deeper kiss in return. They broke off a minute later, panting, and Loki chuckled, turning around to chop up a red onion for the salad. Livvy walked over to stand on his left side, wrapping her right arm around his waist as he worked.

“This feels good,” Livvy said with a dreamy smile. “Being with you, making food in the kitchen. I hope we can keep doing this forever.”

Loki paused mid-chop and looked at her seriously. “I’m a little nervous to talk about the future, Livvy, because there’s a lot that you still don’t know about me and my issues, and… I know that they affect me, even in little ways, and can make me a… less… easy person to get along with than I would be otherwise.”

“Don’t you think I know almost everything about your PTSD by now?” Livvy didn’t let go of his waist, and leaned her head against his shoulder.

“Love, you’ve seen me when I’m slipping, not when I’ve fallen. When I slip, I get shaky and agitated, but when I’ve fallen, that’s… that’s an actual flashback, and I had a very quick one when I hurt you, but that was relatively minor and I completely collapsed when I realized what I’d done. But usually they last longer, and it’s just… me completely falling apart. I’m rather good at controlling it now, but… it still occasionally happens. Often at night, when I’ll have a nightmare, and… those usually don’t end well. Thor knows how to handle it but you, darling—I worry about that because I’m not sure you want to be involved with all of those issues. I’m terrified of you seeing that.”

“Loki, I’m prepared for whatever. It’s not all in your control when that happens. I can’t judge you for your past.”

Loki sighed, turning to her so that he looked directly into her eyes. “Darling, I need you to know that I went through literal torture in my past. The whole… thing from last night was just one of those situations. Rico enjoyed torturing us, threatening us with very real punishments if we did something wrong. Even if we didn’t, he’d do it to intimidate us… and because I think he… enjoyed cruelty. I was too stupid, too blind, let him get in my head too much to leave, even though I could have, probably. I blame myself for it, but in any case, I was severely beaten quite regularly. Whatever you can imagine, I’ve probably been through. These things won’t just go away, and I need you to understand that. But I also need you to understand that I don’t want your pity. So, there’s that—I’m not going to be easy to live with, I’m not going to have stable emotions, because I’ve been broken and I can’t simply be fixed. And yet, despite that, I’m who I am, and I don’t want to be the pathetic man who has no authority. I want to be the strong one for you.”

Livvy’s expression varied from horror to pain to sadness to acceptance, and finally she squinted at Loki, looking confused. “So what are you saying?”

“Nothing,” Loki said after a moment’s hesitation. “Just letting you know what you’re in for. You can walk away at any time, and I won’t judge you. I guess I just want to warn you. It’s not a matter of _if _ you’ll see me at my lowest point, but rather _when_ you will. Ask Thor about it. I have no control over myself in those situations and I’ll lash out and say things I don’t mean.”

Livvy nodded slowly. “Okay. Well then, I guess that’s something I’ll try to prepare myself for. What would I do in those situations?”

The dark-haired man stared at her for a minute, at a total loss. “I have no idea. I actually have no idea what to do with myself then, so I really can’t give you any advice. I’ll see if we can talk to Thor about it at a future date.”

“Well, thank you.” She hesitated, looking away. “It makes me really angry that someone would hurt you like that.”

Loki made a humming sound in his throat, shaking his head and looking conflicted. Livvy seemed confused by the response, but she ignored it and moved to fish a tomato out of the fridge as Loki went back to chopping up the onion. “Thank you,” he murmured as she handed the red fruit to him. “So, what do you think of the extreme temperature drop today?” He asked, desperately lightening the mood. The day before, the temperature had been in the forties, and now it was somewhere in the twenties, and still dropping.

“It’s ridiculous,” Livvy said with a huff. “I hate it. I really hope that there’s at least a fairly good snowfall. More than an inch, at least.”

“They’re only forecasting an inch, love,” Loki pointed out, grinning.

“Well, they could always be wrong. To me, if it has to be cold, it should at least snow.”

“I like snow, so I won’t argue with you.”

The oven timer beeped, and everyone cheered as they filed around the kitchen’s island. Loki pulled the finished pizza out of the oven, eyeing the bubbling cheese and nicely risen crust appreciatively. He loved making a good pizza.

Everyone began grabbing plates, piling salad and pizza slices on them before wandering off to sit on the couch or the floor next to the coffee table. Loki and Thor wound up on the couch, while Livvy sat on the floor, leaning against the couch between Loki’s legs, and Jane followed suit, leaning against Thor’s leg. Wanda sat between the two women.

Thor started up a conversation about his rugby team, and Loki smiled as he listened amiably. It was so nice, sitting here in the company of friends, eating pizza. Finishing off his second slice, Loki leaned forward and set the empty plate on the coffee table on top of Livvy’s own empty plate. “Come here, Livvy,” Loki said, pulling her up so that she was sitting on the couch between his legs, with both of her legs draped over one of his, and her head resting on his shoulder.

“You’re making me jealous,” Thor said, and Jane laughed, standing up and sitting back down on her fiancé’s lap. Fenrir trotted over and licked at Wanda’s hand before settling down next to her, his head in her lap. “Looks like we’ve all got somebody,” Thor laughed.

“We should watch something on the tv,” Wanda suggested. “I think America’s Got Talent is on tonight.”

“Oh, that’s always fun,” Livvy agreed.

Loki chuckled. “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen it.”

“What?” Livvy gasped. “Who are you, and have you been living under a rock?”

Loki laughed. “Alright, guess we’re watching it, then.” They spent an hour watching the show, laughing at some of the more ridiculous acts and gasping over the really impressive ones. Loki enjoyed the magic performance the best— “you know, I know how to do some magic tricks”—, while Livvy and Wanda loved the gymnastics performance. Thor and Jane fell head over heels for the young boy who could sing country music perfectly.

They were getting quite interested in a dance act when suddenly the show was interrupted by a news broadcast. “We’re sorry to interrupt your program,” it began, and Wanda interrupted it with an irritated groan, complaining about missing the act. Loki gestured wildly with his arm, successfully halting her thought as he listened to the news anchor. “—snowstorm has moved South, and is now affecting cities where previously we estimated would only receive minor snowfall. If you are in one of these areas, prepare for a blizzard—hunker down where you are; we don’t recommend driving in these conditions.”

Thor raised his eyebrows. “Has anyone looked outside recently?”

Loki noticed that Livvy was bouncing slightly on his knee, and he chuckled, amused by her excitement. She jumped up, grabbing Loki’s hand and pulling him with her as she headed toward a window. Loki gazed in horror at the white-out conditions. Fat snowflakes filled the air, falling quickly and wildly, blowing harshly in the fierce wind. “Thor… I’m afraid no one’s driving home tonight,” Loki said slowly, paling a little as his heartbeat sped up. Livvy noticed the sudden tenseness in his muscles, and looked up at his face, a question in her eyes. Loki quickly shrugged, willing himself to stay calm. “Sorry, just surprised, that’s all. Guess we’re having a sleepover, eh?”

Wanda laughed. “Well, this was unexpected.”

“Exciting, though,” Livvy said, and Jane laughed in agreement. “How will we sleep?”

Thor glanced at Loki. “Well, two of you girls can share my bed…. Wanda and Jane, probably.”

“Livvy, you can have my room,” Loki said hurriedly.

“No, I can just sleep on the couch.”

Loki shook his head. “That’d leave me sharing my bed with Thor, and that’s not going to happen.”

“But where would you two sleep then? The couch only fits one.”

“We’ve got a blow-up mattress, don’t we, Thor? I’ll just stay on that. Or, worst comes to worst, the floor. I’ve slept on worse. At least this one’s carpeted.”

Wanda raised an eyebrow at that. “You’ve slept on an uncarpeted floor?”

“Concrete alleyway, actually, although I was probably closer to passed out,” Loki said briefly, enjoying the shocked look on Wanda’s face. “Long story.” He waved his hand dismissively.

Thor’s voice interrupted Loki’s thoughts. “Brother, are you sure…”

Loki gave him a pointed look as he picked up the dirty plates on the table, moving to place them in the kitchen. Thor took the hint and followed him, speaking quietly. “You look pale, brother. What’s going on?”

“I’ve been… struggling a little with my emotions recently and I’m really worried about nightmares,” he murmured. “I don’t want anyone to see what that’s like.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to just sleep with me in your room?”

Loki smiled. “Thor, you’re awful to sleep next to. And he last thing I want is you in my bed.”

“I’m not that bad.”

“I pity Jane,” Loki said, shaking his head jokingly.

“That’s the spirit, brother,” Thor said with a smile. “It’ll be fine. I’ll be right there, so even if you do experience something, the others probably will be none the wiser the next morning.”

“Yes, I’m sure if I wake up screaming, they’ll all just sleep through it,” Loki said sarcastically.

“You don’t do that a whole lot,” Thor pointed out.

“No, but I still make some sort of noises, don’t I?”

“Well, yes, but trust me, nothing’s going to happen. Just… sleep. Don’t try to keep yourself up over this. You know how that goes.”

Loki nodded. “Heimdall would kill me if I forced myself to stay awake, anyway.” He sighed. “Okay, I’ll be fine. Just--stay in the room with me.”

Thor nodded briskly. “I’m going to make some hot chocolate, you want some?”

Loki yawned and nodded. “Don’t tell anyone about this, okay?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t do that.”

Loki headed back to the couch, feeling reassured. “Hey guys. So, you’re definitely sleeping here tonight.” He sat down and Livvy resumed her previous perch on Loki’s lap. “You’re sleeping in my room, darling, and Thor and I will stay in this room, like we decided earlier. Thor’s making hot chocolate now.”

Wanda stroked Fenrir’s head, looking up at the tv, which had gone back to showing America’s Got Talent, although no one was really interested in the program anymore. “Thor, I love your dog,” Wanda called.

“Actually, he’s mine,” Loki said with a chuckle.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t think you were the dog type.”

Loki gave her an amused smile. “Not sweet enough, mm?”

“Loki,” Livvy said, giving him a light punch in the ribs. “Don’t make her feel awkward.”

“Ehehehe. Sorry. It’s fun. No, I’ve always had a thing for huskies. I found Fenrir here at a low point in my life, in a gutter by the side of the road. He was only about a week old, dirty, and clearly dying. Gave me something to live for. I bottle-fed him every hour, on the hour, for a couple weeks.”

“Wow,” Wanda said appreciatively. “That’s amazing.”

Loki shrugged. “Yeah, that was just before Thor started encouraging me to join the group and I was still struggling with getting back into skating. My mother had just died, and there was also the whole initial PTSD and depression issue coming back up. He saved my life.”

Livvy raised her eyebrows, looking at Wanda. “I didn’t even know this. That’s amazing.”

“You’ve got PTSD?” Wanda asked.

“Mm. Didn’t really mean to say that much.” He gave her a small smile, rubbing the back of his neck. Livvy leaned her head on Loki’s shoulder and whispered a question. “I’m fine, darling,” he whispered back, giving her a kiss on the forehead.

“You sure? You’re being very open again and you only get like that when you’re feeling kind of anxious.”

“You’re not wrong. Don’t worry about it though. I’m not entirely sure the reason myself.”

“Okay.” Loki ran his fingers through his hair. That vaguely anxious feeling clung to the back of his mind, and he couldn’t seem to shake it off. There was a sudden movement in Loki’s peripheral vision, and his whole body tensed, startling Livvy, who lifted her head and looked up at Loki, concern in her eyes. Loki grimaced, frustrated with himself, as he realized that the movement was merely due to Thor walking into the room, carrying steaming mugs of hot chocolate in both hands. He set one in front of Jane and one in front of Wanda, pausing to squeeze Loki’s shoulder before walking back to the kitchen.

Realizing that Livvy was still staring at him, Loki put a hand in her hair and gently pushed her head back onto his shoulder. “Relax, darling.”

“I think I should be saying that to you.”

“I’m sorry.” He sighed. “Could we put on a movie or something?”

“Ooh, I like that idea,” Jane spoke up, taking a sip of her hot chocolate. “This is excellent, by the way, Thor. Could use some rum though.”

Loki laughed. “I like that idea.”

He heard Thor’s laughter from the kitchen. There was a clink of bottles, and he walked back into the room, measuring out an ounce of the liquid and pouring it into Jane’s drink. “Who else is of legal drinking age?” Thor asked with a chuckle.

“Just me,” Loki replied, laughing. “Livvy’s only 20.”

“You want some anyway?”

Livvy shook her head. “No thanks. The only alcoholic drink I like is brandy and coke, or those fruity cocktail things.”

“Ooh, illegal drinking?” Loki raised an eyebrow.

“You can talk,” Livvy said with a laugh. “I’ve still no idea what you’ve gotten into, but I’m sure it’s not all legal.”

Loki frowned, amused. “I think the worst thing I’ve taken are prescription painkillers—when I didn’t need them, obviously. Actually was addicted to them for a while. There was heroine around, and that was quite interesting, although I hate the feeling of losing control.”

Wanda choked on her drink. “Alright, clearly I don’t know anything about you.”

Loki smirked. “Mm, I’ve got quite the history, darling.”

Livvy frowned. “Hey.”

“What? I told you--” He was interrupted by Thor walking back into the room and handing him and Livvy their hot chocolates. Loki thanked him, and took a sip, enjoying the silkiness of the chocolate combined with the added warmth of the alcohol. It was deeply calming, just as he had hoped it would be. “Mm. That’s good.” He settled back on the couch slightly, and Livvy yelped as her hot chocolate sloshed precariously in the cup. He smiled, watching as she placed the drink on the side table next to her before settling her head on his chest.

“That’s better,” Livvy murmured unexpectedly.

“What is?”

“Your heart.”

Loki chuckled. “Mm, I’ve got my own personal heart monitor here.”

“Yeah.”

“So, movie?” Jane interjected. “What kind of movie do you guys want?”

“Horror,” Loki suggested, and Livvy raised her eyebrows at him. “What?”

“You’ve got anxiety and you want to watch a horror movie?”

“That’s about right.”

“Okay, well unless it’s In Fear, I’m vetoing that.”

Jane laughed. “What in the world is In Fear?”

“The only scary movie I’ll watch,” Livvy said with a chuckle. “It’s not that scary but it’s really good.”

Thor spoke up. “How about we don’t watch R-rated movies with Wanda here?”

“Aww, come on,” Wanda said, laughing.

“And also, Loki, stop looking for excuses not to sleep tonight.” He frowned at him.

Loki’s eyes went hard. “Thor.” His tone was a warning.

“You asked for it, brother.”

The girls looked from one to the other as the two men had a silent standoff. Finally, Loki broke it, taking a deep sip of his drink before collapsing back on the couch. “Why don’t we have the girls choose the movie?”

Livvy kissed Loki on the neck in an effort to soothe him, and Loki smothered a sudden intake of breath. Wow, that felt good. He turned to her. “What would you like to watch, love?”

“Ooh, we could watch Big Eyes.”

Wanda looked up quickly. “Yes, yes, yes, let’s totally watch that.”

“I’ve never seen that,” Jane said. “Doesn’t it have Amy Adams in it?”

“Yep. It’s about an artist whose husband steals her work,” Livvy explained.

“Sounds fine to me,” Loki said, relieved that it had been taken out of his hands. “I haven’t seen it either.”

“Awesome. It’s on Netflix, too,” Wanda said.

“Good!” Thor sat on the couch again, and turned the tv on, navigating to Netflix on the Roku tv.

They spent the next couple hours watching the movie, and Loki enjoyed losing himself in the storyline. It was truly a great movie, with lovely acting and a surprisingly fair portrayal of the Witnesses. Every now and then, Livvy would jump up to check on the snow, and Loki would chuckle at her childish excitement and ask her for an update. Apparently there was nearly a foot of snow on the ground now. “I hope you guys can get home tomorrow,” Loki murmured, eyebrows shooting up.

“Why? Do you want me to leave?” Livvy teased him, pulling at his dark curls with a grin.

“Of course not, darling, but you might not want to stay too long,” he said, laughing. The end credits started to roll, and Loki groaned as he stretched his arms before checking his watch. “We should get ready for bed. It’s almost midnight.” Loki looked around, suddenly realizing that there were three girls in dresses and skirts in the room. “Thor and I will find you girls something to wear, I suppose.”

Thor laughed. “Jane, Wanda, come to your room and I’ll show you around and you can find something to put on.”

“Guess you’re coming with me then, darling,” Loki said, pushing Livvy off of his lap gently before standing up. She followed him to his room, and he took a moment to inspect the dark green bedding. “I changed the bedding on Friday, is that alright?”

“Of course,” Livvy said, shifting on her feet. _Pretty awkward situation we’re in here, I suppose._ Loki fought against the sudden urge to push her onto his bed, and swallowed hard as if to stifle the thought. He walked quickly over to his dresser, and, opening it, pulled out one of his button-down flannel shirts. “This should work for you, right? Should be long enough.”

“I guess so,” Livvy said, raising her eyebrows slightly. “Yeah, I guess it’ll do.”

There was a sudden clicking sound, and the room went dark. “Power out?” Loki asked, thankful that the darkness hid the sudden fear he felt. He hated to admit it, but the darkness reminded Loki of the basement of the building Rico and the gang had lived in for a time, and where he had often been beaten. Having control over the light was fine, but having no control as to whether the room was light or dark—Loki shuddered. A sudden touch from Livvy startled him, and he jumped back, breathing heavily for a second before quickly calming himself with a colossal effort. “Sorry, darling. I’m right here.” He was not going to show his weaknesses here. Not now.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He moved back toward her voice, reaching out and touching her arm. “Um, any chance you could help me take this sling and my shirt off? My arm hurts when I move it and… yeah.”

“You sure you don’t want me to get Wanda or Jane?” Loki hadn’t wanted to ask the question, rather excited by the prospect of helping her undress, but wanted to be the gentleman.

“Do you want me to?”

“Ehehehe. Sneaky girl. Mm, come here.” He moved to the front of her shirt, unbuttoning it gently before removing her sling, as she held her arm rigid. She shrugged out of the right arm of her shirt before letting Loki ease the left arm out. Loki handed her a towel from the top drawer of her dresser, and she held it against her upper body before standing on her tiptoes and giving Loki a quick kiss.

Loki couldn’t help but groan slightly. “You’re teasing me again, and it’s almost painful.”

“I’m sorry, I did actually need help with that and didn’t want to interrupt the others.”

“Right.” Livvy moved toward the bathroom to take a shower, and Loki followed her in briefly, pointing out to her where the shampoo was and grabbing his toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste. He rummaged through the medicine cabinet for a minute before finding an unopened toothbrush from the dentist and handed it to Livvy. “Here’s a toothbrush for you. I’m going to take mine and brush my teeth in the kitchen. I’ll come in and get myself sorted after you’re finished. I’ll shower in the morning,” he explained, and left the bathroom, pulling the door closed behind him. A second later, he heard the sound of running water.

He walked back into the living room to find Thor just arriving there himself. Loki stood and looked at his brother for a moment before turning to the coat closet and pulling out an air mattress and an electric air pump. “Power’s out,” Thor stated pointlessly.

“Mm.” Loki took a deep breath. As he kneeled next to the filling mattress, he looked up at Thor with a chuckle, quickly seeking to change the subject. “This dating thing is rather difficult.”

Thor let out a quick shout of laughter, crossing his arms. “I’m thankful I’ve only got a week of this left,” he said, catching on quickly to what Loki was saying.

“I don’t think I’ve ever wanted—no, needed—anybody so badly in my life before.”

“Well, I’d hope not.” Thor looked amused. “I still want to hear the story of your first conquest.”

Loki raised his eyebrows. “Sorry, that’s not going to happen. And don’t call her that.” His eyelids were beginning to feel heavy, and he hoped that Livvy wouldn’t take too long in the bathroom. The mattress finished filling, and Loki unplugged the air pump before getting up and heading to the kitchen to brush his teeth at the sink. He idly wondered why the house had been designed without a guest bathroom—both himself and Thor had bathrooms attached to their rooms, but there was none connecting just to the kitchen or living room. “You know, we’ve made it rather awkward if either of us need to use the bathroom in the night,” Loki pointed out after spitting his toothpaste into the sink.

He rinsed his mouth out before heading to the linen closet and pulling out a spare fitted sheet. Thor wordlessly took a corner of the sheet and helped Loki slip it over the mattress. Loki grabbed a fuzzy blanket and a spare pillow from the cabinet, setting up his bed.

Livvy walked into the room, and Loki stood for a minute, staring at her in his shirt. It extended halfway down her thighs, yet it looked incredibly seductive and somehow… right. Her hair was wet and tousled. Loki felt blood rush South and quickly walked toward the hallway. “Hi Livvy. Guess you’re finished then? Yeah. Okay. My turn. Thanks. You can stay with Thor here if you’d like. See you in a minute.” He knew he was babbling, but couldn’t help it. This was a hard night. He hurried past her.

He washed his face and went to the bathroom before heading back to the living room, having calmed himself down and prepared himself to face his girlfriend again without sounding like a lust-filled idiot. Stepping into the living room, Loki realized that Jane and Wanda were there, while Thor was gone, Loki guessed in the shower. He paused for a moment, watching them as they sat huddled together on the couch, giggling to each other. “School just called and said they’re definitely closed tomorrow,” Wanda was saying. “This is honestly so much fun.”

“What will Clint think?” Jane asked, laughing. “You spending the night in the apartment of two men?”

“Hey, they’re both taken,” Olivia pointed out, laughing. “Probably not a situation the he would or, like, Steve, will appreciate, but you’re here, and it’s not like we’ve got much choice. Besides… this is actually super fun.”

“The power being out makes it even better,” Jane remarked.

Loki walked up behind the couch and started massaging Livvy’s shoulders. “Hey, love. You guys are enjoying this, eh?”

“Sure are,” Wanda said, laughing.

Livvy pulled out of Loki’s grasp with a shudder. “Alright, something you should know—I hate massages.”

“Oh?” Loki raised his eyebrows. “Okay, definitely a good thing to know.” He chuckled. “You guys look adorable in Thor’s shirts.” He looked at his own white T-shirt and sleep shorts, briefly contemplating how much more clothing he had on. “Hopefully you guys won’t be stuck here too long.”

“It’s pretty cold in just this,” Livvy commented.

“Hey, I did give you a long-sleeve.”

“How are you so comfortable in a T-shirt and shorts?”

Loki shrugged. “As I said, cold-tolerant. I can turn up the thermostat if you want me to.”

Thor walked into the room. “What, my brother is offering to turn up the temperature?”

Loki snorted. “I’m not actually opposed to it; I just prefer cooler temperatures.”

“I like the house to be at 72 in winter and 78 in summer,” a Livvy declared.

“Okay, I’m not sure I’d be okay with over 75,” Loki said. “But we’ll see.” He smiled and gave her a kiss on the head.

“Stop being all lovey-dovey, weirdos,” Wanda said with a laugh. “We should get some sleep.”

Thor nodded. “Definitely. I’m pretty tired.”

Loki kissed Livvy goodnight and watched her walk down the hallway to his room with a small smile. He lay down on his blow-up mattress, feeling its wobbly hardness and sighing. “Comfortable?” Thor asked from the couch.

“It’s something,” Loki responded with a chuckle.

“We can switch if you’d like.”

“I’m fine, brother.” Loki’s eyelids grew heavy, and soon he felt himself being pulled into the dark void of sleep.

***

It was dark, and Loki stood, turning in quick circles, trying to locate his opponent. A sharp pain suddenly jabbed him in the side, and he dropped to his knees, gasping. “Please, turn on a light or something. Make this a fair fight.”

The only response was a harsh laugh, which Loki latched onto and lunged at with his dagger. Sharp hands pushed him from behind, throwing him to the floor. “You think there’s only one of us?”

“This isn’t fair. Let me go.”  
“No, Loki, you deserve a proper punishment after failing to kill that man tonight.”

“The police came, I couldn’t have—”

“Of course you could have. You hesitated, you worthless thing. And you’ll be punished for that.” A stinging feeling covered his back, and Loki screamed as a whip bit into his flesh. He bit his lip, trying to silence himself. He would not show Rico that he was weak. The whip continued to land, and Loki felt blood streaming from his lip where he was biting it.

“It appears that we’re not hurting you enough, are we?” A voice purred. “You asked for light, shall I give you light?”

“Loki.” A deep voice broke through the nightmare, and Loki gasped, feeling its calmness. He reached out for it but a sudden wave of light from his dream interrupted him.

“We’ll give you fire. Burn this place down. Here’s the real test, Loki.”

“You wouldn’t. Then you’ll die too.”

“Oh, don’t worry, you won’t die, dear. You’re my greatest project, remember?”

A wall lit on fire, and Loki backed away, terrified. The heat surrounded him, and he felt himself gasping for breath as his skin crawled with the sensation. He realized that the room was mostly concrete, and only one wall was burning. He glanced behind him, wild eyes seeing Rico and another man standing in the back of the building, quite far from the heat and the smoke and standing next to an open window. Loki scrambled to his feet, trying to get to them, but found himself being prodded with a long, sharp stick. “Oh no you don’t,” Rico purred. “You take your punishment.

“I can’t—the heat—please.” Loki begged for release, but Rico merely laughed. The laughter echoed in Loki’s ears as he collapsed to the ground, coughing and gasping for breath. “Just kill me!”

“I can’t do that. You’re far too useful to me.”

“Then why are you breaking me?” His question was rewarded by another savage poke with the pointed stick, and Loki felt hot blood running down his shoulders.

“So that you’ll understand that you do what I say, you pathetic creature.” Loki whimpered, his body covered in sweat. His vision started to turn black around the edges, and he threw up on the concrete floor, unable to withstand the heat.

“Loki! Loki, open your eyes.” Loki latched onto the voice again, and, with an effort, his eyes flashed open. They were glazed over slightly, and all he could see was the darkness. He sank back into the flashback, unable to pull himself together. There was still the darkness.

“There, no more fire. Apparently you’re rather bad at dealing with that, aren’t you?”

“Please, leave me alone.”

“I can’t do that.” The whip snapped again, and Loki cried out in pain. “Ahh, not so stoic anymore, is he?”

“Please, please just stop, I can’t take it—”

“Loki!” It was a different voice speaking now, a female voice, and Loki’s befuddled mind interpreted it as part of his flashback.

“Don’t hurt her!” A laugh answered him, and Loki scrambled forward, hearing a shrill female scream. A hand clamped onto his mouth and held him back with strong arms. Loki struggled wildly, trying to push off the restraint, trying to save her—don’t let her die, don’t let her die—

“Wake up, Loki!” His eyes flashed open for a second and looked around wildly. Darkness. His brain fought for control, and Loki vaguely heard himself yelling for light. His eyes snapped shut again and his mind was filled with Rico’s laughter again.

“You can’t save her, Loki. You need to stop wanting to save people. You’re on the dark side.”

A foreign voice broke in with a quick question. “Do you have any matches?”

Loki found himself sobbing. “No, please, please, no more fire, I can’t—” he fought against the strong arms that were holding him still and vaguely wondered why his mouth was no longer covered.

“Here, my phone light,” another voice suddenly interjected. A female voice—yes—Olivia—

“Don’t hurt her! Get out of here!” His arms thrashed violently, but he felt himself being held back by the tight grasp around him. He whimpered and suddenly gave up, going limp and quiet. There was no use fighting it….

“Loki, you’re safe. It’s okay. Calm down. I’m not going to hurt you.”

_Thor?_ Loki’s brain managed to latch onto the voice, and he drew himself toward it. “Brother—I can’t—he’s got me,” Loki gasped. His eyes still closed tightly.

“He doesn’t have you, Loki. You’re safe. I’m here. Just open your eyes, I’m right here.”

With an effort, Loki gave opening his eyes another go. The room was slightly lit up now with the white light of a phone’s flashlight, and Loki could see Thor’s arms around him. “Breathe, Loki,” Thor urged, and Loki realized that he was getting dizzy from hyperventilating. He tried desperately to steady himself, which only made him panic more. He choked on bile in his throat, and threw up violently into a bucket that seemed to have materialized in front of him.

“Loki, focus on me.” Loki swung his head around to look at Thor, his eyes still glassy and unfocused. “No—I need to help her—he’s got her…”

“Livvy, talk to him. I think he thinks you’re in danger.” Thor’s voice was sounding distant, and Loki could feel himself slipping back again. He squeezed his eyes shut.

“Loki, I’m right here.” The new voice was that of a female, and, although it trembled slightly, it sounded whole and safe. Loki’s eyes snapped open, and he turned his head toward the voice.

“You’re safe,” Loki gasped, reaching out to her and grabbing her hand. He felt Thor shift slightly, and distantly he caught him asking her to take his place, sit next to Loki and hold him. Loki trembled as Thor’s strong muscles—apparently what had been holding him back from lashing out during the nightmare—released him. A second later, a thin, comforting arm moved to his back, rubbing comforting circles across it. Livvy moved to lean against the wall, so that Loki was resting his left side against her as Thor still held onto his right.

“Loki, I’m fine. I want you to focus on me and breathe with me.” He looked into her eyes, and attempted to do what she said. She took deep, calming breaths, ones he couldn’t quite match yet, but after several minutes, his breathing and heartbeat began to calm a little, and the glaze over his eyes gradually disappeared. After about fifteen minutes, he looked vaguely around the room, spotting Wanda staring at him from across the room, and Jane crouched next to Thor, stroking his arm.

“Oh curses,” he murmured. “Did I just—”

“You’re fine, Loki,” Thor murmured softly.

He felt so weak, and cursed the fact that he couldn’t get up and leave, because he wanted to be alone, to hide from the fact that all these people had just witnessed those awful moments. But all he could do was sit there, leaning heavily against Thor’s arm, and stare at them.

“Hey, Jane was smart enough to think of the bucket,” Thor said with a small smile. “Narrowly missed being thrown up on there.”

Loki shook his head. “I’m sorry. Please—can everyone just—give me a minute. Go back to sleep.” His voice sounded flat and emotionless.

Wanda offered him a small smile, and Loki noticed a strange expression on her face—something between a mix of fear and understanding and shock. He heard Jane whisper something to Thor before she got up and followed Wanda out of the room. Livvy and Thor didn’t move, and Loki squeezed his eyes shut again.

Thor sensed Loki’s heart rate increasing again, and grabbed his brother’s shoulder, squeezing it tightly. “Stay with us, Brother.”

Loki opened his eyes again. “I’m here. Just--helvete. That was a bad one. And--and they all watched. When did they come in?”

Thor sighed. “I think I got there quite quickly--you were whimpering a bit in your sleep, not too loudly, but I think I’m always somewhat subconsciously expecting it.”

Loki nodded tightly. “Yes. I heard you before it had even gotten to the worst part. I just--I couldn’t escape it yet.”

“I should have been more insistent,” Thor said, sighing. “I wasn’t quite sure if I was just misreading it or not.”

Loki shook his head. “Not your fault.” He paused, taking a few deep breaths. “What happened after that?”

“You started yelling and thrashing around, and then you threw up all over your blanket, which is about when everyone heard you and showed up.”

“I actually--I’m so sorry.” Loki put his head in his hands, noticing for the first time how damp his hair was, which led to the realization that he felt sticky and wet with sweat. “I feel disgusting.”

“You still hot? Here.” Thor released his grip on Loki’s shoulders and pulled his shirt off for him, and Loki nodded gratefully. He loved how Thor always understood how weak Loki was after these episodes, but never made a big thing about it.

Remembering Livvy sitting next to him, Loki looked at her and sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to see this yet.”

“See what? This is like the third time I’ve seen you shirtless.”

“Not what I’m talking about,” Loki said with a small smile.

“Right. Sorry. That was a stupid joke.” Livvy grabbed Loki’s arm and snuggled closer to him, moving her injured arm’s fingers slightly to trace a scar on Loki’s bicep. Loki watched her, remembering his visions of her being hurt and desperately trying to forget them. He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes again.

“You could probably do with a shower,” Livvy murmured. “Might help you feel better.”

Loki sighed, realizing that she didn’t understand how tired he was after one of these episodes yet. “I would,” he said briefly, before his voice faded out. He didn’t have the energy for a deep conversation yet.

Thor took over. “These things are physically as well as mentally exhausting for him--it takes a while for him to gather his strength back.”

“Mm.” Loki took a deep breath, closing his eyes and gathering his strength to speak. “I’m essentially dreaming about being tortured, and my mind--it acts as if it’s actually happening, my whole body reacts as if I’m there.” He paused, taking a shaky breath and trying not to think overmuch about what he was saying. “Afterwards--I’m just as exhausted as if it all just happened.”

“That was quite a long one, too,” Thor remarked.

Loki nodded, flopping his head back on the wall again and staring straight ahead. “You’ve told Jane about this, right?” His voice hadn’t changed from its flat, emotionless tone.

“Yes, it wasn’t a complete shock for her.”

“And Wanda?”

“That was interesting,” Livvy answered before Thor could. “She seemed somewhat understanding, and wanted to help out, but she seemed to be really shaken after you sort of…”

“What did I do?” Loki asked, looking at her with wide eyes.

“You were asking for light, and she asked for a match to light a candle… Loki, are you okay?” She had noticed that his body had gone quite tense again.

“Never been better,” he forced out drily. “Go on.”

Livvy hesitated, grabbing his hand and intertwining her small fingers in his long ones. Loki squeezed her hand briefly, feeling surprisingly calmed by her actions. She noticed him relaxing and rubbed small circles on the back of his hand with her thumb as she spoke. “Anyway, you reacted as if she had just offered to kill you, and started crying and begging her not to.”

“Of course I did,” Loki said quietly, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. “Poor girl. Wasn’t her fault.”

“Why ‘of course’?” Thor asked.

Loki shook his head gently. “Part of the nightmare. Not important. Do I need to explain that to her?”

“I can, if you’d prefer,” Livvy said quickly.

“We’ll talk about it in the morning,” Thor said, with some finality. “Brother, you need to get some rest.”

Loki’s heart rate shot up, and a look of panic came into his eyes. “No, no no no no, please don’t make me—” He pushed himself away from Thor, shoving himself further into Livvy’s arms. She wrapped them around him, ignoring the pain in her shoulder as she did so, and gently shushed him.

“No one’s making you do anything,” Livvy said gently. She had a puzzled look on her face—clearly, she had thought that Loki was back to 100% rational thinking, and wasn’t expecting him to flip back to his irrational, childlike thoughts.

“That’s right,” Thor agreed. “You don’t have to sleep if you don’t want to. I just want you to lie down and rest up a bit. But first, let’s get you cleaned up.”

Loki nodded numbly and let Thor grab his arms and pull him off the floor. Once standing, Thor caught him around the waist as he swayed slightly. Loki squeezed his eyes shut and gripped Thor’s shoulder hard enough that his knuckles turned white, feeling a wave of dizziness course through him. He couldn’t quite figure out why he was feeling so disoriented—it was as if his brain couldn’t quite keep up with what was happening. His hand flicked to his head, and Thor held him tighter until he seemed to steady out a bit. “Are you alright, Loki? Here, let’s get to the kitchen—you’re probably dehydrated.”

_Yes,_ Loki thought, realizing how true that was. Now that it had been mentioned, his whole body seemed to scream for liquid. His head throbbed and he moaned slightly as they reached the kitchen and he clung to the counter to steady himself. “My head…”

Thor opened the fridge with one hand, still holding onto Loki’s wait supportively with the other arm, and pulled out a Gatorade. “Do you feel okay?”

“Not really.” He rested his head on Thor’s shoulder and didn’t move for a while, until Thor opened the Gatorade and held it up to Loki’s lips. He drank it quickly and thirstily. “Thank you.”

“You seem more out of it than you did before, brother.”

Loki closed his eyes, trying to gather his thoughts. He felt more confused than he had earlier, and he couldn’t figure out why. Fatigue? Fear of sleeping making him dissociate somewhat? He didn’t quite have the energy to figure it out. “Shower?”

“Right, yes, off we go.” Thor took most of Loki’s weight back as he let go of the counter, and they headed toward the Loki’s room and hence his bathroom. Livvy followed them, and waited in Loki’s room as Thor sat Loki in the bathroom before briefly heading back to talk to Livvy.

“Would you mind sleeping on the couch for the rest of the night? Usually Loki would hate to sleep next to me but on nights like these, he’ll get himself into too much of a panic to sleep unless I’m holding him, so…”

“That’s not a problem,” Livvy said quickly. “What time is it, anyway?”

“Almost 3:00,” Thor said after glancing at his watch. “I’m sorry about all this.”

“Don’t be. I’m choosing this in my future, so it’s only right that I know what I’m in for.”

Thor chuckled humorlessly. “I would let you do more—I think Loki’s responding to your company just as well, if not better, than mine right now, but I’m afraid neither of you would be happy if you slept in the same bed as him, much less showered with him.”

Livvy smiled. “Yeah.” Thor turned back toward the bathroom, hearing movement. “Hey, Thor? Could you get me some ibuprofen?” Livvy rubbed her shoulder. “I’ve kind of ignored my own injuries tonight and it hurts a lot.”

“Sure, be right there,” Thor said with a small smile, heading back into the bathroom and closing the door behind him. Livvy could hear him talking to Loki, and Loki’s voice arguing that he didn’t need help—well, that was something, at least. Seemed like improvement to Livvy.

Thor poked his head out of the door of the bathroom and tossed Livvy a pill bottle. She caught it, and headed out of the room. “Could you close the door behind you?” Thor called after her. Livvy did so before walking to the living room. Looking at the couch, she saw Thor’s bedding laid out messily, and straightened it out before settling herself in it and pulling the blankets around her. A second later, she had drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep, and in the back of her mind, she fervently hoped that Loki could do the same.


	11. Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You know what’s scarier than watching death, Wanda? What’s scarier than watching people suffer? Knowing that you’re the one who’s made it happen, that you stood behind the person who caused that and did nothing, even partook in it, because what? Because of threats? No, no truly good person would ever even let themselves get to that point. Do you get it now? Do all of you get it now?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Less angst in this one than the last one? I don't think I need to add any warnings. In case you were wondering--no, I'm not finished with Rico. He'll be back.
> 
> Rushed relationship is rushed and I apologize for my inability to write unrushed relationships xD
> 
> Sorry for another super long chapter! This entire story takes up 310 8.5"x11" pages on Word, if you're interested xD You're on page 133 so far if you've read all of this.

The first thing that Loki noticed when he woke up was that he was cuddled uncomfortably close to his brother. The second thing he noticed was that he was nearly completely naked except for a pair of boxers. He sat for a moment in disgust before he slowly began to remember the events of the previous night. He sighed, gently untangling himself from Thor’s arms and successfully not waking him. Checking Thor’s watch, which was sitting on Loki’s bedside table, he could see that it was 6:30. Bright sunlight streamed through the gaps in Loki’s curtains, and he walked over to take a peek outside. Sharp white light reflected off the snow and into Loki’s eyes, and he squinted furiously against it to make out what he estimated as at least two feet of snow accumulated on the ground.

After making a quick, hushed trip to the bathroom, Loki quietly left the room, turning the doorknob slowly so as not to wake up Thor. The apartment was quiet, and for that Thor was grateful—it gave him a moment of peace before he would have to face what had happened last night. Noticing a flashing light coming from a set of louvre doors on the left-hand side of the living room, Loki pulled open the doors and set about emptying the contents of the washing machine into a laundry basket. There was his fuzzy blanket from the night before. Loki sighed, shoving it into the drier along with most of the other clothing and turning it on.

Moving to the kitchen, Loki opened the pantry door and stared inside. He wasn’t particularly hungry, although he thankfully wasn’t feeling too nauseous either. Pulling out a box of organic Cheerios, he ate a few of them dry before Fenrir padded up to him from the direction of Thor’s room—evidently, he had been sleeping with Wanda and Jane. Loki shoved the box of cereal back into the pantry and moved toward the front door of the apartment, grabbing his scarf and dark grey woolen coat from the set of hooks next to the door. He pulled on some yoga pants that he kept in the linen closet with his yoga mat before clipping Fenrir’s leash to his brown leather collar. Loki guided the dog down the stairs and out of the house.

The snow came up over Fenrir’s belly, and Loki chuckled as he watched Fenrir jump in it excitedly. Figuring that Fenrir wouldn’t run off, Loki unclipped the leash and let the dog play in the snowdrifts. Loki himself sat on the stairs to the building, which were thankfully dry due to the awning over them. He sat there for several minutes, feeling the serenity of the snow-covered landscape fully relax him. The contrast between this bright, cold landscape and the dark, searingly hot nightmare from the night before was a welcome change, and Loki closed his eyes and inhaled the biting air deeply.

Even Loki had his limits though, and, beginning to shiver slightly, he remembered that he wasn’t wearing much, really, underneath his long coat and scarf. Chuckling to himself, he whistled for Fenrir, who obediently came leaping through the snowdrifts back to Loki’s side. “Heel,” he commanded, not bothering to put the leash back on. Fenrir obediently walked at his side back to the apartment, and Loki found himself idly wondering why he ever bothered with leashing the husky at all.

Reentering his warm apartment, Loki took off his coat and scarf before finding a towel and drying off Fenrir. The lights were still out, but the building had evidently turned on their emergency generators for the heating systems and things like washing machines. Loki stood for a second, watching Livvy sleeping peacefully on the couch, before deciding to just go ahead with his normal routine. It looked like everyone would be asleep for a while yet—Thor had once said that both him and Jane agreed that sleeping in required sleeping until at least 9:00, and Wanda, being a teenager, likely agreed with that. Anyway, if anyone were to get up, their first move would be to use the bathroom, so Loki would get some warning from the sound of the toilet flushing.

Thus satisfied that no one would interrupt him, Loki rolled up his blow-up mattress, shoving it back into the linen closet before taking out his yoga mat. He rolled the mat out in the space between the back of the couch and the doormat by the front door. He put in his AirPods, placing his phone next to the mat, and listened to soft, soothing Enya music as he went through his typical yoga routine. His muscles were sore from how tensely he had held them the night before, and the yoga moves gently stretched out the stiffness. He sighed, feeling fully relaxed for perhaps the first time since the weekend had begun.

A rustling sound from the couch made him pause in a sideways plank position, and a minute later, a head of short, messy hair and a pair of sleepy eyes poked out from behind the back of the couch and smiled at him. “Hello, stranger.”

“Hey, Livvy.” He dropped down to sit cross-legged on the mat.

“Come sit with me,” Livvy requested, patting the couch next to her. Loki stood up and sat next to her, pulling at his hair slightly nervously. It was extremely curly due to having been neglected after his shower last night, and he was fairly sure that he looked ridiculous. He certainly felt ridiculous, although not because of his hair. “You feeling alright?” Livvy asked, looping her right arm around his back and gently massaging his shoulder.

“Sleep makes everything better,” he said with a small smile. “Yeah, I’m fine now. I’m so sorry about all that. If you don’t mind, can we… not talk about it right now?”

“Of course.” Livvy smiled and moved her hand to play with his hair, and he smiled at the sensation.

“You like it like this?”

“It’s fun all bouncy like this.”

Loki chuckled, stretching his arms above his head. “I really want to go for a run right now. Might be difficult with all this snow, though.” He leaned forward. “Might as well try, though.”

“What time is it?”

“7:30. You want to come with? I’d like to go before everyone wakes up.”

Livvy yawned and stretched her arms. “What happened to you being too exhausted to move?”  
Loki frowned. “We’re not talking about that, remember? And this is my normal morning routine. I’m not going to change it or it’ll just throw me off more. Also—nervous energy.” He smiled ruefully. “Anyway, you want to come, or not?

“Got anything for me to wear?”

Loki chuckled. “That’s a good question. You’ve got a coat from last night, right?”

“Yep. I just need some pants and a jersey or something.”

“Wonder if you’d fit my yoga pants? They’ve at least got a drawstring waist. And they’re capri length. And, I mean, they’re not super tight, but they’re not the loosest pants I own.”

“The weirdest thing is that I’d literally have to take them from you,” Livvy said, laughing, “seeing as you’re wearing them.”

“Hehe. I suppose that’s a point.” He paused, looking at what he was wearing. “Man, I really need to start wearing a shirt around you more often.”

Livvy laughed. “I don’t know, you look pretty good like that.” She wrapped her arms around Loki, hugging him from behind as he shifted to get up. A shiver ran down his spine, and he sat for a moment, enjoying the hug, before his mind suddenly snapped to her shoulder.

“Hey, you shouldn’t be moving your arm like that, darling.”

Loki felt the redhead shrug her good shoulder, not letting go of him. “I took painkillers last night. It feels fine.” She leaned her head towards his neck and gave him a kiss. Another involuntary shiver coursed through Loki’s body, and he flopped his head back to look at her.

“Not feeling pain doesn’t mean you can do what you like, darling.” He gently pulled her arms away from him and stood up, turning to face her. “I’m going to go get dressed. I’ll find you some stuff to wear.” Overcome with a sudden feeling of warmth in his chest, Loki gave her a quick kiss on the forehead before turning and walking toward his room. Livvy suddenly jumped up and followed him down the hallway, and Loki half turned, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m just going to Thor’s bathroom,” Livvy said with an amused grin.

“Please don't wake them up,” Loki asked. “I want a few minutes of peace still.”

“Of course.”

Loki smiled at how accommodating Livvy was being. “Thank you, darling.” He turned to his room, and quietly turned the doorknob and stood in the doorway for a minute, watching Thor’s chest rise and fall. It was odd seeing him sleep in Loki’s bed, but Loki found he didn’t mind. He couldn’t help but feel grateful to his brother—he had treated him quite badly in the past, and yet Thor had always forgiven him, ready to be there for him at any time.

He shook the sentimental thoughts out of his mind, mentally cursing himself for thinking so childishly. Turning to his dresser, he rifled through it until he found a dark green cable-knit sweater and long sleeved white undershirt for Livvy, and a long-sleeved shirt and sports jacket for himself. He took off his yoga pants and put on a pair of longer, looser sweatpants and a pair of thick socks. He slipped on the rest of his clothes, and grabbed a navy blue quilted jacket from his closet and threw it over his outfit. Thinking for a minute, he realized that Livvy had left her clothes from the day before in his room, and he moved around the bed to find them in a neat pile next to it. He blushed slightly as he grabbed her bra, adding it, along with her sling and her coat, to the neatly folded pile of his clothing for her. He paused to write a quick note on a sticky note for Thor—_Went for a quick run with Livvy. Don’t worry about me. Thanks, Loki_—and stuck it on the bedroom door. After gathering up the stuff for Livvy, he walked out of the room, quietly closing the door behind him.

Livvy was waiting for him in the living room, sitting on the couch. She looked up as he approached. “Um, did you get my—”

“Yep,” Loki said quickly, watching her blush. “Here you go. Hopefully these will all fit okay.”

“Thanks.” She turned back toward Thor’s room to get changed. Loki stood in the living room, absentmindedly patting Fenrir’s head. He heard quiet murmuring coming from the girls’ room, and felt a weight at the pit of his stomach. He really wanted to get out of there before anyone got up—he wasn’t quite ready to face them yet. He headed down the hall to Thor’s room and knocked very quietly on the door. “I’m going to take Fenrir outside, Livvy. Come join me when you’re ready,” he said quietly through the door. He turned back to the living room, whistling quietly for Fenrir to come, and put a harness and a leash on the dog before shoving on some boots and heading outside and sitting on the step again.

Loki came out a minute later, wearing a pair of boots that she explained she had borrowed from Wanda—thankfully Wanda had worn practical footwear to the meeting the day before, and had the same shoe size as Livvy. Loki smiled as he listened to her lighthearted chatter. Not a care in the world. “My clothing works quite well,” Loki said, satisfied. The yoga pants actually fit quite well, and came down long enough to tuck into her boots. The shirt and jersey were a little long, extending about four inches below her hips, but it didn’t look bad. The biggest problem was that the sleeves were too long, and Livvy had to keep pushing them up.

Heading down the sidewalk, Loki quickly discovered that the run wouldn’t be so much of a run after all, but rather a speed walk. This was due to the fact that Livvy was obviously not as fit as him, didn’t have as long legs, and they were walking in snow. Running in that would probably not be very safe anyway. So Loki set a brisk walking pace. “I want to see if we can make it to the rink,” Loki explained. “We could all go there later.”

“That would be fun,” Livvy said, a little breathlessly.

“I think so.” He was quiet for a minute, knitting his eyebrows as if deep in thought. “I’d… selfishly, I suppose, like to show off a little to make up for last night.”

“There’s nothing to make up for,” Livvy said quietly, putting her right hand on his arm.

“Of course there is.” Loki pulled his arm away slightly. “I looked pathetic in front of all of them. I started crying over a candle. No, not even crying. I started sobbing uncontrollably because someone wanted to light a candle. I don’t want that at all. I don’t want people to think, oh, there’s that weak guy with PTSD who gets set off by random things and dislocates people’s shoulders and starts screaming in the middle of the night. Shame, his poor girlfriend who will have to deal with that.”

“Loki!” Livvy stared at him, concern in her eyes. “Nobody sees you like that. They know that none of its your fault.”

“I never said they didn’t know that! It’s that they might come to define me by my condition and not who I am. And I’m the complete opposite of how I act in these situations.” He struggled to calm his breathing, hearing his voice breaking. “And here I go again.”

“Stop thinking these things,” Livvy said quietly. “That’s not how I see you. And nobody who was there last night is going to tell anybody else what happened.”

“What if Wanda tells Clint? He’ll tell his wife, and then everyone will know.”

“I don’t think so,” Livvy said, shaking her head. “They’re a very private family. No one even knew Laura was pregnant with their third child until she started showing. She’s not the type to blab something to everyone.”

Loki shook his head. “Still. Steve knows about your shoulder. People still know, Livvy. And I’m a strong person, I’m a figure skater, I’m not a weakling. Yet this reduces me to one, you see?”

“Weaklings don’t go for morning runs,” Livvy said with a small smile.

“We’re not even running.”

“I think we both know that that’s only because of me. Seriously, Loki—you’re okay. I learned a long time ago that I’m my own worst critic. It’s true with my art, too. I’ve hated myself too—maybe not to the extent you tend to, but I have. But I learned to not look at myself through others’ lenses.”

Loki shook his head slowly. “No, but it’s not just what others think. I feel like I’m a mess. I’m constantly letting myself down, and I don’t know why or how to stop it. My—my own brain is fighting against me, and that’s… that’s actually scary. Toward the end of what happened last night, I could feel myself start to dissociate—do you know how scary that is? To suddenly feel completely numb and like you’re not even yourself, you’re nothing—I can’t explain it, but you completely lose control. You don’t even realize that you’re yourself anymore. You’re… watching yourself…” she broke off, shaking his head.

“I know, Loki.”

_You don’t know, at all,_ Loki thought despairingly. _I wish you did—no. Wait. I’m glad you don’t._ He said nothing, and she continued speaking. “I know that it’s not easy for you. You have to be stronger than I’ve ever been, just to survive what life has done to you. And I’m sure that’s not easy. But I’m here for you. What does that Avril Lavigne song say?”

That was unexpected. “What?”

“Slightly broken’s just what I need,” Livvy quoted. “Think it’s called Give you What You Like or something.”

Loki looked away, not entirely sure how to respond, and swiped his hand absently over his eyes, wiping away the moisture that had gathered there.

“Come on,” Livvy said quietly, grabbing Loki’s hand. “Let’s go see if we can get to the rink.”

Loki nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He squeezed her hand, once again taking strength from the feeling of her fingers against his own. He pulled her hand slightly, guiding her down a turn in the road, finally stopping in front of the skating club. “It’s not too far at all,” Livvy commented. “We should definitely get everyone to come here later.” She shivered slightly, and Loki pulled her to his chest in a hug.

“I love you, darling. I don’t think I’ve shown enough appreciation for you sticking with me here.”

“Please don’t ask me if I’m sure again.” She paused, glancing up at Loki, his breath blowing white against the cold air. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be than in your arms right now.”

Loki kissed her on her head, and she looked up, stretching up to catch his mouth in her own. He gladly kissed her deeply before he pulled back breathlessly, his lips twitching into a smile. “Mm, that was good.”

“You know it,” Livvy said, putting her hands in his hair and pulling him forward again. He laughed into another kiss, now giving her a more needy, forceful one. Finally pulling away, he grabbed her hand again and turned back to walk to the apartment.

“Come on, they’ll start wondering where we are, darling.”

“I’m starving hungry,” Livvy commented. “Have you eaten yet?”

“A handful of cheerios, if that counts.”

Livvy frowned. “Not really. What do you have at home for breakfast?”

Loki thought about that for a minute. “Um, cereal? Bananas? Protein bars?”

Livvy wrinkled her nose. “Did you seriously just list protein bars in there?”

“Sorry,” Loki said, laughing. “What would you suggest?”

“You just bought eggs last week; do you still have those?”

“I’m not sure,” Loki admitted. “Thor might’ve eaten them all.” Livvy laughed, and Loki looked at her, confused. “What?”

“I’m just picturing Thor eating a whole lot of hard-boiled eggs.”

“Well, he does eat a lot,” Loki said, not figuring out what was so funny. He chuckled slightly at her laughter, bewildered. “You crazy thing.”

Livvy stopped laughing finally, and they continued walking in silence. “You will eat something, right?” Loki shrugged, and Livvy narrowed her eyebrows. “You really should. Aren’t you relaxed enough right now?”

“Mm, I could force something down now, but when we get into that apartment, I’ve got to face three questioning faces, who’ll be asking if I’m alright. If you want to give me anxiety, throw that in my face.”

Livvy cuddled closer to his arm. “It’ll be okay. They probably won’t even mention it.”

“Yes, which makes it more awkward,” Loki said, stroking his free hand through his rambunctious curls.

“Which would you rather them do, then?”

“I wish it didn’t happen.” He closed his eyes tightly, seeing the brightness of the flame from his flashback and making a pained expression. “I can’t answer their questions, because if I’m being honest, no, I’m not okay, but I’m not going to tell them that.”

Livvy stopped, and Loki realized with surprise that they were standing in front of his apartment building. She looked up into his face. “Can you talk to me?”

_Can I?_ The question echoed through Loki’s mind. He sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t want to tell you what happened, Livvy. I don’t want you to know everything. I think I explained that last night.” Livvy played her fingers over Loki’s hand again, and he took a deep breath. “You have to understand, on the day after one of those flashbacks, it’s all really fresh in my mind. There’s a frantic mess of frustration, humiliation, and anger at myself in there, mixed with a feeling of… fear and very real terror over what’s now fresh in my mind. It’s not all real--some of it, my subconscious makes up, but it’s always at least very close to what I’ve actually been through. I’m just reliving it, sometimes worse than other times. Like--I thought you were being tortured last night, you understand? And it’s not just, like, a normal bad dream--it’s something that feels real even after you wake up. So no, I’m not entirely okay. I can walk, I can hold myself up without falling to pieces, but I’m focusing so hard on that, you see? I don’t feel like I can relax.” He hesitated, turning to her and nuzzling his nose in her hair. “Except maybe when I’m with you. You make me able to forget it.”

“That’s why I’m here, Loki.” She looked up at him, and he was surprised to see tears in her eyes. A stab of pain went through him as he realized that he was the cause of them.

“But I’m hurting you, darling.” His voice broke.

“That’s not true. I--I’m actually oddly inspired by the fact that… that I was a part of that nightmare.”

Loki closed his eyes, a tear escaping his eye to drop into Livvy’s hair. “I wish you weren’t, though.”

“I’m in your life, where you want me here or not.” She wrapped her uninjured arm around him, her other arm protectively in her sling. Loki pulled her close with both of his arms, resuming their earlier position. They stayed like that for several minutes before Loki felt himself relaxing slightly. “You can do this. It’s just your brother, Jane, and Wanda. They’ll understand.”

“Thank you.”

“Kiss me again before we go in?” Loki couldn’t help but chuckle slightly at the question, and he bent down again and pushed his lips against hers. It made him feel stronger, more in control, and he realized that that’s probably why she had asked for it.

“I love you, Loki.”

“I love you too, Livvy.” He felt her shiver from the cold underneath his arms, and pulled away quickly, unlocking the door to the apartment building and heading inside the chilly stairwell. They walked up the flight of stairs, Fenrir trotting after them, and made it up to the door. Loki gave Livvy a light kiss on the lips before opening the door, and she squeezed his hand.

Everyone was up now, just as Loki had suspected they would be. Wanda and Jane were sitting on barstools at the island, while Thor was looking through a kitchen cupboard for breakfast ideas. “We’ve got cereal,” Thor was saying. He turned to look at Loki. “Good, you’re back. We were just trying to make breakfast.”

“Do we have any eggs left?” Loki asked, trying to ignore the fact that Wanda was staring at him. Jane had a concentratedly neutral look on her face as she smiled at Loki and Livvy before looking back at Thor. “I can make omelets.”

Thor opened the fridge, removing a carton of eggs. There were six of them left. “That should work, eh?”

Loki shrugged. “Sure. Here, I’ll make them.”

“You don’t have to, I can always—”

“I don’t think these people want burnt omelets, brother,” Loki said, his tone not exactly matching the jesting nature of his words.

“Are you—”

Loki cut him off with an irritated hiss. “I’m going to make us omelets, okay?”

Livvy sat next to Wanda and looked over at Jane. “I’d suggest you let him bring it up,” she said quietly.

Loki felt a flash of irritation for her mentioning it to them, but simultaneously felt relieved that she had warned them. Right now, his reaction to questions obviously was not a very good one. He cracked the eggs into a bowl, poured in a good splash of milk, salt, and pepper, and began whisking them together sharply. The action released some of the tension that was built up inside him, and he felt himself relaxing slightly. He had always enjoyed cooking—it was one of the things Frigga had taught him to fill his time when he was basically under house arrest in their home.

He set the bowl of eggs aside, fishing through the fridge and finding a carton of mushrooms, a red and green pepper, and a bag of shredded cheddar cheese. He chopped the peppers and the mushrooms quickly and expertly. He wondered if Livvy had realized that his prowess with a knife had something to do with his having effectively used it as a weapon in the past. “Do we have any parsley?” He asked over his shoulder.

“We should do,” Thor said, walking to the fridge and rifling through it. He pulled out a bunch of fresh parsley and handed it to Loki. “You’re in luck. We’ve also got some ham, if you want to add that.”

“Mm, I suppose I could,” Loki said, taking the package of meat from him. He diced the ham into small pieces and dumped it into the pan, turning on the heat and browning the meat slightly. As it cooked, he grabbed the parsley and held it tightly between his fingers on the cutting board, quickly chopping it into little pieces. He heard Livvy inhale behind him, and his mouth twitched into a small smile. “What, scared I’m going to cut myself?” He asked without looking up.

“Just a bit,” Livvy responded nervously.

Loki finished chopping and set the knife down with a flourish. “All done.”

“Show-off,” Jane said, laughing. Loki smiled, feeling a little better about himself. He poured the cooked ham onto a plate and added a fifth of the egg mixture into the pan, quickly shifting it with his egg-lifter for a minute before letting it settle. He sprinkled in a handful of the fillings before piling on a generous heap of cheese.

“Is there anything someone doesn’t want on their omelet here?” He asked as he flipped the first omelet closed, making sure it was fully cooked before placing it on a plate.

“I like everything,” Wanda said. She still sounded slightly nervous, and Loki raised an eyebrow ever so slightly at her. “What? I do,” she said quickly.

Loki didn’t respond, merely moving on to repeat the cooking process for the next omelet. Finally, he finished making them, and everyone began eating. “Mm, you’re a good chef,” Jane commented. “Definitely wise not to let Thor cook.”

“Hey,” Thor protested. “I can cook some things.”

“You burn everything,” Jane argued. “Doesn’t he, Loki?”

Loki gave her a lopsided smile. “Yes, he does.” He set his plate down, turning to the coffee pot and pouring some coffee and water into it before turning it on. He picked up his plate again, pushing at his omelet with his fork and taking small bites. It wasn’t too bad, he decided—something light that he could stomach. Livvy came over and stood next to him, watching him eat out of the corner of his eye. “Oi, stop watching me,” Loki said quietly.

Livvy chuckled, looking back at her own food. “This is good, though.”

“Mm. Omelets are one of my favorite things.” He ate another small mouthful.

“Then eat with some appreciation,” Livvy muttered, raising her eyebrows. Loki scowled at her but did continue eating. He didn’t really feel like finishing it, but forced down the whole omelet in a bid to please Livvy. He placed his plate in the sink and moved to the coffee machine to pour himself a mug of the hot, rich liquid. He took a sip and walked over to the couch, sitting down. The others joined him, grabbing their own coffee and sitting in the same positions that they had occupied the night before, when they had eaten dinner—Livvy and Jane sat on Loki and Thor’s laps, respectively, and Wanda sat on the floor between them, petting Fenrir, who had fallen asleep.

A silence filled the room, and Loki took a deep breath and let it out audibly. “Okay, ten minutes. Let’s address this elephant in the room for ten minutes, then I’d like no one to ever speak of it again.”

“Elephant?” Wanda queried, pronouncing the word in her Romanian accent with confusion.

“Expression for the thing we’re all thinking of but no one’s talking about.”

“Oh.” Wanda paled slightly, and Loki sighed.

“Okay, someone start this off. Open discussion. Go on.” Loki sounded somewhat impatient, yet resigned.

“Why don’t you start by explaining to us exactly what was going on there?” Thor suggested gently.

“Hang on, no, I’m not telling anyone—” A sudden light of panic appeared in Loki’s green eyes, and Thor held up his hand.

“No, I mean, explain the basics of what that was.”

“Oh.” Loki hesitated, grabbing Livvy’s hand and rubbing it gently between his own. “It’s basically a classic PTSD symptom, a sort of mix between a nightmare and a flashback. I—I’ve got some stuff in my past that I don’t wish to relive.”

“I know exactly what it’s about,” Wanda said quietly, her voice shaking slightly. Loki looked at her quickly, surprise written on his face. Wanda toyed with her dark brown hair, hesitating briefly before explaining. “I watched my brother die in that car accident, and it felt like my heart was being ripped into a million pieces. I couldn’t get back into a car for weeks, and I did have one nightmare from it.”

Loki tilted his head, fascinated. “Is that so?”

“It obviously wasn’t as bad as yours last night,” Wanda said quickly. “Once I woke up, I was shaken but okay.”

“That’s the difference,” Loki explained. “You had a nightmare, and once you woke up, it ended. I had a nightmare that instantly morphed into a flashback after I woke up.”

“Yeah. As I said, it only happened to me once. Clint woke me up and talked to me afterwards.”

“Mm.” Loki brought his hand to his mouth thoughtfully. “You’re lucky.”

Wanda squinted at him. “Why? Because I only ever had one?”

“That, and because none of it was your fault. No one can blame you for your brother’s death. This was all my fault. I could have walked away.”

“He threatened you, got in your head—you’re the first to admit that,” Thor pointed out.

“Yes, but I still put myself in the situation. He threatened to hurt us if we left, but look at me—I’m still here. There was no reason…”

“I don’t agree,” Wanda cut in sharply. “You’re the lucky one. So maybe it haunts you for the rest of your life and you feel bad for making others have to help you when it was your own fault for getting in that situation. But at the end of the day, you can look around you and see that everyone you love is still there.”

Loki looked at her, his eyes squinted and his jaw slightly open. “You clearly don’t know half the story here.”

“Don’t I?” She glared at him challengingly, and Loki couldn’t help but feel a little impressed. It was her Romanian blood, he supposed. She wanted an argument? She’d get an argument.

“My mother also died in a car accident, remember?”

“Yes, but you weren’t there.”

“I might have caused it, though.” Loki stared at her, waiting for her answer. He heard Thor begin to speak, and waved him silent.

“Have you ever watched someone die? Neither of us are lucky, we’ve both been—”

“Wanda, I’ve watched at least three people die. I didn’t stick around to hold their heads as they did, but I saw them die. I’ve nearly killed people myself. For goodness sake, that entire flashback last night was to a very real punishment I got for hesitating before killing someone and thus missing my chance due to the police arriving. You know what’s scarier than watching death, Wanda? What’s scarier than watching people suffer? Knowing that you’re the one who’s made it happen, that you stood behind the person who caused that and did nothing, even partook in it, because what? Because of threats? No, no truly good person would ever even let themselves get to that point. Do you get it now? Do all of you get it now?”

“Don’t discount what she’s been through,” Livvy said, sounding both pained and frustrated.

Loki sighed deeply. “Look, Wanda, I understand that you’ve experienced a trauma-induced nightmare before and I really do appreciate you telling me that. And you’re probably right, neither of us can be considered lucky. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I broke on you last night about the match thing. I’m sorry about everything Goodness, I’m so sorry.” He put his forehead in his hand for a minute, staring at his leg. The room had gone so silent, one could hear a pin drop.

Finally, Loki looked up, fixing tear-filled eyes on Wanda. “You’ve gone through the first challenge,” he said quietly. “Just don’t let it do to you what it did to me. Whatever friends you’ve got are worth fighting for. Life is always worth living, and violence is never the answer. Don’t turn into me, darling.”

The emotions stirred inside of him, and he found himself hugging one knee to his chest in a half fetal position, only prevented from going all the way by Livvy, who was perched on his other leg. He tucked his head behind his knee, breathing heavily as he sought to steady his emotions. Sought to understand why he suddenly cared so much about this girl he didn’t even know very well. Sought to push the memories out of his head. I’m safe. I’m with my friends. They’re safe too. They’ll always be safe because I’ll make sure they’re safe. His head spun as he tried to gain control, and he felt slightly sick. He couldn’t show that kind of weakness again, though. He took a deep breath. The sooner he got his breathing under control, the sooner the nausea would go away. Forcing himself to focus on his surroundings, Loki felt Livvy’s hand in his and moved his fingers to feel the surface of her hand, exploring the dips and the crests of her knuckles. The action proved to be very calming, and Loki sniffed and looked up, keeping himself from bursting into tears with an effort that wasn’t betrayed on his face.

“Alright,” he said quietly, when no one spoke for a while. “Is that all then?”

Jane spoke up quietly. “What are you going to do when Thor and I are married?”

“I’ll be fine. These don’t happen very often and usually not to this severity. Besides, I won’t be living on my own for very long.” Loki felt Livvy shift slightly on his knee.

“What do you mean?”

Loki shook his head, realizing what he had insinuated. Of course he wanted to marry her—was it a little too soon to start making comments like that? He didn’t have the brain space to think about it. “I can always get a new roommate if I need to. I’ll be fine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think our ten minutes are over. I’m going to go get dressed.” He gently lifted Livvy off his knee before standing up walking to his room, trying not to look too hurried, although his mind was begging him to get away from everybody in that room. He wanted to be alone. He entered the room and shut the door behind him, locking it for good measure.

Flopping onto the bed, Loki lay flat on his back, staring at the ceiling. A gentle knock was heard at the door a moment later, and Loki sighed, having expected that. “Thor, please, I just want to be alone for a minute.”

“That’s fine, brother. I just wanted to say that…. that was a good thing you did. Took a lot of courage. I’m proud of you.” His voice was thankfully quiet enough that Loki could only just hear it behind the door, and he hoped that no one else had.

A small smile appeared on Loki's face, and a tear slipped out of his eye at the thought of Thor being proud of him. He inhaled and steadied his voice. “Thank you, brother.” He heard Thor’s footsteps receding, and closed his eyes gently.

_The fire burned closer and closer to him, but Loki couldn’t move, and he just lay on the floor helplessly. He had become almost numb to the feel of the sharpened stick poking at his whip-cut back, his lungs bursting with the need to breathe something beside smoke. He couldn’t hold on much longer—his heart rate increased as panic began to set in. He tried to speak but made no sound…._

Loki jerked awake, gasping for breath. _Not again._ He heard muffled voices in the kitchen, and realized thankfully that no one was any the wiser of his second nightmare. He breathed deeply, in through his nose and out through his mouth, moving himself into a sitting position as he did so. The action made him dizzy, and he felt his stomach clench with anxiety. Jumping up, he ran to the bathroom just in time to lose the remainders of his breakfast into the toilet. He took a deep breath, head feeling clearer, and flushed the toilet. Pausing, he listened closely, but there was no change in the sound outside the room. Good—they were likely distracted and hadn’t heard anything.

Loki stood up and brushed his teeth at the sink, remembering his Prozac as he did so. He couldn’t forget that… it was probably his only hope of ever being completely free from these nightmares. He spat into the sink and rinsed his mouth before grabbing a pill out of the bottle and heading back to his room. Placing the pill on his dresser for a second, Loki took off his sweatpants and replaced them with a pair of jeans. Leaving his shirt and sports jacket on, he sat back on his bed for a while, trying to calm himself. He pulled out his book and read for a while, seeking to distract his mind. After a while, he checked his watch—it was already 12:30.

Standing up, he grabbed his pill and, unlocking the door, walked to the living room and leaned on the doorframe of the hallway. Livvy was sitting at the kitchen’s island, doing some work on what Loki recognized as his own laptop—he remembered that he had left it in the living room a couple of days earlier. Thor was sitting on the floor, playing a card game with Wanda and Jane around the coffee table in the living room. Livvy looked up as Loki approached and smiled. “Hey, Loki’s here! We can eat lunch now!”

The others playing cards on the floor looked up and smiled at him. “Lunch sounds good,” Thor agreed. “We were just waiting for you to get back, brother.”

“You needn’t have waited for me, but thank you anyway.” He walked toward the kitchen, grabbing his water bottle off of the counter and filling it. Throwing the pill into his mouth, he quickly swallowed it, noticing Livvy’s eyes on him. He walked around the island to look at his laptop. “What are you working on, love?” He murmured.

Livvy chuckled. “I’m just checking my emails, mainly. Letting my boss know that I’m trapped here and might not have access to my laptop for a couple of days. He should be able to send me a backup file—would you mind if I downloaded some software on here? Thor said this is your laptop.”

“No problem at all,” Loki answered quietly, kissing her head. “You’re welcome to do whatever you’d like with it. Of course, if you could stay out of my files, that’d be nice.”

“Ooh, secrets. What are you hiding?”

Loki shifted on his feet a little. “Just some health records. And I’ve got a bit of a journal on there,” he added hurriedly.

Livvy raised her eyebrows. “I wouldn’t have expected that from you.”

Loki leaned over the back of her chair and wrapped his arms around her neck, leaning close to her. “A therapist advised it once. Basically, it’s all that happened during… that time of my life. I really don’t want you to read it.”

“I won’t.” Livvy’s hazel eyes sparkled warmly as she turned her head slightly to look at Loki. “Now do you want lunch?”

_Not really… I just threw up half an hour ago._ “Sure, what would you like, darling?”

“I don’t know, what do you have?”

“Perhaps it’s best if you all just choose what you want from the fridge,” Loki suggested.

Thor walked into the kitchen. “I can make grilled cheese sandwiches for whoever would like that.”

Loki raised his eyebrows. “Well, someone’s clearly not on a diet.” He opened the cabinet and pulled out a jar of peanut butter. “We’ve got a little leftover pizza in the fridge, we should have some potatoes, chicken, rice… whatever you want, come and look for it. We have bagels, too, although no cream cheese.”

Livvy opted for a bagel, while Wanda and Jane had Thor make them grilled cheese sandwiches. Loki found a spoon and stood in the corner, eating peanut butter by the spoonful. It was all he really felt like eating, and he found that it really wasn’t bad.

“Loki, can I borrow that?” Livvy asked, having taken her bagel from the toaster. Loki walked over and handed her the jar, watching as she spread peanut butter on both halves of the bagel. “I think this is too much food,” she commented. “Do you want some?”

“Maybe half of one of the halves,” Loki suggested, and she cut off the piece for him. He sat down on a chair next to her and took a bite. “Mm, that’s pretty good.”

Livvy leaned into him slightly. “I’m glad you’re feeling better,” she murmured into his ear.

Loki didn’t respond. _It’s only because you’re here that I’m managing to control my anxiety, and because I just spent half an hour calming myself in my room._ “Hey, does anyone want to go ice skating after this? I’ve got a key to the rink and it’s within walking distance; Livvy and I checked this morning.”

“Do they have spare skates to wear?” Jane asked.

“The rink is open to the public for the month of January, and they’ve got rentals then, so I should be able to find them for you,” Loki responded. “I believe they’re in the sharpening room.”

“I’ve never been skating,” Wanda said, her eyes wide. “Why do you have a key to the rink?”

“I’m a figure skater, you didn’t know that?” Loki chuckled, finding that he was suddenly rather enjoying himself. “And don’t worry, I can teach you.”

“Really?” Wanda looked impressed. “That’s awesome.”

“Will it be cold?” Livvy asked. “I mean, colder than usual?”

“Shouldn’t be. They’ve got emergency generators that would automatically come on—they don’t ever want the ice to thaw or be frozen unevenly, as it can mess with the under-ice coolant systems.”

“Well, sounds like fun to me,” Jane said. “Thor?”

“Sure, I’ll dig up my old hockey skates.”

The five of them continued eating, turning back to their casual chatter. Loki heard Thor saying something about someone having fantastic reflexes, and heard Wanda talking to Livvy about how she loved to watch figure skating on the Winter Olympics. Loki tuned in to their conversation. “Yeah, well, that’s obviously the best part.”

Wanda nodded, chuckling. “Although I usually find the women’s skating more interesting than the men’s.”

Loki raised his eyebrows. “Is that so? I’ll have to prove otherwise.” Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of an object flying toward him, and, not turning his head, automatically raised his hand and caught it. He looked at the apple in his hand and glanced up at Thor, who was laughing. “So evidently you were speaking of _my_ reflexes then, brother?”

Jane nodded. “He was. Very impressive, by the way.”

“I’ll warn no one else to try that. Rather risky move, brother.” He tossed the apple into the air and caught it rhythmically.

“Hey, I could tell you had heard me talking earlier. I’d be surprised if you hadn’t been somewhat expecting it. You should eat that, though,” Thor said, nodding to the apple. “You haven’t eaten much. A tablespoon of peanut butter and a quarter of a bagel does not make lunch.”

“You know I prefer skating on an empty stomach,” Loki huffed.

“Can I have one too?” Livvy asked. Thor’s response was to turn to the fruit bowl and toss an apple to her. She only just managed to catch it. Loki looked at her with an amused grin. “Hey, I’ve only got one arm,” she defended herself. “I was unbalanced.”

Loki chuckled, beginning to eat his apple. “You know, Thor, I could accuse you of eating too much cheese and not enough healthy protein today.”

“Cheese does actually have protein.” Thor crossed his arms and leaned back against the counter.

“Alright then, too much saturated fat.”

Thor chuckled. “Yes, except this is one day and I’m not trying to get super healthy for something like you are.”

“Well, this is one day, too.”

Thor snorted. “Try telling that to someone who doesn’t live with you.”

Loki scowled and took another bite of his apple. “Seriously though, don’t ever throw something at me or come at me without warning. Good reflexes also mean I can hurt you without realizing what’s happening yet.” He gave Livvy a sidelong glance.

“Or completely freak out,” Thor reminded him. “That’s always slightly scary to watch.”

Loki quickly swallowed his bite of apple. “Oi, Thor, I say what I want about this. Don’t add to it, okay?” He tossed his apple core at Thor to punctuate his point.

Thor ducked away from it, and it hit the wall with a dull thud as Loki dissolved into laughter. “The mighty Thor, afraid of an apple core.”

Thor crossed his arms. “Hey, how would you react if someone threw an apple core at your head?”

Loki chuckled. “I don’t know, you’re the one who threw an apple at me without warning not ten minutes ago.”

Thor snorted, picking up the apple core pointedly by its stem, and walking over to the trash can, stepping on the foot to open the lid. Loki watched him, amused. “I’m not exactly contagious, brother.”

Livvy was grinning somewhat wickedly. “So, Loki, you were saying that you always judge whether or not you can beat someone in a fight?”

Loki raised an eyebrow as Thor shot him an amused glance. “Yes, and?”

“Do you think you could beat Thor?”

Thor started laughing. “We’ve actually tested that before, in a pretty real-life situation. Loki, you want to tell the story?”

Loki glanced at Thor, furrowing his eyebrows. “I’d actually love to hear your side of this.”

“It was back when Loki was still in the gang. I heard reports of him and went to seek him out. I don’t think you were too impressed when I found you, were you?”

Loki shrugged. “Go on.”

“What was your idea there? You just started telling me to fight you. I tried to refuse but you seemed pretty determined.”

“Something I’d always wanted to do, I suppose.” Loki looked somewhat uncomfortable.

“He made for a good opponent, despite the fact that we weren’t using any weapons. Obviously, the intention wasn’t to kill anyone.”

Loki chuckled at that, and everyone looked at him. He shrugged. “Actually, I just wasn’t carrying anything that day. Can’t quite figure out why not.”

Thor frowned. “But we weren’t actually going to seriously injure one another.”

“Hey, I think I did injure you rather with that flagpole move. Grabbed it and swung myself around to kick him in the stomach. He’s made fun of me for it ever since but I still think it was a clever idea.”

“You looked like some crazed pole-dancer,” Thor laughed. His face straightened a minute later, though, as he gazed at Loki’s face, his eyebrows furrowed. “But, even if you did actually have weapons, you wouldn’t have…” He let his sentence fade off.

Loki looked at him, and interesting glint in his eyes, before shrugging noncommittally and stretching his arms over his head, yawning. Livvy chuckled, and Loki paused with his arms over his head, raising his eyebrows at her. “Sorry, you just looked like a cat stretching right there.” Loki snorted before relaxing again. “Anyway, how did it end?” Livvy asked, interested. “Who won?”

“I did,” Thor said.

“Did not. You just successfully destroyed the retaining wall, so we both had to run away from it.”  
Thor shrugged. “Still successful. Seriously though, were you trying to—”

“Hey, we all know I made some… questionable choices back then.”

“Killing your brother is kind of more than a questionable choice,” Jane said, though she had an amused look on her face.

Loki turned his head to look at her. “I’m pretty sure you knew exactly what my intentions were.”

“Well, I did slap you in the face the first time I met you.”

Loki laughed. “I rather enjoyed that.”

Thor punched his brother in the arm, and Loki staggered sideways, laughing. “Okay, in brute strength though, I bet I could beat you,” Thor pointed out.

“Well, of course,” Loki responded. “But that’s not how I fight. I like to be like the wind--too quick to ever grab hold of.”

“And you’re rather good at that, but you also just fight really dirty.”

Loki laughed. “Hey, I’m here to win, not follow the rules. You’re just too much of a goody-goody for real fighting.”

“I don’t really see how that’s a problem,” Thor said, laughing. He yawned. “I’m going to take a nap, if you guys don’t mind. Didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night.”

“Aren’t we going skating?” Wanda asked.

Loki chuckled. “I need time to digest my food before I go spinning myself around, thank you. Anyone want to warm up with me while we wait?”

“That sounds slightly sketchy,” Jane said with a laugh. Loki snorted.

Thor made a face at Jane before leaving the room, heading towards his own room. “Wake me when you’re all ready,” he called. “I only need a half hour or so.”

Loki stood up. “I’m an idiot who just put on a pair of jeans and now wants to do warm-up stretches. I’ll be right back.” He headed to his room, closing the door and changing before walking back to the living room and sitting on the floor. “Anyone? It’s good for you and really not anything difficult or complicated.”

“Alright, coach,” Livvy said, laughing as she sat down.

Loki smiled at her, a sparkle in his eye. “Ooh, I like that.” He watched as Wanda sat down near Livvy, and finally Jane joined with a sigh. Loki paused for a minute to look over their outfits--Wanda and Jane wore too-big pairs of Thor’s sweatpants and their shirts from the meeting the day before. He frowned at them. “Alright, actually, first of all, you guys can’t skate wearing those pants. Far too big for you, and thus rather unsafe.”

Wanda frowned. “So, what do we do?”

Loki bit his lip. “You could try some of my skating pants, if you want. They’ll be too long for you but might be a little closer to fitting your waist size, and tight enough that rolling them up should work okay.” He looked at Livvy. “Hang on, darling, we’ve still got your skating outfit at the rink. Those yoga pants work well, so someone else can wear that--probably you, Wanda, since you’re the smallest--and we can try out Jane with my skating pants. They fit kind of like slightly tight and slightly stretchy dress pants.”

Jane chuckled. “Thor will hate me if I wear your clothing, after how he was reacting to my comments in the kitchen.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault he’s much larger than me and doesn’t have any tight pants,” Loki said, laughing. “Hey, Jane, wouldn’t you like to see Thor in some of the things I wear?”

She blushed hotly and stuck her tongue out at him. “I’m sure your girlfriend doesn’t appreciate your flirting.”

Loki glanced at Livvy, smirking at the blush on her face. “Sorry, love. I probably take more pleasure than I should in teasing others. I’m afraid that may never change.”

“It’s rather fun to watch,” she said quickly. “Um, can we move on with our stretching now?”

“Right.” Loki moved to his hands and knees, placing his knees parallel to his hips and touching his feet together. The others imitated him. He glanced at their forms before rocking back into a sort of child’s pose position. “This is called the frog rock,” he said, straightening back to the hands and knees position before leaning back again. They repeated this move several times, before Loki shifted positions, shifting so that he was sitting on one bent leg, his other leg stretched sideways. He put his hands behind his head, and straightened upwards so that he was kneeling on his knee. He sat back down, and repeated this new move several times. “Those are called adductors.”

“These are super simple,” Livvy commented. “I do pilates sometimes, and it’s far more complicated.”

“Just basic stretching,” Loki said with a shrug. “Although yes, I like pilates. Great for one’s balance.”

Loki led them through several more stretches, including a couple that focused on back rotation. He showed Livvy how to modify a few of them in order to cater to her arm being in a sling. Finally he stood up. “Okay, now for some actual cardio. Pretend you’re stepping back and forth over something, okay?” He did a sort of jog in place, moving forward and back over the imaginary object. After that, they did a series of lunges across the room, and then a walk across the room, with every step stretching their leg behind them, Loki getting his in a perfect line parallel to the floor. “Hey Livvy, this is basically the off-ice version of that move you said hurt your wrists.”

Wanda sighed, breathing slightly heavily. “You do this every single day, before even getting on the ice? I’d be too tired to skate.”

Loki laughed. “The trouble is, the coldness of the room when you’re skating works against you. You’ve got to be incredibly loose and flexible as a figure skater, but the cold air naturally tenses your muscles. So you’ve got to do this type of thing to make sure they’re nice and loose first. I do yoga every morning, which also helps.”

Loki sat back on the floor and leaned forward, grabbing his feet whilst keeping his legs straight.

“How’s Thor at skating?” Jane asked.

“I mean, he can skate,” Loki responded, speaking easily whilst maintaining his position. The girls sat cross-legged, having given up on getting close to that position. “We did a lot of ice hockey when we were young. That’s actually how I got into figure skating. He can’t do any fancy moves or anything, but yeah, not bad at all. He’s got a lot of strength so he can go pretty fast. Good at thrusting.” He paused, his face suddenly turning bright red as he realized the double meaning of what he had said. “Um, hang on, I didn’t mean--”

Livvy and Jane burst into laughter. “How exactly do you know that, Loki?” Jane asked, her face bright red as she laughed.

Loki straightened up, burying his face in his hand. “I’m so sorry. Unintentional. Completely unintentional.”

Wanda looked at them, confusion written on her face. “Hang on, what just happened?”

“You don’t want to know,” Livvy said quickly. “Also, cut it out, Loki. If Wanda tells half of this to Clint, we’re going to get in trouble for all these dirty jokes.”

“So unintentional,” Loki continued growling.

“What’s with all this mirth?” A deep voice asked from the hallway.

“Ah, here, the man himself,” Livvy said with a flourish, looking up at Thor.

“Do not, I repeat do not, tell him what just happened,” Loki admonished them.

“Loki just accidentally made a dirty joke about you,” Jane said, standing up and walking to Thor’s side. “You really don’t want to know.”

Thor frowned, wrapping his arm around Jane. “Alright then,” he said slowly. “Are you guys finished with your stretches?”

Loki jumped up quickly. “Yes, yes we are. Let’s go. Hang on, I wanted to get some different pants for Jane.”

Thor raised his eyebrows. “I’m not sure--”

“Would you prefer she trips and falls in those?” He stared at Thor, the two brothers having a bit of a standoff.

Thor finally sighed, giving in. “Do you still have those tights you never wear?”

“I thought you said leggings were illegal to wear for skating,” Livvy said, raising her eyebrows.

Loki sighed exaggeratedly. “Alright, I wore those for physical therapy, Livvy. They were the only thing that would fit under my walking casts comfortably. And yes, now that you mention it, I do.”

“You had physical therapy?” Wanda asked.

Loki glanced at her, a sudden hard look in his eye. “That’s a story you don’t need to know,” he said firmly, in an end-of-discussion voice. He turned to the hallway, heading back down to to his room. He returned a minute later with a pair of dark brown leggings. “Here you are,” he said, handing them to Jane. “No idea how those will fit you.” He waved her off to the room, and she walked down the hallway to change.

They stood for a moment in silence before Wanda spoke. “So, how advanced are you with skating?”

“Um…” Loki hesitated. “That’s a hard question to answer. I’ll show you when we get there, okay?”

“He’s really good,” Livvy interjected. “My favorite move of his is the sit spin.”

“I think I remember that from watching the Olympics,” Wanda said, nodding.

“Fairly simple move,” Loki said. “I’m actually trying to learn how to do an Arabian flying sit spin for you. It’s basically the same—you lean sideways, like this”—he leaned sideways—“but then, instead of going straight into the spin, you do a little jump with your toe pick and hop into the spin before moving down to shoot-the-duck position as usual.”

“What in the world is that?”

“Like this.” Loki knelt down, balancing on one leg and stretching the other in the air parallel to the ground in front of him. He bent his body and his head toward his outstretched leg, holding onto it with his hands. “It’s actually easier to do when you’re spinning,” he said with a chuckle, watching Wanda try to imitate him. She didn’t quite get her leg high enough. “I’ll see what I can teach you on the ice.”

He winked at her as Jane reentered the room, wearing the leggings. They fit quite well—slightly loose, but not terribly so. The leggings had been rolled up around her ankles. She was wearing one of Thor’s shirts over it, the long sleeves rolled up and the hem hanging below her hips, lending a nice modesty to the leggings. “Not bad,” Thor commented. He wrinkled his nose. “The only problem is, I keep picturing Loki in them. Far too revealing, really.”

“Oh, hush,” Loki said with a scowl. “You’ve seen me in less than that, brother.”

Livvy snorted. “Come on, guys, let’s get out of here.”

“On it,” Loki said, jumping fluidly from his kneeling position to a standing one. He walked to the door and pulled on his boots, watching as the others followed suit, except for Livvy and Jane.

“Erm, Jane and I were wearing heels yesterday,” Livvy said, chuckling.

Loki paused and looked at her. “What shoe size are you?”

“Seven.”

“Mm, I’m a men’s eleven, which would be… a thirteen in woman’s. That’s… not going to work. And Thor’s a twelve, so that’s even worse.” He hesitated. “Here, I’ll give you a pair of fuzzy socks and carry you there.”

Livvy laughed. “I’m actually not going to argue that.”

“Guess that leaves me with doing the same for you, Jane,” Thor said with a chuckle. Loki left the room and can’t back with two pairs of fuzzy socks, which he tossed to Livvy and Jane.

He knelt down front of Livvy, allowing her to climb on his back piggy-back style. He turned his head to see that Thor had done the same with Jane. “Okay, let’s go.”

They left the house, walking toward the skating rink through the tracks that Livvy and Loki had made through the snow earlier. The snow had begun to fall again, and the footprints were already a quarter of the way full of fresh snow. “I guess that’s why they haven’t plowed the roads yet,” Loki commented. “Wonder if you guys will be spending another night at ours.”

“Probably,” Jane said with a chuckle. “I don’t mind. I sure hope neither of you do.”

“I don’t,” Wanda said. “It’s been fun. I feel like I’ve got friends here.”

“Aww,” Jane said, giving her a one-armed hug. “You sure do.”

“I don’t mind either,” Livvy said with a smile, hugging her arms tighter around Loki’s shoulders. “I hope you don’t mind.”

Loki gave her a kiss on the shoulder. “I like you being here, darling.”

“But is it okay that they are?” Livvy asked quietly.

“I suppose not. It’s just slightly embarrassing when they… witness stuff like what happened last night.”

“Don’t worry about it, Loki. It’s only Wanda and Jane, and you seem to be rather fond of Wanda, and comfortable around Jane.” The two were at the front of the group, and Loki glanced behind him to see that a small gap had appeared between him and Livvy and the rest of the group.

“Jane has always just been around. She’s a bit like a sister to me now. We don’t always get along by any means, but she doesn’t seem to hate me anymore, which is something. As for Wanda…” he paused. “I don’t know, I suppose I respect her more after this morning.”

“Care for her more,” Livvy corrected him.

Loki furrowed his eyebrows. “Are you upset about this?”

“I’m not sure I like the fact that she’s got more in common with you than I do,” Livvy said hesitantly.

“Darling, with all due respect, she’s sixteen. And you’re much prettier than her.” He turned his head to kiss her on the cheek.

Livvy blushed. “I’m sorry, it’s stupid of me.”

“Not at all. I’m not going to blame you for being jealous of me giving her attention. It means you love me, doesn’t it?”

“Alright,” Livvy said with a sigh. “I’m sorry. But—um—could you maybe…”

“Mm? Go on, darling.”

“I kind of don’t like you calling anyone else darling.”

Loki chuckled. “I told you right from the start that I called everyone that.”

“Yes, but… I don’t know, it feels…”

Loki smiled. “It’s okay, love. I’ll stop, for you.”

“Thank you.” Livvy kissed Loki on the forehead, and he turned his head to give her a quick, awkward kiss on the lips.

“Pleasure, darling.”

“You do like your pet names, don’t you?”

Loki gave a rumbling laugh. “I suppose I do. Seriously though, look. I know I can be a bit… mischievous sometimes, but trust me, I’m not interested in anyone else but you. Not Jane, not Wanda, not anybody. All you.”

“I know.” Livvy snuggled closer into Loki’s back, and they made it to the rink in companionable silence.

Loki walked carefully and slowly up the snow-covered stairs before pulling his keys out of his pocket and unlocking the skating rink. Inside, it was relatively warm. Livvy slid off of Loki’s back. “It’s so quiet,” she said as he switched on the lights. The others joined them inside a second later, and Wanda closed the door behind them.

Locating the rental skates easily in the sharpening room, Loki handed them out to Wanda and Jane, checking each blade for sharpness before giving them out. After that, they scattered their separate ways to get dressed, and Loki retrieved Livvy’s skating outfit from the boy’s locker room and handed it to her before heading back and changing into his own new costume. He left the locker room while Thor was in the bathroom.

He was the first to get to the rink, and he went ahead and eased himself onto the ice, gliding across the frozen expanse lazily, doing a quick lap to warm himself up. He glanced back at the hallway before gliding over to the speaker and plugging his phone in, switching on Carnivore. He skated lazily to the center of the ice and struck his starting pose, barely noticing movement out of the corner of his eyes the music started.

Tension rolled out of his shoulders as Loki let himself go, swinging into his routine which was by now second-nature to him. He was still a little wobbly on his triple axel landing, but he managed to achieve the flying sit spin. The three minutes flew by, and he finally circled back to the middle of the ice, striking his finishing pose as the music ended. He looked up, hearing clapping from the sidelines. Thor, Livvy, Wanda, and Jane were standing there, and he bowed dramatically, chest heaving. He skated toward his friends and leaned on the boards. “So, what did you think?”

“That was amazing,” Wanda said, her eyes wide. “You looked so sleek and elegant.”

“Costume looks fantastic and suits the music,” Livvy said, frowning slightly as she glanced at Wanda. Still jealous, is she? Livvy leaned against the boards and gave Loki a kiss on his sharp, cold cheekbone. “You always look so lovely on the ice.”

“And off of it?” He chuckled, not-so-surreptitiously checking out her body in the beautiful new skating dress. “You look absolutely stunning, love.”

“Good routine,” Thor said quickly. “Interesting choice in song, but it suits you.”

Loki chuckled. “That’s why I can skate to it. Listen to the lyrics. They speak to me.”

“You should be in the Olympics,” Wanda said, still gazing at Loki in awe. “You’re so amazing!”

Loki snorted. “I haven’t got any plans to go big with this. It’s just a hobby of mine, and occasionally I’ll do a contest. But hey—I try.” He winked and turned slightly, beckoning for them to join him on the ice. “Come on, guys, let’s skate.” He held out his arm as Livvy stepped on, and she eagerly look it, moving to his left side so that her left arm, still in its sling, was free.

“Thanks,” she said appreciatively. “I feel a little off-balance with this sling.”

“I’m not sure it was a great idea for you to skate,” Loki remarked. “I didn’t even think about that.”

“Hey, that’s why you’re here, Lokester. I trust you to keep me upright.”

Loki smiled and gave her a kiss on the head. “Alright, love.” He looked over at Wanda, who was holding onto the boards and trying to figure out how to skate. Thor and Jane were chasing each other around the ice—neither one were bad skaters at all.

Not letting go of Livvy’s hand, Loki slated over to Wanda and grabbed her arm, gently supporting her. “Stand like you would on any surface, Wanda. The only thing that’s making you nervous is the idea that there’s ice under your feet. But it’s really not all that slippery once you’re in skates. There we are.” The girl moved slowly until she had settled into a normal standing position. “Alright, now slide your foot out at a slight angle like this.” He planted his left foot firmly on the ice and lightly slid out his right leg so that he wouldn’t actually move. “That’s called thrusting. Come on, darling”—he felt Livvy give him a sharp jab in his side as he said it, and quickly corrected himself—“er, right, Wanda, you can do it.”

Wanda did as he said, and Loki carefully kept himself moving with her. “Good job,” he said, just as she tripped on her toe pick and reflexively grabbed onto Loki’s body. He chuckled as she blushed and quickly tried to remove her hands from his chest without falling. Loki laughed, grabbing her waist to steady her so that she could let go of him. Loki felt Livvy tighten her grip on his hand and smiled. Feeling jealous again, is she? He couldn’t help but love how jealous she was getting—it was such a silly thing; Wanda was way too young to really be an object of his attention in that sort of way. The absurdity of it all made it quite amusing and adorable in Loki’s eyes. Perhaps he should be taking it more seriously, but…

“I’m not sure I agree with your statement that ice isn’t slippery,” Wanda gasped.

Loki chuckled. “Sorry, I always forget how it feels to people who are just starting out. I find it as easy to stand on as the ground.”

“The toe pick always tripped me up when I first started,” Livvy said. “I think that’s a common thing.”

“Why do we have it, anyway? Do you use it to stop?”

Loki snorted. “If you want to fly onto your face, go ahead.”

“I think it’s used for jumps, mostly?” Livvy stared tentatively.

“Some,” Loki agreed. “And yes, before you ask, when you’re first learning those, you often end up falling on your face. You’ve got two categories of jumps. Toe picks are used for the toe loop, flip, and lutz jumps, which are your toe jumps. The other sort of jumps are your edge jumps, where you push off with the edge of your blade, and those include the waltz, salchow, loop, and axel. Jumps are all basically the same with the exception of the axel and differ only in their entrances and techniques. Toe picks are also somewhat indirectly involved in spins—you enter into a spin with the edge of your blade, then go in with a hook, which is basically… alright, so a skater balances on their metatarsals, near their big toe, for a forward spin, and the toe pick keeps one balanced. But what I’m trying to say is that… oh, for goodness sake.” Loki started skating slowly toward the boards, Livvy skating easily next to him and Loki holding Wanda steady, basically pushing her toward the wall. “You two stay here; let me show you this.” He skated a distance away from them.

“Notice how I use the deep outside edge of the blade to start the spin,” he called, before suiting his word to his action. “There, rotation—edge ends and I’ll dip onto my toe pick for a second before settling on my metatarsal.” He tried to make his movements as slow as possible, but it wasn’t quite working, and he found himself already in a simple spin, which he quickly broke and skated back to them, stopping at the last minute with an elegant t-stop. “Sorry, that was along speech and not a very nice spin. I didn’t have much of a plan going in.”

“That was quite possibly the most interesting speech I’ve ever listened to,” Livvy said, smiling. “Seriously. This stuff fascinates me so much.”

“I’m glad,” Loki responded, skating over and giving her a hug. “It’s fun to be able to tell someone about this.” His voice dropped. “I cannot get over the sight of you in that dress, love. I’m so glad I bought it for you.”

“Oh, I’ve got a present for you, too,” Livvy exclaimed. “I wanted to give it to you this week.”

Loki smiled. “Do you? I’ll be looking forward to it.”

Wanda watched them, a slightly bored expression on her face. “Can you show us some more stuff you can do?” She asked hopefully.

“Well, I should be practicing for the competition anyway, so sure. What do you want to see?”

“What do you need to practice the most?”

Chuckling, Loki used his arms to lift himself up so that he was sitting on the boards, his long legs dangling below him. “If you want to see that, you’re asking to see me falling repeatedly.”

“I’m terrified of falling,” Wanda commented.

“I’m not afraid of pain,” Loki said quietly.

“Of course you aren’t, tough guy,” Wanda said.

“He was right, you know,” Loki said suddenly, ignoring Wanda. “‘You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain.’ I said this morning that he was wrong, but actually…”

“What are you talking about, Loki?” Livvy asked quietly, leaning closer to him.

Shaking his head as if to clear it, Loki kicked his heel into the boards with a bang, and launched himself onto the ice. “Sorry. Don’t worry about it, darling.” He looked back at them, a rather forced smile on his face. “We should put on some music, don’t you think? Then I’ll show you some more of what I can do.”

Livvy nodded, skating toward him. Loki watched her carefully, tensing slightly as he prepared to hurry over and catch her if she tripped. “Loki, I’m not going to just randomly fall,” Livvy called out, as if she had read Loki’s mind.

This time his smile wasn’t faked. “Hey, let me look out for my girl.” He moved over to her, grabbing her hand, and together they skated across the side of the ice that Thor and Jane were occupying. They reached the radio, and Loki moved to unplug his phone. “We can connect it to yours, so you can play music,” he explained.

Livvy shrugged. “Actually, I’d like to hear what you’ve got.”

“Whatever you want to do,” Loki said, smiling as Livvy grabbed his phone and turned it onto shuffle. Let it Burn by Red started playing, and Loki and Livvy skated back to their side of the rink. Livvy let go of Loki’s hand and tried to jump up to sit on the boards like Loki had, but she couldn’t quite manage. Loki chuckled, skating over and lifting her up onto the short wall. Wanda jumped up and perched next to her. A minute later, Thor and Jane, tired from their skating and curious as to what was going on, joined the two girls.

“Alright, what do you want to see?” Loki asked, skating backwards from them. “Give me something.”

“Can you show us the spin again? I didn’t quite catch what you did with the toe pick.”

“Okay. I’ll do something fancier this time… what kind of spin do you want? They all use the toe pick in the same way.”

“Loki, no one knows what kind of spins there are,” Thor said in his booming voice, laughing.

“Alright, then at least tell me the category. We’ve got upright spins, although that’s a large category, sit spins, and camel spins.”

Livvy said camel at the same time as Wanda said upright. “Alright, fine,” Loki said, chuckling. “Here we go.”

He skated in a large circle, gradually building speed before hopping on his toe pick and turning his body into camel position--body and one leg parallel to the ice--and began spinning. He touched his spinning leg with his arm, his other one laying on his free leg. Then he moved his arms to cross one in front and one behind his body, bending his free leg so that his skate was almost touching his back. Suddenly he leaned over slightly, moving his body back upright, lifting his hands so that they were clasped above his head, his free leg held in front of him, straight and parallel to the ice. He spun for several rotations before dropping his arms and his leg, curving gracefully out of the spin.

“There, a bit of a combination,” he said, coming back toward them as the song changed to Unwell by Matchbox 20.

“Alright, that was super cool,” Wanda gushed. The others agreed, expressing their appreciation.

“Isn’t a Beilman a type of spin?” Livvy asked when Loki wanted another move to do.

“Yes, I actually do a half beilman in my competition routine. I actually can’t do a full beilman--it’s more of a women’s move because it requires a very high level of flexibility that most men can’t quite attain. I could do it when I was younger.”

“Have you lost some of your flexibility?” Jane asked.

Loki laughed. “I went through puberty.” He winked at Jane and she blushed slightly, nodding.

“Hey, show us your triple axel,” Thor suggested. “Since that’s your hardest move.”

“I’m nearly 100% sure you’re wanting to see me fall on my face,” Loki said, his hands on his hips.

Thor laughed. “Maybe I’m upset with you flirting with my fiancé in that outfit.”

“Heheheh. It is a nice one, isn’t it?” He struck a pose, sticking his hip out slightly as he stabbed the ice with one toe pick and stretched his arms out to the side. Noticing Livvy’s cheeks flush, he smirked, finally dropping the pose and skating in a slow circle. “Okay, triple axel. You know, eventually Heimdall is going to make me learn a quad.”

“Well, better make sure you’re good at the triple first,” Livvy said. “Go ahead and practice it.”

Loki blew a slow breath out of his cheeks, rolling his shoulders slightly to loosen them. “Alright, here goes.” He skated forward for a while before taking a deep breath and moving onto one foot, generating a slight skid on the ice before pushing off as hard as he could with the inside edge of his right skate. As he launched into the air, he focused on creating fast turns with his body. One, two, three, three and a half--the ice came up to meet him. Move your feet, they’re too close… He hit the ground with one foot, but the heel of the other foot hit the ice a moment later, throwing off his careful balance, and he found his feet sliding out from underneath him. Briefly hearing a painful “Oooh” from the sidelines, he landed hard on his bum, stretching out an arm to gently catch the rest of his body as he slid along the ice a short ways on his hip and one bent leg, the other one still in the air in a practiced fall. He turned the leg and used his own momentum to pop back up. Gliding slowly backwards, he moved to the boards at the back of the rink and looked at the others. “Sorry,” He panted breathlessly, pushing off the boards and moving back toward them.

“Are you okay?” Jane asked.

“Perfectly. Now you all know what a failed triple axel looks like.” He grimaced. “I did warn you.”

“Okay, but is nobody going to talk about how graceful that fall was?” Livvy pointed out, chuckling.

Loki shot her an amused glance. “When you’re in a competition and you fall, you can’t spend time trying to pull yourself up; you have to get up off the ice as soon as you can and continue your routine. So we learn how to fall to accommodate that. Bonus that it makes it hurt less to fall correctly. I saw that one coming.”

“Try it again,” Thor urged.

“Why?” Loki asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Because as of now, I am officially acting as your coach and reminding you that you’ve got to do this in a competition on Saturday.”

Loki sighed, tipping his head back unenthusiastically. “Fine. You know, it’s not fun to fall in front of a whole lot of people. And that was a good fall.”

“We’re not judging you,” Livvy assured him. “We’re impressed that you can even get off the ice and spin like that. Besides, there’ll be a bigger crowd on Saturday, so you’d better get used to it.”

“Fair enough,” Loki muttered, and moved to skate forward again. He quickly launched into the axel again. One, two, three, three and a half rotations… land, land, get into the--ice. Darn it. His left skate knocked into his right on the way down, and the spinning momentum caused him to hit the ice with his body, rolling to his left side. _Move the momentum. I don’t want to end up stomach-down on the ice._ He twisted slightly, finally coming to a stop, laying flat on his back. “And that is an ungraceful fall,” he called out. __

“You okay?” Livvy and Wanda asked simultaneously.

Loki grunted as he pulled himself up using his core strength, clambering back up to a standing position and stretching slightly, trying to ease the pain of the landing. “Just a few more bruises to my collection.”

“Third time’s the charm,” Thor called.

“Aye-aye, coach,” Loki said, saluting exaggeratedly before gathering speed to head into another one. Kick off with the inside edge--there we are, now spin your body--one, two, three, three and a half, complete that turn--leg up--there--he hit the ice with the outside edge of his one skate, his free leg hinging out behind him. He pulled a deep curve with his skate, gliding backwards for a moment before turning again to skate forwards to talk to the others again.

“There, that’s what it should look like.”

“Good job!” Livvy said proudly.

“Can you repeat that in a competition, though?” Thor asked, grinning.

“Can you stop torturing me?” Loki responded, raising his eyebrows.

“Nope.”

“Alright, get ready for more failures,” Loki said, bowing exaggeratedly. “Hey, could someone get some snacks from the vending machine? I’m starving.”

“Well, that’s something,” Livvy said, raising her eyebrows.

“Shut up,” Loki called, already skating out onto the ice again. He flung himself into another axel, realizing as he left the ground that he hadn’t thrusted off strongly enough--he didn’t have nearly enough height to try a triple spin. _Double it is then. One, two, half--there we go. Easy landing._

“That one looked good,” Wanda called out. “You looked more in control.”

Loki leaned over, his hands on his slightly bent knees, laughing. “Alright, this whole time I’ve been doing triple axels and you can’t even tell the difference when I do a double?”

Wanda blushed. “Hey, I don’t pretend to know these things. I’m sure I counted three there.”

“Two and a half rotations for double, three and a half for triple,” Loki explained. “I had to switch that last minute because I didn’t have enough height to the jump. Alright, again.”

He skated backwards this time, turning forward at the last second before launching into the jump. This time he managed to land quite smoothly, and skated back to his onlookers triumphantly. “There’s about a fifty-fifty chance I’ll land this in the competition, what do you think?”

Livvy laughed. “I think you can do it. Is that a move that’s very common in figure skating?”

“In men’s figure skating, yes. It’s a high-point move, and if one can do it, one goes for it. In women’s, not so much. It’s a lot harder for a female to get it right. In order to get three and a half rotations, one has to get really good height, and that requires a lot of muscle and a lot of power.” He paused, panting slightly. “Hard for a woman to get. Sorry, I’m going to take a quick break.” He hopped up onto the barrier next to Livvy as Thor came back from the vending machine, holding an armful of various snacks. Loki looked over eagerly, pushing sweaty curls out of his face.

“How does an axel jump differ from the other types of jumps?” Wanda asked. “You mentioned earlier that it was different.”

“It’s easy to recognize, because it’s the only one that takes off when you’re skating forward. Every other jump starts from going backwards. Also, because every jump is landed backwards, you’ve got to add that extra half rotation.” He looked around. “Could someone get me my water bottle?”

“Sure,” Wanda said, hopping off the boards to fetch it for him.

Livvy scooted closer to Loki, so that their thighs and shoulders were touching. “I love it when you talk about skating. And when you skate.”

Loki chuckled, leaning away slightly. “Darling, I probably smell like sweat. You don’t want to be this close to me.”

“I disagree,” she said, pulling him back to her. “I don’t mind it at all.”

Turning his head, Loki gave her a kiss. “I love you, Livvy.”

“I love you too.”

He kissed her again. “Do you think I’ve redeemed myself from last night?”

“I still don’t think you had anything to redeem, but yes. I’m glad you seem to be feeling better now, too.”

“Here’s your water,” Wanda’s voice said, and Loki felt her tapping his back.

Loki twisted around to take it. “Thank you.” He took a long drink from it. “Ooh, that’s better.” He turned around and shouted for his brother. “Ey, Thor, what did you get?”

Thor walked up to the two of them from where he had been sitting on the benches. “I’ve got sun chips, peanut m&ms, pretzels, Fig Newtons…”

“Ooh, I’ll have the M&Ms,” Loki said enthusiastically.

“I’ll have Fig Newtons,” Livvy decided.

Thor handed the two what they had asked for. Loki suggested they share their snacks, so Livvy gave two of the fig newtons from the package to Loki, and he gave her half of the M&Ms. They ate in companionable silence as Loki caught his breath and cooled off slightly. Once they had finished eating, Loki took another long drink of water before hopping back onto the ice. “Come on, Livvy, let’s do a few slow laps.”

She smiled, joining him on the ice. They skated for several laps in silence, before Loki pulled Livvy over to the radio. “Choose a song.” She smiled, navigating to Youtube on his phone and turning on the song Nostalgia by Emily Barker. “Nice tune,” Loki commented as they started skating. Livvy began to sing along softly to it, moving her arm to the tune.

“It’s frustrating. When I skate with music, I want to be able to dance along to it like you can, but I can’t.”

“Hey, a lot of it is in just your regular movement, the way you move your arms and your hips, the speed you’re moving, your footwork.”

“I can’t do footwork though,” Livvy pointed out. “I can’t even skate backwards.”

“That’s actually not hard. I should teach you. Skating backwards, I mean. Footwork isn’t very easy and is really rather overlooked a lot of the time.” He let go of Livvy’s hand, quite confident that she could stay upright on her own. “If you’re going to fall, throw yourself onto your right side,” he warned her.

Turning himself backwards, he moved to the music, moving his feet in wide arcs and switching from one foot to two to the sound of the music, as well as moving his arms to the music. It was a slow, gentle dance that matched the music. When the song ended, Loki dropped back next to Livvy. “See, didn’t leave the ice at all.”

Livvy smiled. “No, but you did do a lot of complicated stuff. It looked great.”

“Thank you, darling. That’s more the ice dancing side.” He paused as the next song came on. “Is this I’m Still Here from Treasure Planet?”

“Sure is. I love this song.”

“Me too. Mind if I skate to it?”

“Of course not.”

He smiled, skating slightly ahead of her. The more aggressive beat called for bigger moves, and Loki found himself doing toe loops and other small jumps and spins. He stumbled somewhat on a sit spin, but managed to catch himself. The song wound to an end, and he returned to Livvy, grabbing her hand and skating backwards in front of her, smiling. “This is fun.”

Here I Am from Spirit started playing, and Loki swayed slightly to the music, still skating backwards in front of Livvy. “It’s a new day, it’s a new plan, I’ve been waiting for you…” Loki sang softly, suddenly dropping her hand and placing his hand on her waist, guiding her to turn with him, as he spread his legs in a spread-eagle position and suddenly picked her up, holding her high in the air as he glided sideways. He felt his center of balance shift off-kilter about halfway through the curve, and tried to correct it by moving his skate outward. All he succeeded in was making himself stumble, and he fell backward, focusing on how he was holding onto Livvy, making sure that she fell harmlessly. He ended up falling on his bum in a half-sitting position, and she landed on top of him, knocking him backwards so that he was laying on the ice with her laying on top of him, her skates narrowly missing cutting his legs. They started laughing hysterically at nearly the same time. “Sorry,” he choked out. “That was incredibly stupid.”

“Be grateful you didn’t get hurt,” Livvy said, gasping and wiping her eyes. “Did you see how close my toe picks got to your leg?”

“Yeah--probably should practice that off the ice first,” Loki said, still trying to stop his laughter. He pushed himself off of the ice, lifting Livvy with him, so that they were both standing, looking at each other. Smiling, he leaned toward her, kissing her passionately.

“You’re full of snow,” Livvy said, pulling away with a laugh. She threaded her hands through his damp hair, shaking out pieces of ice. “It’s adorable.”

Loki snorted, rubbing the patch of very short hair at the nape of Livvy’s neck. “Okay, I’d like to go through my routine a couple more times before we leave. Is that okay?”

“Sure,” Livvy said. “How long have we been skating together?”

“About an hour,” Loki said with a laugh. “Hard to believe it’s been so long.”

“I am feeling pretty tired,” Livvy admitted. “You must be exhausted. We’ve been here for close to four hours now.”

“That long?” Loki whistled. “I am tired. But I need to go over this routine. Besides, I want to be exhausted.” _If I’m tired enough, then I won’t dream tonight._

Livvy looked at him, her eyebrows furrowed. “Why’s that?”

He shrugged, skating to the radio. “Can you turn on the song when I get to my starting position?”

***

Loki flopped onto the couch, stretching his legs along its expanse and laying back, half sitting up. “Sorry, mind if I take over this? My legs hurt.” The group had just gotten back from the skating rink, and had walked home through the falling snow. Loki had felt himself flagging after his final routine practice—he hadn’t been able to attain the right height on half of his jumps, and had fallen or stumbled multiple times. Luckily, the others either hadn’t noticed or just didn’t mention it. Carrying Livvy to his apartment after that had been more taxing than it should have, and Loki had to admit to himself that he had overdone it. The long hours of skating combined with the sleeplessness of the night before had taken its toll on him. He had taken a shower before changing back into his regular clothes at the rink, and he found that all he wanted to do now was rest.

“Is it just me, or is it cold in here?” Livvy asked.

Thor moved to check the thermostat. “I think the generators are out,” he said with a groan. “I’ll go fetch some blankets.”

“Come lay next to me, darling,” Loki said tiredly, scooting over so that there was just enough space for her small body. She climbed onto the couch, half laying on top of him with her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her.

“Mm, you’re nice and warm,” Livvy said appreciatively.

“What’s for dinner?” Jane asked.

“I think I’ve got some chili in the freezer from when I made it a couple weeks ago,” Loki said. “If you add another couple of cans of beans to that, it should be enough to feed us all. Since the power’s out for real now, you’ll have to use the gas-powered camping stove.”

“Good idea,” Thor said, and Loki heard him fumbling around in the kitchen, opening the freezer for the food and getting the camping stove from a cupboard. Loki lay back, cherishing Livvy’s warmth and the feel of her head on his chest. So calming.

After around twenty minutes, which Loki spent checking his emails on his phone, thinking about his competition, or staring blankly at a wall—something that he found himself doing quite often, which truly spoke to his exhaustion, since his mind usually never stopped moving—Thor announced that the dinner was ready. “Can you bring me some?” Loki called from the couch.

“Are you okay?” Thor asked, leaning out from the kitchen to look at him.

“Fine. Just don’t feel like getting up.”

“Okay, brother, I’ll bring you some. Would you like something to drink?”

“I’ve got my water here. You’d better get Livvy her food, too, because I’m not letting her go. She’s injured and should rest.”

Livvy, who had just been trying to unwind Loki’s arms from around her, snorted. “Really, Loki?”

“He can be a bit of a drama queen when he wants to,” Jane said, laughing.

The two were handed their food a minute later by Thor. He had sprinkled cheese, sour cream, and oyster crackers on the meat and bean-filled chilli, and Loki are appreciatively for a change. At least that was one good thing about skating—he was always starving afterward.

The room was getting colder, and Thor handed out blankets after finishing his food. Loki set his own empty bowl aside and pulled the blanket close around him and Livvy. Wanda suggested they watch something on tv, and they found a nice murder mystery show called Death in Paradise. Loki watched for a while, but found he couldn’t focus on the storyline. His eyes itched for sleep, and he found them closing against his will.

***

Loki awoke to find that Livvy was gone, and heard Thor settling in to sleep on the mattress behind the couch. The black-haired man lay still for a second, half desiring to fall asleep again, before a strong need to go to the bathroom override those feelings. Swinging his legs over the edge of the couch, he pushed off his blankets and stood up.

“Where are you going, brother?” Thor asked.

“Just to the bathroom, do you have a problem with that?” Loki chuckled as Thor settled back on his mattress. “What time is it?”

“10:00. You’ve been asleep since 6:00.”

Loki nodded and left the room. He paused just outside of his bedroom, hearing voices inside.

“Hello, Mom!” Livvy’s voice said, and Loki realized that she was talking on the phone. “Sorry it’s so late. I’ve been meaning to call you this weekend but haven’t really gotten a chance.” There was a pause as she listened to what her mother was saying. “Yes, it has been a big snowstorm! Jane, Wanda, and I are actually trapped at Thor and Loki’s apartment right now…. Yeah, we’re being careful… Loki’s asleep in the lounge with Thor right now. Wanda and Jane are sharing Thor’s room and I’m in Loki’s…. yeah, it’s a bit awkward, but the whole thing with having two brothers here made it a hard situation. Besides, you know I prefer sleeping alone, so I’m happy with it.”

Loki wanted to listen to more, but his bladder was calling him, and he tapped on the door. “Hold on, Mom, someone’s at my door.” The door opened and Loki smiled at Livvy, who was holding her phone to her ear. “Oh, hi, Loki.”

“Hello darling. I just need to use the bathroom, if you don’t mind. I would have gone to Thor’s but my toothbrush is in here and his is scary anyway.”

Livvy laughed. “Right. Come in.” She turned to the phone again. “Yeah, apparently Loki’s not asleep anymore. He fell asleep on the couch when we got back from skating today… Yeah, he lives in an apartment within walking distance of the rink, so we managed to make it there. He was skating for over four hours, so yeah, I think he was pretty exhausted.”

Loki chuckled as he entered the bathroom, closing the door behind him and quietly eavesdropping as he emptied his bladder, washed his hands, and started brushing his teeth.

“It’s definitely been an interesting weekend. Yes, my shoulder is feeling better.” Loki wondered whether or not she had told her mother the whole story, and her next remark answered that for him. “It’s not that bad, Mom. He’s really nice, he’s just got a few issues.” He leaned closer to the door as her voice got quieter. “I’ve been learning more about those recently, actually. Most of it is just plain old PTSD—I had to help him out of a nightmare or flashback or whatever last night.” Loki’s chest constricted slightly as she said it, but he knew it would be normal for her to tell her mother everything. She had a right to know.

“It’s really not a big deal… yeah, I’m okay with it. As I said before, he’s trying his best not to let it get to him…. No, I really like him. It’s not just because he’s a figure skater or whatever…. I don’t know, he’s really sweet and gentle with me, but he’s also capable of being strong and supportive when he needs to be. Sometimes he can be a bit irritable, but I can too, so that’s not a big deal…. You’ve seen the photos I sent you from the hike, right?” A small chuckle. “Yeah, he is.”

_I am what?_ Loki wondered. He spat out the rest of his toothpaste and rinsed his mouth before exiting the bathroom and moving to his dresser to get some pajamas and fresh underwear. He reentered the bathroom, closing the door again, and got dressed quickly. Livvy’s conversation had moved on to talk about her work. “It’s nice having a break. They’ve basically shut the town down—the electricity is out in the apartment building. Last night, they had generators going for the heating, but it seems even those have been cut now. It’s freezing.”

Loki exited the bathroom and walked toward the bed. Livvy looked at him. “Loki, you’re going to freeze wearing that!”

Loki chuckled, looking at his t-shirt and sleep shorts. “It’s still more than I usually sleep in,” he purred quietly. “Besides, you’re not wearing a whole lot yourself.”

“Loki!” Livvy turned back to the phone, quickly explaining. “Sorry, um, no, I’m wearing one of his old flannel shirts. He’s really tall; it’s perfectly decent. Loki just likes to tease everyone… It's fine, Mom. You’ll understand when you meet him.”

Loki tilted his head, pointing at the phone. “Can I…?”

Livvy nodded. “Mom, Loki wants to talk to you, is that okay? Okay, here you go.”

She handed the phone to Loki, and he took it. “Hello, Mrs. Reynolds,” he said politely.

“Please, call me Marie,” the voice on the other end said quickly.

“Alright. I’m so sorry about this whole situation we’ve got here. It’s… most irregular. The snowstorm wasn’t supposed to hit us at all, so we really weren’t prepared for it. I don’t think anyone was.”

“Oh, that’s fine. Just make sure that you be careful. Your brother and Jane are getting married soon, aren’t they?”

“Next week. Feels strange to say it. Don’t worry, we’re being careful. In fact, I’m going to go to the living room—Thor’s going to wonder what’s taking so long. Be right back, Livvy darling.” He walked to the living room, and Thor glanced at him and nodded. Loki sat on the couch, wrapping a blanket around his shoulders.

“So are you all ready for the wedding?” Marie asked.

“There’s not a whole lot I have to do, really. Jane’s family is taking care of it. I’m to be the Best Man, of course, so I’ve got my suit for that. Then I suppose I’ll have the apartment all to myself for a change. We’ll have to find some new chaperones.”

“Yes, you will. Maybe Wanda could do it for you—she’s staying with you now, isn’t she?”

“That’s true. She’s really nice—I’m not sure what Livvy thinks of her though. Wanda’s got a bit of a crush on me, I think. She finds it really awesome how I can skate.”

“Oh, yes, Livvy mentioned you guys went skating today.”

“Heh, yes. That was fun. I’m actually practicing for a competition that I’m in on Saturday. I’d love it if you could come, actually. I’ve been wanting to meet you, and I can easily get you and your husband tickets.”

“I’ll have to ask John,” Marie responded, referring to her husband, “but we could probably go up there. I’ve been dying to meet you, so it would be nice. Are your parents going to be there?”

Loki hesitated, deciding how to answer that question. “I don’t think so. Mother died a few years back, and Odin, my father…” wasn’t invited, he finished in his head. “Isn’t really interested in my skating.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Marie said, and Loki couldn’t decide if she was referring to Frigga’s death or Odin’s lack of interest.

Loki got up, walking back to Livvy’s room. “Well, it would be nice to have you there. I can’t guarantee that I won’t fall on my face, but one can hope that I won’t. Livvy’s got a sister, right? She and her husband are welcome too. Just let Livvy know how many tickets to get you.”

“Thank you so much. I’m sure you’ll do well, and I’ll definitely let them know.”

Loki nodded, reaching Livvy’s room and handing back the phone. He gave her a quick kiss on the forehead before whispering goodnight and leaving the room, closing the door behind him. He lay back on the couch, pulling his blankets over him, suddenly exhausted again. Fenrir climbed onto his legs, curling up near Loki’s feet, creating a comfortable, calming weight. The man had barely closed his eyes before he was asleep.


	12. Melting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shortish chapter in which much happens. Loki gets threatened again, and delivers a threat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To answer your question, no, Benny will likely never be mentioned again. Poor guy.

_The ice felt slick under Loki’s feet as he skated to the rhythm of the music. He was just heading into the triple axel when a voice suddenly called out to him. “You’ve always been a disappointment to me, Loki. You’re never going to win this.” Loki recognized the voice as Odin’s, and felt his step falter. _

_“My greatest project, now my greatest failure,” a different voice chimed in. Loki felt someone push him from behind, and tumbled onto the ice as the audience gasped. He turned around—Rico was standing there, a wicked smile deforming the purple snake tattoo on his face._

_“Why can’t you ever just do what we want you two?” The two voices asked, melding into one. “Always a failure. You deserved to die as a child.” Loki squirmed backwards, trying to clamber back up to his feet, off of the cold icy surface. He felt sweat run down his face despite the cold of the rink, and realized he couldn’t get up—someone was holding him down. Blinded by the spotlight on him, he couldn’t see who it was.___

_ __ _

_ __ _

_“Please, let me finish my routine, I can succeed for you—”_

_“You think your skating will ever make me proud? No, Loki.” The voice was decidedly Odin’s now—almost gentle, yet disappointed. The disappointment was what sliced through him like a knife._

_“I only ever wanted to please you!”_

_Rico’s voice came through now. “You never did give me the money I wanted you to steal for me. You never were strong enough to be a gangster, you know that? You’re just weak. A weak, pathetic boy.”_

Loki felt something wet on his face. Was it raining? In the ice rink? A barking sound filled the air, and he reached his arm up, touching something soft and wet, yet warm…

Loki opened his eyes, breathing heavily as he stared into the grey and white face of his dog. “Fenrir! Oh, Fen, thank you. Good boy. Good boy.” Loki turned his head, noticing that the sun had come up, light streaming in through the gaps in the curtains. Fenrir stood on Loki’s body, his front paws on his chest. “You’re not a lap dog, Fen. That hurts,” Loki whispered, realizing that Thor was still asleep. Good. No one had to know about that nightmare.

They were becoming a lot more frequent, a fact that worried Loki slightly. He supposed it was from all the extra stress that he had been under, but a part of him was terrified of a possible relapse—going back to the time where he could hardly think, hardly do anything, without the traumatic memories invading his brain and forcing him into a near-constant panic mode.

He tried to force the thought away by shifting his mind to the question of how to carefully get his husky off of his chest. “Come on, boy,” he murmured, taking one of his legs and pushing it aside slightly. Fenrir quickly shifted his position, moving his paw over and extending his back leg to compensate. Loki felt a sharp pain in his crotch as the dog placed his weight on it. “OW, FEN, BLOODY—GET OFF.” He pushed the dog sideways, no longer worried about hurting him. The dog, looking confused, jumped off the couch and sat next to it, cocking his head. Loki grabbed at himself, wincing. So much for being quiet. “Seriously, Fenrir, do that again and I’ll castrate you with a rusty knife.”

A bemused laugh came from the hallway, and Loki looked up to see Livvy standing in the doorway. Loki felt heat rise into his cheeks. “Sorry.”

He heard Thor shift next to him, and a second later the blonde man poked his head over the back of the couch. “Got a problem, Loki?”

“Shut up, you two.”

“That’s quite the threat you’ve given the poor dog,” Livvy said, chuckling.

“Well I’d prefer to keep my own procreative abilities, thank you very much,” Loki defended himself.

“Why haven’t you gotten him neutered yet?” Livvy asked, looking at Fenrir, clearly wanting to change the subject slightly. Loki snorted but didn’t reply.

Thor looked at Loki. “Why is your face all wet? It’s hardly sweating weather in here.”

“Fenrir decided to wake me up by licking my face,” Loki explained quickly. _And I’m glad he did,_ he added to himself. _And I’m pretty sure I was sweating out of fear from the nightmare, brother, but you don’t need to know that._

“And barking,” Livvy added. “I thought you said Fenrir doesn’t bark.” She raised an eyebrow, and Loki shifted awkwardly, wondering how much she had figured out.

He laughed nervously, shifting so that he was sitting normally on the couch. “I guess he was really hungry this morning.” Livvy tilted her head at him, looking into his eyes as if to say that she hadn’t believed a word of that, but wasn’t going to say anything. Loki got up off the couch and walked to the kitchen, shivering. “It’s freezing in here.”

He washed his face in the sink and refilled his water bottle before sitting back on the couch and pulling the blankets back over him. He took a long sip from his water, then leaned back with a sigh. Livvy sat down and cuddled up next to him, taking half of his blankets to spread over the two of them. He put an arm around her and let himself think about the nightmare.

Sabotage. It was always a recurring theme around the week before a competition, building up thicker and thicker until on the day, Loki would make Thor check through every minute detail on his skates, costumes, and whatever else he felt could be tampered with. Thor always called him paranoid… but that wasn’t quite it. He just knew how the gang worked—and they could be petty if they wanted to be. Rico wanted to make his life miserable, and honestly, if he had been in their place, Loki would have tried to sabotage his competition, too. Humiliating him in front of everyone he cared about would really be a wonderful opportunity.

And then there was Odin, fresh in his mind from when Livvy’s mother had mentioned him. Always so disappointed in his younger son, Odin had always expected better. And all Loki could do was try to improve at his skating, because that was really all he was ever good at, but that really didn’t help very much because Odin didn’t like him skating to begin with. Any hope of making Odin proud had evaporated long ago… but that didn’t mean that Loki didn’t still long for it.

Loki ran a hand through his hair, and Livvy didn’t miss the nervous gesture, gently rubbing his arm. “What’s wrong, Loki?” She murmured gently.

He shook his head. “Nothing.” He noticed that Thor was in the kitchen, trying to find some breakfast to make. “Thor, whatever you’re making, please don’t make me any,” he called over his shoulder.

“Brother—”

“I’ll have something else later. Please.” He heard muffled voices coming from Thor’s room, and realized that the other two girls were up already. “What time is it?” He asked Livvy, who was still soothingly rubbing his arm.

“7:00. You wake up way too early.”

“Fen woke me up,” Loki reminded her, yawning. “Something that you’re clearly overly concerned about,” he added quietly.

Livvy sighed. “I don’t think I’m wrong. If I can help in any way—”

“Olivia, darling, I know you mean well, but I don’t want you focusing on helping me all the time. Please.”

“But I want to,” she said, moving her hand to play with his curls. Loki sighed and leaned into her slightly, and she shifted so that he was laying with his head in her lap. She continued to play with his hair, winding his black strands around her finger before letting them go and watching them bounce back to his head. A solitary tear dropped from his eye.

“I wish I wasn’t like this, darling.”

“Shh. You’re fine. I love you for who you are, and I love all your faults too.”

“What must others think of us? They probably think I’m far too unstable for a relationship.”

“I’m sure they think nothing, Loki.”

Loki let out a half sob, half laugh. “That’s a fair thought to lie between lady’s legs.”

Livvy laughed and slapped him lightly on the arm. “You cheeky thing. I do approve of you quoting Hamlet to me, though. Although avoiding the innuendoes might be wise.”

“Why?” Loki asked with a lopsided grin. “Thor wouldn’t have understood what I said for anything. I’m rather impressed that you did.”

“I’m glad to see you’ve got your wit back,” Livvy said with a chuckle. “Or, should I say, you are keen, Loki, you are keen.”

“It would cost you a groaning to take off my edge,” Loki murmured with a grin. At her expression, he chuckled. “You really asked for that one, darling. I’m just quoting the next line, darling Ophelia.”

“Alright then, Hamlet,” Livvy said, laughing and pushing him upright again as she heard the other girls start to walk in. Loki reluctantly returned to a sitting position, and drew Livvy close to him with an arm around her shoulder. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, whispering a thank you into her ear. She smiled at him in response.

“Guys, I have no idea what to make,” Thor said when Wanda and Jane arrived in the room.

“You've been looking for like half an hour and you found nothing?” Livvy asked raising her eyebrows.

“It was hardly half an hour,” Thor said, crossing his arms.

“How many eggs do we have left?” Loki asked tiredly. “We should have one, right?”

“Yes, but how can we feed five people with one egg?”

“Make pancakes,” Loki said, sighing. “Obviously.”

“Oh. Thank you, Brother. Good idea. Are you sure you don’t want any?”

“Just, make the batch, Thor.”

“Right.” Thor looked somewhat concerned, but thankfully remained silent. Loki felt his anxiety returning slightly and pulled Livvy closer.

“Do you want to go for a walk or something?” Livvy asked quietly.

“I’m honestly exhausted, but that’s probably a good idea. Do you want to?”

Livvy shrugged. “I’d like to talk to you alone and it’s just as cold in here as it is out there, so sure, why not.”

“Okay. Let’s go find some clothing, then.” He got up off the couch, pulling Livvy up behind him, and they walked into his room together. Leaving the door open, Loki opened the chest of drawers and set about looking for a pair of pants for Livvy. “It’s getting harder to find you clothing that’ll fit.”

“Your waist isn’t too too much wider than mine—just give me a pair of your skinny jeans or something and a belt.”

“Alright,” Loki agreed, handing them to her, along with a long-sleeve shirt. He chose a long sleeve black shirt for himself, pairing it with a pair of black skinny jeans and a pair of black lace-up boots. After they separately got dressed, Loki grabbed tailored his black woolen coat and snapped a leash onto Fenrir’s leather collar. Livvy borrowed Wanda’s boots again, and put on her own jacket over her clothing. The clothing didn’t fit too badly, although it looked a little sloppy. _Best we can do, though. _

“The roads should be getting plowed today,” Loki said as they started their walk. Livvy nodded, and Loki scratched Fenrir’s head. He sighed heavily. “So I gather you figured out what happened with Fen and I this morning.”

“You referring to him stepping on you, or…”

“Oh, shut up,” Loki said with a small chuckle.

“I think you woke up the whole household with that,” Livvy said, laughing.

“Hey, he’s a fifty-pound dog, and he was putting at least half of his weight on that paw. You would also be yelling if he did that to you.”

“Oh, but he couldn’t do that to me, could he?”

“Shut up, Olivia.” Loki chuckled. They walked for a short while before Livvy spoke, her voice now serious.

“But on the other subject… yeah. He woke you up for a reason, didn’t he?”

Loki ran his fingers through his hair. “Yes. That’s what I meant about Fenrir taking care of me when Thor moves out--he’s more or less taught himself that if he licks my face, that’ll wake me up. If that doesn’t work right away, he’ll bark. That dog is practically mute except for those times.”

Livvy nodded. “I thought so. So, he can wake you up--but what about situations like the one on Sunday night?”

Loki took a deep breath, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. “Licking my face and barking often has a lot more of a waking up effect than what Thor does.”

Livvy raised her eyebrows. “Well, I’ll keep that in mind next time I need to wake you up,” she said playfully.

Loki gave her a lopsided smile, appreciating her attempt at humor but also not really in the mood for it. “But then I’ve never really tested Fenrir with a big one like that. He’s gotten me out of both flashbacks and nightmares before, but I haven’t tried with the combination one like the other night. Those don’t happen often, and Thor’s usually there. Fen usually tries to help him out, but from what I gather, he had gotten himself locked in Thor’s room that night. I think Thor sometimes also pushes him away—Fenrir can get pretty agitated in these situations and I wouldn’t blame Thor if he thought Fenrir might hurt me in his panic.”

“But you raised him; he’d never hurt you.”

“Probably not,” Loki said with a shrug. “Either way, I’m rather reliant on him if no one else is around. I prefer people not to know about what goes on with me, so I like it when he can quietly wake me up before I get to the worst part. Fenrir was only a puppy when I was going through the worst of it—probably how I could manage feeding him every hour. Wasn’t sleeping anyway.” He grimaced. “That was an awful year. But my point is, I think he’s gotten used to it since he’s been raised with me and my issues, and can sense quite well when I’m somewhat calm and when I’m—not.”

“You should get him registered as an emotional support animal.”

Loki shrugged. “I’ve considered it, but I don’t really need to take him anywhere with me besides out on my runs. Otherwise I’m pretty safe from myself.”

“Safe from yourself?” Livvy repeated.

“Let’s face it, he’s only protecting me from myself. My nightmares aren’t going to hurt anyone but myself. Even Rico is more focused on getting in my head than physically hurting me.”

“He cut your arm open!”

He laughed humorlessly. “Darling, if he wanted to actually hurt me, he would have done a lot worse. Trust me, he’s hurt me before. No, he cut my arm to remind me of when he’s really hurt me in the past.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because, Livvy, haven’t you figured that out yet? I know exactly what he’s thinking because him and I think in exactly the same way. We’re very alike, whether we like it or not.” He paled slightly, sickened by his own words, and looked away.

“You are not like him, Loki. You don’t try to get inside people’s heads.”

Loki frowned. “I could. I have before. I was called a trickster because I’m a good liar, I’m good at tricking people into trusting me and then taking advantage of them. Haven’t you realized that? If I wanted to lie to you, you’d never know. It’s as easy as breathing to me, and in fact I’ve had a hard time letting go of that habit since I’ve… reformed. I can intimidate people rather well, and yes, I can get in people’s heads and twist their own thoughts to do what I want them to simply by talking. I’m Silvertongue. I know you haven’t seen all that, but you have to know that that’s all true. I am like Rico. I’m just trying to be good rather than bad like him for a change.”

“You’re going to have to show me this, Loki. I just can’t quite see it.”

“You’re not letting yourself see it, darling. You want me to be perfect and you’re looking for that, not for the truth. I’ll show you when we get back. I’ll come up with something to do.” He paused. “I’m not sure what, but I’ll try something later today.”

Livvy looked at him. “But by that logic, half of what you say could be a total lie.”

Loki chuckled humorlessly. “Thor has always said he can’t trust me because of it. You’ve just got to hope that I’m being honest with you in that moment.” He paused. “I promise you I’ve been as honest as I can with you. If you choose to trust my promise.”

“There’s no good answer to that, is there?”

“Nope. As I said, Thor doesn’t trust me. He thinks half the things I do are part of some sort of trick. He makes out like he’s a devoted brother, but I swear 90% of the time he’s watching me suspiciously. That’s not just from the gang involvement, either—I’ve always been that way.” He walked a little too close to Livvy and bumped into her slightly. “Sorry.”

They continued walking in silence, and Loki tossed Livvy’s phone into the air and caught it repeatedly, a sly grin on his face. She glanced over at him briefly, then suddenly did a double take. “How did you get my phone? It was in my pocket.”

Loki laughed. “Just demonstrating my pickpocketing skills.”

“Well then… good job, I guess?”

Loki chuckled. “It does occasionally come in handy.”

Soon they looped back to the apartment, and Loki gave Livvy a passionate kiss before they entered. “Sorry, this is practically our only moment of privacy,” he murmured. She chuckled, shutting him up by pressing her lips back on his. They spent a couple minutes standing on the doorstep before finally Loki sighed and unlocked the door.

Inside, it smelled like pancakes cooking, making Loki’s stomach turn. “Good walk?” Thor asked as Loki unclipped Fenrir’s leash and took off his coat and boots.

“Yep, nice and refreshing,” Livvy answered. “I’m starving now.”

“Pancakes will be ready shortly,” Thor said.

Loki picked up his laptop and sat on the couch with it, putting a couple blankets over his lap. He navigated to his emails and began typing one out to Heimdall, explaining his practice from the day before. Livvy curled up next to Loki, watching him type.

A knock on the door startled Loki, and he nearly threw his laptop off his lap in his over-the-top reaction. Livvy raised her eyebrows and caught it. “It’s just the door, not an assassin, Loki.”

“Right,” he responded, blushing as Jane went to answer it.

A male voice spoke. “I’d like to speak to Loki Laufeyson.”

A look of fear crossed over Loki’s face, and he stiffened noticeably for a split second before he swallowed hard and forced a confident smirk on his face. He knew it was convincing—it wasn’t the first time he had done this. “Alright, I’m coming,” he said casually, passing the laptop to Livvy and walking to the door with slow, unhurried steps. “Hello, Benny. I’ve got guests. You might have chosen a better time for this. Why don’t you come in and have some pancakes?” His voice was calm and casual, but there was a hint of ice in his sharp green eyes.

“Don’t mock me,” the man said. He was the same height as Loki, and had strong muscles—Loki knew from watching him fight that he was almost, if not as strong, as Thor. “Rico sent me to find out where you live.”

Loki pushed at his cuticles unconcernedly. “Oh, so you’re still stuck doing Rico’s dirty work?” He looked up at Benny, his eyes as hard as his voice was smooth. “Remember when you were under my command, Benny? How good I was to you? My right-hand man. The muscle to my cunning. I do believe you called me your friend. You should follow my example and run from this gang before they hurt you more.”

“Don’t use your words on me, Silvertongue,” Benny snapped. “You left us, and you know you’re not allowed to do that. Don’t you dare try to persuade me to do the same. Nothing you say will make me not tell Rico where to find you.”

“Oh,” Loki said, his tone instantly changing to one of malice. He reached out and drew a line along the man’s cheek, where Rico’s tattoo lay. “Is that how we’re playing it, then? How do you think Rico would appreciate me telling him how you slept with his woman?”

The man visibly paled in front of him. “Oh yes,” Loki breathed. “You and I know exactly what he would do to you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Wouldn’t I?” Loki stared at the man, narrowing his eyes into slits. “You know me, Benny. No allegiance to any man. I work for myself, and you know that.” He leaned in close. “Mark my words, you bloody snake. One word from you and your secret is out.”

“But if I don’t tell him—”

Loki raised his eyebrows. “I already advised you to leave, Benny. Rico doesn’t need you. You’re just another henchman. Oh, the punishment would be so much worse if I was to share your little secret.”

“And why would Rico trust you?” Benny seemed to be gaining a bit of strength, but Loki easily kept his facade of bravado. He was thankful the man couldn’t tell how fast his heart was beating—but there was also a part of him that was characteristically enjoying this little show. He idly wondered what the others thought of him.

“He’s always trusted me, you three-inch fool. He’s always been suspicious of you, and you know it. Run along, little clotpole, and if I hear a word…”

The man was practically quivering now. “Sure, right, yeah.” He turned, practically running down the stairs. Loki stepped out the door and into the stairwell, watching him exit the building before going back inside and slamming the door shut, making sure it was securely locked. Everyone was staring at him, their expressions both awed and horrified.

“We may be in trouble,” Loki said slowly. “Depends whether or not he takes my threat seriously. I think he will, so that bides us some time. I think I scared him pretty well. Thank goodness I guessed correctly.”

“Hang on,” Livvy said suddenly. “You just made up that whole threat?”

“Educated guess.”

“Will you actually tell Rico if…” Thor began carefully.

Loki snorted. “As if he’d believe me.”

“But you said—”

Loki spread out his arms. “See, Livvy? I was so convincing on that score that even you guys believed me. No, he totally almost called my bluff at that point. Luckily I’m not called Silvertongue for no reason.” He laughed for a moment, sounding nearly deranged.

“Loki…” Thor said, staring at him.

Loki straightened up, turning in a circle to see everyone in the room. “Stop acting like I just killed someone,” he snapped. “Do you want a gang showing up on our doorstep? Benny obviously followed us here. Next time, Rico will be the one coming for us, if he doesn’t manage to extract the information from Benny first.” Loki’s face began to pale, losing the bravado from the conversation, and he suddenly hurried into the kitchen and dry heaved into the sink. “Sorry,” he choked out. “I’m trying to keep us alive,” he said, annunciating the words precisely, not moving from where he was leaning toward the sink, his hands on the counter on either side.

“Well, you’re very good with your Shakespearean insults,” Livvy said, trying to change the subject a bit.

“Who was he?” Wanda asked.

“Just who I said he was. One of Rico’s disposables, sent out to do the dirty work. He’s strong but an absolute idiot. Easy to talk him around. Rico essentially placed me as his second-in-command, so I often bossed him around.”

“So what now?” Jane asked. “If they know where you live, what will they do with that information?”

“I have no idea,” Loki admitted. “In fact, it doesn’t make any sense that Benny would draw attention to the fact that that’s what he was trying to find out. It may have just been a scare tactic.” He finally turned around, leaning his back against the counter, the sink behind him. “In which case we’re safe.” He paused. “Well, Wanda and Jane, I’m going to go ahead and say you’re not in any danger. If we could just lay low for a while, we should be okay. I’m really most afraid for you, Livvy, but they shouldn’t have tracked your home yet.”

“Why me?” Livvy asked, eyes wide. “You’re the one they’re trying to get to.”

“There’s more than one way to skin a cat,” Loki explained. “I don’t care about myself, and he knows that. He can do what he likes to me, but if he hurts someone I care about”—he set his jaw and closed his eyes—“there’ll be a problem.”

“Do you think he’d kill me?”

Loki opened his eyes again. “Haven’t we discussed this, darling?”

“You haven’t been very specific in what you’re so concerned about. I’d like to know what to expect. Kidnapping? Break-in? Murder? What? What’s his aim?”

“I’d go for rape,” Loki said slowly, and everyone stared at him. “Accomplishes a variety of purposes all at once, and humiliates all of us. Takes away my right to take your virginity one day, and takes away your right over your own body, which, by the way, is a good way to get inside a person’s head. I know because he’s done it before.” Loki closed his eyes briefly and swallowed hard, feeling Fenrir’s nose nuzzle his hand.

“Hang on, so this guy’s a murderer and a rapist?” Jane interjected. “Why can’t the police get hold of him?”

“I’ve told you, he’s slippery. Hard to catch. Moves all the time. I myself have no clue where he is right now. He comes to you, not the other way around. Also, he’s dangerous, so for the most part… the police sort of turn a blind eye. Most gang issues are between themselves and rival gangs. Let them kill each other, it doesn’t matter. Yes, we were involved in a bank robbery, but that failed, and other than that, most of the public issues that we had had to do with simple vandalism. A crime, yes, but not one that most would risk angering a gang over.”

“But if he’s raped people before…” Thor began, “I mean, he’s pretty recognizable.”

“I don’t think anyone’s reported it, much less gone to the hospital for it,” Loki said with a sigh. “There’s no DNA evidence because no one is brave enough to give any, and there’s no one who’s willing to give a description and ID him positively because he’s got at least ten murderous people on his side, you see?”

Livvy exhaled deeply, looking rather pale. “Why in the world did you get involved with these people, Loki?” Her voice shook slightly, and Loki walked over to her quickly, wrapping her in a hug.

“I’m so sorry, darling. I’m so, so sorry.”

There were a couple minutes of silence as the couple clung to each other, each taking strength from the other’s arms. Finally Thor cleared his throat.

“Pancakes, anyone?”

***

_At least the ice is one constant in my life,_ Loki thought as the white surface glided beneath his skates. Soft, smooth, free, effortless curves were drawn into the icy whiteness. Loki focused his mind on the hissing sound of it passing over the metal of his blades, trying to quiet his other thoughts. Wanda, Jane, and Livvy had finally been able to go home, and they had done so shortly after breakfast. Loki had talked to Livvy, urging her to tell him if anyone she didn’t know showed up at her door, or if she noticed anyone watching her--if she did, he would figure out some way to have her protected at all times. He had phoned the police with the latest developments, and thankfully they were taking the whole situation very seriously. Rico was a wanted man.

Loki flipped into a backwards skate before stabbing his toe pick in the ice, launching off and spinning three times before executing a good one-foot landing of the triple toe loop. “Good job,” Heimdall’s voice called from the sidelines. “You’re really getting the hang of that one.”

Heimdall had called Loki just after the friends had left, telling him that he could be at the rink that day, and Loki had eagerly agreed to go for a long practice. He needed the distraction, and he needed the practice if he was to do well at competition. He skated free loops around the rink, mostly gliding along, before looping back to Heimdall, who was watching him with his eyebrows furrowed. “Are you alright, Loki?”

“Just a little stressed,” he admitted. “Some stuff going on in my personal life, and of course I’m nervous for this weekend.”

“Don’t let it get to you,” Heimdall said in a rare moment of compassion. “You’ll do fine. You’re one of my greatest skaters.”

You were my greatest project. The words echoed in Loki’s head, and he squeezed his eyes shut, gripping the boards as the world tilted around him. I warned you, Silvertongue. I warned you that if you double-crossed us, you would face something worse than death. The scenes of fire and torture shot past him in his mind. _My mind, my own worst enemy--he’s turned my mind against me. I have to fight it. Fight it. I can’t let him do this to me. Then he wins._ The sudden clarity washed over him, and he opened his eyes, startled to find himself sitting on the ice. Heimdall was kneeling in front of him, looking panicked. “Loki! Are you alright? What just happened?”

Loki didn’t answer right away, instead breathing deeply and heavily. “Sorry,” he said quickly, swallowing hard and grabbing a fistful of his hair. “I think I’ve told you before--” _Why can’t I catch my breath?_ “PTSD. Flashback.”

“Breathe, Loki.”

He nodded quickly, focusing on that before speaking. “Sorry. That’s--never happened here before.” He grabbed at the boards, pulling himself up onto shaky legs.

“Take your time, Loki. Here, come sit.” He offered Loki his arm, and Loki gratefully took it, walking over to the benches slowly and sitting down. He buried his face in his hands, feeling somewhat embarrassed.

“I really wasn’t expecting that.”

“You need to take care of your mental health as well as your physical, Loki. I know you’ve had your struggles, but this--I’ve never seen you this bad.”

Loki laughed humorlessly into his hands. “My whole mental state is melting with the snow outside.”

Heimdall rubbed Loki’s back, seeming somewhat at a loss as to what to do. “What’s causing all this?”

“It seems that the old gang is trying to find me again. I don’t know why, but it seems they want revenge for me leaving. Maybe to teach an example to newcomers; I don’t really know.” He sighed, lifting his head slightly and running a hand through his hair. “You knew me right from the beginning, Heimdall. Haven’t you seen me worse than this?”

He thought about that for a moment. “You’ve never had a problem when you’ve been here. You always looked exhausted and underfed, but you always seemed okay once you got on the ice.”

“So why am I backtracking now?” Loki looked up at the black man, desperation etched in his face. “I don’t understand.”

“It’ll pass, Loki. Just like everything else. You’ll get through it.”

“I hope so.” Loki stood up, feeling steadier. “I need to get back onto the ice.”

“Have you eaten anything today?” Heimdall asked suddenly.

Loki hesitated before shaking his head wordlessly and stepping back on the ice, carving figure eights with his feet as he glided along the slick surface. Heimdall skated up to him, putting a hand on his arm and stopping his momentum. “First of all, starving yourself leading up to contest is a horrible idea, and you know that. Secondly”--his tone softened-- “you’ve got to push through it, Loki. Don’t let your mind get control of you like that.”

“I need to fight it,” Loki murmured quietly. “That’s what I just thought.” He blinked, shaking his head as if to clear it and gently removing Heimdall’s hand from his arm. He skated fast across the ice, feeling the breeze he generated throwing his hair backwards. He spread his arms before launching into his triple axel, letting himself flow through the movements. His body responded to his cues, and he felt himself calm as he flew through the air, landing on his right leg, his body tipping forward elegantly in a camel position.

“That was good, Loki!”

_Fight it_, he thought as he went for another jump. _I’ve been so busy repressing this that I haven’t faced it head-on._


	13. Competition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some nasty surprises and extreme nervousness. Did my best with this--writing skating is hard and requires hours of research xD
> 
> I think we all expected the ending. Sorry for being cliche, haha.  
Next chapter is more fun.

Loki laced up his new skates, allowing himself a small smile. He traced his fingers along the gold blades, marveling at the gift that Livvy had given him a couple days before. Heimdall had been uneasy at first at Loki’s decision to wear the new skates for the contest, but Loki had practiced on the ice with them the previous two days, and he had done well. The golden blades lent him a confidence he hadn’t previously had. Somehow, knowing that these were from Livvy just made them so special.

He slipped on his skate guards before standing up and looking over at Thor, who was hovering in the locker room. Loki took a deep, shaky breath, and gave him a thumbs-up. He was feeling a little calmer than he usually felt, to his surprise. He reached into his locker and pulled out his old skates, which now looked dingy and banged-up in comparison to his new ones. He ran his fingers along them experimentally.

“Thor, look at this,” Loki said suddenly, urgently, as his fingers caught on a piece of fabric. “Someone’s destroyed these skates.” He looked at Thor, his eyes wide, despite the fact that he had almost been expecting it. After the awful Tuesday Loki had had, he had called Livvy up and told her not to change her daily routine, not to react to the threats as much as she could. He had done the same, and it seemed to be working--getting himself riled up over it was exactly what Rico wanted. He had been getting in Loki’s head again. Of course, Loki had still been quietly tormented by his paranoia of the failure of his competition, and as a result had barely eaten for the last week, something that Heimdall was not at all happy about. There honestly wasn’t a whole lot Loki could do about it, though.

It was 6:00 on Saturday night, and the competition was due to start in an hour. Loki had eaten a light breakfast that morning, and a couple protein bars later in the day, due to Thor’s urging. He took a deep breath as he traced the cut in the skate again--it was a long slash, right on the side, rendering the skate unusable. It didn’t look accidental at all. Clearly Loki’s lack of a reaction to Rico’s fear tactics were getting to them, and they were trying to make it worse for him.

“How did they get into your locker?” Thor asked, wide-eyed.

Loki shrugged. “Probably got hold of the janitor’s keys. I could do that easily if I wanted to, so I’m sure it wasn’t too hard for them.” He looked up at Thor meaningfully. “See? It’s not just paranoia. I’ve been waiting for this. I’m just thankful I kept my new skates at home, otherwise what would I have done?” Loki took a breath, feeling a little shaken by the incident, and shoved the skates back into his locker. He noticed something else lurking in the shadows, and reached a hand in to find a Ziplock bag. “What’s this?” he murmured to himself.

He pulled it out, instantly recognizing what it was and dropping it on the ground, his face going ashen white. Thor looked at him in alarm before bending down and picking up the ziplock. Inside was a note with the words, ‘Remember this?’ and a piece of blood-stained fishing line. Thor found himself paling. “Is this..?”

“I need the bathroom,” Loki choked out, running toward the toilets in the locker room. Thor followed him quickly, stuffing the unhappy memento into his pocket. He found Loki bent over a toilet, vomiting, and gently rubbed his back. “That’s such a Rico move,” Loki gasped when he had finished retching. “Once again, trying to get into my head.” His hands clenched into fists, and he set his jaw. “I can’t let him do it, Thor. I’m not letting him back in.”

“That’s right, Loki,” Thor said approvingly. “You get out there and forget what anyone says. Show them you can do it.”

Loki’s face suddenly lost the bravado and he began retching into the toilet again. Not so easy. “Please just get rid of that,” Loki said quickly. “I never want to see that again. I don’t know why he kept it.”

“That guy’s got issues,” Thor stated.

“No kidding.” Loki clambered to his feet and flushed the toilet. “Okay, I should get to the ice to warm up,” he said quickly.

“You feeling better?”

“A little.” He headed back to his locker and drank some water from his bottle. “It’s all good and fine to say that I’m not going to let him get to me, but it’s a lot harder to do that,” Loki said with a sigh.

“I think that’s to be expected,” Thor said, smiling wanly. “You’ve been through a lot. Just go for it.”

“Did you tell Livvy to meet me out here?” Loki asked. She had come with her parents and her sister and her husband, but Loki had asked Thor to ask her to meet him privately outside the locker room before the show. Thor nodded, and Loki stepped outside the locker room, instantly spotting Livvy standing there waiting for him. Another girl was standing next to Livvy--a little taller than the redhead, with long brown hair and blue eyes shining brightly out behind her glasses. He took in Livvy’s appearance--she was wearing a nice navy-blue dress with cats on it, with a black cardigan over it and black stockings underneath. She was wearing a nice high pair of lace up boots. Livvy smiled as he spotted Loki, and tapped her companion on the arm, pointing. Loki strode over to them in his skates and costume.

“Hello, Livvy darling,” He said, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Hi, Loki. You alright? You look a bit pale.” She leaned in closer and whispered, “and you smell like you just threw up.”

“Sorry… Bit nervous is all. Got some nasty surprises in my locker, but we’ll discuss that later.” He turned to Livvy’s companion. “Is this your sister?”

“Yes, right. Linda, this is Loki. Loki, this is Linda.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Loki said, shaking her hand and self-consciously noticing how clammy it was. “Heh, sorry.”

Livvy searched through her purse for a minute before pulling out a box of mint tic-tacs and handing a couple to Loki. “Here, I got these for you to solve that breath issue. So what happened with your locker?”

“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head, gratefully taking the tic-tacs from Livvy and popping them in his mouth. “You can ask Thor. You know what they say: ‘There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.’ So I’m trying not to think about it.”

“Only Hamlet says that,” Livvy said with a small smile, taking Loki’s hand and squeezing it. “You can do this, Loki. Let the rest of the world fade away.”

“We’re all rooting for you!” Linda said enthusiastically. “Your dad’s sitting with us, too.”

Loki stiffened. “What?” he breathed quietly, turning a shade paler again.

Livvy looked quickly at Linda. “You weren’t supposed to tell him that!”

“Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

Loki pinched the bridge of his nose, breathing rhythmically in and out. “Okay, who invited Odin?”

“Your own father should be invited, Loki.” Livvy’s voice was gently.

“Don’t tell me you did this,” he said, his voice quivering angrily.

“No, no, I’m just saying--don’t be so upset at whoever did.”

“Curse that brother of mine,” Loki said frustratedly. “Sorry Linda. It’s just--he’s always made me feel like I’m not good enough.” He sighed, dropping his hands to his sides. “Not a whole lot I can do about that now, I guess. Short of storming in there and strangling Thor. Or Odin, both work.”

Livvy raised her eyebrows, and he chuckled, stretching out his arms by hugging himself. He leaned forward and gave Livvy a kiss. “Okay, I need to get on the ice.” He closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath. He leaned closer to his girlfriend and spoke in a whisper. “Give me one thing I can count on, love.”

“Doubt thou the stars are fire; doubt that the sun doth move; doubt truth to be a liar; but never doubt I love.” Livvy murmured the Hamlet quote softly into Loki’s ear before giving him a kiss.

“Oh, goodness, I love you so much, darling,” Loki said, smiling. “You’re the only reason I can do this.”

Livvy smiled. “I think you could do it on your own. I’ve seen you skate--you’re very good.”

“There’re a lot of people that won’t agree with you,” Loki said with a sigh. “Try asking Odin what he thinks.”

“He really doesn’t seem so bad. Give him a chance.”

“Talk to me about that later; for now, I haven’t got time to discuss mending relationships with people who will never accept me.” He gave Livvy a quick hug, and placed his hand briefly on Linda’s shoulder. “Good to meet you. See you after.” With that, he turned around and hurried toward the rink. He paused briefly, looking back and lifting up his foot, pointing to the skate and giving Livvy a thumbs up. She smiled and gave him a thumbs up in return.

He met Heimdall by the boards. “Okay, let’s do this,” Loki said with a deep breath. Heimdall smiled at him.

“You can do this, Loki. Now, go out there and loosen up.”

Loki nodded, stepping onto the ice and skating freely with the other contestants. He looked up into the stands, catching sight of Livvy’s red hair and waving at her and her family. She waved back enthusiastically as he looked back at the ice. He slipped into a quick single axle, stretching out his body and getting used to the movements. As usual, the ice drained him of any leftover anxious feelings, and he let himself melt into it, practicing a few small moves but mostly just loosening his body by skating, both forwards and backwards. All too soon, the ice was being cleared, prepared for the first contestant, and Loki went and stood next to Heimdall, who handed him a water bottle and urged him to drink. Loki danced on his feet impatiently as he watched the ice getting resurfaced.

“You good, Loki?” Heimdall had been very keen to Loki’s emotional state since what had happened on Tuesday, something Loki found slightly uncomfortable yet he somewhat appreciated.

“Yes, just nervous, as I usually am.”

“There will be three contestants ahead of us,” Loki’s coach told him. “Try not to worry about what they’re doing.”

“Should I compensate if I won’t get enough points on my routine?” Loki asked.

“You can,” Heimdall said hesitantly. “Just make sure you can actually do it. Trying to use more complex moves and failing them can be less helpful than it is harmful.”

“True. We’ll see.”

The first skater stepped onto the ice, and Loki half-watched, spending much of his time stretching, filled with nervous energy. He looked up as the scores were announced. “Quite high,” he commented, grimacing.

“Still not unbeatable,” Heimdall reassured him. “He tripped a bit on his combination, and lost a few points there, and his style points aren’t all the way up.”

The second skater stepped onto the ice, and Loki watched him, biting his lip nervously as the man landed a perfect triple axel. He continued watching him—triple toe loop… he turned to Heimdall anxiously. “I think I should make it a flying sit spin and I can replace a different jump with a triple axel if I need to.”

The coach raised an eyebrow. “Just make sure you can do it before you go changing things last-minute.”

Loki nodded, his brain frantically trying to calculate his opponent’s points and his own chances of landing harder moves. The skater left the ice, and Loki rocked on his skate guards nervously as he heard the results and watched the next skater take on the ice. He felt like tightly-wound spring with all the nervous energy inside of him, waiting to explode. It made his stomach swim. “I feel sick,” he murmured to his coach.

Heimdall checked his watch. “Bit late for that, Laufeyson. Deep breaths, okay? Yoga breathing. It’s going to be okay. I believe in you.”

Loki nodded, doing as he was told and feeling the nausea retreat somewhat. He leaned his arms on the boards, his head looking resolutely at them rather than the skater ahead. The sound of scraping ice made him look up just in time to see the skater fall on the landing of one of his jumps. “Well, he’s out,” Heimdall murmured. “That should make you feel better.”

“Not really,” Loki admitted. “That could be me.”

“You’re not very good at being positive. You’re a great skater. Believe in yourself. I can see you winning this.”

Loki gave him a small smile. “It’s not about winning. It’s about making everyone who’s watching proud of me.”

“You’ve always worried entirely too much about what others think of you.”

Loki shrugged. His coach wasn’t wrong, but Loki just couldn’t help it. Those years in the gang, he had dedicated himself to disappointing his family, to hurting them. If they wouldn’t be proud of him, they could darn well be scared of him.

Really, as long as they felt something about him. They could hate him, they could be scared of him, but he didn’t want them to pity him, or, worse yet, be indifferent to him. Just become somebody they used to know.

Loki closed his eyes gently and inhaled deeply. Now was his chance. If they could be proud of him, just for one moment…

“Alright, Loki, you can head onto the ice now,” Heimdall said. Loki’s eyes flew open, and he nodded quickly, walking onto the ice and skating around to face his coach. “Here, have some water,” he said. “Now remember—don’t think too hard about what you’re doing. Let yourself dance to the music. Forget there’s anyone else watching.”

Nodding, Loki took a quick sip of water before handing the bottle back to Heimdall and skating in a slow loop to the center of the ice. The lights dimmed and a spotlight shone on him. _Curse that spotlight,_ Loki thought with a scowl. _They don’t use a spotlight in higher-up competitions. All it does is make you unable to see what you’re doing. _

He shook the thoughts from his head as the music started, taking a deep breath before feeling himself relax to the tune. The chaotic music fit his emotions perfectly, and the footwork came easily to him. All too soon, the triple axel approached, and Loki launched himself off, spinning in the air three and a half times before landing. His momentum pushed him forward a little harder than he was expecting, and he reached out his left arm, brushing his fingertips across the ice to steady himself. Not perfect, but it didn’t look too wrong, he thought. He continued his routine, making quick work of the triple toe loop. The sit spin approached, and Loki made a last-minute decision to go for the flying sit spin—he had become pretty good at that lately, so it shouldn’t go too badly. He swung his toepick into the ground, leaping gently before landing in a fierce camel spin, grabbing his leg and easing down into sit spin position, spinning faster and faster as he drew his limbs closer toward him. _This is skating,_ he thought, gasping in the icy air as the world spun too fast around him to really facilitate the breath. He felt himself melt further into the music as he floated back up to a normal position, skating in time with the music again. He felt smooth, relaxed, and he was suddenly filled with confidence. He could do this. Yes.

Skating forward, he pushed off hard with his skate, changing the planned single axel into another triple, the backwards one-foot landing going smoother than the last. He vaguely heard the crowd cheer, but didn’t focus on it, already wrapped up in the next part of the routine. All too soon, it ended, and he stood in the center of the ice, striking a pose. Sound rushed back to his ears, and he heard a wave of applause. Someone yelled out his name, and Loki looked up, smiling, to see Bucky waving from the stands next to Steve. _I wonder who else is here,_ Loki thought as he took a bow before leaving the ice.

Heimdall took his hand in a firm clasp as he left the ice, beaming. “That was excellent, Loki. Small trip-up on the first axel, but I don’t think that warrants a full deduction, and either way the second triple axel should make up for that. I told you you could do it!”

Loki laughed. “Let's wait for the scores before we jump to any conclusions,” he said, but couldn’t help smiling as they sat on the bleachers. Heimdall handed Loki a store-bought bottle of green juice. “You need to refuel,” he explained. Loki nodded, accepting the juice and wiping sweaty hair out of his face. He leaned forward, waiting anxiously for his results.

A huge grin spread over his face as they were announced. “That puts you in first place so far!” Heimdall cried out.

Loki grinned, holding up two thumbs up. “Let’s hope nobody can beat that!”

“I think you’ve got a chance.”

Loki nodded and went to open his juice, pausing for a second to check the seal before taking a sip. Mm, that’s good, he thought, suddenly realizing how hungry he was. Energy slowly began to return to him the more nutrients he drank. He looked up at the next skater, critiquing his work. “He’s not going to get enough points to beat you,” Heimdall assured him.

Loki nodded. “I like his style, though. Very captivating in his sort of dancing moves.”

“I think you underestimate how exciting your own skating looks like,” Heimdall said with a chuckle. “I’m sure one of your family members will have recorded it—you should watch it later.”

Loki wrinkled his nose. “I’d rather not watch myself skate.”

“You should. Critiquing your own performance can be helpful.”

Loki shrugged as the contestant left the ice and his scores were announced, leaving Loki still firmly in first place. The next several contestants’ routines passed by in a blur to Loki, as he somehow still clung to first place. Finally, the last skater took the ice. His routine was going well, and Loki leaned forward in his seat, noticing Heimdall do the same thing out of the corner of his eye. It continued to go smoothly, and Loki ran his hand through his hair nervously as they awaited the results.

The loudspeakers blared, and Heimdall started cheering as he realized that the last skater was just a couple of points behind Loki. “Great job, Loki! You’ve won!”

Loki laughed, almost unable to comprehend the fact. He returned Heimdall’s high five with a massive grin. He had done it. Somehow, he had done it.


	14. Old Friends and New Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki goes out with several people to celebrate his win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for brief conversations about fighting, PTSD, eating disorders, and cutting.  
Other than those brief moments, I think this is a fun chapter. I know I had a blast writing it!  
And guys. We're FINALLY beginning the friendship between Loki and Bucky! It just gets stronger from here. In the sequel I'm writing, they're really close. I just feel like these two would really understand each other, especially in this AU.  
Also--can't forget Sif! I had some fun with her character here. I could see her and Loki playing off of one another and just being a riot together, haha.

Wiggling his way through the crowds, Loki stepped out of the ice arena and into the front lobby of the skating center. He was still dressed in his skating outfit and skates, walking on his skate guards. He looked around quickly, thankful for his height and the added couple inches from his skates as he scanned the throng of people gathering in the lobby.

“There he is!” Loki heard a voice cry out. He turned quickly, to see a dark-haired, heavily-muscled man hurrying up to him, an exasperated blonde man following him. A white pit-bull with a service vest walked on a leash next to the dark-haired man.

“Bucky!” Loki cried out, smiling.

“Congratulations, Loki! I can’t believe you won that!” He gave Loki a firm pat on the back.

Loki chuckled. “I wouldn’t have thought this was a sport you’d be interested in.”

Bucky shrugged. “I wanted to see you skating, though. I’ve never seen that!” He turned around, glancing at Steve. “I sort of dragged him along with me. Hockey’s more his thing.”

“Hey, no, I was glad to come,” Steve said quickly. “Show support for those in our group!” He gave Loki a smile, and reached one arm around him in a hug. “You did great.”

“Loki?” A female voice came from behind him, and Loki turned around quickly.

“Sif?” His eyes widened as he took in the woman’s long, dark brown hair and shining green eyes. “Sif! What are you doing here? It’s been so long!”

She grabbed his arm companionably, and offered him a wide smile. “Hey, I couldn’t miss your competition. I noticed that Thor invited Odin, so I thought I’d better tag along.”

Loki frowned. “Oh stars, don’t remind me.” He glanced over at the crowd again, finally spotting a familiar redhead in it. “Ey, Livvy!” he called, and she looked up, her face brightening as she caught sight of Loki.

When she had reached Loki, she hurried into his arms, giving him a hug. “You did so well! You looked absolutely beautiful out there.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about being called beautiful,” Loki said with a smirk.

“Oh, stop it,” Livvy said, laughing as Loki lifted her off the ground slightly to give her a kiss.

Sif raised an eyebrow. “Clearly, I’m out of the loop with something here.”

Loki blushed. “Sorry, Sif. This is Livvy. Didn’t you meet before the skating? You came with Odin, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I sat with your father, but regrettably I was a little late, so I didn’t get a chance to meet your friends.”

Loki rolled his eyes at her insistence that Odin was his father, but didn’t argue it. This was Sif, after all. One didn’t simply pick arguments with her. “Well, Livvy darling, this is Sif. She’s a close childhood friend. She lives near Odin right now. As a kid, she used to almost always be at our house.” He turned to look at Sif. “Sif, this is Bucky, Steve, and Livvy--she’s my girlfriend.”

She laughed, her green eyes sparkling. “I rather figured that. Nice to meet you all.” She shot Livvy a mischievous look. “Oh, I could make you jealous with stories of us.”

“Sif!” Loki frowned at her. “Don’t go causing trouble.”

“I could say the same to you, little trickster. Remember when you snuck into my room and cut my hair in the middle of the night?”

Loki made a face. “That was a bet! I had no choice.”

“I believe the bet was that you wouldn’t be able to get into her room unnoticed, nothing to do with her hair,” a deep voice chuckled, and Loki looked next to him to see Thor.

“Yes, but no one would believe I’d actually gone there if I didn’t bring some proof, now would they?”

“I had to wear hats for weeks!” Sif said, crossing her arms, although the smile on her face betrayed her.

Livvy shot Loki a suspicious look. “How short exactly did you cut it?”

“Ehehehe. Don’t you worry, love.” Livvy raised her eyebrows, looking amused. He glanced over at Thor, his gaze darkening. “I’ve got a bone to pick with you, brother.”

Thor sighed. “Come on, Loki, you know a part of you wanted him here.”

Loki crossed his arms, scowling. “No, no part of me wanted that. Why do you think you can just--”

“Ah, still the same as you two have always been,” Sif said, shaking her head. “I thought you got on better with each other now, but I guess not.”

“Where is he now?” Loki asked resignedly.

“He went to go say hi to your coach,” Thor explained. “He’ll be here in a minute.”

Loki furrowed his brows. “What in the world would he want with Heimdall?”

“They have met before,” Thor pointed out. “And, for the record, he thinks you did very well.”

“I’ll believe that when I hear it,” Loki said drily.

“Come on, Loki,” Livvy said, sighing. “It’s not so bad. Come on, I want you to meet my family.”

“It is that bad! Haven’t I explained to you enough--”

“Just--leave it,” Livvy said, sounding frustrated. Loki rolled his eyes but said nothing, following her into the crowd as she pulled him toward her family. Loki plastered a smile onto his face as he caught sight of a redhead woman with curly red hair, a man with short black hair and a mustache, and the Linda he had met earlier, standing next to a man who looked a bit like Steve, although with slightly browner hair (and less muscles--Steve’s were a bit over-the-top). Livvy stopped in front of them, smiling.

“You must be Loki,” the mustached man said, smiling amiably. “I’m John, Olivia’s father.”

“Nice to meet you, finally,” Loki said, extending his hand and shaking John’s. He turned to the redhead woman. “You must be Marie, then. Pleasure to meet you.”

“So you’re Loki,” Marie said, looking him over with a smile. “It’s good to finally meet the person my daughter is dating.”

Loki blushed slightly, suddenly feeling rather awkward in his skating outfit and skates. He wondered how much they were judging him, and put an arm around Livvy’s shoulders, being careful not to touch her injured shoulder. Her arm was still in a sling, and he glanced at it nervously. Oh goodness, what must Marie and John think of him? “I’m so sorry,” he found himself saying, completely out of context. _So, what, now I’m apologizing for dating Livvy?_ Loki groaned inwardly as Marie shot him a strange look.

Luckily, Linda and her husband chose that moment to rush up to them. “So you must be Loki!” the husband said enthusiastically. Loki found himself smiling at the man’s Southern American accent. “We’ve heard so much about you.”

“All good things, I hope,” Loki said somewhat more stiffly than intended. _Of course it’s not all good things. Curse this silver tongue. Work for me._ “Sorry--I’ve been meeting a lot of people here. It would appear my eloquence is failing me.” __

Livvy laughed. “Well, this is my brother in law, David.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Loki said, taking David’s hand and shaking it. “Livvy has told me a lot about you two,” he said, gesturing to Linda and David. “All of you, actually. Nice family.”

As if on cue, Loki heard his name being called from behind him. He froze, recognizing the voice. He noticed Livvy’s family’s eyes on him, but found that he still couldn’t bring himself to move. A man with grey hair, a beard, and an eyepatch walked up next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Congratulations on your win, boy.”

“Odin,” Loki acknowledged. “I’m surprised you came.”

“Now now, Loki. Let’s let bygones be bygones, shall we?”

Loki stared at him, pleased to find himself much taller than his father, and not just because of his skates. “Oh, yes, let’s completely ignore everything you’ve done, why don’t we.”

“Don’t be sarcastic with me, Loki. I did everything in my power to help you--”

“Did you? Did you now? Because I seem to recall--” he stopped, noticing Livvy elbow him in the side, and cleared his throat. “I need to get changed,” he said stiffly.

John spoke up, somewhat hesistantly. “We were thinking of going out somewhere to celebrate.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Loki agreed, a smile back in place on his face. _I’m not going to let Odin ruin this moment for me._ “I’m starved.”

Thor, who had apparently been standing behind Loki for who knows how long, gave Loki a thump on the back that send him staggering forward a step. “You should be! You’ve barely eaten anything this entire week.”

“Oh, shut up.” He turned around, gesturing for Bucky, Steve, and Sif to join the group that had formed. He noticed Wanda and Jane chatting together, and waved them over as well. “You came!” He said, smiling at Wanda. “Is Clint here?”

“No,” Wanda said. “Natasha and Bruce brought me here.” She looked behind her, and waved the two over.

“Big group,” Loki said, his eyes widening.

“It’s not every day that you get to see a figure skating competition,” Bruce said, smiling. “You did really well! I can’t imagine doing moves like that.”

Natasha laughed. “You were great, Loki. Congratulations on the win.” Loki looked at the medal around his neck, and touched it with a smile.

“Thank you. I guess I should introduce all of you.” He made short work of the introductions, stiffly referring to Odin as his father. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get changed into something more appropriate. I’m so sorry for all this.” He ran a hand through his sweaty hair. “I’ll be right back. You guys can sort out where we’re going so long.” Turning around, Loki headed to the locker room, where he washed his face and changed into a green sweater and black skinny jeans. He slipped on a pair of suede shoes before packing his skates into the satchel he had brought them in, slamming his locker shut with a shudder. He could no longer trust it. He slung the bag over his shoulder and walked out of the locker room, carding his fingers through his hair to make it look more presentable.

He came up behind Livvy, placing his hands on her shoulders and kissing her head. “Alright, are we ready?”

“Dad’s phoning the restaurant to be sure they have enough space for us all,” Livvy explained quickly.

“How many are there?” Loki looked over the group--Thor, Jane, Sif, Wanda, Natasha, Bruce, Linda, David, Marie, John, Odin, Bucky, Steve, Livvy, and himself. He noticed Heimdall chatting to Bucky, and figured he would be coming along as well. “Sixteen of us?”

“Yep,” Livvy said, laughing. “Big party.” She turned around, wrapping her arms around Loki’s waist. “You deserve it. I’ve never seen you skate so well.” She spoke quietly.

Loki felt himself warm up slightly at her proximity, and moved them back slightly so that they weren’t so in the eyes. He let his hand wander to her neck before pulling him toward him, leaning down slightly to give her a passionate kiss. Finally he broke off, panting. “You look beautiful.” She smiled and gave him a kiss on the neck. “You’ve got to stop doing that, darling,” he groaned. “Now I’m going to have to hide behind Thor in order to get out of here without alerting the world to the effect you have on me.”

“Loki!” Livvy gasped, laughing.

“Not my fault,” he said, chuckling along with her. Sif called them over, and Livvy walked forward. Loki stuck closely behind her. “We’re off,” Sif informed them. “Would you and Livvy like to come in my car?”

“Sure,” Livvy said, and Loki agreed quickly. He had driven with Thor to get there--no doubt Sif knew that, and was trying to avoid confrontation. The three piled into Sif’s car, and Odin went off with Thor.

“So I see your skating has improved,” Sif said as they started driving. “You always said you would keep in touch, but I haven’t heard from you in ages.”

“Sorry about that. Things got a bit crazy. Thor’s been keeping you updated, hasn’t he?”

“That’s not the same,” Sif said sharply. “You were always my best friend, not Thor.”

Loki chuckled. “Must rather disappoint you that Thor’s getting married, doesn’t it?”

Sif made a face. “I only ever wanted his inheritance.”

Livvy raised her eyebrows. “I hope you’re joking.”

“Not really.” Sif laughed. “Honestly, Loki’s a lot more fascinating than Thor.”

Loki furrowed his brows. “Come on now, Sif, I always thought of you as a sister.”

“And I you as a brother,” she said, chuckling. “Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t rather sleep with you than Thor.”

“Probably a wise choice,” Loki said with a wink, and Livvy groaned.

“I see now. You two have the same twisted sense of humor.”

Sif and Loki laughed. “I suppose we do,” Sif admitted. “Hey, I’m the reason he’s a good kisser.”

“Hey, Sif!” Loki cried out.

“What’s the matter, Loki? She must have realized that you’re not bad.”

“Why are you trying to cause trouble?” Loki asked, unable to keep the smile off his face.

“Because that’s what we do, isn’t it, Loki? I think I deserve some revenge after all you’ve pulled on me over the years.”

The man snorted, not denying it. “Fine, that’s fair enough. But let me explain this--we always thought of each other as brother and sister, Livvy. There’s nothing between us in a romantic way, and there never has been.”

“I have seen you naked though,” Sif called out.

“You’re rivalling my own mischief tonight, Sif,” Loki said, raising an eyebrow.

“Alright, what?” Livvy was blushing furiously, but thankfully laughing.

“We always looked forward to getting married to someone one day, as people do,” Sif explained, with a chuckle. “Thought it would be good to practice. So that explains the kissing thing.”

“Just a bit of fun,” Loki added. “The naked thing was accidental. I walked into her room at a… bad time.”

“And then I demanded that if you were to see me naked, you’d better jolly well show me what you’ve got, too.”

“What, so you just casually stripped naked in her room?”

“Who do you take me for?” Loki asked, laughing. “Of course not. We got Thor and Fandral and a few other friends to come and we all went skinny-dipping together.”

“You guys were weird,” Livvy commented.

“All in the name of education,” Loki said with a wink.

“So I’ve officially seen more than you have, haven’t I?” Sif said with a smirk as she pulled into the parking lot of a pub.

“On that note, we’re here,” Loki said, clearing his throat awkwardly. He got out the car quickly, and rounded the car to open the door for Livvy, leaning close to her ear and whispering to her as she got out. “I promise you, darling, we never--”

“I know, it’s okay,” she said, blushing. She leaned in closer, speaking quietly. “You are a good kisser.”

Loki chuckled, claiming her lips in his for a moment before turning to walk into the building. “So what does Sif know about your story?” Livvy asked, her voice still hushed.

“Yes, she knows the basics of what’s gone on with me from Thor. I don’t think she’ll bring it up though. She may be a little crass sometimes,

but she is ultimately a lady.”

Livvy chuckled. “Alright.”  
“I do have one question for you,” Loki said, pausing as they reached the door to the restaurant and glancing backwards at Livvy’s parents, who were just climbing out of their car. “How… how much do your parents know?” He grimaced slightly. “I know they know the shoulder story, and some of what happened Sunday night. But… the bridge? The gang? My…” he paused, swallowing hard. “My torture? The reason for my PTSD? The… lip thing? Odin? I’m worried I made myself look awful there with him.”

Livvy sighed. “I’ve told them an abbreviated account of almost everything. I barely know about the torture part, so by extension, neither do they. We had an… emotional phone call when you first told my everything and we talked it over. They’re fine with most of it, just kind of worried about my ability to deal with it. They don’t know about the lip thing—I just told them I accidentally triggered your PTSD; I figure that’s fairly personal.”

“Thank you,” Loki said quietly. “It is.” He sighed, carding his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry about all this. And Odin?”

“I’ve never discussed him with them.”

“Great, so I do look like a total… clotpole.”

Livvy chuckled. “Where in the word do you get these words from?”

“I’ve got a knack for insults,” he explained drily. “I’m going to try my best to be amiable tonight, okay?”

Livvy’s parents arrived at the door then, and the group entered. Loki fell back a little to talk to John. “I’m not sure what you think of me right now,” he said quietly. “I’m probably not the person you wanted for your daughter.”

“Well, it’s what she’s okay with, ultimately. We’ve had a discussion with her about it.”

Loki nodded. “I’ll have you know that I keep offering her outs. I’d completely understand if she didn’t want to deal with everything.” He sighed. “I’d like to have a conversation about everything sometime.”

“Maybe tomorrow night,” John offered. “You could come to Olivia’s house, and we could discuss it.”

“We could do that,” Loki said, nodding. “After the meeting. Or you could come to my place if you’d like, although of course that would mean Thor would be there… unless I sent him off.”

John chuckled. “I think Olivia’s place would be easier. Marie can cook something.”

“I’m happy with that,” Loki said, cracking a smile.

He took a seat at the long table that had been laid out for the party. Livvy sat next to him, against the wall, and John and Marie sat across the table, David and Linda taking a place next to them. Sif sat next to Loki, followed by Thor, Odin, and Bruce. Natasha sat at the end of the table across from Bruce, with Wanda and Jane next to her, and finally Heimdall between David and Jane.

The waitress came over, taking drink orders. “I’m paying for Loki,” Heimdall said. “He deserves it.”

“Yeah! Great job!” David cried out. “That was awesome to watch!”

“It really was!” Linda said enthusiastically. “It’s so cool how you’re a figure skater.”

Loki chuckled. “Well, thank you. Not everyone agrees with that.”

“I think it was very impressive,” Marie said conversationally. “The girls have always loved ice skating.” She nodded to Livvy and Linda.

“Beers for the table!” Loki suddenly heard Thor cry out. “On me!”

Loki laughed. “Oh yes, we’ve got to keep this tradition.”

“What tradition?” Livvy asked, looking a bit nervous.

“Whenever one of us competes, the other will take their friends out for drinks and we’ll all get completely sozzled.” He chuckled at Livvy’s expression. “Don’t worry, darling, I won’t get too drunk. I’m fairly good at holding my liquor.”

“Except that one time we did that drinking contest,” Thor pointed out.

“That was a bad idea,” Loki said, laughing. “You’re like double my size, and probably ate three times more than I did.”

Sif laughed. “The bad idea was that you were far too determined not to let Thor win, Loki. I was counting the drinks to see who would win. About halfway through, Loki started acting very drunk, while Thor was still somewhat coherent. I had to call Fandral, Hogun, and Volstagg to get you two back to your rooms at the end of the night.”

“I believe you ended up underneath the table, puking while singing country songs,” Thor laughed.

“Hey, well you were on one knee, reciting a love poem to the kitchen maid,” Loki shot back, chuckling. “Before throwing up all over her shoes.”

“Did you two switch personalities?” Livvy asked with a laugh. “I would have thought Loki would be the one reciting poetry.”

“Hehehe. You want poetry?” He cleared his throat.

“‘We rehearse our dreams

before we dream them

and it has the mystifying smell

of strange flowers.

We are the oceans we are the shores

we allow desires, they rise and fall

dreams outlive dreams

as we solicit the solitude of the moon.’

“That’s by Lekshmy Sujathan, written in 2002. I found that one a while ago and I absolutely love it.”

“Exactly what I mean,” Livvy said. “Thor is not the poetry type.”

“That’s true. I have no idea where he got that poem from,” Sif chuckled.

“Probably made it up,” Thor laughed.

“It sounded shakespearean, though.” Sif shrugged. “Whatever. And Loki, that wasn’t really a love poem. Unless you’re in love with the moon.”

Loki frowned. “It’s absolutely a love poem. But fine, you want something more personal?”

Livvy looked up at him and blinked. “Personal? Sounds interesting.”

“Something I found recently. By James Turner, I believe, written in 2000. Title has something to do with a blue blouse.

‘Be in when I call

Be pleased to see me

Welcome me with a hug

Offer me coffee.

As you move to make it

Intercept with your hair

The sun

By chance.

When the phone rings

Tell them you're busy

Tell them you'll ring back

In two hours.

Sit close

Talk to me

Ask me all about me

Listen astonished.

Understand

Say it wasn't my fault

Touch my arm

Look at me that way again.

Go on!

Afterwards

Let me go

If I want to.’”

“Oh,” Livvy said quietly. “Yep, I know what you’re referring to there.”

Loki had a tight smile on his face as he stared into Livvy’s hazel eyes. There was a moment of silence, and luckily the waitress chose that moment to arrive with the beers. She placed a bottle in front of each of the men and Sif, who had wanted some. Natasha and Marie were handed glasses of red wine, while the rest simply got ciders.

“Mm, on that note,” Loki said, chuckling as he opened his beer. Thor laughed, imitating him, and they took a deep swig at the same time. “That’s good,” Loki said, sighing as he set it down on the table.

Heimdall looked up as Loki started looking through the menu. “Order whatever you’d like, Loki. Something high-calorie; you need it.”

“Hey, I’m not that bad,” Loki said, crossing his arms. “It’s only been this week. It’s been stressful.”

“Never did eat normally,” Odin said, shaking his head disapprovingly.

“Just because I don’t eat as much as you—I’ll have you remember I’m a lot smaller than you.” Loki grabbed his beer, his knuckles tightening around it as he drank deeply.

“It’s more than that, really,” Sif pointed out. “You’ve always had a bit of a disordered eating pattern.”

“It’s a stress thing. Not an eating disorder, for goodness sake.”

Heimdall raised his eyebrows. “I think stress-starving is the definition of an eating disorder.”

“Oh, come on, I’m not trying to starve myself. It’s not my fault that my digestive system goes haywire whenever I’m stressed.” He took a deep breath, squeezing the bottle as if he wished to crush it as he tried to stay calm. “Can we not talk about this? ‘Competition’s over. Yayy, let’s all get Loki back to his proper weight,’” he mocked. “I know how to be healthy.”

“This is a celebration,” Heimdall said gently. “I’m just saying, don’t worry about it tonight.”

“Loki’s always been a worrier,” Loki heard Odin saying. “Like his mother.”

For once, Loki couldn’t find any fault with that, and rubbed his face with his hand. “Someone please rescue me,” he murmured.

Livvy quickly spoke up. “So, Sif, Loki once told me he taught you to skate?”

The conversation came more easily after that, much to Loki’s relief. They ordered their food, and chatted amiably with each other over it. Loki had a burger with mushrooms and onion rings on it, which was very good. He polished off the entire thing, the approving looks from the others not escaping him, although he fervently resolved to ignored them.

Loki and Thor continued drinking, bottles piling up in the center of the table as they began to show the first few signs of being a bit tipsy.

“Remember that one time we were drinking and Mother got irritated and asked you to put all your weapons on the table?” Thor asked, laughing.

“I think she was more concerned about the amount of threats I was making to fight everyone at the table,” Loki said, laughing. “She always knew how dangerous I could be when I wanted to, and how no one took me seriously.” He shot a glance at Odin.

“Still, how many did you end up putting on the table?”

“Well, I had my two throwing knives in my jacket, my tactical knife in my pocket, my Swiss Army knife in my underwear—”

“Do you still keep it there?” Sif asked, giggling. She had been almost keeping pace with their drinking.

“Of course,” Loki said, winking, and Livvy choked on her water. “You have to have something hidden away where no one can get hold of it. Anyway, I had those four, and then I started stealing them surreptitiously from all of you and piling them on the table. I think we ended up with about seven knives up there. Nobody caught on that I had stolen their knives to add to the comedic effect until Fandral recognized his pocket knife.”

“And that’s when we all learned to watch out for Loki,” Sif said drily.

Loki laughed. “I’ve cut down on the number I carry, finally.”

Bucky leaned forward from further down the table. “What do you have? I’m a bit of a knife connoisseur.”

Loki chuckled, taking his tactical knife from his pocket. Livvy narrowed her eyes. “I thought you didn’t carry that thing with you anymore.”

“I never said that, darling,” Loki said, laughing. “I’ve always got something. I’m being stalked by a gang; I’m fairly sure it’s good to be armed.” He took the knife out of the leather case and flipped it open, inspecting it before flipping it closed again and sliding it to Bucky.

“That’s a nice knife,” the man said appreciatively, running his fingers along the surface.”

“It is, isn’t it? The only nice thing I’ve gotten from my time in the gang.”

“Can I see it?” David asked from across the table. “I’ve never looked at this sort of thing before.”

Loki nodded, accepting the knife back from Bucky and passing it to David. The man fixed his blue-green eyes on it thoughtfully. “So is this what all you guys used to carry?”

“I’m assuming you’re asking about the gangsters?” Loki chuckled. “Sort of--mostly we just had switchblades. I’ve always loved throwing knives--as I was saying, I even had some before then. This was actually a gift from the head honcho, if you will. Got it when I first joined and, er, proved myself.”

He glanced at Livvy awkwardly, and she laughed, realizing what he was referencing. “Riight.”

Loki laughed. “Anyway, it’s really the only thing I’ve kept. I got rid of my switchblade--those things are technically illegal--and basically worked on ridding myself of whatever I had gathered up during that time. It wasn’t a lot. We didn’t really collect anything besides weapons and money. Our life consisted of moving around a lot, sleeping on blankets on the floor.”

Odin leaned forward to look at Loki. “So why did you do it? We gave you everything you wanted, and you have no respect for that?”

Loki frowned, taking another pull at his beer bottle. “Frigga understood that. You never could.”

Odin rolled his eyes. “Of course I could, if you would have deigned to explain it to me.”

“I never explained it to Mother.” He stared into Odin’s eye challengingly. “I had no choice. I didn’t belong.”

“All you ever wanted was power, wasn’t it?”

Loki sighed. “You seriously want to do this now?”

“I want to know, Loki, and you seem more loose-lipped than usual right now.”

“You never could accept me for who I was,” Loki growled. “How can I live with someone who barely tolerates my presence? I tried to please you. I practiced so hard for my competitions, and all you said was that you wished I could find another sport. Then you tell me that I’m not even part of your family--” He stopped. “I’m not having this conversation right now. Just--I didn’t have a choice, alright?”

“You always have a choice.”

“Not to me. See? You will never try to understand.”

“I got you a therapist, and you refused to speak to her.”

“Maybe none of this would have happened if you had listened to my refusals, hm?” Loki’s eyes were hard, and he blinked and shook his head. “Let’s not do this, Odin.”

“I am your father, and you will address me as such!”

“You’re not my father!” The words came out in a yell, and Loki flopped back in his chair as the restaurant went silent. “I’m sorry. Please. Let’s move on.”

“Jane, I heard that you and Thor are getting married next week?” Linda said enthusiastically.

“We are!” Jane said, smiling. “I’m really looking forward to it. Everything’s getting finished for it.”

“Are you going on honeymoon afterwards?”

Jane nodded, and her and Linda started talking animatedly about her honeymoon and where Linda had gone for hers. Loki absentmindedly opened another beer.

“So, Loki, I wanted to ask you what you’re going to do with that win,” Heimdall said suddenly, breaking into Loki’s thoughts.

“What d’you mean?”

“Don’t decide anything now—but you do officially qualify for Regionals, if you want to try to climb the ladder.”

“I always said I wouldn’t,” Loki said slowly. “But I’ll think about it.” He glanced at Livvy, who was listening with interest. “I’ll have to talk it over with some people first.” He leaned a little closer to Heimdall, lowering his voice. “There’s something I should tell you that happened before I went out.”

“What’s that?” Heimdall’s eyebrows narrowed.

“Remember how I’ve always been paranoid about someone sabotaging me?”

“Yes,” Heimdall said slowly.

“Well, it would appear I was right. Someone destroyed my old skates. Cut them up so that they couldn’t be worn. Thanks to Livvy, I had new skates, but usually, I wouldn’t have.”

“Was it one of the other skaters who did this? It needs to be reported. You know what happened with Tonya Harding--we don’t need you getting injured by a jealous skater.”

Loki shook his head. “No, it’s just my past catching up with me,” he said, pausing to take another sip of beer. “There was… something else in my locker as well, something only they would have.”

Livvy looked up at Loki quickly. “What was that?”

“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” Loki said with a quick shake of his head. “I’ll tell you later.”

He continued drinking, listening to the conversations around him and starting to feel a little tipsy. It pushed away his concerns, as alcohol always did, and he reminded himself not to go too far with it this time. He had Livvy and her parents to think about.

“Hey Loki!” A voice called from across the table. He leaned over to see Bucky, who looked slightly drunk himself. His service dog lay calmly next to his chair. “Natasha and I are arguing over whether you could seriously hurt someone with a pocket knife. I don’t think you really could, short of slitting their throat.”

Loki snorted. “That’s right, come to me for these questions.”

“Well, you do seem to be the expert,” Natasha pointed out.

“You’re absolutely right.” Loki laughed, reaching his hand down and fiddling with his pants under the table. He came up with a red swiss army knife in his hand, and tossed it casually into the air before unfolding the largest blade on it. “It’s only about two inches, but that’s not to say it’s not still dangerous.”

“So what’s the best way to use it, then?” Natasha asked, with some interest.

“Well, you’ve got to know anatomy somewhat for that,” Loki pointed out. “I bet Bucky knows that, though. There’s the obvious eye option--get someone’s eye, and you could even end up killing them. There’s the throat, obviously, and then there’s how I like using it. Small knives are always something I’ve got a couple of, and I use them for distraction.”

“Distraction?” Bucky asked, looking a little confused.

“You know… stab someone randomly on the torso when they’re getting a little too close for comfort. Completely throws them off, even though it’s non-lethal. I’ve used that one on Thor several times.”

Livvy started laughing. “Hang on, why are you stabbing Thor?”

“We used to fight a lot. It happened.”

Thor looked up from across the table. “You’re talking about how you used to stab me?”

“Yep.”

“It was actually rather ridiculous. I’d have something he wants, and he would casually stab me so that I’d drop it.”

“I hardly aimed to go deep,” Loki said, chuckling. “It was a playful thing.”

“Then you’d go running off to Frigga,” Sif recalled, jumping in on the conversation. “Like, ‘Mummy, Loki stabbed me again!!’ And she’d just keep reading her book.”

“Sometimes I think she approved of it,” Thor said with a sigh. “How in the world did I get you as a brother?”

Loki was laughing a tad bit harder than he figured was normal, but really, it was pretty amusing. “You sounded like a terror,” Livvy said, raising her eyebrows.

“I definitely was,” Loki said, gasping between laughs. “Anyway--about the knives. Swiss army knives are useful, and I think they’re good to carry, if only for self-defense.” He twirled the knife in his hands. “Which I still need to teach you, Olivia.” His eyes fixed on the dartboard on the wall across from him, just next to Thor’s head, and he glanced quickly sideways to make sure that the manager wasn’t watching before he lifted the knife in his grasp, twirling it lightly before tossing it with deadly precision at the bulls-eye. It went whizzing just past Thor’s head, to land on the center of the board and stick there, shaking. “Got it!” Loki cried out, lifting his arms in victory.

“You could have taken my eye!” Thor cried out. “I’ve forgotten what you’re like when you’re drunk. Ugh.”

“I’m not drunk yet,” Loki said, laughing.

“You’re over-enunciating your words,” Thor said, chuckling. “At least somewhat drunk.”

“Hey, at least I’m not a lovey-dovey drunk like you,” Loki said, laughing. “You always end up confessing your undying love for someone.” He glanced at Jane, smirking. “You might want to watch out when he gets there. He might jump you or something.”

“Hey!” Thor threw a beer bottle at Loki, who caught it easily, despite the growing fuzziness in his head.

“M’reflexes don’t ever fail me,” Loki chuckled, putting the bottle onto the table at a bit of an angle so that it fell over when he withdrew his hand.

Livvy raised her eyebrows. “Aaaand now you’re slurring your words.”

“Sorry. Not s’good at staying half-drunk. M’feet hurt.” He casually threw in the non-sequitur as if it continued his thought naturally.

“Your feet always hurt,” Thor pointed out, his own words starting to come a little slower.

“Doesn’t mean they don’t now,” Loki pointed out. “I just skated a competition, and won!” The idea seemed somewhat new to him. “It’s a cel’bration! I had to get drunk!” He wrinkled his nose. “Wait. Where’s the cake?”

“The cake is a lie,” a tall blonde man who was walking past casually said.

“It is! We forgot the cake!” Loki seemed oddly agitated by this fact.

Livvy tossed the man walking past an odd look, and he turned around briefly. “There’s a bakery around the corner with actual good cakes if you want one.”

“Let’s get a cake and go back to m’place!” Loki said, jumping up and instantly falling back into his chair. “Oof. Did not go as planned.”

“Our graceful skater is no longer so graceful,” Livvy said, laughing.

The laughter was infectious, and the entire table seemed quite taken by Loki’s good mood. Heimdall chuckled. “And what kind of cake would our champion like?”

“Um…” Loki paused, scrunching up His nose adorably as he thought about it.

“He’ll want an ice cream cake,” Sif said from across the table. “It’s his favorite.”

“Yes, yes, yes, please!” Loki said a little too enthusiastically. Livvy raised her eyebrows and put an arm around Loki’s shoulders. He reciprocated the gesture, putting his arm around her waist and leaning slightly toward her. “You know what’s weird?” He said suddenly.

“What?”

“Both cake and beer are made of wheat. Who decided to make a drink out of wheat?”

Livvy found herself laughing, and Loki cast her a confused look. “What? Issa good question. Hey, you should get another cider. Or two. Join me.”

“I’ve already had two,” Livvy said. “You should probably stop drinking.”

“I don’t wanna,” Loki whined. “‘S good beer.”

“It is!” cried Thor from across the table, and Livvy realized with a sigh that he was as drunk as Loki now.

The evening continued in its very interesting way. Eventually everyone wound up heading to Steve’s house, since it was large and within walking distance, so that no one would have to drive anywhere—they had all had at least one drink over the course of the night, with the exception of Wanda. It was a difficult walk, as Loki, Thor, Sif, Natasha, and Bucky had to be helped along slightly. Loki leaned heavily on Livvy, and she quipped that he had lost his grace.

At the house, Steve, rather surprisingly, offered them more alcohol. He seemed surprisingly relaxed about the fact that everyone was getting drunk, and Loki began to see the usually uptight man in a slightly new light. So, he thought, he pretends to be strict, but isn’t really when it comes down to it.

Loki and Bucky somehow wound up challenging each other to a wrestling match at some point during the night, and the two paired off, prowling around each other which surprising steadiness considering the wobbliness of their walk. Loki was the first to make a move, diving in and delivering a quick blow to the side at close range. Bucky was quick to retaliate, using his thick muscles to throw Loki back, attempting to get him to land on the ground. Loki gave him a karate-style kick in the stomach, twisting his body quickly out of the way of another blow from Bucky. “Da—darn, you’re quick,” Bucky muttered, remembering not to swear at the last minute.

Everyone was laughing good-naturedly as they watched. Even Livvy’s parents seemed to be having a good time, sitting on one of the couches and sipping wine and beer respectively. Bucky threw a punch at Loki, and Loki saw his opportunity, quickly grabbing Bucky’s arm and using the man’s own momentum to throw him to the ground. He laughed, straightening and wiping sweat from his brow as he offered a hand to Bucky. “I can’t believe I just bested a veteran. You alright?”

“Got a bad case of wounded pride,” Bucky replied, laughing good-naturedly. “T’was a good fight. You’re a very close-range fighter.” The adrenaline seemed to have sobered them slightly.

“Mm, ‘tis my secret weapon. I’m fast and close-range. Felt odd not using my daggers, though. That last move scares me now after what it did to Livvy, of course. Shouldn’t have used it.”

“Um, wait, I thought that was a skating injury,” Bucky said, nodding at Livvy.

“T’was a lie. I’ve got a healthy respect of ice. Just need to get used to the fact that I’m not so predictable.” He sat down on the floor, and Bucky sat next to him, watching him curiously.

“What do you mean, you’re not predictable?”

Loki found that talking wasn’t at all hard when he was drunk. “I—well, I’ve got a lot of traumas in my life. Back when I was with the gang, they… took pleasure in torturing me.”

“Do you know anything about my past?” Bucky asked tentatively. Loki squinted at him and shook his head.

“After I was in the army for a little while, I was taken as a prisoner of war. They tortured me for information, whipping me, withholding food, the whole nine yards. Then they decided to try experimenting with drugs on me, which basically wiped my memory for a while. They groomed me into an assassin.” He shivered. “I don’t know how many people I killed before I was rescued.”

Loki stared at him in disbelief. “I had no idea. You’re so… normal.”

Bucky chuckled. “So are you. Yet I think we both know what it’s like to wake up screaming, to be haunted by memories of a time we had no control over.”

Loki shifted somewhat uncomfortably. “So how do you deal with that? You don’t have anyone living with you to help, do you?”

“I’ve learned to deal with it. No one wants to take my life right now. I’m safe. The government pardoned all that I’d done on the basis of me being drugged throughout it all. I’ve also got my service dog.” He patted the white pitbull who had settled next to him.

“I wondered what he was for,” Loki admitted.

“Yep. When I go places where I think my PTSD might be triggered—or, anywhere, actually—I’ll take him with me. His name’s Winter.”

“I’ve got a husky named Fenrir. Not trained, but I’ve worked on him myself.” He trailed off, not wanting to fully admit that he had nightmares too, even though it appeared that Bucky somehow already knew.

Loki sighed, laying down on the carpet. Bucky followed his example, and they chatted companionably about their shared experiences. _He’s a good friend,_ Loki thought. _Didn’t expect any of this. I guess being drunk and having loose lips can be a good thing sometimes._

***

Livvy looked over as Heimdall walked up and sat down next to her. She smiled and greeted him, taking a sip of her brandy and coke. He said hello, and they sat together in silence for a moment. Livvy watched as Loki lay on the floor next to Bucky, the two seemingly having a rather deep conversation. She shook her head as Loki propped himself up on an elbow to take another sip of his drink, and waved her hand toward them, directing Heimdall’s attention to Loki. “How much is that guy going to drink? I keep waiting for him to make himself sick.”

To Livvy's surprise, Heimdall heaved a deep sigh. “He won’t.”

She furrowed her brows. “What? He’s got a bit of a weak stomach, you know.”

“He’s firmly in control of that.” The man glanced at Livvy, noting her confused expression. “He’ll tell you his throwing up is an involuntary reaction to stress, but I’m afraid I don’t believe that.”

“Why not? He does get really pale, so it makes sense.”

“When people self-harm, they generally do it because afterwards, they feel like they’ve reached a release of thoughts, gotten rid of some of that pent-up tension. Has Loki ever mentioned in passing how fine he feels after he gets sick?”

Livvy hesitated before recalling the first time he had thrown up at the rink. “He did once say that he feels a lot better afterwards.” Her eyes widened slightly. “You really think..?”

Heimdall shook his head slowly. “I’m not positive, but it’s possible. Have you ever told him strictly not to throw up?”

“Yes,” Livvy said slowly.

“So have I. And he’s always fine. It’s a bit of an inner battle, but he can stop it. I think he likes the feeling though. Sure, talking about his past stresses him, puts a knot in his stomach, like any of us when we’re nervous. But I think he builds on that. He likes to feel like he’s doing something—that’s just Loki. It’s almost a form of anorexia in my eyes.”

“But it’s not about his weight, is it? And he doesn’t binge-eat or anything.”

“No, definitely not. But it’s an unhealthy habit, for sure, and I think it’s become so ingrained in him that it’s rather automatic. He could probably quite easily throw up on command.”

Livvy shifted uncomfortably. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I’m worried about him,” Heimdall said simply. “He’s letting you in, more than I’ve seen him do so with anyone ever before.”

“So what do you want me to do? Is it really a problem if he gets sick when he’s stressed? Should I tell him not to, or something?”

“No, probably not.” The coach’s voice was quiet and slow. “I’m not sure he would change that behavior if he could. It gives him an outlet.”

“Who likes throwing up, though?”

“The same sort of person who enjoys the pain and bloodiness that comes with self-harm, I suppose. It hurts, it’s awful, it’s disgusting—and he think it’s what he deserves. He believes he deserves to feel the pain; the awfulness of the experience makes up somewhat for what he’s done. And it’s not just being sick; I think the fact that he stops or limits his eating is a part of that too.”

“Has… has he ever… cut himself?”

“I don’t know,” Heimdall said honestly. “He wouldn’t tell me if he had. But if he did, I think that’s in the past. This is what he does now, you see?”

“Yeah. Um, thanks for telling me that.”

“I just want you to make sure he doesn’t get too unhealthy with this. Right now, he’s looking a little too thin due to barely eating all week, and throwing up what he did eat.” He nodded at his student, who was still laying on the floor, chatting to Bucky. “When Loki loses weight, it’s almost all muscle. That man’s got barely any fat on him. So it’s bad when he gets thinner than he is now.”

Livvy nodded. “Okay. Thank you. I’ll do that.”


	15. Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another heavy chapter.. Loki has dinner with Livvy's parents and some stuff gets explained. The gaps you're seeing get filled in, at least somewhat. They look through a photo album and Livvy discovers a few interesting new things about Loki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for discussion of past suicide attempts/reasoning on suicide attempts, past self-harm, self-hatred and self-deprecation, vomiting, etc.

Loki took a deep breath, standing on the porch of Livvy’s house and feeling more nervous than he really had the right to. He had already met Livvy’s parents the night before, but the circumstances had been so different, and now he couldn’t help but worry that they might have disapproved of all the drinking that had gone on. Loki was thankful that he hadn’t been more hungover that morning—which was probably due to the fact that Steve had cut them off on alcohol an hour before they had left, and had forced them to drink copious amounts of water. He grinned sheepishly as he remembered how Bucky and himself had fruitlessly argued the point, and how Livvy had become quite frustrated with the two of them, telling Loki that he was going to make himself sick with alcohol. He hadn’t, of course. Alcohol hardly ever made him sick.

Lifting a hand to the door, Loki took a deep breath and gave the glass a firm knock. In his hand, he held his satchel—he had just come from skating, and in it, he was carrying his skates, a Ziplock baggie of white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies he had baked earlier that day, and a photo album that he had thought to bring to ease some tension after the conversation he was sure would ensue.

The conversation was a terrifying thought to Loki, and had he not been drunk, he was sure that he would have been kept up the night before, thinking about what he was going to say. As it was, he had had to head over to the rink after the morning meeting in order to calm his nerves. He had showered there, and dressed in a pair of skinny black jeans and a button-down short-sleeved green shirt. He ran his hand through his still damp black curls as he heard a shout from inside the house.

Livvy opened the door, and instantly, some of Loki’s anxiety dissolved. He leaned in to present her with a quick kiss, before she turned to the side and motioned for him to enter. Salt wandered up to him, and he bent down to stroke the cat as he weaved between Loki’s legs, leaving grey and white fur on the black denim. He chuckled. “Hey, Salt, I just cleaned all of Fenrir’s fur off of these!”

“Sorry about that,” Livvy said, laughing.

Loki grinned and set his satchel next to the couch, pulling out the bag of cookies. “I made some cookies and thought I’d give some to you.”

“Thank you! They look amazing,” Livvy said, giving him a kiss.

“Sorry, I probably should have brought flowers or something,” Loki realized. “Some boyfriend I am.”

Livvy opened her mouth to respond, but didn’t get a chance to, as Marie looked up from the kitchen, where she was taking something from the oven, and waved Loki over. “Hello,” she said cheerfully. “The lasagna is almost finished. Good timing!”

Loki smiled, walking over and shaking Livvy’s parents’ hands. “Pleasure to see you two again. The food smells delicious.”

John offered Loki a glass of wine, which he accepted as Linda and David came down the steps. Dinner was soon served, and the six chatted easily amongst themselves. David told Loki all about his job working with the traffic department in the city, and Loki shared how he worked at the library when he wasn’t at the ice rink. The food was delicious, and Loki made sure to comment on it as he ate, firmly not allowing his nervousness to prevent him from enjoying the meal. When they had finished eating, Livvy cleared the table. They continued to sit at the dining room table, and as a moment of silence fell, Loki sat back with a deep sigh.

“So, I think we all know that I’m not just here for a social visit. I know you’ve got questions, and I’m willing to answer them, but first, I want to give you all a basic outline of my life.” He held up a hand when John opened his mouth to speak. “I don’t know how much Livvy has told you, but I want you to hear it again from me. It’s… not natural for me to share my life with people, so I brought along a photo album to illustrate it better.” He got up and grabbed the album before sitting back down at the table and opening it.

The album began with a number of photos of Loki as a child, several of them featuring a young Thor. “I was adopted as an infant,” Loki began. “I thought I was their natural son; did so until far too recently, in fact.” He turned the page, pausing on a photo of himself and Thor wrestling. “We were always competitive with each other. Oh, and here’s a photo of us playing ice hockey—that’s how I first got into figure skating, actually.” The next page featured several photos of him figure skating. “These photos were probably from when I was about ten. My first competition. I got third place.” He smiled as he pointed to a photo of himself with a medal around his neck, his family around him. “That’s my mother,” he said, pointing to a woman with long blonde hair tied in a neat bun. The others around the table murmured about how cute the photo was.

“Anyway, now we move on a few years. Here I am as a teenager.” He turned the page, pointing at a photo of him with slightly longer hair that was slicked back.

“Woah,” Livvy murmured. “You look… different.”

Loki snorted. “Wait for it. You’ll be surprised.” He pointed out a photo of Thor, who was also sporting shoulder-length hair. “For some reason, the two of us decided that long hair was cool. We kept it that way for a long time. Longer than this, of course.”

“Really? How long was your hair?”

“Ah-ah. Patience, darling.” He smiled for a minute before his face became serious again. He pointed to a photo in which he still had the slicked back hairstyle, which reached just above his shoulders. He was sitting at a table in the photo, with Sif and some other friends sitting around him, Thor, and their parents. “You’ll notice I don’t look very happy in this photo.” He looked at his expression—his eyes were downcast and red-rimmed, and his mouth looked sullen and unhappy. “Sif was asking me what was wrong, but I wouldn’t tell her. She said I was being a total arse, if you’ll excuse the language, which of course didn’t really help the situation. You see, at this point, I had just been told by Odin that I was adopted, and Thor was just having fun with his friends, who seemed to have largely lost interest in me. I think…” he paused. “I think this is the last photo of me before, erm, the…” He paused, looking at the table and assessing their reactions. “My little suicide attempt.”

David gasped audibly. “Hold on, you..?”

Loki chuckled humorlessly. “So, you weren’t told about that. Yeah, that happened.” He ran his fingers through his hair, taking another deep breath in and out. “Um, yeah, so that’s what Odin and my little standoff was about last night. He’s always wanted to know why I did it—it’s not that simple. I did it because I felt that he would never approve of me; Thor was always going to be better and I’d never live up to that. I didn’t belong, I felt hopeless…” a lump formed in his throat, and he stopped, swallowing hard. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter now.”

Feeling Livvy’s hand grab his underneath the table, Loki smiled gently at her. He took a peek at the next page before fully turning it. “I’m not sure if you want to see these next photos,” he said slowly, still not turning the page. “I don’t know who took it, but it’s a photo of me at the hospital after… the jump. Just warning you, I look awful. It’s not a fun photo. I broke both my legs, a few ribs, and I had to wear a neck brace for a while. I had a few surgeries to get to where I am now.” He finally turned the page, pointing to a photo of himself in a hospital bed. His eyes were closed and he appeared to be either asleep or unconscious. His face was almost as white as the thigh-high bandages on his legs, which were held up in a sling at a slight angle. He had a white neck brace on, a couple IVs on his arm, and a heart monitor attached to his finger. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was greasy and a little longer than it had been before.

“Oh my goodness,” Livvy murmured. “Are you unconscious here?”  
“I honestly have no clue,” Loki admitted. “They had me on some really powerful drugs, so I was in and out of consciousness for several days. The hardest was getting off the painkillers—man, that hurt. A lot. I think I became a little too dependent on them, so they had to wean me off carefully, but even then, it wasn’t easy.” He pointed out another photo, where he was in a wheelchair at what looked to be his house, a book placed on his lap. He still had long casts on his legs, was wearing the neck brace, and looked exhausted. His hair was definitely longer here, reaching his shoulder in a greasy slicked-back look, flipping outwards at the end. “Yes, I know the hairstyle is the worst,” he said, mustering a small smile. “It gets interesting from here.”

There were a few more photos of his recovery, and his hair got progressively longer until it finally hung in loose waves down to just below his shoulders, ending in fluid curls. “Here I am during counseling and physical therapy. There’s a bit of a time skip from here, as I left home shortly after this and met up with Rico.”

Turning the page again, he pointed to a photo of himself and another burly man, standing with smiles on their faces and their arms around each other. “I’m a firm part of the gang in this photo. This was a friend of mine in the gang.” He chuckled as he glanced up at the reactions of the table. “Yes, I know, I looked different.”

Different was probably a bit of an understatement, Loki mused as he took in the photo. His long, wavy hair was the same as in the previous photo, except that it had been dyed red at the ends. He had his right eyebrow pierced, two metal posts sticking through it. He was wearing a bulky leather jacket with green lining, and held a dagger out quite proudly in his left hand, his other arm around the other man. His jeans were ripped, and he wore Dr. Marten combat boots. His ears were pierced at the top, and several rings were placed in it. “Woah,” Livvy finally said. She leaned closer to him and whispered, “I’d never tell this to my parents, but wow. You looked hot.”

Loki burst into laughter, thankful for Livvy providing a slight reprieve from his anxiety. “Well, yeah, what can I say. I was part of a gang, and I was only 20—I decided to just go crazy with it.”

Livvy squinted at his eyebrows, looking for the piercings. “With all that, I’m surprised you haven’t got any tattoos.”

Loki raised his eyebrows. “Don’t I?”

“..no?”

“You mean you haven’t noticed?” Loki squinted at Livvy, a small smile playing on his face. “I’ve actually got three, one of which I really thought you would have seen.”

“Wait, really?” Livvy’s eyes widened. “Um, where?”

“Well, the one I thought you would’ve noticed is behind my right ear.” He folded his right ear forward with his finger, revealing dark tattooed writing behind it.

“What does it say?” John asked, leaning in as he looked at it.

“Nothing exciting. TLF, Silvertongue, 8/03/2016.”

“What in the world does that mean?”

Loki shrugged. “The Liberation Front—the name of the gang—Silvertongue, which was my gang nickname, and the date that I joined them and got this tattoo. It’s not a fun one. Not really by choice, either, just… a sort of branding, I suppose. Who I belong to.” He made a face. “Back then, I didn’t see it that way, but now I see it so clearly. Just sticks up there as a reminder.” His sober face suddenly brightened into an impish grin. “Seriously, how in the world have you not seen this?”

“I mean, it is dark like your hair,” Livvy pointed out, “And I haven’t exactly walked up behind you many times. It’s somewhat hidden.”

Loki smiled. “Well, good.”

“You said you had two more?”

“Mmhmm. I’ve got a sea serpent wrapping around my ankle, and a sprig of Mistletoe held by a flying raven on my lower back. That one symbolizes Mother—she always thought mistletoe was beautiful, and she loved birdwatching. She always fed the ravens out back in our yard.” He grinned sheepishly. “I actually still like them, which probably isn’t a great thing. But yeah, if you’d come up behind me when I’m shirtless, you’d see the top half of it.” He chuckled. “I mean, I could show you it while still being pretty decent, don’t worry about that.”

“I’m surprised you went for a snake on your ankle,” Livvy said hesitantly.

Loki shrugged. “You have to remember, darling, there was a time that I liked Rico. Besides, I’ve always liked snakes; I’m not letting him take that away from me. And the tattoo is very stylized—it’s got a dragon head on a long snake-like body. Here, I’ll show you.” He stood up and placed his leg on the chair, pulling up his jeans and pushing down his sock to reveal a vibrant green and blue tattoo. The snake’s body curled around his ankle, the dragon-like head of the snake appearing on the front of his ankle, it’s mouth open. A thin forked tongue emerged from the mouth, inked in a vibrant red. It was a simple tattoo, yet a rather nice artwork.

“Do you want to see the other one? It’s somewhat awkward, but I don’t mind.”

“That’s alright,” Marie said, laughing. “I think we’ve got the idea.”

Loki chuckled, sitting back down and looking at the photo of him again. “That red in my hair eventually faded to a bright pink, which everyone found quite amusing and I actually rather liked.”

Marie leaned forward. “You said you liked Rico. He was the gang leader, right?”

Loki cleared his throat, leaning back in his chair. “Right. I should explain this. So, I first met Rico when he dragged me from the river after my… fall? Jump? Anyway, I obviously blacked out after hitting the water. When Rico dragged me out, I hazily saw him before passing out again. Next thing, I woke up in the hospital. I think I spent two days saying nothing but lamenting over the fact that I was still alive.” He closed his eyes briefly. “I had absolutely no remorse for trying to kill myself, so if that’s what you wanted, I apologize. I don’t think I’d regret it if I did it again. It’s just not—”

“Wait, what? No, hang on, you can’t just casually say stuff like that.” Livvy stared at Loki, a look of horror on her face.

Loki blinked. “Why not? I’ve told you before, I could easily fall into the depression again—”

“No!” Livvy looked irritated now. “You wouldn’t do that again.”

“I never said I would, love.” Loki squinted at her. “I’m not depressed. I’m rather happy now that you’re here.”

“How do you not see anything wrong with what you just said?”

Loki heaved a heavy sigh, running his hand through his hair again. “Darling, I’m not saying I’m going to commit suicide, or attempt it again. I’m saying that if one gets to that point, one has thought it over a lot. There’s no other option at that point. You want it to end, and you want it to end right then. It’s not a spur-of-the-moment thing at all. I didn’t go for a jog that morning and get up on that bridge and think, ‘oh, I wonder if it might be a good idea to jump off, yeah, okay, let’s try it.’ I thought about it. My breaking point happened only about a week before, sure. But that gave me plenty of time to lay in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking up what I could do with my life, where I could go from there in order to be happy. And I was drawing up blanks. Before the whole thing about me being adopted came out, I clung to a couple ideas about how I could make my father proud, and be who I wanted to be. I wasn’t happy, but I could see a way out. Then the adoption thing came out, and that narrow path grew even narrower. If only I could make him proud in my next competition”—his voice broke, and he pressed a fist to his mouth, taking steadying breaths before continuing in a slightly firmer voice. “So I went out there, I practiced so hard and I won that competition, and he didn’t seem to care. At all. And that’s what broke me. But even then, I didn’t just run up a bridge and jump off. I lay in bed that night, once again evaluating my pathways, and for the first time—they all seemed to be dark. There was no light there. So, I started thinking of a plan. So many options, which one to choose? Someone might find me if I slit my wrists, hanging myself wasn’t foolproof—”

“Stop,” Livvy said quickly. “I don’t need to hear your thought process.”

“Sorry, love.” Loki sat in silence for a minute, his eyes shining with tears which he desperately tried to hold back. “The point is, I thought about it for a while. I had been thinking about it, even before those hopeful pathways completely vanished. I wanted to die. I didn’t jump with some secret hope that someone would find me, you understand? I know it’s hard to. It’s not easy to put yourself inside what my head was doing back then.” There was more silence, and he took a deep breath and quietly murmured, “I planned to dive in headfirst, you know. I tripped on the guardrail. I always wonder if that saved my life.”

“Are you at least glad you’re alive now?” Livvy asked, her voice shaking slightly.

Loki’s head snapped around to stare at her, and he quickly pulled her into a hug. “Darling, darling, of course I am. I’m just saying how I felt back then.” He felt Livvy calm down a little, and held her close until both their pulses settled.

“I met Rico again when I skipped going to see my therapist. I’m sure Livvy’s told you that story.”

“Yes, she did,” Marie said. “What exactly drew you to the gang?”

“I liked their ideology, for one thing. I had some strange religious and governmental ideas and ideals. Also… I guess it just looked like an escape. Somewhat fun, somewhere to get rid of the pent-up pain and frustration inside of me.”

“But when they hurt you? Didn’t you have time to leave once you realized they would do that?”

Loki tilted his head. “Mm, no. It was fine by me. I wanted to hurt, I wanted to be punished for who I was. I was useless, I was awful—I wanted to hurt myself.”

“Why would being upset at your father for not loving you make you want to give yourself pain?” Linda asked, looking confused.

Glancing at Livvy’s sister, Loki shook his head. “No, darling, you’ve got it backwards. I wasn’t angry at my father for not loving me. I was angry at myself for being unlovable. I hated myself, and blamed it on Odin. This whole thing has always been about self-loathing. To be honest, it still is. I said I liked Rico. That’s because I felt like he was giving me the punishment I deserved for being who I was.”

“You enjoyed the pain?” John asked, looking a bit lost. _They don’t get it,_ Loki realized. _They probably never will. And it’s for the best._

“No, of course not. I’m not a sadist, for goodness sake. I just felt like whatever I got was probably deserved, so I accepted it without question. No, I went through absolute torture. If I did anything wrong, they would hurt me until I begged them to stop. Then they would decide whether or not to continue anyway, or not. We became quite afraid of Rico and his punishments, but that didn’t mean we left him. He would talk to us afterward, explain why we had to go through that, tell us that the pain has made us stronger. Get inside your head and let you know that you can’t simply leave. Instill the idea deeper in you that this was all for a purpose, is still for a greater good. Utter hogwash, but he was very persuasive. Very manipulative.”

“When did you finally decide you wanted to leave?” Marie asked.

Loki cocked his head. “I didn’t. The police caught me spray-painting a building, and recognized me as Rico’s right-hand man. They brought me in for questioning, and of course I didn’t tell them anything, partially because I still felt loyal to TLF, and partially because Rico had promised to make my life a living hell if I ever did. So I spent a night in the police cells, and then Frigga came to fetch me, paying bail and basically bribing the policemen to let me off lightly. I got one of those ankle bracelet things and was kept under basically house-arrest, and that was it. It was over. Once I was back with my family, I started to realize to the full extent what had happened, how much Rico had a hold on me. It was hardly even me doing those things I did. It was an angry mind, twisted by Rico, that was doing that. It’s a really scary realization. And that’s when all the flashbacks started, which is probably what you’re most interested in. They still happen more regularly than I would like or tend to let on.”

“What triggers them?” John asked.

“It depends. They’re all different. I’d like to explain what happened with Livvy here, but I’ll answer this first. It’s mostly something totally mundane--a comment someone makes that reminds me of something that was said back then, or even the sound of something happening behind me that totally freaks me out. I’ve got the typical PTSD hypervigilance, so I’m always sort of on high alert. The best way I can describe that is when you’re a little afraid of something, and you’re looking around, as if waiting for something to happen. I’m almost constantly in that mode, waiting for someone to come out and hurt me, because that’s what used to happen in the gang. Rico would orchestrate random, sudden attacks on a couple gangsters, because it taught us to stay on our toes. He was basically teaching us PTSD, which completely disgusts me. Not that it’s something that can really be taught, I suppose.” He paused, and ran a hand over his face. “I’m not making any sense, am I? Either way, it can be anything. The other day, my coach made a comment about me being ‘his greatest student’, which reminded me of something Rico always used to say, and next thing I knew, I was sitting on the ice, shaking. I think I scared him a little there. Sometimes, I feel that I’m on edge all day, or longer, and I’ll tell Thor or someone to watch out for it. That happened the night that Livvy, Jane, and Wanda had to stay over, which was why I was so nervous about it. Now that’s a nightmare, so it’s slightly different. It’s much like a flashback, and what’s important then is to wake up, in which case I can often throw it off. I don’t know if you know what happened last week with that… I’m going to start in chronological order and explain what’s been happening, if you don’t mind.”

“Please,” John urged Loki on, and he closed his eyes briefly as he tried to ward off any potential flashbacks.

“I’m playing with fire here,” he warned briefly. “But I think it’s necessary. Just—stop me if you notice… you’ll know. Okay. Here goes.

“So as you know, Livvy and I met on a hike, wherein some stuff about my past came out—I was in a gang since shortly before I joined the group, I didn’t get along with my family, and I was a figure skater. We hung out a little more after that, and we clearly had something, so I decided, with Steve’s urging, to go ahead and tell Livvy about the suicide attempt, and how that was the first time I met Rico.” He let out a small, shuddering breath before continuing. Telling them what happened felt almost physically painful, and he tried to keep as emotionally distant as he could. His voice sounded flat and unemotional to his own ears. “It was only a week later that I was going for a jog, and Rico popped up out of nowhere, threatening me, asking me to join the gang again, and cutting my arm as a sort of warning.” Loki rolled up his sleeve, revealing a fresh pink scar on his arm. “I have no clue what he was trying to get at, even now. Personal, petty revenge, I suppose? Maybe they need me back—I was quite an asset, I suppose. Anyway, that sent me into a sort of… breakdown, I suppose, that I wasn’t expecting. I reacted as if I’d just had a flashback—that exhausted feeling, where I can’t stand and am physically shaking, and feel nauseous—so I basically collapsed onto the concrete. I have no clue what would have happened, except that Bruce happened to be walking past, and found me there almost immediately afterwards. He’s a doctor at urgent care, luckily, so he calmed me down, called Thor, all that.” He shuddered involuntarily, which surprised himself. What the heck was that for? Livvy placed a hand on Loki’s thigh.

“Thor called me and I went to the police station, where Loki was sitting wrapped up in a shock blanket after giving a statement,” Livvy continued.

“First time you saw me shirtless, I believe,” Loki said, trying to let ease the tension. He offered a half-smile, before his face quickly shadowed again. “It was awful, because that threw me right back to square one, just as I was recovering a little, and my brain was giving me a break. That weekend, Livvy and I were eating at Bread Co when Rico called for us—I’ve blocked his number since, and am still unsure how he got it in the first place—and asked us to come outside.”

“You didn’t, right?” Marie asked.

“Let me rephrase that. He threatened that we would be hurt if we didn’t come outside. Yes, we went out, because I’m quite aware of how many eyes he has, and sneaky ways he has of hurting someone without getting blamed. We shared some words, and I more or less told him to leave us alone. I was pretty bloody angry that he knew about Livvy, but there’s nothing for that.” Loki sat quietly for a minute, twirling his finger through his hair as the family made a few murmured remarks. “He said he was like a father to me,” he spat. “I don’t know what a father should be like, but I’m fairly sure he doesn’t take pride in beating you until you pass out.” Livvy squeezed his leg under the table.

“How often did he treat you that way?” John asked.

“At least three times a week, I’d say. Unless it was bad enough that he had to wait for fear of me dying on him.”

“What was the worst he did to you?” Marie asked gently.

“I—” Loki paled slightly, and shook his head quickly. “I’m sorry, I can’t answer that.” His voice broke halfway through the sentence, and he set his head in his hands, looking down at the table and breathing heavily. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, just give me a minute.”

“It’s okay, we understand,” Marie said gently.

“You don’t,” he said miserably. “I can’t even think about the answer to that question. There was when he lit half a building on fire—” Images flashed through Loki’s brain, and he tugged on his curls as he tried to pull himself from his mind, feeling himself slipping slightly. “Livvy, Livvy darling, help me,” he murmured quietly, and she quickly wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer to her.  
“Shh. Focus on me, Loki. I love you. You can do this.” She spoke quietly, and Loki wanted to thank her for realizing that he was already feeling a little embarrassed about how that question had affected him, and didn’t want to draw more attention to himself. As if that was possible.

A minute or two passed, and Loki felt himself growing stronger and steadier. He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand before sitting back in his chair and clearing his throat. “I apologize for that. Where was I? Right. So, um, he seemed to disappear after the Bread Co incident, I had a long chat with Livvy and told her how I didn’t want her to end up being hurt by this, told her that she could always leave. She told me she…” he hesitated, eyeing her carefully, unsure of what to say. “She didn’t want to. So Livvy and I went out to the zoo the next week, to try and do something she wanted to, and get away from it all. Which actually worked quite well, barring the moment when we went to the park and Livvy had to tell me to get over myself.”

“I did not say that!” Livvy protested, and Loki chuckled. “I told you to stop focusing on the negatives.”

“On my negatives, darling. Come on, you were definitely telling me to get over myself.”

“Oh.” Livvy blinked. “Well, now that you say it like that, it sounds awful.”

Loki chuckled again. “Never mind, darling, I know what you meant. Anyway, the weekend went well, for a change, and it was relatively warm. Um, the next weekend, Livvy came over, and that’s when… this happened.” He ran his fingers gently over Livvy’s hurt shoulder. “I suppose you want a full explanation of this?”

“If you don’t mind,” Marie said. “Livvy wouldn’t tell us the whole story.”

Livvy looked up at Loki, rubbing his knee soothingly. “Are you sure you want to do this? You couldn’t even explain what happened to Thor and I.”

“I know. I’m just going to outline it, darling. I was hoping that you could tell them the rest.”

“It didn’t even happen to me though. I might get something wrong.”

“It didn’t happen to you, no, so you can be dispassionate about it. It’s really hard for me, darling. I was planning on explaining it all, but every time I tried to, my mind just got stuck. I’m trying to distance myself from all of this, think of it as telling a story and not what happened to me. But it’s not easy with this one. I—I can’t, really. It’s too personal, too painful. Everything else happened by Rico’s hand, but somehow the thing that didn’t was one of the most painful, humiliating experiences. I didn’t even pass out.”

“Loki…”

“Quiet, darling,” he said gently. “I’ll be fine.” He looked at the family at the table and took a deep breath. “Livvy was at my place, and she was listening to something, but I started speaking and interrupted it. She tried to shush me by clapping a hand over my mouth, and that effectively triggered a memory that I want to forget. You see, back in the gang, I made a bet that another gangster wouldn’t be able to get his hands on a gun. We only had knives, not other weapons. He won the bet, and although I wriggled my way out of him killing me, he basically had an opportunity to do what he wanted with me. I had planted an idea or two in his head weeks before, and unfortunately, I think he chose the worst of them. Um, he…” Loki faltered, and his impersonal facade quickly broke. “It was awful,” he choked out, his throat constricting. “Livvy, I need you to explain this.”

“Right. Here goes. The man decided to use fishing line and a needle to—”

Loki’s stomach lurched, and he quickly cried out, “Stop, stop. I actually can’t hear this. Can I… mind if I go upstairs? Call me when you’re finished. I’m sorry, darling. I can’t—” His eyes filled with tears, and he fisted his hand near his lips, biting his knuckles.

“Of course, Loki. Go ahead. This isn’t going to take long, though.”  
“Tell them about the whole day then, okay? I need a break.” He knew he was pale, by the way he felt a little wobbly as he stood up. Nausea pulled at his stomach, and he walked quickly toward the stairs as Livvy nodded and watched him. Grabbing the handrail, he made it to the top quite quickly, and heard the muffled sound of Livvy continuing to tell the story to her family.

Loki hurried into Livvy’s room, finding her ensuite bathroom quite easily. He lifted the toilet lid and seat and leaned over it, making himself vomit until his stomach felt empty. He felt tears on his face, and let them fall as he flushed the toilet and rinsed his mouth at the sink. He gazed into the mirror, raising his hands to his lips and feeling for every small scar. As usual, his lips were dry and chapped from him biting at and licking them—a habit he had formed after his lips had been sewn. He cleaned the toilet thoroughly before leaving.

Walking out of the bathroom, Loki took a seat on Livvy’s bed, swinging his long legs onto it and leaning against the backboard. He sighed, still feeling slightly sick, although his head had cleared slightly. The Prozac was helping slightly with his nightmares and flashbacks, and his hypervigilance had calmed slightly, but some things were just too stressful. He wasn’t surprised that he was having a hard time with this whole explanation process, and he honestly hadn’t expected to keep anything down that night. He had just made a valiant effort for Livvy’s sake.

A black and white cat jumped onto Loki’s legs, sauntering up to his stomach and flopping down, kneading it gently. Loki smiled slightly. “Hello, Pepper.” The cat responded by butting his head up against Loki’s hand, which he had raised to pet the cat. “Aren’t you a sweetheart?”

Loki looked up as he heard footsteps on the stairs. To his surprise, it wasn’t Livvy who appeared, but rather John. “Hello,” Loki said, his eyebrows shooting up.

“Hi. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute, since we’ve got a moment alone.” Loki nodded, moving his legs off of the bed and sitting on the edge so that Livvy’s father could sit next to him. “Livvy’s told us the story.”

“Mmhmm.” Loki absentmindedly traced his lip line again. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to spring it on her. Somehow, I just can’t get myself to hear it or say it. Sort of… makes it real.” He spoke quietly.

“That makes sense.” There was a moment of silence. “I just wanted to know… you’ve obviously been through a lot, and you’re so young—are you sure you’re okay to be going into a relationship right now?”

“Trust me, that thought has been haunting my waking thoughts for a while now.” Loki chuckled humorlessly. “I do believe that I’ve been forced to grow up rather quickly. I joined the gang when I was twenty, and that’s when I left home. I was thrown into something that was bigger than me, into pain, into loss, and I had to figure out who I was and fight for that. Getting out of it, going through the withdrawal from it—not literal withdrawal; I’m not a drug addict, but figurative withdrawal—forced me to find myself. My mother died just after that and I was forced to reevaluate everything. She held me together more than anything, and I felt responsible for her death, and that… shattered me. To be completely frank with you, I sat at the edge of the bathtub with a knife in my hand for hours that night. Hours. Literally.” He looked up through his eyelashes, his green eyes dark and nervous. “If I had gone for it, I wouldn’t have failed. But going through that—it forces you to be mature. And I realized that I couldn’t throw away what I had. I still had a life.” Loki buried his face in his hands. “Look, I know that I’m not who you wanted for your daughter, but trust me when I say that I’m trying my best. I won’t let her down. I’ve changed a lot recently, but I’ve also grown a lot. It’s not maturity I’m lacking. The only thing fighting against me here is my own bloo—stupid mind.”

“Does Livvy know about that? How you contemplated a second attempt?” John looked uncomfortable, and Loki desperately wished that they didn’t have to have this conversation.

“It’s one of the few things I haven’t told her,” he admitted. “She hates it when I talk about suicide, for obvious reason. The thing is—I’m not looking for pity, I’m not looking for attention.” He fixed his watery green eyes on John’s hazel ones. “What I have to deal with is… very unfortunate, but it really shouldn’t always be like this. Rico is bringing all this up, and I’m actually just in a really bad patch right now. I’m on meds now, which are helping somewhat. Really, I don’t want to be weak in her eyes. I’m not weak. I’m fully capable of taking care of her.”

“I believe you. I just wanted to check that you’ve thought about that. That was only two years ago, wasn’t it?

“Yes, it was. It’s all still quite recent, which is why it’s still such a big issue for me. It’ll always be around, but it should lessen in intensity somewhat, eventually. I–I’m so sorry. I know I’m not what you expected.

“Don’t be,” John said gently. “It’s not your fault. I just wanted to be sure that you feel okay to move on with this right now.” Loki nodded.

“Livvy’s lucky, you know,” Loki said as John moved to get up. “She’s had you. From what I’ve seen, you’re a wonderful father. It really can make all the difference.”

John smiled, looking awkward, and there was a moment of silence before he hesitantly said, “If you’re here to stay, then I’d be happy to try and fill that void for you.”

The tears finally fell from Loki’s eyes, and he gazed up at him, smiling slightly. “Thank you.”

John stood up, walking back toward the steps. “Are you coming?”

Loki sighed, standing up. “Have you got any whiskey?”

***

“One of my worst flashbacks happened a week ago, on Sunday,” Loki said, sipping his whiskey as he continued their story. “Everyone was over at our place, and we were snowed in, remember? Anyway—it started out as a nightmare, and Thor tried to wake me up, but it was one of the hard ones.”

“What does that mean?” Marie asked.

“There’s an odd feeling of being pulled down into a flashback or a nightmare, as if it’s holding you underwater and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to struggle to the surface. That’s the only way I can describe it. This one seemed to have me especially tightly in its grip. It’s very hard to wake me from that sort of thing, and unfortunately, this one wasn’t even that simple. Once I woke up, I merely lapsed into a flashback. The electricity was out, so it was hard for me to find something to focus on, to hold onto to avoid getting dragged back under. That’s always the key—give me something to focus on. But I couldn’t see anything, so it was just that much worse.” He hesitated, debating he much to tell them. “I freaked out Wanda by begging her not to kill me when she lit a match. There’s this scary period between being in a flashback and being awake, in which you begin to see the people around you, people that you care about, as being in the flashback. I… um.” He paused again. _What do I need to tell them?_ “Thor was trying to pull me out of it, but that wasn’t really working. He, um, wasn’t the right person, because in that moment, I was imagining that it was Livvy who was being hurt alongside me.” He exhaled quickly. There, he had said it.

“That must have been horrifying,” David murmured. “How vivid are these flashbacks?”

“Very. I’m there. My body reacts as if I was there. I was actually overheating with that one, because part of it was… well, it was hot. I don’t really want to explain the whole thing. Fire and stuff.” He waved his hand vaguely. “All real memories, except for Livvy’s share in it, of course. It happened very early in the morning, so I disturbed everyone’s sleep.”

“Everyone woke up for this?” Linda asked, opening her mouth for perhaps the first time. The conversation seemed to be making her a little uncomfortable.

Loki made a pained expression. “Yes. I wasn’t exactly focusing on being quiet. It was highly embarrassing and I hope it never happens again.” He took a deep sip of his whiskey.

“What’s it like to watch?” Marie asked Livvy.

“Weird,” Livvy admitted. “You’ve got someone who’s sitting there yelling at someone who isn’t there. Well, not even just that, actually. More like begging them to stop hurting him.”

Loki grimaced. “I probably look like a total idiot.”

“No, no, that’s not what I’m saying. It’s scary because I know that you’re seeing something I can’t see, and thus I don’t know how to help you. You’re, like, in pain, and there’s nothing I can do.”  
“There is, actually. You just need to learn how to do it. You’re already getting the idea of it—you were the one who finally pulled me out that night, and… throughout other little incidents, you seemed to know what you were doing.”

“I know. It’s just strange.”

“Mm. I understand that. I’m—”

“If you apologize one more time, Loki, I’m going to throw my fork at your head.”

Loki snorted, glad for the reprieve from the intensity of the conversation. “Anyway, that’s about it, I think. That takes us to where we are now. Um… anything else you think they need to know, Olivia?” He frowned as he considered it.

“Don’t think so.” Livvy reaches over and grabbed the forgotten photo album from in front of Loki, and paged through the remaining photos. “You had this long hair for a while,” she commented.

“Mm. I’m out of the gang in this photo.” He pointed to a picture of him in the front yard of his parents’ house. He was holding a shovel, and there was a hole by his feet. “I was helping mother plant a tree,” he explained. “You can see the ankle bracelet there.” His hair was still long in the photo, dyed green at the ends instead of the previous pink.

“Wow.” Livvy looked closely at the photos, flipping back a couple pages to see Loki with the gang. She turned the album, looking intently at a photo. “You can actually see some scarring on your lips here,” she said quietly.

Loki leaned over, looking at the photo. It had clearly been taken not long after the incident—the skin around his lips was blood-red, and Loki’s smile was more of a painful grimace. Small red holes dotted the outline of his lips, and his jaw looked brushed. Loki shuddered. “Yeah. That was… quite soon afterwards, I’d say. I think Rico has photos of the actual event. I hope he hasn’t kept them, but considering what he gave me yesterday, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“What?” Livvy looked up at him quickly.

“Oh.” Loki rubbed a hand across his face. “Right… I haven’t told you yet. Somehow, he or one of his men got into my locker at the rink. They ruined my old skates, cutting them up so that they’re rather unusable. And they left something else in there for me.” He grimaced. “Actually, I’ve got it with me. Thor took it, but it wound up in my bag by the end of the day. I think he was disgusted and had no idea what to do with it.” Loki got up and walked to his bag, rifling through an outside pocket before removing a ziplock bag, which he tossed onto the table. “Don’t open that. And yes, it’s the original.”

Livvy stared at the bloodstained fishing line in horror. “That… that is really thick. And stiff. And bloody.”

“Mm.” Loki tore his gaze away from it, feeling sick. “It’s not a fun momento.”

“Why would he give you this?” Marie asked.

“I don’t know. To get my nerves up and make me lose the competition, I suppose? Very petty, but that’s not really surprising. Otherwise it’s just a reminder that he’s still out there.” He sighed deeply. “This needs to end soon.”

“Do you think it ever will?” Livvy asked quietly.

Loki was quiet for a moment before speaking, his words weighted with anxiety. “Only if I make a move. I’ve discussed it with the police--if I ever find a way to draw him out, we can set up an ambush. But I don’t know when, or even if, that will ever be possible. He hasn’t given me a way to contact him. If I wanted to rejoin the gang, I could--he’s got eyes everywhere--but someone else would no doubt fetch me, and I’d have no clue of the location we’d be heading to. Either way, the police don’t like using me as bait because it would obviously be incredibly dangerous.”

“You think he would kill you?” John asked.

“I don’t know why this surprises everyone, really. It’s a gang. Killing is something that’s done. I never did murder anyone, thankfully, although I came very close. But I nearly died, several times. There was one time where Rico did something to me and I was suffering from smoke inhalation and heatstroke, which weakened me to the point that one of my wounds got infected. I was in and out of consciousness for days, and there was some talk about how I really should be in a hospital. Rico didn’t want to take the risk. However valuable I was to him, I could never be _that_ valuable. Besides, he’d probably lose me if I went to the hospital. My point is--I could have died then, and the one person who could have saved me made no move to do so. He wouldn’t hesitate to hurt me now, whether or not it resulted in my death--actually, he’d be more likely to do so, because I’m not part of the gang anymore.”

“He would have just let you die from wounds he inflicted? Yeesh.” Linda spoke.

“Yep, that’s about the size of it. I’ve still got a pretty prominent scar from that--it’s quite long, stretching from my shoulder blade to about halfway down my back.”

“How’d you get the wound?”

_From a whip. Do they know that he whipped me? Should they know that?_ “Don’t worry about it. One just… gets these things sometimes.” Loki sighed. “We’ll figure it out, someday. I’m trying to ignore it, mostly. Trying to move on with my life and shove him out of it.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Livvy said, putting an arm gently around Loki’s waist. He offered her a half-smile.

The family gradually left the table, moving to the couches and making tea. Livvy and Loki sat together, saying nothing, content in each other’s company. _It’ll be okay,_ Loki thought, kissing Livvy on her head. _We’ll all be okay._


	16. Let's Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor's wedding! A sweet, fluffy chapter for a change. ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long, guys! I had some reservations about posting the rest of this story on here, since it does admittedly get a bit unrealistic at some point, but I figured I may as well. Who knows. Lol.

“You look great, Brother. A good change from your usual homeless look.”

“Hey!” Thor chuckled, gently punching Loki. “Can you help me out with this bow tie?”

“Of course, brother dear,” Loki said sarcastically, moving to stand in front of Thor and fiddling with the tie of his tuxedo. The man did truly look quite dashing in his black form-fitting black tuxedo. After straightening the bow tie, Loki reached for the cuff links, putting them on Thor without being asked. “Really, Thor. Jane will absolutely love this look on you. I think I’ll be guarding Livvy.” He winked.

“Of course not,” Thor said, laughing. “You look quite dashing yourself.” Loki smiled, and they went and stood next to each other, looking in the mirror. Loki straightened his red tie self-consciously. He did look good—very slim and elegant in his black suit. His hair was on the longer side, curling just under his ears. It was neatly slicked back away from his forehead, lending him a grown-up, suave vibe.

“Thank you,” Loki said finally, nodding. “For having me as your best man.”

“Of course, Loki.” Thor patted him on the back. “As long as you return the favor.” He winked.

Loki snorted. “I wasn’t aware that this role came with conditions. And I really don’t like wearing a red tie. That’s your color.”

“It is my wedding, I’ll have you remember.”

Loki chuckled. “One more thing.” He reached for an end table, and took two buttonhole flowers from it. He added one to Thor’s tuxedo, and Thor did likewise for Loki. “Are you ready?”

“As I’ll ever be,” Thor said, taking a deep breath. Loki chuckled, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“You’ll forget all your nerves once you see Jane.”

“How do you know?”

Loki shrugged. “That’s what they all say.”

“Must be true then,” Thor said sarcastically.

“Oh, shut up, you lumbering oaf.”

“I hope you didn’t include that nickname in your best man speech,” Thor said, laughing.

Eyes twinkling, Loki stepped to the door. “Come on, you don’t want to get there after the bride.” He walked to his car, unlocking it and sliding into the driver’s seat. Thor climbed into the passenger’s seat, fiddling with his hair.

“Oh, calm down, Thor. Just think what fun you’ll be having tonight, while I’m cleaning up after your reception with my own girlfriend, longing for the same thing.”

“Way to be dirty about it,” Thor said, laughing.

“It didn’t have to be interpreted that way,” Loki argued, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

“You should just propose to her already.”

Loki’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh, and here I was thinking you would hate me if I did that at your reception. Well, well, there’s still time to change that.” He glanced over at his brother and laughed heartily. “Oh, stars, your face! I’m kidding, brother. You really are nervous,” he grinned.

“Stop teasing me,” Thor said, feigning grumpiness, although his mouth twitched at the corners.

“Then stop asking me about getting married. It’s only been, what, six weeks? And I only just met her parents. I’d like to give it time.”

“For her sake, or yours?”

“Definitely hers,” Loki chuckled. “Darn it, I’d marry her tomorrow, if it wasn’t for the fact that I want to go slow with her. I’d like to have this whole Rico situation over, too. I’d be far too afraid that he’d try and mess up my wedding. If it was up to me, I’d just go with a courthouse wedding and be done. She wouldn’t want that, though.”

“Interesting,” Thor mused.

Loki shot him a look. “You’re strictly forbidden from sharing this information with anyone else.”

“I won’t. You’re being awfully forthcoming today.”

“I’m happy. It’s a good day. My brother’s getting married.” He took a hand off of the steering wheel to place it on Thor’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you.”

***

The ceremony ended, and people stood up, rushing toward the new couple to congratulate them in the few minutes they had until they would have to hurry off for photos. Loki scanned the hall for Livvy. He spotted her red hair in the crowd and hurried over. As he got closer, his steps slowed as he took in her stunning appearance. She was wearing a nice green lace dress with 4” high heel, tan-colored lace-up boots. Her makeup was done perfectly, and she even had a slight reddish shine to her lips. Her short pixie cut was styled nicely so that it hung half across her face.

“You look absolutely gorgeous,” Loki said when he approached, still looking at her appreciatively.

Livvy laughed, looking him over. “You look pretty dashing yourself.”

“Thank you, darling. I’ve got to run soon—I’m part of this group that needs photos taken. Ugh. Have I mentioned that I hate being in photos?”

Livvy held up get phone and smiled mischievously. “Want to take a warm-up selfie, then?”

“No, but for you.” Loki chuckled and leaned into her as she snapped a photo. “That actually doesn’t look awful,” he commented appreciatively.

***

Loki checked his watch for the third time as the guests at the reception began finishing their dinners. He was sitting next to Thor at the bridal table, with Jane sat next to Thor, their hands entertained as they shot loving glances at each other. Loki would be sickened by the display, if he wasn’t finding himself sending similar glances toward Livvy, who was sitting at a separate table, as she wasn’t a part of the bridal party.

“Stop being so nervous,” Thor said suddenly, and Loki almost jumped out of his chair.

“I’m not nervous,” he said quickly, schooling his face into an impassive expression. “I’m just anxious for my speech.”

“You’d better not have been too mischievous,” Thor said, chuckling.

“Mm, we’ll see.” Loki gave his brother a smirk before finally standing up and tapping a spoon on his champagne glass. “Hello everyone. As Thor’s Best Man, I thought I would make a brief speech to commemorate this occasion.

“Over the years, Thor and I have had a, ah, turbulent relationship. I admit I was often jealous of him, and this in turn sparked more arguments than probably any of you could imagine.” Loki chuckled dryly. “I admit that when Thor approached me in my room and asked me to be his best man, I barely glanced at him before telling him straight-out that he was an idiot, and waving him away. Somehow or other, my oaf of a brother took that as an acquiescence to said role, and proceeded to tell everyone of my involvement in the wedding.” Everyone laughed, and Loki smiled fondly before continuing. “I was just about to formally decline his invitation when something stopped me. I found myself thinking of how good a housemate Thor has been to me, how kind he appears to be with Jane, how happy he’s been since he’s met her, and most of all, how he’s never given up on me.” A brief look of gentle emotion flashed across Loki’s face. “Somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him no, so… that was that.

“I think I’ve written about a dozen speeches since I’ve decided to take on the role, sitting at work, waiting to check out the next customer, my eyes idly skimming a page of Shakespeare for inspiration. Nothing I wrote seemed quite adequate, so I decided to quote the Bard himself:

‘Methinks you are my glass, and not my brother: I see by you I am a sweet-faced youth.’

“When everyone else gave up on me, brother, you still kept in mind the person I had been, the boy you had grown up with, even if I had hurt you, possibly intentionally, more than a few times in our spars as a child,” he added with a wink. “You’ve always clung to that person you believe I am. When everyone else gave me up as lost, you came looking for me. I tried to kill you, and yet here you were, sharing an apartment with me and asking me to be your best man.

“Jane, you really are the luckiest person to be marrying such a sweet, selfless person as my brother. We’ve had our differences, but I cannot see anything but good in him, even when I can’t see any in myself. He’s always alive with hope, with encouragement, with the assurance that everything is going to be okay. I hope he’ll continue to share that side with you. I hope he continues to love you, to trust you like he did me. We all know that you’re a lot more worthy of that than I am.” He chuckled. “Thor, I want you to know that you’re the best brother I could have hoped for. I’m so happy to see you so happy, and I’m definitely looking forward to watching the rest of your life play out. Thank you, for everything.” He smiled, placing a hand on Thor’s shoulder. “Congratulations to the new couple!”

There was clapping and enthusiastic cheering, and Loki sat back down, noticing Thor wipe a few tears from his eyes. “That was beautiful, Loki,” he murmured.

“Relish it while you can, brother; I’m never saying anything like that again,” Loki muttered. Despite the grudging tone, Loki found himself smiling as he began to eat the rest of his dinner now that the stressful part of the evening was over. Eventually, he finished his dinner as Thor and Jane moved to take the first dance. He watched them, a smile playing across his face. The next dance featured Jane’s father dancing with her, and Thor dancing with Jane’s bridesmaid, a nice girl named Darcy. Loki found himself dancing with Darcy after that, and he found her to be lively and fun, albeit not a very accomplished dancer. When the song ended, Loki graciously thanked her for it, and walked off to find Livvy, who was chatting animatedly to Wanda.

“Hello, Olivia,” Loki said formally, taking her hand and giving it a kiss. “Could I have the pleasure of this dance?”

“Wow,” Livvy said, giggling nervously as she stood up. “You may.”

Loki grinned and pulled her off to the dance floor. “I don’t really know how to dance,” Livvy admitted quietly.

“Just follow my lead, darling. My father was always a part of an organization of some sort, so I know how to dance.”

“I’ve noticed,” Livvy said, her eyebrows raised. “I didn’t realize I was dating such a gentleman.”

Loki laughed. “I grew up in a rich family; we had to learn a thing or two about being respectful.”

“You know, I’d love to see where you grew up,” Livvy admitted as they began to dance. “Meet all your friends, like Sif, and everything.”

“Sif is here,” Loki pointed out. “And so are Thor’s friends, Fandral, Hogun, and Volstagg. Those are… all the people I was really close to, if that’s even the word.” He shrugged. “Sif was my closest friend, while Fandral, Hogun, and Volstagg were more Thor’s style—brains over brawn, all that.” He chuckled. “Here, spin for me, darling.” He lifted her arm, spinning her elegantly around. His expertise in dancing on ice was clearly helping him with his dancing, and he moved nearly as effortlessly and gracefully, guiding Livvy along so that it felt nearly as natural to her as if she too knew how to dance.

“I still want to see where you grew up,” Livvy insisted. “Did you live in, like, a mansion?”

“I suppose you could call it that,” Loki said reluctantly, picturing the sprawling Victorian-style house, with its manicured gardens and U-shaped driveway. It was a mansion, and right on the beach, too. “But then we’d have to stay with Odin,” he pointed out quietly. “I just don’t want to go right now. Maybe when we’re…” He paused, suddenly realizing that saying ‘when we’re married’ was probably more than a bit presumptive. “In a better place?” He finished awkwardly, ending in an accidental question.

Livvy raised her eyebrows at him. “What in the world is that supposed to mean?”

Loki flashed her a quick, unsure smile before whirling her into another spin. “What about you? Do your parents want to get to know me better?”

“Actually, yeah, I was wanting to talk to you about that.”

“Oh?” The song ended, and Loki sat down next to Livvy at her table, the seat next to her having been vacated due to Wanda having gotten up to dance with Fandral. Loki glanced over at them, his eyes dancing with humor as he watched the tall, charming blonde man dance with the smaller brunette girl.

“They were actually wondering if we could go down there for a week or so and stay with them,” Livvy said, whirling Loki back to the conversation at hand.

Loki blinked, then turned and, taking one of the spare, unused wine glasses on the table, poured himself a glass of white wine from the bottle in the center of the table. He took a long sip before answering. “Um, wow. That was unexpected.”

“Was it?” Livvy furrowed her brows. “I think it’s fairly normal for them to want to get to know you better before… anything progresses.”

“Man, I must have come across as very serious then.” Loki swirled the wine in his glass, staring at it intently.

“I thought you’d have been happy to come to my parent’s place for a week.” Livvy sounded slightly wounded, and Loki’s eyes snapped back on her and he quickly started shaking his head.

“No no no no no, I’m not saying I’ve got any problem with getting to know your parents. It’s just—I don’t know, I—” he hesitated. “I just—feel nervous staying elsewhere, you know? If something…”

“Loki, don’t you think it would be a good idea to get away from it all for a week? Nobody will follow you to my parent’s house.”

My memories will, Loki thought, but bit back the words. “I’m sure you’re right.” He hesitated. “Can I bring Fenrir?”

Livvy shifted uncomfortably. “They don’t really like animals.”

“Awesome,” Loki said dryly. He glanced up at Livvy, catching her pained expression, and sighed heavily. “This means a lot to you, doesn’t it?”

“It does,” Livvy said gently. “I understand your reservations, but…”

“Right. This is about you, too. Just—at least tell me there’s a rink nearby?”

“There is,” Livvy assured him quickly. “Don’t worry about that.”

“Thank goodness. I guess that’s settled then. When do they want us to come?” He caught Livvy’s grateful smile and offered her one in return before they began setting up dates. Soon, it was settled—they’d go down there the next week, since Loki already had a couple days off of work that week.

“We can drive down together,” Loki suggested. “I’ll come by your house and pick you up next Monday, and we’ll drive there. How far away did you say they live?”

“About four hours,” Livvy replied. “Not fun, but also not an awful drive. I’ll check in with my parents regularly so that it’s okay for us to drive together.”

“Right. I’ll ask my coach if he can work the weekend in exchange for the rest of the week off, just to make sure I don’t fall behind too much.” A song Loki recognized came on, and he stood up. “Come, darling. Let’s dance.”


	17. Lightheaded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of Odin and Loki arguments. Loki almost passes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for discussion of eating disorders and PTSD.

“So you’re going to be spending next week at Livvy’s parents’ place?”

“Looks that way. Unless that’s a problem for you, I don’t mind—”

Heimdall laughed. “Sorry, Laufeyson. I’m not letting you off the hook on this.”

“Darn it,” Loki muttered. “I’m really not looking forward to this.” The man finished lacing up his skates and stepped onto the ice, skating in a gentle loop before resting to stand opposite his coach by the boards.

“I’m sure it will be fine,” Heimdall said, chuckling. “You’ve already met them, and you said they don’t hate you, right?”

“That’s true, I guess,” Loki said with a shrug. “It’s just—staying with them is a whole other ballgame. Although it can’t be worse than this week… Odin decided to invite himself to stay at my place after the wedding, so he’s in Thor’s old room now. I’m trapped with my adopted father in my space.” The skater made a face.

“He’s your father; he probably just wants to spend time with you, get to know you better.”

“Firstly, he’s not my father, and secondly, he ruined that opportunity for himself a long time ago.”

“I believe we were just talking about not holding grudges, weren’t we, Laufeyson?” Heimdall grinned.

“Entirely different.” Loki dismissed the thought with a flick of his hand. “He’s forgiven for lying to me my whole life, but he’s still not interested in accepting who I really am now. He won’t ever tell me he’s proud of me. He doesn’t love me. So how can he expect me to love him back?” He blinked and turned around quickly. “Needless to say, I’m avoiding my apartment right now. So feel free to make it a long session.”

Heimdall raised his eyebrows, and Loki skated off, circling around the ice as he warmed himself up. Things had been looking uphill on the Saturday night of Thor’s wedding, but Odin had arrived the next morning, telling Loki that he hadn’t booked any more hotel days but would really appreciate it if he could stay there, since Loki had an extra room and all now. He had tried to refuse, but Odin had dismissed his protests and all but forced the issue.

Loki sighed, gliding in a figure eight and appreciating the grooves he left in the ice. As usual, he was afraid of showing weakness to his father, and also as usual, this created an unhealthy fear of sleep. _To sleep—but what dreams may come… aye, there’s the rub._ He had hardly slept at all, keeping himself awake with his fear and watching movies on his iPad for most of the night. As soon as the sun had risen, Loki had leapt out of bed and gone for a run with Fenrir, barely pausing to take the dog home before heading to work. After work, he had come immediately to skating practice, with the nice effect that he hadn’t seen Odin all day. He rather hoped he could pull off getting home late enough that his adoptive father would be asleep already… but that was highly unlikely. Still, he could hope.

Heimdall started calling out moves, and Loki let himself flow into them as seamlessly as he could, which sometimes wasn’t very well at all. He had given some thought to his coach’s offer to level up to shoot for the Olympics, and had finally told him that he wouldn’t do it now, but would definitely consider it in the future. This, oddly enough, had only had the effect of spurring Heimdall on to teach him more complicated moves, in the off chance that he would accept the offer.

A couple hours passed, and Loki felt himself growing tired and a little dizzy. His eyes felt like closing, and he had a bit of a headache starting up, along with a queasy feeling in his stomach. He blinked, resolutely trying to dispel the feeling.

“Alright, I’m going to turn on some music and let you do a free skate,” Heimdall called. “You can have a break after that.”

“Sounds good,” Loki said quickly, coming to a stop in the center of the ice as he waited for the music to start. He shook his head quickly, and his dizziness receded slightly, much to his relief.

The music started, and he struggled to focus his mind on it, trying to let his body relax into the melody. He raised his arms elegantly above his head, closing his eyes briefly against a wave of nausea. Settling back into a quick spin, he began skating backwards. Suddenly the world began to tilt on its axis, and Loki slowed, quickly trying to stop. The spinning didn’t stop, and he staggered sideways, grabbing onto the boards for support. Heimdall skated up to him, looking alarmed, as black spots began to dance into Loki’s vision and he fought the urge to vomit.

“Laufeyson, hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah—yeah.” His voice shook slightly, and he winced, feeling embarrassed. His legs suddenly felt inadequate to support him, and he longed to but didn’t dare to show his weakness by sitting down on the ice.

Gravity clearly disagreed with him, as a moment later, his legs gave out, and he stumbled heavily into Heimdall, suddenly unable to see anything but the color black. Heimdall grabbed onto him, lowering both himself and Loki to the ice. “Clearly, you’re not okay.”

“I’ll be fine in a minute,” Loki said shakily, grabbing Heimdall’s arm tightly to ground himself. “I can’t see.”

“This isn’t a flashback, is it?”

“No, no, no.”

“Alright then, have you been drinking enough water?”

“I think so.”

“Have you eaten enough today?”

Loki’s vision began to return, and he fought to steady his breathing. “Um…” he hesitated. “I didn’t sleep much last night.”

“So you’ve barely eaten and you haven’t slept much. What am I going to do with you?” He sighed despairingly. “I keep telling you…”

“It’s just, it’s been so busy, I was in a rush to get out of the house this morning so I didn’t grab lunch—everything’s been out of control.”

“And eating is one thing you can control,” Heimdall finished. “Are you aware that you display symptoms of an eating disorder quite a lot?”

Loki winced. “Can we get off the ice? I’m feeling a little better.”

Heimdall stood up, supporting Loki on his arm, and they skated off the ice. The world was still spinning a little, which made his skating a little unsteady, and he was grateful for his coach’s support. When they got off the ice, Heimdall helped Loki slip his skate guards on, and then he guided him to the benches, where Loki sat down. “I’ve got some snacks with me—I want you to eat them, and you’re not going to refuse.”

“I am hungry,” Loki admitted, leaning his head against the wall. He closed his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath and feeling his dizziness recede. He opened his eyes again and took a packet of peanut butter balls from Heimdall. His coach sat next to him, and a moment passed in silence.

“You feeling any better? That was probably caused by low blood pressure or something.”

“Yes. Sorry about that.” Loki’s voice sounded steadier, which he was grateful for. “I am trying. It’s just not easy with all that’s been going on. Livvy keeps getting on at me about it.”

“And so she should. I mentioned to her that she needs to look out for you in that regard.”

Loki’s eyebrows shot up. “Excuse me?”

“Look, I’m your coach, so I’m not just going to sit back and let you keep her in the dark about this.”

“What did you tell her?” Loki’s words were tinged with resignation.

“Just to look out for you, and that I think a lot of your issues are psychological.”

Loki rolled his eyes. “You and I have discussed this many times. I’m fine.”

“You’re clearly not fine, Laufeyson, you just passed out on the ice.”

“I hardly passed out.”

“Well then, came very close to it. Blacked out. It doesn’t matter, Laufeyson. You’re still not being healthy to yourself. You’re not going to treat yourself like this on my watch.”

To his chagrin, Loki found that he really didn’t have any retort for that. His coach was right… he clearly wasn’t alright. “Alright, fine, I’ll try harder.”

“Not good enough,” Heimdall said briskly, grabbing his bag and getting out a pen and paper. “Your brother isn’t living with you anymore to control what you’re eating, so I’m going to make you a detailed meal plan, and you’re going to follow it. I’ve threatened this before, but now it’s going to happen. And I want you to weigh yourself each night and send the results to me. Next week, you’ll eat whatever your girlfriend does, but you still have to send me your weigh-in results, okay?”

“Fine,” Loki muttered, finishing the snack packet and crumpling it in his hand. He had to admit, he already felt stronger. “Can I at least have some input on this?”

“Of course. We’ll discuss it together.”

***

Loki slid into his car, sitting there for a moment without turning the ignition on and staring at the paper in his hands. He went over the food in his head, mentally calculating what he had in his house and what he didn’t.

Breakfast: Tea, Fiber One cereal with nonfat milk or a waffle with peanut butter, a piece of fruit, and orange juice.

Mid-morning snack: Greek yogurt or a green smoothie with kale, berries, and frozen banana.

Lunch: Turkey sandwich with mustard, lettuce, tomato, and pickle; or bean-based vegetable soup; or grilled chicken breast on a salad with vinaigrette (especially on days with full-time skating practice). Carrots and/or low-sugar oatmeal cookies as a side.

Mid-afternoon snack: Grapes, cheese or hummus, and whole-grain crackers.

Dinner: Chicken breast or ground turkey or salmon, baked potato/sweet potato or wild rice, and a salad, veggies, or spinach as a side (you can use these as general guidelines).

After-dinner snack: Graham crackers and milk or fruit sorbet.

Loki sighed and pulled out his phone, turning the car on as he began to shiver from the cold. He typed out a text to Livvy.

_Hello darling. How are you doing?_

The reply came back quickly. _Hey! I’m fine, just sort of chilling at home before I’ll make supper. How’s it going with Odin staying with you?_

_Awful. I barely slept last night, and have spent the whole day on the go, which got me in trouble with my coach._

_Oh?_

_Yes. He gave me a meal plan that I apparently have to follow almost religiously, although I’m allowed one cheat day a week. I actually need to go shopping for some of the stuff on here… want to come with? It’s the US Figure Skating Championships tonight so I thought maybe you could come watch with me—I don’t really want to be stuck with just Odin all night. I’ll ask Bucky too if you’d like._

_That sounds good! So are you and Bucky getting to know each other better then?_

_We spoke a little the other night, after my competition, and we’ve definitely got a lot in common. I’m considering asking him if he wants to room with me—I’m not looking forward to paying the extra rent, and I think he’s looking for a place._ Loki switched from their conversation to text Bucky, inviting him for the championships on TV. Bucky quickly responded with a yes, and Loki switched back to Livvy’s conversation, noticing that she had replied to him. __

_Well, I’m glad you’re making friends._

Loki chuckled. _Whatever. I’ll pick you up in ten minutes, is that okay?_

_Alright, yikes, let me go put some makeup on quick._

Loki smiled. _Don’t bother, darling, I’m sure you look gorgeous either way._

_You flatterer,_ came the reply, followed by a quick, _Not that I don’t love it._

Laughing, Loki quickly texted that he was on his way, then put the phone down. He started driving, turning on Bluetooth to listen to his music. He felt completely fine now, much to his relief. Thinking about Heimdall’s words from earlier, Loki sighed. Did he have an eating disorder of some sort? Did he think it was something he could control, and thus used it as such? He knew he hadn’t eaten enough while in the gang, but then, none of them had, had they? Or had they? Loki blinked, shaking his head quickly. It didn’t matter. He was fine. Sure, he had noticed himself getting thinner, but it wasn’t really a big deal, was it? He still felt fine, and being lighter made jumps easier to perform.

Pulling into Livvy’s driveway, Loki sighed, trying to decide how much to tell his girlfriend. Turning off the car, he climbed out and knocked on the door. A cat appeared next to him, and Loki kneeled down to pet the black-and-white animal. “Hello, Pepper.”

The door opened, and Loki straightened as Livvy stepped out of the house and gave him a hug. Loki wrapped his arms around her tightly. “It’s so good to see you, darling,” he said, almost emotionally.

“Clearly you’ve not told me everything,” she said quietly. “Come on, we can talk while we drive.”

“Sounds good.” Loki let go of her and walked to the car, opening her door before circling around the car and getting in the driver’s seat. He turned on the car, and they drove for a moment in silence. Livvy was watching him warily, but she didn’t push him to say anything.

“Coach said he talked to you,” Loki finally said.

To his surprise, Livvy looked irritated. “Why would he do that? I thought we spoke in confidence. Stupid.”

Loki raised his eyebrows and shot her a surprised look, pausing before continuing. “Could you tell me exactly what he told you?”

Livvy looked weary. “Hang on, what did he tell you he said?”

“I’d like to know your version of it first, if you don’t mind.” A moment of silence spread through the car. “He thinks a lot of things about me and my health that I don’t agree with,” Loki said finally.

“He basically said that you seem to have unhealthy tendencies that you use as an alternative to… more… extreme measures, I guess.”

Loki furrowed his brows and shifted his leg that he wasn’t using for driving somewhat uncomfortably. “Extreme measures such as?”

“Um… I don’t know. Self-harm?” Her voice was tense and quiet.

“Hm.”

“Loki, have you…”

Loki glanced at her, one eyebrow raised slightly. “Yes?”

“Have you ever cut yourself?”

“As in…”

“Don’t act stupid, Loki. You know exactly what I mean.”

“If you want to talk about self-harm, you’ll want to be able to use the terms. I’ve attempted suicide, Livvy. You’re free to discuss this; whether or not I tell you the answers is up to me.”

“If this is going to work, you need to be honest with me.”

“And I have been, darling.”

“So then tell me the answer to my question.” He raised his eyebrows, and she rolled her eyes. “Fine. Have you ever self-harmed?”

“The short answer is yes, but I don’t do it anymore.” He pulled into the supermarket parking lot and parked the car before turning slightly to look at Livvy. “You have to accept that I’ve got a past, darling. Look at me, darling. I cut myself on my upper leg here.” He indicated the spot with his hand. “I only did it a few times, and that was before my suicide attempt and everything. After that I didn’t care about it being visible and so some of the scars on my arms are from that. I didn’t do it a whole lot though… I didn’t find it hugely satisfying, I suppose. It didn’t hurt enough.”

“Hang on, what?”

“Well, darling, that’s the entire point, to focus on the pain and feel that release from the constant stress, isn’t it? I could have made it hurt more, but then I might get to the point at which I would be impeding my ability to skate, and I didn’t want that. I’ve never participated in any sort of self-harm that would jeopardize my ability to skate.”

“And not eating doesn’t do that?”

Loki sighed deeply and blinked his eyes closed for a minute. “I do not have an eating disorder, and I don’t care what Heimdall says.”

“There’s nothing wrong with it if you do,” Livvy reminded him. “It might be better to accept it.”

“I’m fine,” Loki snapped. “But to answer your question, losing weight helps one jump higher, so it wouldn’t count anyway.”

“Aha, so that’s why—”

“You can stop psychoanalyzing me right now.”

“I don’t believe I was psychoanalyzing you, or else I’d be explaining to you why everything you’ve ever done in your life is due to sex or repressed childhood memories.”

The casual, offhand joke she made took Loki by surprise, and he found himself chuckling. “You’re strange, Olivia.”

“Yep, probably. Come on, Loki, I’m just trying to understand.”

“I know. It’s just… a sensitive topic for me. Everyone’s trying to tell me what’s wrong with me, to fit what I’m feeling into a box, and I don’t think that’s what I need, nor does it make sense to me.” He took his phone out of his pocket, feeling it vibrate. “Hey, Bucky just texted,” he said, relieved to have a different subject to talk about. “He says that there’s an event in the city on Saturday--a sort of dancing party. He’s asked Thor and Jane if they want to come--they’ll be back from their honeymoon--and Steve and some others from the group. There’ll be food, drinks, and dancing, apparently.” He got out of the car, locking it before they entered the supermarket.

“Sounds like fun,” Livvy said. “You’re a good dancer, after all.” Loki smiled as he remembered the dancing at the wedding.

“I’ll tell him it’s a yes, then.” He typed the text, as they started walking through the store, Livvy tossing items from the list into a shopping cart.

The conversation moved on from there, remaining lighthearted, something Loki was grateful for. He was sick and tired of the heavy topics that had been covered lately. Hopefully the next week spent at Livvy’s house would be fun, not tense and serious. Maybe it would even be an opportunity to have some fun, getting to know her parents better.

Something in the back of his mind warned him that that was unlikely.

***

Loki pushed the door to the house open, and was greeted with the sight of Odin sitting on the couch, glaring at him. “Hello to you too,” Loki said dryly.

“You didn’t even bother to wait until I was up before leaving today,” his adoptive father growled. “I didn’t raise you to be so rude.”

Livvy walked in behind Loki, and Odin’s demeanor changed slightly as she said hello and shook his hand. Loki glowered at them before turning his attention to unpacking the food they had brought in.

“I always get up early,” he explained briefly. “I went for a run, and then had to dash out of the house to get to work early. It’s a busy time of year--winter break is coming up, so the high schoolers all have finals and are looking for books to do their research projects with.”

“You could have at least taken the time to make breakfast. There’s nothing to eat in this house.”

“Well, ta-da! I brought food,” Loki said sarcastically. “I didn’t even eat breakfast myself, so bug off.”

“That’s another thing,” Odin said sternly. Livvy had moved to the corner of the kitchen, and was spending more time quietly putting jars of sauces in the cupboard than was strictly necessary. “You clearly left as quickly as possible to avoid talking to me. I got up when I heard you moving around, but you dashed out of the house as fast as you could, didn’t you?”

Loki finally looked up, staring into his single eye. “It’s my house. I can do what I like. You do not have to stay here.”

“I didn’t raise you like this! You are a disgrace of a son.”

Loki was truly angry now. “Well, you’re a mighty fine father, aren’t you? As if you showed me such interest!” His hands curled into fists.

“I came for your tournament!”

“You came to meet Jane before the wedding!” Loki yelled. His words hung in the air, uncontested. “Yes, I thought so,” Loki snarled, and turned back to his groceries, shoving them onto the shelves harder than he needed to.

“Well, you’ll be glad to know that I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning,” Odin said icily.

“Good, then I can ask Bucky to be my roommate tonight,” Loki said, his voice suddenly silky and calm again. He held his rage carefully below the surface. “He’s coming over to watch the skating championships on TV with Livvy and I tonight.”

Livvy spoke up. “You’re welcome to watch it with us.”

“Thank you,” Odin said, his voice still sounding harsher than usual. He clearly wasn’t quite as good at hiding his feelings as Loki had become.

The groceries were packed after a while, and Loki asked Livvy to make some rice while he took out a frying pan, grabbing a package of chicken that he had bought from where he had set it on the counter. He poured a smidgen of olive oil into the pan, then placed the chicken into it, covering the pan as he reached for the chutney and ketchup from the cabinet. He mixed them with a couple other ingredients to form a sauce, and dumped it into the frying pan, coating the chicken. He glanced over at the cooking rice, and thanked Livvy for helping with a quick peck on the cheek. He was fully aware that Odin was watching him cook with some fascination, and wondered if he knew that Frigga had taught him.

There was a knock at the door just as Loki was placing some sliced zucchini into a glass container. He quickly placed it in the microwave, turned the microwave on, and hurried to open the door.

“Hello!” Bucky said, handing Loki a bottle of wine.

“Thank you for coming,” Loki said warmly, accepting the bottle and looking at the label with interest. “I’ve never tried this brand. Thank you.”

“Oh, it’s one of my favorites,” Bucky said, smiling.

The evening passed quite pleasantly, despite obvious, lingering tension between Loki and Odin. Odin stuck around for the championships, sitting on an extra chair he had pulled up next to the couch, where Loki and Livvy were huddled together and Bucky was squished next to them. They commented on the various performances, constantly asking Loki about his ability to perform the moves featured in it. Odin didn’t really comment, and Loki found himself wondering what his father thought about it—one couldn’t argue for skating not really being a sport when it was being shown on live TV.

During the commercial break, Loki brought out some fruit sorbet. As they ate, Loki turned to Bucky.

“So, Bucky, I’ve got an empty room here, and I know you’ve been looking for a place to stay.”

“Yeah, I’m living in my parents’ basement right now,” he said cautiously. “You mean you’d like me as a roommate?”

“I think it could work,” Loki replied. “I don’t really fancy paying the full rent for this place now that Thor’s gone.”

“We’d be a bit of a mess,” Bucky pointed out, chuckling.

“True enough, but our similarities in that department could enable us to help each other quite well. And we’ve always got our dogs.”

“That’s true, we’ve always got our dogs.”

Odin looked puzzled. “What are you talking about?”

“PTSD,” Bucky said casually, before Loki could stop him.

“Loki doesn’t have PTSD,” he said, quite firmly. “He’s not that weak.”

Loki wanted to yell at him, tell him that it wasn’t a sign of weakness, but rather a psychological illness, but Livvy beat him to it. “It’s not weakness,” she said decisively, in a calm voice. “Rather the opposite. One has to be strong to endure it. It’s not their fault.”

“However true that may be, Loki is just exaggerating it if he says he had PTSD. Always did do whatever he could to get attention, that one.”

Loki put a hand through his hair, wanting to yell at him, wanting to make a snarky comment, yet finding himself unable to. Yet another reason he was a disappointment to his father. He felt a lump form in his throat, preventing any talking. Before he really became fully aware of it, he had gotten up and walked to his room, ignoring Livvy, who was calling his name.

Leaving the door open, Loki walked over to the window, gazing out as he tried to calm himself. He wanted to scream, wanted to explain to his father that this was why he couldn’t trust him, this was why he kept pushing him away. Odin saw him as being nothing, as being a disappointment in every aspect, straight-up denying the truth of the matter or making excuses, calling Loki a drama queen. _I already feel like I’m unimportant,_ Loki thought, sighing. _Why do you think I’ve done all I have in my life? I can’t handle someone pushing me down all the time._

He vaguely heard Livvy defending Loki in the other room, and was grateful that she hadn’t tried to follow him, hadn’t left Bucky alone in the living room. Odin’s words were bound to have hurt him, too. He wasn’t just calling Loki weak; he was calling Bucky weak as well.

The thought stirred up some anger in Loki, and suddenly he turned around, walking out of his room and going back to the living room. Odin was still sitting in his chair, looking unconcerned as Livvy told him that it wasn’t fair to call people weak because of their circumstances. Bucky had a look of shock on his face, as if he couldn’t believe that Odin would say something so hurtful.

“Odin.” Loki stated the name, his voice icy. “I want you to leave.”

“What’s this?” Odin asked, pinning his irritated gaze on Loki. “That’s extremely disrespectful.”

“As if your words weren’t just as disrespectful,” he said steadily. “I want you to leave.”

“I’m leaving tomorrow; you know that.”

“I’m asking you to leave now.”

“Now now, Loki, where would I go? You can’t say such things. I don’t know why you’re being so snippy about what I’m saying.”

“Have you forgotten?” Loki stepped forward, his voice harsh and angry now. “Have you forgotten what I’ve done in the past? How I felt so worthless to you that I tried to take my own life? Now you’re back, telling me the same things that you did all those years ago. I can’t have that kind of negativity around me anymore, do you understand? So I want you to leave. Right now.”

Odin stared at him, leaning forward in his chair. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

There was a standoff, and finally Loki looked away, clenching his teeth. “Fine. But don’t expect me to make breakfast for you.”

Silence filled the room, and finally Loki sat back down. Livvy wrapped an arm around his shoulder and Odin walked to his room, muttering something about feeling unwelcome, which Loki responded to with a glare.

“That was very brave,” Livvy finally murmured once Odin was in Thor’s old room.

“I’m sorry,” Loki said to Bucky. “That wasn’t fair to you.”

“Or you,” Bucky said slowly, still looking somewhat surprised. “I’m beginning to see why you hate your father so much.”

“He’s not my father,” Loki said automatically. “But yes. That scene about summed it up.”

“Had you never told him you have PTSD?” Livvy asked.

Loki shrugged. “I knew how he’d react. I’ve half a mind to prove it to him tonight,” he muttered.

Bucky raised his eyebrows. “As if that’s possible.”

“I know.” Loki shook his head to clear it. “Anyway, Buck, how do you feel about being my roommate?”

“Starting when?”

“Whenever. I’ll only make you pay from next month; I’ve already covered this one, but you’re welcome to join me at any point.”

“How about Wednesday?” Bucky asked, and Loki half-smiled at his eagerness.

“Sounds good to me. Oh, and we’ll be at that party on Saturday.”

“Awesome!” Bucky said. “Wear something nice, and drive separately so that no one will wonder about you two.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

When Loki woke up the next morning, Odin was still sleeping, and by the time he had come home from work, he was gone. It was one problem down, and yet Loki almost felt a pang of guilt. He pushed the thought away, although it continued to haunt him even as Bucky moved in and they settled into a routine with each other.

Yet, as Loki dressed for the party on Saturday night, he resolved to push away all thoughts of guilt toward his father, and just have fun.

He had no idea what lay ahead.


	18. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Super short but really intense chapter. Please see the warnings in the notes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for attempted rape, and contemplation of suicide. A lot of suicidal thoughts. Self-harm. Drugged drinks. Yep.

Loki blinked his eyes open to the brightness of his living room. A headache played at his brain, and he felt strangely dizzy, his head slightly foggy. He blinked rapidly, and the fog began to clear. He realized that he was laying on the couch at his house. I was at that party… what happened? Why am I here?

He turned his head slowly, and saw Thor sitting on a chair near him. Thor turned his head and looked at Loki, their eyes meeting for a brief second. “Ah. You’re awake.” Thor’s voice was monotonous and tinged with disappointment. Disappointment that all he had hoped for had come crashing down.

“Thor… what happened? All I remember was the party…” Loki blinked again as the world swayed slightly, and noticed that Thor was simply staring at him, waiting for him to continue, seemingly unconcerned by Loki’s feeling of disorientation. “I remember someone handing me a drink, and then I went to go find Livvy… and it’s all fuzzy from there.”

“What did you take, Loki? Don’t lie to me.” Thor’s voice was stern.

Loki blinked. “Thor, I don’t—I haven’t taken drugs in ages.”

“Then please explain to me why you were obviously high last night.”

“Oh, stars.” Loki sat up, setting his head in his hand despairingly. “It must have been something in the drink.”

Thor sighed heavily, staring at him. “What do you remember?”

Loki wracked his brain but came up empty. “Just what I said. I took a shot of something or other, and went to find Livvy.”

“So I’m to believe that whatever you drank was laced with some sort of drug?” He leaned forward, a look of anger transforming his usually calm, friendly face. “You know that Livvy called me and asked me to come help her? Because you were high and acting ridiculous?”

Loki’s head snapped up, and his green eyes looked deep into Thor’s blue ones. “What did I do?” He asked slowly.

“You nearly raped her, Loki.” Loki’s face paled, his heart skipping a beat as he struggled to breathe. “Don’t you understand? You were dangerous. How could you be so careless—”

Loki’s pale face flushed crimson, and he leapt off of the couch, swaying slightly, which only added to his sudden anger. “This was not my fault. How dare you call me careless, of all things! Someone drugged me, Thor!”

Thor rose from his chair as well. “Oh, yeah, it’s always someone else’s fault, isn’t it?”

“It was! If you seriously think I would purposefully take drugs—!”

“So who drugged you, Loki? Who started this mess and got involved with these unsavory characters? You know full well that you’re the one that chose to get involved with them. It’s still your fault!”

“It’s not!” Loki snarled back. “Am I not allowed to make one bad decision? Are you perfect, hm? You’re the golden child, never had to worry—”

“Has it ever occurred to you that I have to spend my life cleaning up your messes? Dealing with your trauma and your flashbacks and your paranoia, I’ve taken care of you all this time! I’m sick of it, Loki! I’m sick of having to stay up all night, waiting for you to wake up from whatever drug-induced blackout you’re in, wondering whether or not you’re going to wake up in the morning and not daring to take you to the hospital, for fear that you’ll get locked away!” Thor’s voice broke, and he turned away quickly. “I’m going to my room.”

Loki watched him leave, for once stunned into silence, his green eyes glistening with tears. He collapsed back onto the couch. _Your messes. You almost raped her, Loki._ The words crowded in his head, and he clenched his fists tightly, grabbing a pillow and screaming into it harshly. He heard his phone ringing, and glanced at it to see that Livvy was calling him. _It is my fault. It’s all my fault. What if I had hurt her? She’s better off without me. Thor’s better off without me. They all are._ He declined the call. __

Reaching for the end table, Loki opened a drawer and pulled out his tactical knife, taking it out of its sheath and unfolding it. The blade was sharp and silver, and he ran his finger along it. It cut into his skin smoothly, and a drop of bright red blood fell from his finger and onto his jeans. _I could end your hardships, Thor. You wouldn’t have to take care of me anymore._ He glanced up at the window, watching as storm clouds rolled in. _I’m sorry, everyone. I tried my best, but it’s just not working. I can’t keep living like this._

Tears fell freely from Loki’s face, and he reached into his pocket as his nose started to run. He found a napkin there, and remembered getting it handed to him with his drink. He glanced at it briefly as he moved to blow his nose on it, and suddenly paused. A phone number had been written on it in black ink.

The person who had handed him the drink had given him a number to call. It wasn’t the waitress flirting with him, he decided quickly. Too coincidental. Someone had spiked that drink. Someone from the gang, someone from the inside had handed it to him. He stared at the number, and slowly reached for the phone, his hands shaking.

It would be dangerous, maybe even foolhardy. But this needed to end, before it ended him.


	19. The Trickster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short but intense chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for basically attempted suicide? And a fight with a gang leader and whatnot. Near-death experience, choking, whatever. Lots o' stuff.

“I know you’re there, Rico. Come out.”

The short, stocky man stepped out of the shadows of the alleyway, eyeing him with a smirk on his face. “No tricks, Silvertongue.”

Loki ignored the man, and the two circled each other warily. “How dare you drug me.”

“I thought it was rather amusing. Turn yourself into a weapon—I thought it would give me results, and boy, it did. You’re right where I wanted you.”

“I won’t be here for long, you snake. What has your purpose been all this time? Putting the fishing line in my locker, ruining my skates, sending guys to my house—what’s your object?”

“This, right here. We need you back, Silvertongue. And I intend to get you back through any means necessary.”

“Not going to happen.” Loki made the first move, lunging forward with both his daggers in his hands. Rico pulled out a very long knife, waving it at Loki to keep him further away. _He remembers my tactics,_ Loki realized. He felt his opponent’s sword-like weapon swipe uncomfortably close to his hair, and took advantage of it being in use to inch closer to Rico. “Fight me properly,” he snarled.

They continued to fight, and as Loki got closer, Rico slipped the long knife into a sheath on his hip and reached for a switchblade, which he quickly opened and came at Loki with. Loki dodged the blow and managed to cut Rico with one of his daggers. The man hissed, redoubling his efforts and landing a blow to Loki’s shoulder, which threw him closer to his opponent. I’m too close, Loki realized frantically, and tried to duck in order to slip free, but instead found Rico’s fingers wrapped around his throat. Loki struggled to gasp in air as Rico lifted him off the ground with his considerable strength.

“Everyone, look,” Rico called out, and the men from his gang began to pour out of the shadows. “This is what happens to those who leave.”

Even as the world began to go fuzzy around the edges, Loki realized that he had Rico and the gang right where he wanted him. Not a second later, this theory was confirmed, as a deep voice called out, “Everyone, put your hands up. We’ve got you surrounded; don’t try to escape.”

Shocked, Rico dropped Loki, only to grab him again and hold him tightly to his chest as a police gun focused on him. “I thought we said no tricks,” Rico hissed.

“That’s just not how I fight,” Loki gasped.

“If you shoot me, you shoot him, too,” Rico yelled at the policemen, edging toward the alleyway.

“Do it,” Loki wheezed as loudly as he could through his damaged windpipe.

“Oh, they won’t do that, my son,” Rico taunted, his voice smooth as velvet.

Loki’s eyes dropped to Rico’s hip, suddenly remembering the long knife he had there. Slowly, as unnoticeably as he could, Loki moved his hand toward it. He noticed blood flowing down his arm, and the same sticky wetness on his face, and vaguely wondered when exactly he had been wounded during that fight. With all the adrenaline, he hadn’t noticed.

Whatever. It didn’t matter now.

Fist closing around the hilt of the knife, Loki quickly pulled it out of its sheath, holding it in front of him. Rico let out a slightly surprised chuckle, unable to take it from Loki due to his hands being occupied in holding the slim opponent to him. “There’s nowhere you can reach to stab me with that,” Rico pointed out.

“No, but it’s plenty long enough for the two of us.” Loki positioned the knife carefully over his own body, in such a location that would correspond to Rico’s heart behind him.

“You can’t do that; you’ll be killing yourself, too.” Surprise was evident in Rico’s voice.

“Your heart is positioned lower than mine,” Loki muttered tensely, still unable to speak normally due to how his windpipe had been restricted. “I might live.”

“But there’s a good chance you wouldn’t. Just let me go, and we both live.”

“You’d live to taunt me another day. You’d live to tell me you won, and force me back into the gang. I’d rather go this route.”

“But it’s suicide.”

“Oh Rico, you should know more than anyone that I don’t put a high enough value on my own life.” This was better. Livvy would be fine without him, would meet someone better than him. Bucky might miss him, but he, too, would get over it, with Steve’s help. The streets would be safer without Rico walking them. Loki found himself smiling resignedly before applying pressure on the knife, plunging it deeper even as he screamed out in pain, and heard the same sound echoing behind him. Rico used the last of his strength to push Loki away, before he collapsed onto the ground, Loki falling into the same position, gasping for breath even as he tasted blood in his mouth. _I can’t breathe,_ was his last thought, as the world turned black. _Goodbye, Livvy. I love you._


	20. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Careful with this chapter if you're sensitive to descriptions of medical stuff, blood, etc. So am I, honestly, but it takes on a bit of a morbid fascination to me so I did A LOT of research on this ;)

Loki blinked his eyes open to the sound of a heart monitor beeping, and to a feeling of intense nausea that had him rushing into an upright position, only just managing to find the basin resting on the counter next to his hospital bed before vomiting violently into it, seeing a mixture of bile and blood. His throat felt like someone was shoving nails down it, and vomiting was quite possibly the most painful experience ever. There was a small gasp from the other side of the room, but Loki ignored it, waiting until the nausea subsided a little before grabbing his throat and collapsing back onto the bed.

A nurse appeared in his line of vision. “Don’t worry, that’s a normal reaction to surgery,” she said reassuringly, checking that he hadn’t loosened any IVs in his rush to throw up. “Be careful how you move; you’ve got a tube in your chest.”

“Surgery?” He croaked. Oh, pain. Every word he spoke felt like another nail down his throat, and his voice was coming out all wrong, sounding ten times worse than it even had after Rico had choked him.

_Right, Rico. I stabbed him and myself._

“Why don’t you have your friend there tell her what we’ve done? I’ll take this away for you,” the nurse said pleasantly, waving her hand to the other side of the room as she removed the basin from Loki’s bedside. Loki turned his head slowly on his pillows, to see Livvy sitting on a chair, watching him with some fear in her eyes. Of him or of the hospital, Loki wondered?

“You shouldn’t be here,” he forced out, grabbing his throat again as if that would help the pain.

“Of course I should be here, Loki.” Her voice sounded somewhat angry, which surprised Loki. He sighed.

“I… I almost hurt you. You should… leave. Thought I was dead. Would be better.” Why did he always have to turn out alive when he most wanted to die?

“What? No, that’s ridiculous, Loki. I’m upset that you risked your life without even telling me, but I’m not upset about that happened at that party.”

Loki closed his eyes and swallowed, wincing as he did so. “Not okay. I almost… raped you.”

Hearing Livvy sigh deeply, he opened his eyes, noticing that she had put her face in her hands. “I don’t know what Thor told you, but it really wasn’t that bad. You were obviously drugged, and you got a little pushy, and wouldn’t listen when I said no.” Loki opened his mouth to speak, and Livvy quickly held up a hand to stop him. “You seemed more confused than anything at my refusal. I think I may have been sending mixed signals, but I’m fairly sure you wouldn’t have gone through with it anyway. I called Thor just in case, because I didn’t want you to get into trouble. It was a little scary, but I handled it. It really wasn’t a big deal.” She looked him dead in the eyes. “What is a big deal is you contacting the police and going out on this crazy dangerous mission to hunt down Rico without even telling me. Without saying goodbye, Loki. You could have died. Where does that leave me?” Her voice broke, and tears ran down her face.

Loki felt his own throat constrict as tears slipped from his own eyes, and he silently cursed that fact—his throat already hurt enough, he didn’t need that emotional lump in it. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I felt like I should let you go, keep you safe from me, but I couldn’t, so I thought this was the next best thing I could do.” Speaking in proper sentences was extremely painful, but he forced himself to do it. This conversation needed to happen, now rather than later. He opened his mouth to continue but instead started coughing. Aagh, the pain! It felt like a knife was stabbing his lungs, his throat, his chest—his whole body was on fire, and he tasted blood in his mouth and was vaguely aware of it speckling the white sheet as he struggled to sit up slightly.

The doctor entered then, a tall brunette man with an oval face and wearing a white surgeon’s coat. He hurried over to Loki, placing more pillows behind him so that he was half sitting up, and wiped blood off of Loki’s lips as the coughing fit ended. “Hello, Mr. Laufeyson. I’m Doctor Stephen Strange, the one who performed your surgery today.” He smiled, and Loki tried to smile back, although it came out as more of a grimace. He opened his mouth to speak, but Dr. Strange quickly held up a hand. “Don’t talk too much; I imagine it’s painful and it’s really rather unnecessary.” He turned to Livvy. “You’re his wife, right?”

Livvy smiled weakly. “Technically girlfriend; I just said that to get in here.”

Loki let out a quick, painful “heh” at that, the ghost of a smile on his lips. Dr. Strange raised his eyebrows and smiled. “Mm, we see that a lot. Anyway, have you told him what we did yet?”

“Didn’t really get a chance to yet.”

Dr. Strange shot her a look. “Are you alright? You don’t look so good.”

“I’m fine, just… terrified of hospitals and blood.” She shot a glance at the blood on Loki’s bed.

“Sorry,” Loki choked out.

“Well, you can always leave,” the doctor said, unconcerned. “And you, Mr. Laufeyson, need to stop talking.”

Loki sighed, leaning his head against the pillows weakly. He gestured for Dr. Strange to continue.

“The surgery was rather touch-and-go,” the surgeon began explaining. “We first had to remove that sword or whatever you had through you, which was honestly rather fascinating. You missed stabbing your own heart by about this much”—he held up his fingers, pinching a piece of air probably only two inches wide—“and I’m still rather surprised that, from what the police say, you managed to shove that through your own body and into that of your attacker’s. Some strategy there.”

Loki shook his head. “Rico, is Rico—”

“Pronounced dead at the scene,” Livvy told him. “I’ve been discussing it with the police, and the chances of you being charged for it are very slim. You apparently didn’t have much choice.”

“Oh, stars.” Loki’s head was spinning. “I killed him. I killed a man.” He leaned forward, throwing up again into the new basin as Dr. Strange watched, unconcerned. Loki grabbed at his chest painfully as he lay back down. “Am I on pain meds?” He croaked painfully.

“Yes, you are—quite a lot, actually. There’s nothing more I can give you. You’ve clearly swallowed quite a lot of blood during the surgery,” he said, nodding at the basin. “Your nose was bleeding when you came in due to a blood vessel bursting when you were being strangled. A little bit of hemorrhaging there. You’d also stabbed yourself through the lung, so we had to conduct a pretty involved surgery, and there was a high chance of the lung collapsing at any time. We managed to save it, but if you’re wondering why you’re coughing up blood, that’s why. We’ve done a tube thoracostomy, so there’s a tube through your thoracic wall draining fluid from the pleural space in your lungs. The path the knife took broke a couple ribs, so that’s another source of your pain. When you arrived here, we had to hurry to get you onto a ventilator, and since your throat was already irritated, it probably got scraped slightly getting an oxygen tube down your throat, which is why talking is painful for you right now. You’ve also got a head wound, so you might have a concussion, and you’ve got various cuts on your arm. We’ve stitched all those up for you. We’ll need to monitor your breathing and make sure your lung doesn’t collapse, so you need to spend a couple days at least with us here. Right now, I think rest would be the best thing for you. A collapsed lung like this will probably take around two weeks to heal enough to go home.”

Loki nodded, before starting to cough again, his entire body tensing and folding in on itself in pain. He hated the taste of blood in his mouth. The doctor set a hand on Loki’s arm. “I’m going to ask that they sedate you, if you don’t mind. Coughing isn’t really the best thing right now, although it shouldn’t really harm anything. Don’t worry about the blood; you’ll get that for the next couple days.”

“Wait,” Loki gasped as his coughs subsided. “I want to talk to the police.”

“You’ve got tomorrow,” Dr. Strange responded.

“Livvy—did they catch them?”

“They caught ten of the gangsters; they weren’t all there.”

“Ten?” Loki’s face flushed angrily, and his voice came out loudly, causing him to wince in pain. “That’s not enough. Still three out there—I need to speak to the police.” He made as if to get up, and Strange pushed him firmly back down.

“Mr. Laufeyson, please calm down.” The heart monitor was beating faster, and Loki’s breathing rate had increased. “Getting stressed ups your blood pressure, which runs the risk of starting up bleeding again. You can talk to the police tomorrow, but I’m sedating you now.”

Loki made as if to run his hand through his hair, but found that one of his arms was bandaged heavily, and the other had medical equipment attached to it. He growled in frustration, ignoring the pain. “Livvy, don’t go home. Is Bucky here?”

“He is.”

“Don’t let him go back, either. I killed a gang leader. You’re all in danger. Tell the police I want protective custody.”

Both Dr. Strange’s and Livvy’s eyebrows shot up, and they looked at each other in pure surprise. “You… want me, Bucky, and you in protective custody?”

“Or in the witness protection program, anything. We’re not safe.” He started coughing again, and Livvy got up, walking to him and rubbing his back, trying her best to ignore the fresh spots of blood on the bed. Dr. Strange went to the sink and, grabbing a cup, filled it with water and handed it to Loki, who accepted it gratefully. Livvy helped him hold it in his shaking bandaged arm, and he drank deeply, although even that hurt his throat a lot. The coughing stopped though, and for that he was grateful. “I’m a bit dizzy,” he said, laying back and staring at the ceiling with glassy eyes. “Livvy, could you take a policeman and get Fen from my place? They should pay for you and Bucky and maybe even Thor to stay in a hotel. I don’t think any of us are safe.”

“I have to admit, this is terribly intriguing,” Dr. Strange cut in. “You’re safe in the hospital, at least. I’m going to go home now, but I want to see how this plays out, so I’ll see you again tomorrow. I’ll make them give me a call if your condition worsens.”

“Is that a possibility?” Livvy asked quickly.

“It always is,” the doctor answered. “He’s in a stable condition now, and likely will be fine, but there’s always the chance that something could go wrong. It’s the lungs we’re dealing with here, and he’s lost a lot of blood, so if there’s any further bleeding or anything, we’ll need to get him back into surgery to fix that. That’s why we’re still in this section of the hospital.”

Loki wasn’t fully listening anymore, his eyes drifting closed. He absentmindedly opened his eyes for a second and pointed at his wrist. Livvy caught on quickly. “It’s 8:00. You got hurt at around 3:00, spent a couple hours in surgery, and woke up about an hour ago.”

“Mm.” He let his eyes drift shut again.

“Do you need that sedative? It looks to me like you can sleep on your own,” Strange commented.

“Yes,” Loki said without hesitation, his hand flying back to his throat. “I need it.”

“He’s probably afraid he’ll wake up, or dream,” Livvy clarified. “He’s got PTSD, and I think the fact that he just killed someone… yeah.”

“Right,” Strange agreed. “I’ll get a nurse in here. You rest, Mr. Laufeyson, and try not to talk more than you have to. And refrain from taking deep breaths, if you will.”

Loki made a sound in his throat that probably would have been a derisive snort. _Yeah, I can already tell that that would be really painful, so you really think I’d try that?_

“Something tells me you’d be really snarky if you were fully present,” Strange said, amused. “Well, goodnight, you two.”

Loki lifted his hand in a vague wave, and Livvy said goodbye. “You know,” she said, grabbing Loki’s hand gently. “Thor, Bucky, Bruce, and I have been here almost as long as you have. We were really worried. Don’t scare us like that. Thor’s been blaming himself all this time.”

“‘E shouldn’t,” Loki murmured.

“I’ll tell him that. They really want to see you, can I let them come in?” Loki thought about that for a minute before shaking his head. A nurse entered the room, taking away the basin and changing his sheets quietly before attending to the IV. “You’re too tired for that?”

“Mm.”

“Alright, I’ll tell them you’re fine but would rather rest. I’m going to go get Fenrir like you said, and talk to the police about staying in a hotel near here. We’re at the hospital in the city, so about forty-five minutes from home, and I want to stay close. They brought you here via helicopter, did you know that? Bruce recommended we get Doctor Strange to do the surgery, since he’s a specialist in this sort of thing.” Livvy chuckled. “I’m braving a hospital for you, and you’re coughing up blood, which is basically my biggest phobia, so you’d better be grateful.” She shivered as she said it, and Loki weakly lifted her hand to his mouth and gave it a kiss.

“Love you, darling,” he said, so quietly she could barely hear it, and then his breathing evened out, although it still sounded rather labored and wheezy. He was asleep.

***

Loki blinked his eyes open to a dark room. He tensed as he took in the unfamiliar surroundings and became aware of a sharp pain in his chest with every breath he took. Slowly, his memory flooded back to him—he was in the hospital, being treated for the lung injury he had given himself in his fight with Rico.

Breathing felt a lot harder than it should be, a scary thought that only increased Loki’s heart rate and made breathing harder. Instinctively, he tried to calm himself with breathing exercises before realizing that those would be impossible. He clenched his fists and forced his mind to think back on what had happened prior to his fight with Rico.

After finding the phone number, the first thing that Loki had done was call the police and outline his plan—he would arrange to meet with Rico, and instigate a fight with him, on the condition that if he won, Rico would leave him alone, and if he lost, he would rejoin the gang. He had obviously had no intention of losing, and told the police this—but the fight would no doubt lead Rico to reveal the rest of the gang, which would put them all in line to be arrested. The police hadn’t been hugely happy with the arrangement—it required Loki putting his life on the line, after all—but agreed on the condition that they would step in if Loki appeared to be in any real danger.

Really, it had worked out quite well. Loki just hadn’t expected to wind up killing the gang leader, and he also hadn’t bargained on the police missing the last three gangsters. It wasn’t an ideal situation—they would undoubtedly go after Loki now that he had killed the most important man. One did not simply kill gang leaders and expect to face no retribution, unless one was planning to take over the gang itself. Funny, that. If he hadn’t gotten the police involved, and had still killed Rico, he could be running that gang, and they would all respect him. But because he had fought dirty by calling in the police, they would hate him. Oh, they would be scared of him, but they would hate him. Their fear of him was probably Loki’s greatest source of fear—they would be hesitant to immediately go after him, and would instead be sure to target Loki’s friends and family. They would want to punish him, weaken him before they would go in for the final blow.

Loki almost jumped out of bed when he heard the door open, taking in a sudden breath that caused him to lapse into another incredibly painful coughing fit. “I’m sorry,” a nurse said apologetically as she entered. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Fighting a scowl off his face, Loki asked what time it was. “3:00am,” the nurse said pleasantly. “I just came to check on you. Your heart monitor was signaling something, are you alright?”

“Just a little stressed.” Loki noticed that his voice didn’t sound quite as bad, and talking was marginally less painful than before. “I don’t feel like I can breathe very easily.”

“We’ll put you into a ventilator again if it gets any worse, alright? Just let us know.” Loki nodded, as she continued. “Could you please give me your name and date of birth?”

“Loki Laufeyson, April first, 1995. Why?”

“Common practice—we have to make sure of who we’re talking to each time we come into the room, and it’s also to check that you’re still cognizant and aren’t suffering from something like hypoxia, which is low-oxygen levels, and could cause confusion. Do you know where you are?” She continued.

“Mmhmm. At the hospital.”

“What month is it?”

“December.”

“Alright, could you squeeze my hand for me?” She asked, walking over and taking his hand dispassionately. He did so. “Good. So other than the breathing issues, how are you feeling?”

“Awful, quite honestly, but I think that’s to be expected,” he replied dryly.

“How so? Are you feeling nauseous at all?”

“Not really. Just very weak and still in a lot of pain. I’ve got a bit of a headache. Breathing hurts, and coughing is awful.” As if on cue, he let out a quick, stifled cough.

“I’ll see if the doctor has prescribed a cough suppressant for you,” she said helpfully. “Right now, I think the best thing for you is to just try and get some more sleep.”

Loki shifted in his bed. “Can you sit me up slightly more? It feels easier to breathe that way.”

She smiled and nodded, pressing a pedal that lifted the end of the bed up. It wasn’t as comfortable a position to sleep in, but it did feel better on his airways. He closed his eyes as she continued to work, changing out his catheter bag and checking on his IVs and his chest tube. He always hated the feeling of being taken care of in a hospital, the gentle yet impersonal way the nurses would take care of him, always a different one every time. He sighed slightly, with the result of more pain in his chest. It was an awful feeling, being unable to breathe normally.

He let his mind drift to Livvy, wondering where she was and hoping that she was sleeping peacefully, not worrying about him too much. He suddenly longed to text her or call her and hear her voice, but of course it was too late—or too early?—for that. Honestly, he was still surprised at how quickly she had forgiven him for what had happened at the party. He certainly wasn’t forgiving himself as easily. He hoped that Thor wasn’t too upset at him, either. _I don’t think he’ll be impressed that I half killed myself because of that. I really do need a better way to deal with these things,_ he thought wryly, his mouth twitching upwards at the corners in an ironic smile.

The nurse finished up in the room, instructing Loki to press a help button next to his bed if he felt like he needed a nurse at any time. She set a cup of water with a straw next to his bed before she left. Loki took the water, drinking a little before settling back down again and closing his eyes. He still felt exhausted, but sleep didn’t come very quickly.


	21. No Other Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More mentions of blood and medical stuff. Excuse me if I got a few medical details a bit wrong :)

The first thing that Loki noticed when he opened his eyes again was that Thor was in the room. Loki couldn’t help but let out a groan—he still felt exhausted, and wasn’t sure he was ready for a conversation with his brother.

A different nurse was straightening the items in the room and noticed Loki open his eyes. “Good morning,” she said pleasantly. “Could I ask you your name and date of birth?”

Loki noticed Thor open his mouth as if about to answer, and quickly replied before he could. “Loki Laufeyson, April first, 1995.”

“What month is it?”

Loki resisted the urge to sigh in annoyance. “December. I’ve already answered all these questions last night.”

She smiled pleasantly. “I’m sorry, we have to ask them. Do you have any questions for me?”

Loki opened his mouth to respond and started coughing again, lifting up a finger in a hold on gesture. He grimaced at the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. “How about, when will I stop coughing up blood?”

“Sometime within the week,” the nurse answered. “Don’t worry about it too much. It’s perfectly normal.”

Thor looked slightly horrified, which gave Loki a guilty twinge of satisfaction. “Are you still feeling short of breath? The night nurse indicated you were.”

“Yeah, a bit.” He was still panting slightly from his coughing fit, and found himself lapsing into another. A spot of blood landed on the fresh white sheets, and he grimaced. “Can I have cough suppressants?”

“I’m afraid the doctor is advising against giving you more drugs right now. Your speech sounds better today, though.”

“Were you here yesterday? Sorry, I can’t recall.”

“That’s understandable. Yes, I was. Does it still hurt to talk?”

“Only a bit.”

“That’s good to hear; it means you’re healing.” _Yes, I know, I’m not actually an idiot or a child,_ Loki thought irritably. “Your brother is here to talk to you, so I’ll go get you some breakfast. Here’s a menu—let me know what you would like.”

“I’m really not that hungry,” Loki admitted.

“Eating will help you recover,” the nurse said gently. “Why don’t you just get something that’s easy to swallow, such as cream of wheat? You don’t have to eat all of it, and it comes with a delicious berry compote.”

“Alright, whatever,” Loki said unenthusiastically. She put the menu away and left the room, all smiles.

Silence fell over the room, as Loki fiddled with his hospital gown, looking everywhere but at the blonde man sitting in the corner. Finally, Thor sighed, moving his chair closer to Loki’s bed. “How are you feeling, brother?”

“Wonderful,” Loki said sarcastically.

Thor sighed again. “You really need to stop putting yourself into these positions, Loki. This is the second time I’ve seen you nearly die in a hospital.”

“I didn’t do this on purpose,” Loki muttered, looking at Thor’s blue eyes through his lashes. “Do you think I enjoy being in a hospital? What I would do to be able to just get up and go to the bathroom by myself.” He cracked a small smile.

“I know that, Loki.” There was more silence, and Thor sighed again.

“Stop that,” Loki snapped.

“Stop what?”

“Sighing. It’s something I really feel like doing, and I can’t, so it’s not fair if you do it.” He felt slightly out of breath after the couple of sentences, and cursed his lung.

Thor grinned. “That sounds more like the Loki I know.”

Loki shifted slightly on his bed, grimacing at the pain such a movement caused. “Ugh.”

“Are you in a lot of pain?”

“You could say that,” Loki said bitterly. “At least talking doesn’t hurt so much today.”

“Livvy seemed to indicate that you were in pretty bad condition last night.”

“I was a bit out of it,” Loki admitted with a small smile. “I was in a lot of pain and couldn’t quite figure out what was going on.”

“She said you were concerned about her safety?”

“About everyone’s safety, yes. I still am, and I still want to talk to the police as soon as possible. I’m sorry if I freaked her out last night though.” He hesitated. “Everything is fine between us now, somehow. I thought she’d be angry, but she isn’t really. Angry that I didn’t tell her before I did this, of course.” He looked down at his sheet, scratching at it absentmindedly with his finger. “You probably are, too, aren’t you? Are you still mad at me?” He sounded childish and pathetic to his own ears, but he really needed to hear it.

“I’m upset that you scared me again, yes. I’m upset that you don’t seem to think about others before charging off and making life-altering decisions. I think you made the wrong choice with that; there had to have been a better way to catch Rico, at least. Or at least something that didn’t involve you having a one in three chance of dying.”

The door opened as Thor finished his speech, and Loki looked over to see Livvy’s familiar red hair. He sighed shallowly, even the small breath causing him to wince. “Both of you, listen here. Don’t tell me I made the wrong decision. What do you think my alternatives were?”

“You could have done nothing at all,” Livvy pointed out, looking around for a chair and seeing none.

“You can sit on the end of my bed if you’d like,” Loki suggested. “Just be careful; don’t jostle it too much.” She followed his suggestion and sat down gently next to his legs, being careful not to bump him or shake the bed. Loki looked at Thor. “What do you think I should have done?”

“Well, first of all, you should have told us what you were doing. Barring that, you should have gone with Rico before you go so far as to stab yourself. You could have always left later. That just seemed… overly drastic.”

“Alright,” Loki said tiredly. “Let’s start at the beginning. Thor and I got into an argument about me being reckless and hurting everyone around me.” Thor winced at the words. “It’s probably true, which is what really struck a chord in me. I felt awful; as if as long as Rico remained at large, I would only cause pain to those I love.” He swallowed hard, grimacing at the ache in his throat. “So at that point, I found Rico’s contact number, and in my mind I had two options. End it one way or end it another way, because in my mind, I couldn’t go on hurting everyone.”

Livvy grabbed Loki’s hand, playing with his fingers. “You don’t mean you contemplated killing yourself again?”

“I’m not sure I would have gone through with it,” he admitted. “I don’t quite hate my life enough, but it does seem dark when someone is after you and keeps purposely throwing you down dark paths in your head. Otherwise I could have left. Just… moved elsewhere, disappeared.”

“That’s just cruel,” Livvy scolded him.

“That’s what I thought. So, I only had one choice, and that was to go after Rico.” All the talking was hurting his throat again. “And if I had talked to either of you, you would have tried to stop me. Not to mention that I didn’t think either of you were talking to me at that point.” He raised an eyebrow as if daring them to challenge that.

“I called you,” Livvy pointed out.

“You did, but I still felt awful about it, and wasn’t ready to discuss what had happened.” His voice was getting huskier, and he hoped neither of them would notice. He needed to say this, whether or not his throat wanted him to. “So I took the one option I thought I had. Capturing only Rico would do nothing, so I had to fight him. I didn’t really intend to lose, but then I should have expected it—he taught me to fight, after all. He used all my tactics against me. When—” the word caught in his throat, and he started coughing again, quite violently. Thor got up and patted his back, at which Loki made an agonized sound and pushed him away quite roughly. Spots of blood flew from his mouth onto the sheets, and Livvy looked away, feeling slightly nauseated. A sheepish looking Thor grabbed Loki’s water and handed it to him, and Loki accepted it gratefully, taking a sip that thankfully eased the coughing. Afterwards, he collapsed backwards onto the pillows, painfully gasping for breath. “Sorry,” He panted.

“Are you alright?” Thor asked, looking slightly terrified. “Your breathing doesn’t sound good. Should I get a nurse?”

Loki shook his head. “Need—to finish this.”

“I’m not sure you should,” Livvy protested. “You’re still not okay.”

“She’ll be here with breakfast in a minute,” Thor pointed out. “We’ll give you until then.”

Loki shot him a surprised but grateful look, finally managing to catch his breath a bit. He continued, frequent gaps appearing in his sentences where he would stop to fetch his breath before continuing. “When I lost, it was either… I go with him, or… he kills me. I would choose the latter, honestly. So either way… getting him out wasn’t a bad choice… even if it hurt me. Was contemplating it anyway.”

Livvy and Thor sat in silence, glancing at each other nervously as they realized that neither of them had realized how much their actions had affected the man.

“I feel like I caused this,” Thor said finally, his voice heavy. “I argued with you and made you feel lower.”

“Not really,” Loki said quietly, shaking his head just as the nurse walked in, carrying a tray of food. She set it on the table next to Loki’s bed. “Thank you,” he murmured.

“Anytime. Now, do try to eat some of it.” Loki nodded.

Thor spoke up. “He just had a really bad coughing fit; isn’t there something you can do about that?”

“I’m afraid not,” she said with an apologetic smile. “Just try not to do anything that would irritate your throat,” she told Loki. He nodded. “The tea should help.” She motioned to the tray, which contained a bowl of cream of wheat, a yogurt, a mini muffin, a banana, and a cup of tea. “Your breathing does seem more labored than it should be; I’ll ask Dr. Strange to get another X-ray when he arrives. Call me if it gets any worse.”

“Okay.” Loki reached for the tea, taking a sip and enjoying its soothing warmth down his throat.

“No fair, you get food,” Livvy said with a laugh. “I’m starving.”

“There’s no way I’m eating all of this, darling. Take the banana or something, please.”

“Well, you’re going to eat as much of it as you can,” Thor said stubbornly. “Have you eaten at all yesterday?”

Loki thought about that. “Actually, no, I suppose I haven’t eaten since before that party. I suppose I am rather hungry,” he said begrudgingly. “Still, my throat does not feel okay enough to eat a banana or a muffin, so please, take them. It’s awkward eating alone, anyway.” With that, he reached for the tray, setting it on his lap and carefully began eating his breakfast as Livvy began to eat the banana he had offered. She wasn’t about to let it go to waste.

Thor explained to Loki where they were staying. “Bucky and I went with Livvy to your apartment last night,” Thor said. “The policemen had left, so we couldn’t ask them, but we felt that it should be safe enough with the two of us. Besides, they know you’re in the hospital, and it’s you they’re after, so we figured it shouldn’t be a problem.” Loki raised an eyebrow but said nothing. “Bucky and Livvy are staying in a pet-friendly hotel next door to the hospital. Both the dogs are with Bucky. Fenrir seems confused as to where you are, poor thing.”

“Give him a pat for me,” Loki said with a small smile, swallowing another spoonful of cream of wheat. The berry compote was quite nice with it, and he found that it was indeed easy to swallow.

“I’ve got my cats with me,” Livvy said with a smile. “That’s been pretty fun.”

“Have you talked to the police at all?” Loki asked, setting aside his food. He had eaten about half of it.

“Aren’t you going to finish that?” Livvy asked, frowning.

“I ate quite a lot of it, give me a break. I’m still feeling slightly queasy, so don’t push me.”

Livvy nodded. “Okay, sorry. To answer your question, yes, Thor and I phoned them last night. We shared your concerns with them, and they said that they would watch our houses for any gang activity.”

“Okay.” Loki fidgeted in his bed. “Ugh, I want to get up so badly.”

“Why won’t they let you?” Thor asked.

“I’ve supposedly got a possible concussion, and I’ve got some sort of tube in my chest that’s stopping air from escaping my lungs and getting into my chest.”

“Can I see it?” Thor asked, looking intrigued.

“The doctor will probably check it when he comes in; you can see it then. I’m not sure how to get out of this hospital gown to show you,” Loki said, chuckling slightly. “Ooh, ow. Remind me not to laugh. And Thor—don’t you dare try to pat my back again when I’m coughing. I had a dagger through there, too, you know.”

“Where did he even get something that long?” Livvy asked with a sense of morbid curiosity.

“He collects—collected— things,” Loki said vaguely, feeling tired. “Who knows.” The room lapsed into silence, as Livvy stared into space while Thor started reading a book he had brought with him. Loki closed his eyes and dozed off for a while.

When he woke up, Livvy was gone, while Thor was sleeping in the chair in the corner. The pain in Loki’s chest had increased, and, feeling a slight sticky dampness, he looked down to find that he was bleeding through his hospital gown.

“Thor….” he murmured, urgently. The man kept sleeping. “Thor!”

“Mm? Sorry, what?” Thor blinked as he woke up, stretching tiredly.

“I’m bleeding. Could you get someone?”

Instantly, all appearance of fatigue left Thor’s face, and he jumped up quickly, hurrying to the door. Loki vaguely heard him yelling for a doctor, as he began to realize that breathing was becoming even more difficult. He began to slip into a bit of a panic, closing out the rest of the world as he struggled to gasp for air.

The door to the room opened, and Doctor Stephen Strange walked in swiftly. “Hello Loki, I see you’re having some problems breathing, are you? I want you to stay calm and focus on your breathing. Steady… you know how to do it.” He deftly untied Loki’s hospital gown. “Looks like you’ve somehow partially pulled out your chest tube. What have you been doing? Hey, stay with me, buddy. I’m just going to insert this syringe in your chest and pull out the air, alright? What’s happening is that without the tube, the air from your lungs is escaping into the pleural space, which is compressing your lungs. This doesn’t normally happen—but it looks like your lung is determined to collapse on us.” His voice remained cheerful, and he had already plunged the needle in sometime during the conversation. Breathing instantly became slightly easier once he suctioned the air out. “Alright, I’m going to give you a quick local anesthetic, and we’re going to get this baby back in there, okay? That’s right, breathe steadily. Good job.”

Loki dimly felt the pain of an injection before his left lung began to go numb. Dr. Strange fiddled around with the tube, occasionally asking a couple assistants for alcohol and other surgical equipment. It didn’t take long before the tube was back in place, and Strange asked one of the nurses to clean up the blood. “There we are. That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“Just terrifying not being able to breathe,” Loki panted.

“I’d like to get some more x-rays—that lung is really determined to collapse and I’d like to figure out why. You ruptured it in two places, of course, which wasn’t obviously very good for you. I’m going to put you on a ventilator if it keeps acting up or isn’t healing well.”

“Everyone seems to be threatening that,” Loki said dryly.

“Well, I’m trying not to go that route, since your body might become dependent on it, and also, you just won’t like it at all. You would obviously have a tube down your throat, so that means no talking, no eating… not fun.”

Loki shivered. “I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll believe you, for now. But I still want x-rays. Alright, get him cleaned up,” he said to the nurses, waving a hand. “Call me if something else happens. I’m scheduled for a surgery in five minutes, so I’ve gotta run. I’ll be back in about an hour. You take it easy, and don’t panic.”

Loki nodded, coughing slightly. The surgeon handed him a tissue, which he accepted, covering his mouth with it and seeing fresh blood appear on it. “Congratulations, you just got more blood in your lungs,” Strange said cheerfully. “Have fun with that.” He left the room, and Loki let out a very shallow sigh, leaning back against the bed as he let the nurse wash the blood off his side with a damp cloth.

Glancing around the room, Loki suddenly noticed that Thor was still lurking in the corner. “Tardy-hated wagtails, did you just watch that entire thing?”

“Yes,” Thor said, looking rather terrified. “You’re braver than I would be in your position.”

“No, I’m just living it.” Loki blinked at the roof, suddenly feeling self-conscious about himself being half-naked except for a white sheet and being cleaned up by a nurse. She moved to change his catheter bag, and he looked at Thor awkwardly. “Wait. Um, Thor—can you leave? Not that I don’t appreciate—just—”

“Oh, of course, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Thor hurried to reassure him. He left the room, and Loki relaxed somewhat, letting the nurse do her thing and also refresh the bandages around his arm and head. Loki glanced at the arm wound and its neat row of black stitches, shivering slightly at the sight.

“Are you alright?” The nurse asked, noticing the shiver.

“Just, um, a little cold,” Loki replied quickly. It wasn’t a lie—he was feeling a little chilly, laying half out of the covers without even his hospital gown. The nurse helped him into a new one, tying it in a neat bow behind his neck.

“Can I get you a blanket?” She asked.

“That would be nice,” Loki replied, nodding.

“It’s 11:30; you may want to look into getting some lunch before the doctor comes back,” she advised him, pointing out the menu on the bedside table as she left the room.

Loki picked up the menu idly, glancing up as the door opened and Bucky entered. “The food they serve here isn’t half bad,” Loki commented before looking up at his friend. “Hi, Buck. What are you doing here? It’s Monday; you should be at work.”

“It’s my lunch break, and I really wanted to see you. That’s what friends are for, Loki.” He pulled the chair up to Loki’s bed. “I heard you just had a bit of a scare.”

“Yeah, you could say that,” Loki replied tiredly. “It’s no big deal.”

“Clearly it is, but I won’t press you. How long will you have to stay here?”

“The doctor said one to two weeks, last I heard. He’ll probably know more after my x-rays.” He started coughing again, covering his mouth with a new tissue from a box that had been placed at his bedside. The coughing fit ended, and Loki tossed the used tissue on the table.

Bucky’s eyebrows shot up as he noticed the blood on it. “That doesn’t look good.”

“Apparently it’s normal,” Loki said, his voice sounding slightly croaky for the first few words. “Anyway, I was just trying to find lunch; anything you’d like to eat on here? They always serve much more than I can eat in my condition right now.”

“Why, do you feel sick?” Bucky asked, looking concerned.

“Not really, just tired and in pain. Pain tends to dampen my appetite, as it does most people, I imagine. Anyway, this is a good menu. My coach would even approve of it. I think I’ll just have some chicken noodle soup though, with some toast. Have you had lunch yet?”

“Nope, I haven’t.” He scooted closer to look at the menu. “Can I order something off here?”

“Yeah, it costs around $8, I think.”

“Cool. You’re right, this is a nice menu. I can make my own pizza!”

Loki snorted, which made him involuntarily wince. “Well, if I’m here for two weeks, I’ll be trying most of everything.”

“Hey, just be glad it’s an extensive menu, then.” Bucky grinned. “I’m going to go get our food—I’ll be right back.”

He arrived back in the room not ten minutes later, precariously carrying two trays in his hands. He set one next to Loki before sitting in his chair and placing his own tray in his lap. “So, what have you been doing to keep yourself entertained in here?”

“I haven’t really needed to do anything,” Loki admitted. “I’ve been sleeping most of the time—I lost a lot of blood and my body is trying to heal itself, so I’ve been exhausted. This is the most awake I’ve been, and I’m still looking forward to going back to sleep.”

“I’m surprised you can sleep in a hospital, with all the beeping and the pain and discomfort and all.”

“Me too,” Loki said, smiling. He took a mouthful of his soup and swallowed the soothing liquid. Bucky followed suit, taking a bite of his pizza and commenting on how good it tasted.

“I’m sorry you didn’t get to see me last night,” Loki said. “I heard you were here, but I told Livvy I didn’t want to see anyone.”

“I understand. She was rather shaken up by the whole thing, so I figured it wasn’t a lot of fun in there anyway.”

“Was she?”

“Yeah, she started crying about how awful it was seeing you so weak like that, and knowing how close you had gotten to dying. Poor thing was terrified.”

Loki stared down at his soup, stirring it with his spoon. “Is she at work now?”

“Yes, she was called to measure a building of some sort. Thor went to go coach his rugby team. No one’s really here anymore, I’m afraid.”

“Good,” Loki said unexpectedly. “I don’t want anyone fussing over me.”

“Sorry, is it bad that I’m here?”

“Not at all. It’s nice to have someone here; I just don’t want to disrupt anyone’s—” he was cut off by a coughing fit, and Bucky jumped up with lightning reflexes, grabbing his soup bowl before it spilled on him. After about a minute, the coughing subsided, and Loki collapsed back on the bed, breathing fast and wheezing slightly. “That hurts so much,” he gasped.

“Man, that looks awful. I can’t say I envy you, buddy. How did this happen again? You were helping the police catch a criminal and he stabbed you?”

Loki smiled weakly. “Is that what they’re saying? Yeah, keep telling that story if anyone asks.”

Bucky wrinkled his nose in confusion. “Wait, isn’t that what really happened?”

“I was helping the police catch my former gang leader, and he ended up using me as a shield so the police wouldn’t catch him, so I grabbed his long dagger and stabbed through the both of us.”

“What??”

“Yeah. Killed him, almost killed me. Couldn’t let myself be caught by him again.” Loki shifted in his bed, feeling slightly nauseous—all the blood he was swallowing when he coughed as well as the pain was getting to him. He picked up the toast that had come with his soup and started to pick at it. “I’m not feeling so good, Bucky, can you talk about something else?”

Bucky nodded. “Sure, sure. Did I tell you I’m getting a promotion? The manager of the car shop is having me moved to a more senior repair position.”

“Fantastic!” Loki said, not quite getting the inflection right, as his throat was hurting again. He gave a thumbs up to cement his word.

“Sorry, you probably don’t feel like talking, so you?” Loki shrugged, then shook his head. “Right. Oh, I can tell you about the car that Steve and I are fixing up in the shop…”

Bucky talked for a while, successfully taking Loki’s mind off of where he was and how awful he felt. Eventually the door opened, and the surgeon walked in.

“Hello sir, I’m Doctor Stephen Strange,” he said to Bucky. “Are you a friend?”

“Yeah, Loki and I are roommates right now. Thanks for taking care of him, man. When do you think he’ll be able to go home?”

Strange shrugged. “The x rays will give me a more concrete answer to that, but right now, I’m leaning toward two weeks.” Loki groaned, and Bucky’s eyebrows shot up.

“Wow, that’s long,” Bucky noted. “Let me know if you ever want to borrow my old gameboy or something.”

Loki grinned. “Mm, will do.”

“Right, to the patient. Would you confirm your name and date of birth?”

“You too? Loki Laufeyson, April first, 1995.”

“Thank you. And what’s my name, do you remember?”

“Doctor Stephen Strange. Rather memorable.”

The man laughed. “Alright, you’re looking a little pale—how are you feeling?”

“Worse than I did an hour ago,” Loki admitted. “Slightly nauseous.”

“Probably your body realizing that you just lost more blood. I see you haven’t eaten much?”

“Not that hungry.”

“Does talking hurt again?”

“Not too badly; I’m just not feeling great so I don’t really feel like talking right now.”

Strange nodded, walking forward and removing Loki’s hospital gown to look at the bandage wrapped around his torso. “I wanted to be the one to attend to this, if you’re wondering why no one’s changed it yet. Scissors, anyone?”

A nurse handed him a pair, and Strange started cutting the gauze, gently removing the thick bandages. Bucky stood by Loki’s head, watching with some fascination.

The wound itself was about three inches tall, and very narrow, as Loki had expected from the weapon. As soon as the bandage came off, Strange asked for a piece of gauze, and applied pressure to the wound. “I think we’ve got a bit of infection going on here, which would explain the slight complications we’ve been having.” He turned Loki sideways slightly, removing the bandage on Loki’s back and asking a nurse to tape a piece of gauze firmly in place over the cut there, too.

“Woah, so you made an incision there?” Bucky asked, sounding fascinated.

Loki blinked. “Where?”

Doctor Strange ended up clarifying. “The surgical incision was made between two ribs, from the front of your chest wall to your back. The open lung surgery wasn’t really ideal, but since you had been injured in two places, I didn’t want to risk trying a video-assisted thoracoscopic surgery, so I decided to go straight for the thoracotomy.” He lifted Loki’s arm above his head, running his fingers along the stitches in the incision.

“What did that involve?” Loki asked.

“We deflated this lung and put you on a ventilator, then cut your lung, separating your ribs to get in there, and cleaned out as much of the blood as we could. We also inflated part of your lung that had collapsed already. It went quite smoothly, and appears to be healing up okay. Everyone out of the room; I’ll get our X-ray technician to perform a quick X-ray in this position and see what she finds.”

The X-ray was done quickly, and soon everyone returned to the room. The nurse started redressing the wounds and the incision site, as Dr. Strange sat at the computer in the corner of the room and looked through the results.

“Alright,” he said finally, turning to Loki. “There’s still quite a bit of fluid in that lung, which I expected due to your coughing. We either missed it during surgery or it’s managed to come in another way. I don’t think it’s a problem at this point, but if it is, we may have to reopen the incision and remove it. Other than that, I think we’re doing okay—I’m going to put you on some pretty strong antibiotics to stave off any infection, though, so you’ll need to eat as much as you can at all meals to avoid feeling nauseous from the medication. You’re on antibiotics now, but I’m upping the dose. Also, side note on the head wound—I don’t know who labeled that as a possible concussion, because it’s clearly a knife cut, so I wouldn’t worry about that. Also, to ease recovery after this, I suggest you move your legs around as much as you can to keep the blood flowing and the muscles working. I assume you’re athletic?”

Bucky laughed. “Yeah, Loki, you’ve got some killer abs.”

Loki let out a quick, quiet “Eheh” before explaining. “Yeah, I’m a figure skater. How long before I’ll be able to get back to that?”

“Probably a month or so,” Strange said apologetically. “You’d need to gradually build up to it, working until you don’t get out of breath doing regular tasks.”

Loki didn’t look happy, but nodded anyway. “Did I leave my phone at the house, Bucky?”

“You did, yes—I was actually planning on giving it back to you today.” He stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out the phone. “You’ve got several texts from several people asking how you are.”

Loki looked at the texts as Strange and the nurse left the room. “Does my coach know that I’m here?” Loki asked suddenly.

“Not unless Thor has told him,” Bucky said slowly. “I haven’t.”

“He’s probably still expecting me to be there at 3:00, then.” Loki leaned back on his bed, which had been moved back into a semi-sitting position.

“It’s 1:00 now—you’d better call him,” Bucky said. “I need to be getting back to work. I was supposed to be back at 12:30, but Steve is covering for me.”

“By all means, don’t let me keep you,” Loki said quickly. “Have fun with that car.”

“And you try to heal up quickly—I really hate seeing my friends hurt like this.”

“Thank you.” They said their final goodbyes, and Loki clicked on the contacts on his phone, pressing the button to call Heimdall.

“Hello, Laufeyson,” he answered quickly. “What’s up? Are you on your way to Livvy’s parents’ house, or has that been cancelled? I’m open if you’d like a lesson today.”

“Um, about that.”

“That doesn’t sound good. Your voice sounds a little raspy; are you sick?”

“Sort of.”

Heimdall’s voice began to sound concerned. “What’s going on, Laufeyson?”

“I—I’m in the hospital.”

Heimdall cursed, and Loki heard him pull out a chair and sit down heavily. “What happened?”

“I helped them take down Rico and the gang, and I sort of ended up having a very long dagger through my left lung, to put it simply.”

“That really does not sound good. What hospital are you at?”

Loki told him. “You don’t have to come, or anything. There’s not a whole lot to see.”

“I’d like to talk to your doctor. When did this happen?”

“Yesterday,” Loki said with a grimace.

“Why didn’t you let me know earlier?”

“I… kind of figured Thor would. I’ve been a little out of it until now.” Loki’s stomach churned, and he longed to sleep, to escape the pain and sickness. “I’m really tired, Coach. Can I… can you call me later or something?”

“I’ll come visit you at 3:30,” Heimdall said firmly. “I’ve got those hours blocked out for you anyway, even though I thought you’d be away this week.”  
“Okay,” Loki said quietly. He said goodbye and put the phone down, suddenly feeling slightly emotional. He couldn’t quite pinpoint why, but as he lay back, silent tears slipped down his face. He closed his eyes, willing sleep to come and shut out the misery.


End file.
